Little Pink Pills

Part Ten, by Michelle Wilder

Suspended under a twilight canopy
We'll search the clouds for a star to guide us
If by some chance you find yourself loving me
We'll find a cloud to hide us
We'll keep the moon beside us

Love is waiting there in my beautiful balloon

(Up, Up and Away by Jimmy Webb)

(Revised and reposted)

-----

"She's a very pretty girl." He talked quietly so they wouldn't hear, and held my IV thing. (It was to help re-hydrate me and give me minerals and stuff, apparently.)

"Yeah, she is." I grinned at him. "She thinks she isn't, but she is."

"All the really beautiful ones don't believe it."

I couldn't even talk after he said that.

It was so perfect I had to concentrate and remember so I could tell it to her later.

----

He helped clean me up again and after he washed his hands I did too and then my face, while he kind of held me up by the hips, and then I tried to make my hair look less like I'd slept on it and never washed it or combed it, like I hadn't.

Like I was a crazy person. And Mom and Dad... nobody ever said anything....

"Paul?" I held onto the sink and sat on the little chair thing beside the toilet and looked up at him.

"Yes?" He smiled a lot less, like he knew I wasn't talking about Carson any more. Then he stopped completely. I had to close my eyes.

"If... if I ever wanted to die, one time... or... just a couple of times... ever...."

I looked at my hand and the tube and needle... in it... at the bruise showing under the bandage and the green and yellow bruises and scabs from the other ones. So they could inject sedatives.

A purple mark on my wrist from the velcro straps. My skinny wrists. Skinny hands. Paper hospital bracelet.

"Am I crazy?"

He kneeled down and pushed the little plastic valve thing on the line and just put the IV bag on the floor and pulled me into a big hug with my leg out beside his waist and I almost came off the chair, but he held me tight.

"Honey, if you feel like that... sometimes, when it's really, really bad, you're not crazy, you're a normal person. We all do, sometimes." He squeezed. "You hear me?"

I nodded, even if I was crying.

"And if you're depressed, sometimes it's harder to fight, and things get bad a bit quicker, and you're ~still~ not crazy, okay? And it's your job to get better from the depression, for your friends, and family, and that girl who loves you a lot, I can tell... so for her, okay?"

I tried to listen. I nodded. "You don't think I'm crazy?"

He hugged me really, really hard for a tiny moment and then let me go so he had to help me stay sitting, and looked in my eyes, serious.

"No. Not for a second." He kept looking, and I had to see him.

"I see someone who's had a terrible, terrible accident and has been very sick, and finding out things... and who's been lost...."

He blinked.

"Now you have to let the people who love you take care of you while you get all the way better, okay?"

----

I tried to look normal and Paul brushed at my hair with his fingers and said he didn't know anything about "this crazy stuff...!" which was funny because he was bald.

I still looked like I'd been crying, I guess, from everyone's faces. And from Paul carrying me.

He put me on the bed so slowly and carefully that it was weird after about four seconds, and then he plumped the pillows under my leg and back and then folded the sheet over me and stood back and looked at it and then adjusted it, and then looked happy. Then he put the IV bag back up and did the valve thing back to drip.

"There!" He looked at me like he was in trouble. "Is that alright?"

I nodded and he smiled and looked relieved and winked at me. He looked at everyone else then. "One of my pickier patients. Everything has to be ~just~ so."

He sighed and walked out.

Everyone turned from looking at the door to me, and Mom looked like she was a second from breaking up. I looked at my bed and did frowny-face and looked at all of them, mad, and pointed.

"He missed a wrinkle!"

Out in the hall Paul made a gasp sound, "Oh, NO!!!"

Someone else said, "What?! Not ~again~?"

There was a bunch of little-kid giggling and a shriek just before Paul laughed.

----

Paul gave me a long hug before he left at four. He whispered that I should try to eat, and pretend Carson was feeding me....

-

The new nurse was named Caroline and her tag had a picture of Speed Racer. I asked how come she didn't have a girl tag and she said she had to have Speed, because she had a sports car, and blinked really big.

She said everyone could eat in my room ONLY if I ate more than I had been, because the hospital kitchen was "~totally~" upset at my supper order. She read from a paper.

"One grape, peeled, seed removed." She looked at me the way Mom does sometimes.

"Really! Peeled!? Have you ever peeled a grape? The cook is in tears!"

She looked at the paper again. "It says she couldn't do it and ended up mashing the whole order, so you're getting grape juice." She funny-scowled at me again.

"I ~hope~ you're happy!"

She flapped the paper around and made sure the new IV bag was obeying the laws of gravity and bent over to touch me and check that I was still in bed where I seemed to be, and whispered, "Paul said you needed to eat some more if you could, okay?"

She smiled as she stood up. Then she looked at everyone else.

"And NO fries! Except a few.... And... and ~burgers~ and ~junk~ food like that are ~right~ out, unless cut in half to at least let the flavor out. Understood?"

She nodded at everyone else and then kissed my dirty hair. "More than a peeled grape, okay?"

-

When Caroline was gone, Carson sat half on the bed and looked at the door, and at me, and grinned.

"When Jerri had her appendix out they were ~never~ like this."

----

Mom and Val went down to the cafeteria to get some trays of food for everyone about the same time as the lady came with my dinner and we heard them laughing in the nurse's station.

When she came in it was just a single ~tiny~ glass of purple juice on a tray.

Then she laughed too and gave me the glass and went out and brought in a usual tray. She rolled the eating tray-table thing over and lifted the lid off the plate and it did look nice. I smiled back and she got more real, and patted my bed. "Eat up, okay? We cooked it especially for you."

Carson was smiling kinda funny at me when I looked up from the food, or away from the door.

"What?" I had to smile. She looked like she was trying to figure out what to say. I was remembering what Paul whispered.

"This is ~so~ different." She grinned and shook her head.

"What?"

She smiled bigger. "Than when Jerri was here! And ~way~ from when you were here before! I mean, everyone smiled and everything, but Paul ~carried~ you! And everyone's joking and... so nice! And Jerri was on this floor, too!""

I smiled huge.

"It's Paul. He's like that, like magic." I looked up too. "And your balloon too. Everyone likes it."

I looked at her look at Strawberry and her smile. "It was like you were here all day...."

I had some happy tears and she broke the rules.

----

Dad came while we were eating and he acted all surprised at everyone and asked Mom if dinner was ready at home and didn't Val have chores to do, and ~what~ was ~I~ still doing in bed!?

Mom said dinner was a burger or nothing, and Val was doing double-duty on the chores and needed a vacation for one night, and ~I~ was the Queen of England, if the nurses were to be believed, so he should watch 'is tongue!

He looked at everyone and Carson fed me a french fry and wiped delicately at my lips with a napkin and we smiled at him.

"Oh, well then, okay." He smiled all fake and kissed everyone on the top of their head and pretended to spit a hair out after me and sat and looked at all the food.

"Mmmmm... a picnic!"

Carson was still bright red from Dad's kiss and I was so happy I cried a bit more.

----

Dr. Wilkinson came again that evening and apologized again.

I still didn't like him, but I knew he didn't mean to hurt Carson, any more, anyway. He said it was about what Mom and I thought, not even Carson. It still hurt.

He asked all about my day instead of all the stuff before, and about Paul and the other nurses and stuff, and even about the other kids on the floor. It was a strange, from a shrink. I think.

Then he talked like I was an adult, and maybe not even sick. He said I was there because I was seriously undernourished and dehydrated and anorexic and clinically depressed and moderately suicidal, and I'd been taking some powerful drugs that ~sometimes~ had bad side-effects, like suicidal thoughts.

And I wasn't on them anymore. The little pink pills. But he said ~not~ being on them was serious too, or might be, for a while.

He asked about how I was feeling about suicide and we talked about something he called a safety plan. It was like what the phone place said on Sunday, and kinda like the promise that Carson and I made. But he made me tell him like ten times what I would do.

And even though I had to see him or some other doctor at the hospital every other day for a while, I was probably going to be allowed to go home next afternoon, if I could eat a good breakfast and lunch and my blood stuff was okay in the morning, that they were checking that all the pink pills were gone.

He said I'd have a diet I was supposed to try to follow, mostly so I wouldn't get dehydrated again, but he said I couldn't heal up if I didn't eat.

And I didn't need to have someone sleep with me again but someone could if I wanted. Stay with me when I slept.

----

Val slept over, and we talked in the light from the hall.

"Aren't you missing a lot of classes?" I'd almost stopped thinking about school. I was probably going to have to go next summer to graduate. Or... it was hard to remember what Carson'd said.

"Not really, just a couple of morning ones this week, no problem." She moved and the gurney thing squeaked. "You worried about yours again?"

"A bit. I was just... I guess I'm pretty close to caught up, or I could pass maybe... but...."

"I get to cover some of my classes just with notes, and my profs are good about their assignments, so don't worry, I'm not in any trouble."

She squeaked again. "Remember how we used to sleep in front of the TV on the floor?"

I had to smile. "Yeah, and the weird light and scary movies...."

She laughed a note. "You always made me change the channel, goof! We never got past the first half hour, what can you remember about any scary parts!?"

"Hey, I was like eight! And the music was enough to scare you and don't pretend you weren't scared. ~You~ were always the one who made us turn on the light in the kitchen!" I smiled more and more as I remembered how shivery and fun those nights had been.

It was quiet for a while. "I miss them."

"Me too... We should have one again."

----

In the middle of the night a nurse came in and took off the IV line, even though she left the needle in and the board thing taped to my hand, and shushed me and said I didn't need more fluids or something. But she took the bag.

She helped me sit up and gave me a glass of orange juice to drink and then touched my forehead and told me to go back to sleep.

Val was awake when I looked. She smiled at me and I smiled back and I suddenly felt like everything was gonna be okay again.

----

Because I was already awake, Rowena, the same nurse who was in for my IV, helped me in the bathroom and put the chair thing in the shower so I could sit.

She put this thick ointment on my leg and watched me through the plastic curtain while I got less smelly. And mopped up the floor from my leg where it still had to stick out.

"You seem a lot cheerier this morning."

I had to smile, even if it was probably just a nurse thing to say.

"Yeah! You guys work fast! I think I'm cured!" I laughed before she'd think I was crazier than the chart probably said. "Really, I am. I do feel better. Thank you."

I got back to scrubbing.

I turned off the water after I decided the horrible liquid soap they had was about done, even if my hair still felt dirty and smelled antiseptic after rinsing forever. I shook my head around and pressed out as much water as I could. "Could you please pass a towel?"

She opened the curtain and handed me one towel and started on my back with another one. "You really need to gain back a little more weight...." She patted my back and ribs. They showed in front.

I suddenly felt really self-conscious and put my arms down so they-

"You aren't sick yet, but you're close, you know, and besides, I think Carson would like to know that she won't cut herself on a shoulder blade or poke herself on a hip...." She poked my hip and smiled.

And it was suddenly okay again.

-

I thought for a second, and it was normal, just shyness, not the depression.

----

Breakfast ~was~ depressing. Well, not really, but you know. I ate some of the egg and a piece of toast and Val made me drink more of the juice and water and bugged me about the eggs. The breakfast lady did too, but you can't eat if you're not hungry. I just felt sick if I did, but I did try.

Mom came right before eight and sat with me while Val spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom trying to look less like me. Like before my shower.

Mom tried to comb out my knots while we waited. She said it was like I had sand in there, didn't I use shampoo...?

-

I felt like I wanted to walk around, which is what we did, after Val worked on my hair. She said the soap must have ~glue~ in it or something....

-

Lots of the kids were still in bed.

Deena, one of the older girls who visited me the day before was dressed all normal and just reading on hers. She said it was mostly because the doctors did their rounds and stuff early on our ward, or sometimes the specialists, and it was just easier to wait around a few hours....

We said hi and talked a bit and I introduced Valerie to her and met some more kids who stopped in just 'cause we were there, I think. It was really boring there most of the time, especially for the really young kids, and just someone talking was more fun than normal.

We said hi and visited in the rooms where they had to stay in bed too, if they could.

-

Paul came on at nine o'clock and convinced me to finish the breakfast juice and half a cruller that he'd brought too. Then he walked with us too and made silly introductions to all the kids again and the parents who were there and had some of the littlest ones totally spazzing they were laughing so hard.

----

Because I was there, I got sent down to see the ortho guy, and he cut my cast at the ankle so my foot was free and said it'd be really stiff and might hurt and keep ~ALL~ weight off it for a while, but I didn't need it any more. That part.

When I got back to my room, Dr. Wilkinson had set up an appointment in a week with a lady who had an office not far from our school. Counseling, ~besides~ shrinking. But he'd talked with Mom while Val and I were in the basement at ortho.

And he'd said I was supposed to be with people as much as possible. And take a not-pink pill every day that wouldn't even start working for a couple of weeks. I'd get the first one with lunch.

And the dietitian came by with the lunch lady and gave Mom a diet sheet and said I had to eat more.

-

And after lunch (that I ate almost all of, except the meat), I was allowed to go home.

----

Paul was waiting in the hall with a Dora the Explorer balloon and a wheelchair.

I put his ribbon with Carson's and hugged him and cried because he was the best help I'd ever had in the hospital, ever, and I was afraid to say love when I hardly knew him but I whispered in his blue superhero smock.

He whispered "I love you too, honey. You come and visit us, okay?"

I kissed his cheek and promised.

----

Even with the weird, burning pain in my ankle, it was wonderful to hop out of the car almost all by myself and be home!

Even if the reason we didn't go to a restaurant for lunch was that I was still stinky because of the hospital soap smell. Or I thought I was, anyway.

Val sure was.

----

The hot bath was more than wonderful. After she did my leg, Val lit about a dozen little candles on the counter, and bent down and kissed my wet cheek.

"Welcome home, little brother."

Then she turned out the light and waited outside.

It was beautiful.

----

She remembered to leave a towel so I could cover up, too. I gave her a hug and thanks just for that when she helped me out of the tub. And a bigger one for the candles.

----

The weather was almost winter cold with really gusty wind and it looked like it was gonna rain any second, but it'd looked that way all afternoon. Val had to go out to the university for something and when I waved at her through the front window she almost got blown away.

Leaves and bits of paper were flying all over the street and one little kid was playing and kind of leaning in the wind for fun, opening her jacket and sailing-running.

Mom came and sat on the sofa arm behind me and touched my neck. It felt nice to be home.

"What are you looking at?"

I figured she was worried I was depressed, but I was feeling totally happy, for a windy, cold, lonely-looking, half-in the hospital, sore ankle day. I sat around and ended up facing away from Mom and looking straight up at her, which probably looked ridiculous.

"Just the wind. It looks so cold now...." I had to put my head up.

I looked out over the back of the couch again, but couldn't really see the street that way so I sat more around to see Mom. Besides, my foot needed to be different.

"Do you think Carson'll come after school? I can't remember if she said there was a practice or if she was going if there was...."

I tried to look out the window and then back at Mom again. I couldn't remember what day it was. She was looking down at me and smiling.

"I don't remember either."

I was a bit freaked that she knew what I was thinking before I remembered: Carson. I still wondered if she would.

Mom came around to sit at the other end of the sofa and after I was arranged she pulled off my sock to massage my foot and ankle. After asking me what felt good, I laid back.

"Mom?"

She looked over at me.

"Is it okay if I love Carson?"

I think I meant was it okay if we were an item, if we dated. If it was really okay with her.

Instead, love came out and I turned red. But it felt good to say that, too.

She stopped massaging, but kept holding my foot and looked at me all serious.

"I think it's a little early to be sure if it's really love, but yes. It's more than okay if you love her."

"How can I be sure?" I was burning up red, but I was serious. She just smiled.

"It's something you know, maybe... when someone is the most important person in the world to you, and they make your life better, and you want them to be proud of you?" She thought a few seconds.

"And you don't have to be the best there is, but you feel like you have to do your very best?" She really smiled and gently rubbed the back of my ankle again.

"Is that how you feel about Carson?"

"I don't know." I started to feel sad at that. "All I've been is sick...."

"And you've been the ~very~ best friend, taking care for her and trying to protect her, haven't you? The very best you can?"

"I never thought I was doing it, like that...."

"I don't think you're supposed to think about what you're doing, to see if it's love. I think that one day, you look at her, at yourself, and you kiss, and if it's all there...."

Mom put my sock back on and my foot down, and moved around to behind me again and scootched me down so she could sit back and could hold me, and squeezed me.

"Love!"

I had to think.

"Is all love the same?" I was thinking about what it was like just weeks ago, and if we... if I felt different. "Does it change?"

"No. And yes." She smiled, I could feel.

'Yes and no what?" That she smiled made me smile.

"No, it's not always the same. As a matter of fact, it's different, every time and every day, and so yes, it changes."

"Is it different for different people?"

"Well.... I love you differently than Valerie and your father, and I know you love us all differently. And couples certainly aren't all the same either."

I ~really~ had to think.

"If... if I love someone, like Carson... can I still love other people? Not family? I mean, like is it wrong?"

I thought it sounded wrong, the way I said it.

"I mean, different, but, love?"

"Why do you say that?" She didn't sound like it was a bad question.

I started to get tight in the chest. I just had too many feelings.

"Paul...."

She nodded her head in my hair. "Mmm?"

"When... when I was afraid I was crazy... he told me stuff that helped, more than, more than.... an... any... thing...."

I had to breathe a while. Mom waited.

"He... he made me feel like it, like I... could... like I'm gonna be okay." My eyes filled up and I closed them because I couldn't see anyway.

"And I think... I love him too, like... like...." I had to breathe. More.

"It's the only word I have."

Mom pulled me back really tight and ducked her head so she could almost see me.

"Is that why you gave him a kiss?"

I nodded.

"And are you going to do the best you can, for him?"

I had to think, but I thought that was what going back and saying... visiting him, and getting better so he could see... was. I nodded.

"Then yes, I think that's love, too." She whispered. "I think it sounds like he loves you too."

I nodded. "He said."

"Do you want to do something for him?"

I never thought of that. I nodded again. I had to breathe more for a while.

"Could I? What... I don't know what?"

I tried to think. I didn't even know what he liked.

-

She made me tell her about him while she stroked my hair and forehead.

She knew a lot, but I still told her about how he was funny, and how he said Carson was beautiful and what we talked about, and how he kind of treated me like I was a lot younger than I was and it felt nice, there.

I didn't tell her about the bathroom, but I said I trusted him....

I said how he was so gentle with my leg, even though it was better, how it felt so... safe... like he wouldn't even make the tiniest pain. And how he made me so much less scared,

And his smocks and Dora and... what I told him when I left.

And that he called me honey.

I didn't cry because I was sad. But I felt like it was okay, to let some bad feelings out, some of what I was afraid of... or wasn't, with Paul, or Mom.

-

"It sounds like he has a lot of love, maybe for all the kids on that ward?"

I'd never thought of that. He was still there, and tomorrow... and how he did all the little jokes with all of them... I had an idea that made me smile and I twisted around.

"Everyone really liked Carson's balloon?"

-

End of Part 10