Little Pink Pills

Part Eight, by Michelle Wilder

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

(Mary Jane, by Alanis Morissette)

(Revised and reposted)

----

"Wow... You have it bad!"

"What?" I didn't really care. She grinned even more.

"Girl, you're in love...."

----

"I am not!" I tried to get stiff or something, but she was... well, I still felt completely excellent. Even if my sister was nuts.

"And I'm not a ~girl~!"

"Okay, okay...." She laughed a note. "But it's hard to tell you two apart, and ~one~ of you is sure a girl!"

"What? Whatta you mean!? ~Carson's~ a girl! ~The~ girl!! Not me!"

I thought that I might be gay, but I didn't think I should tell her that right then. She just smiled and laughed even more.

"But ~you're~ all clingy and huggy and crying and hand-holdy." She shook me again. "Hence: girly!"

I tried to be outraged, but she hit some of what I was worried about, about what the guys would say, only a different word....

"Hey, I was just kidding. Really, I know, I know Carson's a girl, and... but you're pretty different, too." She took my hand in one of hers and sort of patted my cast.

"I don't mean anything... but you're... you're more, um... emotional too, now, since the hospital...."

I probably looked worried. It was scary to hear it from Val. I guess I knew people would see, but hearing it was hard. I was even afraid to talk about it with Carson.

"I know..." I fiddled with my hand, turning it in hers.

----

I told her what I thought, about what happened to the both of us, why Carson came out to me and how it was mostly because of when I was hurt, and when she held me, how I was.

But she asked all sorts of questions, like how come everyone who breaks a leg or gets sick doesn't become all sensitive and touchy? And even if it did happen once in a while, how was it that it happened to ~both~ of us in the same moment?

I didn't have any good answers, just, just that I felt like that was what it was.

I didn't tell her, but I think I trusted how I felt more since Carson told me how ~she~ knew who she was just by feeling.

Val shook her head, almost like she was reading my mind and didn't agree.

"I think that's when you really fell in love."

"~What~?" I didn't see what she meant. She said it sort of after I was thinking about how Carson had been.... How she felt.

"I think you two probably fell in love when you were both so scared and stuff." She smiled like it was okay.

"But... we've been friends for... since high school started! It-"

"But ~you~ thought she was a boy." She pulled my hand over more.

"And ~she~ thought you were like any other boy, and would hate her, or laugh at her or something, so she would never have even looked at you that way, just to not go crazy.... She probably never thought of anyone that way."

I tried to think about that. Val kept going.

"So when you broke your leg, from what everyone says, you two were crying and holding each other and probably being closer to anyone than you've ever been in your whole adolescent life? Hunh?"

She looked at me like it was true. I was still having cold shivers about what she said, that everyone saw....

"And I bet my little brother turns out to be at least a ~little~ bit gay?"

She said it and looked like it wasn't bad with her, and I already thought that, too. It was still cold-embarrassing.

"Hmm?"

I had to nod.

"Maybe?" She just smiled. "But that's a really good thing, hey? What with Carson looking like, like she does." She smiled really big.

"Or you might not have noticed her, even sitting on you."

I had to think.

-

"How do you think she looks?" She asked it pretty quietly.

~That~ I didn't have to think about. I still had to whisper, as if it was bad, like gay.

"Beautiful."

She hummed a soft hum.

"How did you think she looked, before?"

I had to look at her again. I'd never thought about that. Good question.

I tried to remember. Then I tried to think of just one time, because I had a total mix of memories.

-

"W-w-when we m-met, in try-outs, I think I'd seen her in the halls that day, or the day before, maybe...." I tried hard to remember.

"She was handsome. I m-m--mean, with her eyes and her m-mouth and her, like, body...?"

"Is that what you thought, then, or are you thinking of her now?"

"I... I think I thought, that... then? But lots of guys are good-looking, and girls, and that doesn't m-mean I was gay. Just the... that I noticed?"

I tried to figure out if she was right, if I thought of just her, or all boys, like that....

Or even if I ever did. I couldn't remember ever thinking about having sex with a boy. I'd have remembered ~that~. But I didn't think about having sex with girls, either. I mean, I knew how, or what was supposed to happen, I guess, and guys talked about it, but I hadn't really... I guess, fantasized, about that.

But touching her. And the dreams.

-

"Mmm?" Val wiggled my leg.

"I dunno... m-m-maybe?"

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe, but I don't know if I am. Gay." I looked at her, for some reason feeling like I could talk about it.

"I don't think I've really looked at guys ~or~ girls that way, very much? Or maybe both, the same? But not...."

As soon as I said that, I knew it wasn't true. I went out with Rayne last year a couple of times and was really turned on by her. But I hadn't thought about her in a year, until that moment. And I was just excited, not really sex.

"But?" I guess Val was watching me think. I turned red from embarrassment.

"Umm... well, I guess I have, did... once, anyway...."

"Girl or boy?" She smiled like either was good.

"Rayne, um... Stevenson... a girl. Do you remember her?"

"Dark hair, tall?"

I nodded.

"Well, you have a definite type...." She grinned like the teasing had begun.

"Do you think? Really?" Hair... tall. Maybe, but I kinda felt odd that I had a 'type.' It felt stupid or something.

Val laughed and I had to look to see she was just happy.

"No, ~not~ really, not from just her and Carson. They're pretty far apart." She smiled like she was even happier. "And you have way more... you're way closer to Carson than you ever seemed with her."

I had to think to remember Rayne, and what we did... a couple of dates and dancing at Kerry's party.... That was the turn-on, when we danced. But it was like watching a film, now.

When I thought about Carson, it was something real, in my chest and stomach and my eyes. And... I wasn't thinking right.

-

Val was still smiling at me, but not like she was laughing any more.

"Are you really okay with all this? I mean, I didn't mean to make fun of you, just... well, it's all so new, y'know?" She still said it like it was good with her.

It was good with me too, sorta, but a hundred things about about how much harder it was gonna be to talk to Mom and Dad filled my head. It REALLY wasn't just about Carson.

Nope. Gay son too.

I told Val and she got serious too.

"I could tell them, for you... " She wiggled my hand, like a wave. "You told me about her.... That worked okay, right?"

I tried to think about that, but another thought got in the way.

Me, gay.

"I have to ask Carson if... I mean... tell her, about, about m-m-m-me...." The red was back. Duck and cover.

"No, you don't. Not about you." Valerie wagged my hand and tapped my own head with it.

"She already knows."

----

Carson called really late all laughing to tell me her dad was freaked because she was happy or something.

Then she said he was really just all grumpy. Then she said her mom kinda figured out some of what happened and that's what he was stomping around about.

"Happened?" I think I sounded scared.

"Yeah!" She laughed in her voice. "That you asked me to the movies."

I smiled all over. It was too embarrassing to say what else, but I could tell that's what she meant, phone where everyone might hear and all. Hearing her smile made everything perfect again.

-

We promised each other in code that we'd talk about telling Brenda and my parents the next night.

I didn't tell her about the gay thing we talked about. I was too scared. Or maybe happy.

-

Before we hung up I wanted to say something to tell her she was special. I mean, that the afternoon, and that night... were special.

That she was.

I think I missed my turn, or whatever she said, 'cause she said, "Hey? Still there?"

I still had to think. I didn't have any idea what a boy should say. They never talked about that, just dirty jokes or lying or bragging. And I couldn't remember anything from English class or... or the movies or songs....

"Carse?"

She said, "Yeah?"

She was listening. She said it quietly, too. I took a breath because it would either be the most embarrassing moment of my life, or she'd smile.

"I just... wanted... to, to tell you...."

She stayed silent. I heard her, even with no noise. I heard her breathe. I closed my eyes and tried to make her understand.

"Touching, I mean, feeling your cheek, on my face... it was the best thing I ever felt."

I was breathless.

She didn't say anything for a really long second.

"Me too. Bye."

-

I didn't hear her smile, she hung up too quick. But she did.

----

After about five minutes I couldn't stand it any more and hopped across the hall.

"Val?"

----

Carson called from school before the game to tell me she had to eat at home after because Jerri'd told her that their dad had called her and he wanted to tell them all something important. She said it didn't sound bad.

----

She drove over a little after nine thirty and had a bruise on her chin on the left side where someone had kicked her by accident and she smiled crooked. She said we had to go up to my room right away and sat me on my bed and stood in front and vibrated.

"Guess what my dad told us at supper?" From her eyes, something good.

"You're adopted and your real parents are rich?"

She laughed.

"Better! He talked with my shrink all morning today and he says from now on we all have to go to more family sessions, because Dr. Furgeson says ~they~ have to start treating me more like a girl!!"

"What!? Ohmygod, that's GREAT!!" I tried to get up but she pushed me on my back and held me down and smiled at me.

"It is...." She changed her smile to her eyes.

"I told Mom that... what we talked about, last night... after I called you." She changed her hands from holding me down to just holding me.

"I told her I cared about you." Her eyes got shiny.

"She says I have to talk to Dr. Furgeson before we can really date...."

She looked down, and then right in mine.

"I really do."

----

She went downstairs and got Valerie and we told her we were gonna tell Mom and Dad and asked her what she thought was the best way, if ~we~ could do it, not just her telling for us.

----

"Mom, Dad. We have something truly important to tell you." Even Val looked nervous.

"Truly important."

Mom and Dad looked more serious.

Carson looked like an accident victim. She was so pale her chin even looked darker. I had to fight not to grab her hand or arm or something until Val finished the hard part.

We were all on the couch, the three of us, me in the middle. Val wanted Carson in the middle, but Carse said I had to be.

"Okay." Val looked at us and tried to smile, and then stayed looking at us and did.

"You have a son and a daughter, and the Donners just have two daughters."

She didn't even say what we ~planned~ she should!

I tried to... I don't know, but Carson put her hand on my arm and I stopped.

She smiled like it was alright, and then at Mom and Dad and I looked and they looked like they hadn't even heard, and just looked at us.

I started to get- Mom smiled at her.

"We thought that might be it. How are you doing, Carson?"

-

It was too much... relief or something... and Carson had to hold me and tell me it really ~was~ okay for about ten minutes before I could stop.

Mom rubbed my back and Val told them that amazingly no, ~I~ wasn't a girl.

Carson laughed at her and I got mad, or pretended to, but I was too happy.

----

They asked Carson all sorts of questions I don't think I would have thought of in ten years. Parents' point of view I guess, 'cause she whispered that lots of them were the same stuff her mom and dad asked her too.

They asked me stuff too, like more about if we were... well, ~us~ stuff....

We, Carson mostly, told them about the dating thing, and her trying stuff out, and I guess we both sounded like it was more practice than real, I guess. Val looked at me like she knew that, anyway. Or like it wasn't too bad they thought that, anyway.

Then Dad asked if I was gay, which we ~had~ thought of, of course. Me and Val.

He somehow said it like it had nothing to do with Carson being a girl or anything else... just me. And like it wasn't bad at all.

Val looked at me. Then Carson did, totally different. I hadn't told her about it like I wanted, before, and I'd thought of about twenty bad things about it since I talked with Val, but I figured out the best thing right then.

I couldn't look up at any of them, but Val held my hand and Carson didn't move away, even though I worried she would, even then.

"Maybe... or partly. I dunno...."

I looked into Carson's eyes, and tried to smile all the stuff I could at her.

"But I found out I mostly like girls."

----

Dad kept calling her 'him' and stuff, way more than Mom, and even though it was by accident I started to get mad and Val told me to chill out and then Carson grabbed me in a backwards hug and pulled me close.

"Thanks for thinking about me..." She leaned her head against mine so her mouth was close to my ear. "But your dad just isn't used to me and doesn't mean anything, really, and I don't want you to get in trouble, and if you do they won't let me touch your cheek again, like last night."

She touched my cheek with hers, from behind.

I didn't notice other things for a while until Mom laughed and I looked, and then Val smiled at me.

"I told 'em ~I~ still thought you made a pretty good girl too."

Carson hugged me tight for a second and made a tiny sound that wasn't a laugh and then she whispered in my ear. "I love you ~any~ way."

I think my eyes almost rolled back I tried to look at her so hard, but she kept her head hidden behind me.

----

"That was the most exciting evening I have ~ever~ had in my LIFE!!" Valerie was kind of strange-hyper. She glared at us. "Now, STOPIT!"

Carson jerked me and laughed hard, even if it was just a second. She sounded like it was hard to keep it in, and like maybe she understood whatever Val meant.

We were sitting back on Val's bed and she had her stereo on quiet to give us some privacy and she said we had to be with her so Mom and Dad wouldn't get weird about Carson and me being alone together since they were still trying to get used to it. To her. Me. Us. Us was the hardest part, almost. Us.

Carson kind of cuddled me sideways against her because it was my new best position for relaxing my hip, which was more pain than my leg. Hip pain and foot cramps. The busted up part in the middle was pretty good, compared.

And resting my face against her chest was better than relaxing. More like perfect. Us.

"Oh, jeeze...." Val made the bed jiggle but I just barely noticed. "You are ~such~ a girl...."

She sure was.

Everything was great. Carson rocked me closer and I hummed even more. Longer, I mean. But I was really quiet.

----

I ~so~ wanted her to sleep over like she did before but Val and Carson both said that couldn't happen and I guess I knew that too, but I ~sooo~ wanted her to!

It was like everything was lighter. Like tomorrow would be better than I'd thought it would before. It didn't make sense, but it was like that. Except she was going away, and even if she was coming back for lunch, or around lunch, she'd be... away.

-

She hugged me differently, harder and softer at the same time, and I tried to keep Val from hearing because she'd make fun of me.

----

Val talked to Mom and got permission or something and I slept in her room.

She hugged me almost as nice as Carson until she fell asleep. She'd switched Dad's big pajamas for a long nightgown too. They felt the same.

-

Not Val and Carse... never mind.

----

I had a dream that I fell, and instead of my leg, it was Carson holding me and she kissed me. I woke up then, sort of, and Val was there and I remembered and smiled my way back to sleep.

----

My leg didn't look that bad. The stitches had mostly come out by themselves and the ones that were still there were gross, with little, deep, red-black holes, but the pinkness was going away bit by bit and the two big scars from before were almost smooth and except for the bumps where the bone and steel was uneven and the little pit where the muscle was gone, I thought it might look okay.

It didn't hurt much at all to put it up without the cast and I had a way deeper bath than usual and soaked and remembered my dream.

It hadn't been like the ones before, thank goodness, but it was better, too. I've never been kissed before....

----

Saturday morning, I sat outside to keep him company while Dad painted the outside trim, he said before it got frosty. The smell was wonderful, the paint, the grass, and where mint or clover was when he walked on them. I loved the smells. I sat back in the cool air under the big afghan from the den and just breathed and smiled.

My foot was cold and it was just that right kind of cold, more like a tickle than a pain. My back was pinched or... bunched in one spot between the chair slats, and it felt just like summer for some reason.

A hundred things from the summer all came back.

I closed my eyes and started crying.

----

When I heard him, Dad was sitting on the deck beside me, on the floor. He had his hand on my arm and was looking at me.

He was worried, I guess, but he just watched and didn't say anything. I felt like I had to explain, and wiped my face.

"M'sorry. I was just... sad, how I missed...." I realized it wasn't just summer.

"Dad?" I scrunched up my face.

He put his painty hand on mine and sat up so he was closer. "Can I get you anything?"

"Do you still love me?" I choked and turned so I couldn't see his eyes. "If I love Carson?"

He made a sound and then put his arms all around me, my shoulders, and hugged me tight.

"Always. We'll always love you. Don't ever worry that we won't love you...." He talked like Carson, almost.

"Do you love, her?"

"I think...." I had to stop a second. "I don't know. I think so. I've never been in love before."

I rolled back so I could look in his face to see what he thought, and because he was there, and took his arm.

He looked at me different. "Why were you crying?"

I teared up again and looked down at his arm and just talked.

"I was thinking how bad it was when they were... gonna... cut off my leg... and, and the... nightmares and... and last night I dreamed she saved me and... and I was smelling the paint and mint and it's all different than just... it's like I, I just, turn around, and everything's ~different~!! And it's all been so bad, and now Carson's so, I dunno, so right, and you and Mom are so great but it's all going so fast and I'm afraid I'll just... ~fall~... and... it'll be... ~gone~... ~forever~ and... and... an..."

I started being a crybaby again and he said he didn't hate me, he loved me. And Mom loved me. Even if I loved girls ~or~ boys.

He kissed my forehead to prove it.

----

When Carson came just before lunch, Mom smiled at her and said we could be in my room alone and I couldn't wait another second after we got there, and I kissed her.

-

Her beard wasn't scratchy at all, it felt...

and her breath....

I couldn't tell what her lips felt like... my lips were electric, or tickling, or vibrating or something....

Like they were everything.

Where our lips touched. The atoms where they touched.

Her breath! Her lips!

-

When she moved them, the atoms exploded. All of me.

-

After about a year, I could feel, and her lips were soft and warm, and ~all~ ... everything....

-

When I opened my eyes she was smiling at me and brushed my hair out of the way, and kissed me again.

-

All of it. Her.

----

She said we had to stop because I was all red around my mouth and Mom or Dad would see. But if they wouldn't get mad, then I didn't want to stop, but she said even ~if~ they wouldn't get mad, they might say we couldn't be alone in my room if I was going to get all whisker-burned.

-

I wanted to cry again, it was so unfair, but kissing so her beard didn't rub too much was still great.

-

I found out she ~really~ liked hard kissing at the side of her neck, from how much she stopped moving when I stopped kissing. I liked it too, 'cause she tasted ~wonderful~ there.

----

At lunch, Mom and Dad said I had to go see a psychiatrist or psychologist or something, because they thought I might be depressed, and it had nothing to do with Carson.

Carson said I might have post-traumatic stress because she saw a show about it about a year ago and she always thought everyone had it from everything.

Val was out shopping or she would've diagnosed me too, I'm sure. Probably 'terminally girly' or something.

But Carson said, really, going to a shrink was okay, just talking, and I'd seen one in the hospital already and he even gave me truth serum or something and that turned out alright, and they didn't always have to diagnose something and hers didn't really with her and for sure not her family, they might just want me to talk out my problems and that's all she did, and besides it was really great what hers had already done for her mom and dad and Jerri, after the written test part.

I didn't say anything about her three minute sentence, or medication, but I thought it.

Mom said I was "situationally depressed" in the hospital, and I still had some kind of anorexia too. Big help. Thanks, Mom.

So Carson said maybe I'd need a straightjacket. Dad remembered a movie where the "odd" child was in a straightjacket... do you remember that one, dear? Mom laughed and told them to stop, and besides, nowadays they had drugs that would keep me nice and quiet without a straightjacket, and except for drooling I'd be as good as new.

"He already drools." Carson wiped her thumb on my lip and Mom spluttered or something and I think Dad laughed while I swatted her hand away and tried to wipe ~her~ drool!

----

Mom and Dad were both worried that I wasn't eating enough because I'd lost so much weight and everything, but the problem was that I wasn't ~doing~ anything either.

I'd only felt safe even just going down the stairs in just the last week (up was way easier) and that was about when I started to feel good just standing, too. So I didn't think it was anything too much.

Besides, I just wasn't hungry most of the time.

-

Carson didn't think it was too bad either, or at least she didn't say anything too much about it. She did say there was no way I was gonna make the team again.

"Why not?!" As soon as I said that I knew it was dumb. The season was almost over, just a month left even if we made post-season, and I'd still have the cast. But she looked like it was something more than that.

"I...." She looked at her legs, and mine. "I wouldn't want to tackle you...." About ten things went through my head, but I thought she mostly meant because I was still healing....

"There's, I mean, I doubt if your leg's ever gonna be strong enough for football, with the rod and screws... and... all."

And after the infection they took out... much. Oh.

Even though the doctors said I'd be as good as new, what they ~meant~ was I'd walk without a limp.

If I worked really, really, ~really~ hard at it.

And that was all.

-

End of Part 8