Stephanie’s Deal by Jennifer Brock Five weeks ago, Steven Brooks was an eleven-year-old boy who peeked at his Christmas presents. Due to his participation in a strange cross-dressed pageant at church, his punishment was to live in girl’s clothing until school started. But school was delayed, and the punishment stretched out, and situations arose that caused him to get deeper and deeper into his role. Now, Stephanie Brooks is a twelve-year-old girl seeing a psychiatrist to figure out what’s to become of her.

Episode 18

After waking up, Stephanie just lay in bed and stared at the ceiling for a while, trying to decide who to be that morning. Steven had tried to begin the previous day as a boy and it hadn’t gone well. But if Stephanie started out as a girl, would she have to wash off all her girl stuff later in the day before she could put on boy clothes. Maybe she should skip her bath this morning. But it felt better to feel all clean before putting on her pretty things. She was supposed to do boy things as a girl and girl things as a boy, and Steven had been taking showers instead of baths, so she decided to be a girl that morning but take a shower.

It was only about halfway through her shower, when she’d already shampooed her hair twice and the conditioner was sitting in it, that she realized how impossible it was to be dressed as a girl while in the shower. Her tape even came loose and her obvious non-girlness popped out, but somehow that didn’t change her mind; she had started her shower as a girl, and she was going to finish it as a girl, no matter what. She leaned back and let the water hit her chest, and she swore that her nipples felt it more strongly than before she started her herbal oils. She closed her eyes and imagined having large, full breasts reaching out to catch the droplets. They’d better hurry up and grow already!

Out of the shower, she spent extra time rubbing lavender oil into her chest since she hadn’t bathed in it, and even swallowed a sip of that gross tea-tree oil. It didn’t taste at all like tea! She put her robe on and blow-dried her hair the way her sister had shown her to do it. Her hair came out fuller and bouncier than usual. She decided to just leave it that way, without any ribbons, hair bands or barrettes.

She wanted to look nice but comfortable, so she dressed in her matching purple knit top and skirt, with black tights and her black Mary Janes. She wanted a little bit of makeup, so she did her lashes in brown mascara and gave her cheeks a light dusting of blush, finishing off by coating her lips in shiny pink gloss.

Mom seemed a little disappointed that she hadn’t tried to be a boy again, but Stephanie assured her she intended to follow her doctor’s instructions, just later in the day. She said she’d wear her boy clothes when it came time to help with dinner, and that seemed to satisfy her.

After breakfast, Stephanie went up to her room to work on her model car. She got so tightly focused on her project that when she stopped for lunch it came as a shock to look out the window and see that it was snowing. It apparently had been snowing for a while, since everything outside was coated with a thin layer of vanilla frosting. It stopped around 2:30, and she decided that it would be nice if Dad came home to a clear driveway, so she told her Mom she was going to go shovel.

Of course, shoveling meant she’d have to change her clothes. That meant a decision was needed. She was going to have to put on boy clothes later anyway, so she could just be a boy to clear the snow, too. Or she could change into different girl clothes and be a girl to clear the snow and then later take off her snowy stuff to be a boy for dinner. The doctor had told her to do boy stuff as a girl and girl stuff as a boy, and clearing snow was kind of boy stuff, so she decided to change but stay a girl.

She took off her skirt set but kept her tights on, thinking they’d be warmer under her pants than just socks would be. On top she wore her red long-sleeved t-shirt, and on the bottom she pulled up her light blue jeans with the wide flares that would fit over her pink snow boots. They were kind of tight, and Stephanie wondered if they made her butt look like the kind boys like to see.

She went down to the front hall and put on her pink jacket, hat, scarf and gloves and a look in the hall mirror confirmed that there was no doubt she was a girl. She looked like a Snowbunny Barbie or something. She poked her head into where her mother was working and said she was going out to clear snow. Mom had to look up twice and told her she looked very cute, and was even laughing a little.

Stephanie went into the garage and grabbed a snow shovel then pushed the button to open the door. She figured it would be easiest to start at the top of the driveway and work her way to the street. There was maybe four or five inches of snow, not a lot but enough so that it would have been a problem for Dad’s car. He should have taken Mom’s SUV, then he could have just gone into four-wheel drive, but he didn’t. But then Stephanie couldn’t have done a nice thing for him and cleared the driveway.

The snow was pretty light and didn’t stick together or get all slushy, so the shoveling wasn’t too bad. That is, until she got to the street. The snowplow had made like this giant ice dam across the bottom of the drive. She chopped at it with her shovel for a while, but it was really tough going.

She heard a shout from next door, “Anthony, go help her!” Stephanie looked up and saw that Tony D’Amico was in his driveway shoveling too. He was like sixteen and in high school. Stephanie’s sister was older than him, but she’d had like a crush on him when he was a freshman and had done something important in a football game. His mother was standing in their doorway pointing at Stephanie.

Tony came over and made light work of the pile of ice with his shovel. Stephanie thanked him for his help and he smiled and she kind of understood what Michelle saw in him. He had really pretty eyes and amazing muscles and she felt a little weird inside. He asked if she needed any help on the rest, and she said she was okay to do it alone. He turned to go and said, “See you around, Cutie!” and her knees got a little wobbly but she managed to stay upright.

The rest of the job was pretty easy, but there was a lot of it. The repeated motion of her arms and shoulders really made her notice that she was wearing a bra, especially when her chest muscles would flex against the cups. In order to avoid being overwhelmed by how much needed to be done, Stephanie made a game of it. She’d work on a little section at a time, and then guess how many shovelfuls it would take. At first her estimates were way off, but after a while she got better at judging how much snow was there. For the last few bits of driveway, she tried going in reverse and guessing how far she’d get in fifteen shovels.

She finished the driveway and still had the front walk to do when Mom called her in to take a break. She was worried that Stephanie had spent too much time in the cold. She made her sit in the kitchen so she didn’t drip snow all over the house, and gave her a nice big mug of hot chocolate with three marshmallows. It was yummy! Mom told her that the cold had really brought out the pink in her cheeks and it looked very cute, but she wouldn’t let her leave the kitchen to go look in the mirror.

She asked for permission to go to the bathroom, but she had to leave her boots in the kitchen. Her cheeks were really pink; Mom was right. But she didn’t know that Stephanie was wearing blush and it wasn’t all from the cold. Her coat of gloss had served to keep from getting chapped lips, even better than lip balm. She also learned that wearing tights under jeans made going to the bathroom very frustrating. She had to peel back all the layers, and her jeans were a little wet which made them clingier.

But nevertheless, it did seem like sitting down felt more comfortable. Standing like a boy just seemed so much messier; they didn’t even wipe. Stephanie decided that even if she had to go back to being a boy all the time, she would still sit to pee. It was obviously the better way to do it. She pulled her panties and tights and jeans back on, and then washed her hands. After a quick check in the mirror to fix her hair and redo her lip gloss, she went back to the kitchen to get her boots and outerwear back on before returning to work.

A thought hit her. They weren’t surprised. She got her mother’s attention. “Mom, when I was out there, Mrs. D’Amico made Tony give me a hand with the messy stuff at the end of the driveway.”

“That was nice of them. I hope you said thank you.”

“I did.” Stephanie shook her head to get back on track. “But wait, what I just realized is that neither of them seemed surprised that I was a girl. How come?”

Mom smiled. “Honey, you’ve been coming in and out of the house in skirts and dresses and makeup for over a month now, and you didn’t think the neighbors would have noticed?”

“Oh. I hadn’t really thought about that. But why were they acting like nothing was weird? They both just treated me like a real girl.” She didn’t mention that Tony had said she was cute, but remembering it made her blush anyway.

Mom shrugged. “I don’t know, Sweetie. Maybe they figured you were just some girl that’s been living with us for a while, like a niece or something. Or maybe they know it’s you but don’t have a problem with it. We live in a small town, so they could have talked to someone from church who knows your story. If they didn’t bring it up, I don’t think you need to worry. Now I want you to come back in if you start feeling too cold, okay?”

Stephanie nodded and gave her a little hug before going back out through the garage. She grabbed her shovel and set about clearing the path from the driveway to the front door, and then the walk from the front door down to the sidewalk. There was some kind of law where people had to shovel the sidewalk in front of their houses even though the town owned it, but someone else had already done it. The way it was cleared looked like old Mr. Reynolds might have done it with his snowblower.

All she had left was the path on the other side of the driveway around to the back door. It was easy to do; the snow was light and fluffy. When she had the walk finished and she was all done shoveling, a silly impulse hit her. She jumped out into the smooth whiteness of the backyard and lay down. She hadn’t made a snow angel since she was a little little kid, but for some reason it seemed like a fun idea. She did the “jumping jack” motions and then carefully stood up and tiptoed away to avoid messing her impression.

Mom was in the garage waiting for her. She was laughing, and said she saw what Stephanie had done. It was pretty, but she couldn’t come into the house with her back covered in snow. She made her leave her coat and boots and hat and stuff in the garage, where Mom hung them up on the back wall. She even made Stephanie take her wet jeans off, which she threw over the railing on the stairs.

Stephanie was ready to go back in the house, but Mom pointed out that she hadn’t been very careful when undressing and had stood in a puddle, so her tights would have to come off, too. It was a little embarrassing to be in just her t-shirt and panties, but Mom was a girl too, so it wasn’t too bad.

She did seem to have a weird look on her face, though. Stephanie asked what was wrong, and Mom said, “Sorry, Honey. It’s just that you look so natural, even half-dressed, that sometimes I have to remind myself you’re not really a girl. Go get changed and you can help me finish dinner.”

Stephanie scampered off upstairs, and thought about what she wanted to wear. She was supposed to be doing her helping out in the kitchen as a boy, so she really shouldn’t have kept her girl stuff on, but she figured no one would know and kept her panties and training bra on. To be extra careful that Mom wouldn’t see her bra, she layered over it an undershirt, a rugby shirt, and the thickest sweater Steven owned.

She just pulled a pair of old jeans over her panties, but they fit weird after spending all that time in girls’ pants, but she was sure they’d feel normal again after a while. She pulled on a pair of white tube socks, and then almost put on her pink girl sneakers instead of Steven’s grungy old ones.

Stephanie went into the bathroom and washed her face to get the makeup off. If it were up to her, she’d stay pretty all the time. But the doctor told her she had to wear her boy clothes for a couple hours each day. If that was supposed to make her want to be a boy all the time again, it wasn’t working. She had to make her hairstyle go boyish, too. She got out the hair gel and slicked it back like she’d been taught.

A check in the mirror showed that she’d forgotten to change out her earrings. She swapped her dangly ones for the silver star studs that started this whole thing. She also very nearly left her charm bracelet on. She liked wearing it; it reminded her of her boyfriend. But she was supposed to be Steven now, and he didn’t have a boyfriend.

Steven sighed and went down to the kitchen to help get supper ready. He tried really hard not to walk like a girl, and it seemed like Mom noticed he was being a boy. It looked like she was going to offer him an apron to wear, but she hung it back up without saying anything. She’d put a lasagna into the oven while Stephanie was shoveling, so she put Steven to work making garlic bread to go with it. It was kind of fun mixing up the melted garlic butter then brushing it across the sliced Italian loaf.

Dad was tired when he got home, and expressed his appreciation for the cleared snow. It almost felt wrong for Steven to get credit for a chore that Stephanie had done, and he wished he was in a skirt so she could kiss her Daddy on the cheek to say he was appreciated, too. It would be easier to be just one person and not have to bounce back and forth. She had another appointment with the doctor in a day, and hoped that she’d tell her she could dress however she wanted.

After dinner, Dad had some work to do and Mom wanted to watch her shows, so Steven was left to fend for himself. He was supposed to do something girlish while in boy clothes, but couldn’t really think of anything. He decided to fudge the rules a little, and painted his nails, something a girl would do, but also probably not what the doctor meant. Stephanie’s toes went from a baby pink to a darker cherry red, and then her fingers followed. By the time they were dry, she figured her hour was up and she could get out of Steven’s stuff and back into her own.

But it was night, so she just hung out in her room in her nightgown and robe for a while. She put a CD in and practiced singing along, using the lyrics from the little booklet that came with it. Miley was a pretty good singer, and her songs were fun, whether she was singing them or Hannah was. Stephanie thought about writing her a fan letter, since she also knew what it was like trying to be two people. One of her was even blonder than the other, just like Stephanie. But Miley was like a big famous singer/actress/movie star and probably wouldn’t write back. Stephanie was stuck getting advice from Dr. Howard.

The next morning, she spent some time rummaging in her little attic to get her secret comic books out for the doctor. She kept them in a printer paper box (Mom goes through a lot of those during tax season) tucked away behind some boxes of old homework. Stephanie made sure she had the issues in order and none were missing. She wasn’t sure why the doctor wanted to read it, but she didn’t want her missing any part of the story. The doctor wanted to see her art, so she put a couple of her model spaceships made from other models in the box.

With that out of the way, she was ready to get dressed. The last time she saw the doctor, she dressed kind of in-betweeny since she didn’t know if the appointment was for a boy or a girl, but for her second appointment she wanted to look her best for the doctor. She wore her padded bra, to give her hopefully budding figure a hand, and a full slip under her favorite purple striped dress. She went with white tights and planned to wear her black Mary Janes unless it was still messy out and her snowboots were called for.

She brushed her hair out as full as possible, and then put on a black ribbon hairband. She wanted to wear her good garnet jewelry, since it was her best, but it was just too fancy for a regular day. She opted instead to go with the pink beaded set her Aunt Jeannie had made for her for Christmas. She was pretty sure that pink and purple worked okay together. For luck, she added her charm bracelet on the same wrist as her pink bracelet, and put her watch on the other side.

She did her makeup a few times before it came out right. Her brown mascara was just a little heavier than the day before, and she put it on both her upper and lower lashes. Matching eyeliner in the thinnest line she could draw went on the upper lid only, and she finished her eyes with a light coat of pink eye shadow. A little blush went on her cheeks, just enough to keep her nervous face from looking too pale, and she used her reddest gloss to bring color and shine to her lips. She double-checked in the mirror to make sure she hadn’t overdone anything, and felt satisfied that she hadn’t. The girl that looked back at her was pretty and stylish, but didn’t seem too much older than Stephanie’s real age.

Dad hadn’t left for work yet and was still around at breakfast. He told Stephanie she looked very pretty, and asked what the special occasion was. She was kind of embarrassed to tell him that she wanted to look nice for her therapist. Mom pointed out that her appointment wasn’t until after lunch, and she felt a little more silly but looking pretty was fun anyway.

Looking pretty also meant she couldn’t do anything too messy or active or her outfit would suffer, so Stephanie spent her morning sitting upright in one of the good living room chairs, reading one of her sister Michelle’s old books. It was a paperback novel that looked like it might be interesting, a romance set in the olden days about a proper lady and a rugged man. She quickly became absorbed into the story, but it started getting kind of raunchy and she had to put it down. Michelle actually liked reading this kind of stuff? Stephanie was kind of curious about the things the guy in the story was doing to the heroine, but she couldn’t quite picture everything that was described. Mostly, it made her feel jealous that she didn’t have all the same parts as the lady in the story.

To keep her dress looking nice, Stephanie wore an apron when it was time to fix lunch. They had chicken salad sandwiches and alphabet soup, a light meal but tasty. Stephanie was feeling really nervous, so she didn’t eat too much. Mom tried engaging her in light conversation, but her mind was a little too distracted.

After lunch, she went upstairs and freshened her makeup and redid her hair. She tried three different styles before settling back on the one she’d started with, but arranged a little more neatly. She liked the way that headbands made her hair look fuller in the back. It looked like a real girl’s hair, but she thought it would really look better if it were to grow longer. She hoped she wouldn’t have to go back to dumb boy short hair, at least not before the wedding in June, but maybe she wouldn’t be allowed to let it grow any longer either.

She grabbed her box of art and went down to the living room to wait until Mom said it was time to go. She made Stephanie change into her snow boots and get her coat, and they got in the car and drove to Dr. Howard’s office. When they checked in, the receptionist took a second look at Stephanie; she must have been expecting a boy. She felt very self-conscious sitting in the waiting room until it was time for her appointment. She tried flipping through a celebrity gossip magazine, but couldn’t stop feeling like everyone was staring at her.

The lady finally called their name, and they went in to see the doctor. Stephanie put her box on the table and sat down, smoothing her dress beneath her. Dr. Howard noticed her appearance. “You’re very dressed up today, Stevie. Was this your mother’s idea?”

Stephanie shook her head. “No, I just wanted to show you that I could look good as a girl. Last time I dressed kind of general, but I really like looking prettier. I feel better this way.”

She smiled at Stephanie. “That’s very interesting. Why do you think that is?”

“Well, I know that girls can wear jeans and t-shirts and sneakers and still be girls, and sometimes I do. But I guess I’m like more comfortable if I’m in something that would say to anyone who sees me that I’m without a doubt a girl.”

“You’re afraid of being discovered?”

Stephanie shrugged. “Maybe, but I think it’s more that I just feel better as a girl and don’t want to have to go back.”

“In our last session, I told you to experiment with wearing your old male clothes and seeing if the things you liked about yourself when you dressed up as a girl were still there. Did you try that?”

“I did, but I don’t think it worked.”

The doctor wrote something on her notepad. “Why is that?”

“It’s weird. Trying to be a boy again felt more like pretending than being a girl does now. It just wasn’t me anymore.”

“Did becoming your old self again get easier the more you tried it?”

“Not really. It’s like I never really made sense before and didn’t know why. But now I’m a girl and it all just clicks, like that’s what was missing. And going back to having something missing seems wrong, now that I know it can be better.” Stephanie fought to keep back a tear; she didn’t want to mess her mascara.

Mom put a hand on her shoulder, and it surprised her; Stephanie had forgotten she was even there. “Honey, I didn’t know you felt so strongly about this. Boy or girl, I just want you to be happy. And hopefully Dr. Howard can help us find a way for you to be.”

“Well, your experience is atypical for a gender identity disorder case, but I’m not prepared to say your psyche isn’t legitimately feminine. I just don’t know you well enough yet.” She turned her attention to the box. “So what did you bring me?” She opened the lid and pulled out Stephanie’s models. “These weren’t what I was expecting.”

Stephanie shrugged. “You wanted to see my comics, and there was extra room in the box so I figured I’d show you more of the stuff I’ve made. Those were supposed to be airplanes from like World War Two, but I rearranged the parts and made spaceships.”

Dr. Howard held up the models. “I suppose this blue one with the gray stripes is the ‘Good Guy’ and this red and black one is the ‘Bad Guy?’ Which one wins more often when they fight?”

Stephanie giggled. “No, they don’t fight at all.” She stood up and took the black one from the doctor. “They’re not even the same size. This one is form starting colonies on other planets. It’s got like a thousand people in it. These little dots along here are windows. When it gets to the planet it lands like a rocket, on its tail, like this.” She waved it through the air and then stood it on the table. “After it lands, the wings open up and fold down like this.” She pivoted the parts around so they seemed to resemble the petals of a flower. On top of the petals were rows of little bubbles, like marbles cut in half. “Each of these domes are greenhouses where the colony can grow its food, until they fix the air on the planet and they can make farms.”

Dr. Howard was impressed. She smiled at her patient. “That’s very creative. Have you always been interested in science fiction?”

“I guess so. Lately I kind of like magic stuff better than space stuff, but anything that’s not about the boring real world is fun.”

“So you like escaping from reality?”

“More so before, when it just felt like real life was everyone against me. But my new reality is better.”

“Do you think that maybe the whole girl thing is just another way of escaping?”

Stephanie became visibly shaken. “Being a girl doesn’t feel like pretending to me. It seems more real than when I was a boy. I’m like more connected to the world, not like I’m getting away from it.”

The doctor backed off a little. “Okay. So what does this other spaceship do?”

Stephanie brightened to show off her handiwork. “This one is smaller. It only holds one person, over here in the cockpit. It’s for exploring in deep space. So all this back here is engine. But so the pilot doesn’t get lonely, this part here is an antenna for getting radio messages from home. It can unfold, see?” She pulled on a lever and a set of bars like the ribs on an umbrella popped out, connected with a kind of lacy filigree. “This way the radio will get better reception when it’s far away from base. But it goes so far away that it takes a long time for the radio waves to get there, so they can’t have a two-way conversation. It’s mostly just news and music and stuff, mixed in with encouraging words from friends and family, to keep the pilot from going space crazy.”

“That’s really very thoughtful of you. And a very pretty piece of art you’ve made. I’m glad you showed it to me.”

Mom interrupted. “I’m very impressed, Sweetheart. Why have you been keeping talent like this to yourself?”

“I don’t know. It just seemed like you and Dad only cared about school stuff, and this was just me not following the rules and doing my own thing again.”

“Aww, Honey, I’m sorry if we made you feel that way.” She gave Stephanie a light hug. “You do really have an artistic streak that we didn’t know about. Maybe we should be looking for a school for you that has a good art program.”

The doctor tried to get things back on track. She looked into the box and pulled out one of the stapled bundles of papers. “So this is the comic book you’ve been making?” She took a look at the cover, which identified it as something called “Dreaming Sam,” then flipped through a few pages. “Wow. You did a professional looking cover, with an issue number and a date and everything, even a cover price, although oddly you didn’t put your name on it anywhere. There’s no writer or artist credited. Why is that?”

Stephanie shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I wanted to pretend someone else made it, maybe?”

“From the date on this issue, you were barely older than ten when you wrote this comic. But the artwork is very impressive.” She opened the book and pointed to a picture that spanned two pages. “Look at the detail on this dragon, here. The car Sam’s family is driving in looks like it might have been traced from a magazine or something, but that monster seems to be an original creation of yours. You definitely have a talent for drawing. There are a couple of things I’m noticing even at first blush. First, despite all the detail you put into the scene, we never get a good look at Sam’s face. Second, Sam’s outfit and hairstyle are unisex enough that we can’t really tell if he’s a boy or she’s a girl, especially when the mother uses the nickname Sammie and spells it with an ‘ie’ which is more feminine than the usual ‘y’ you’d get for a male Sammy, so we don’t know if Sam is short for Samuel or Samantha. Which is it?”

Stephanie wrinkled her forehead. “I don’t think I did that on purpose, but I guess Sam can be like whatever kid reads it.”

“That’s an interesting way of looking at it. I also notice that you and Sam have the same initials, which makes the whole vague gender thing even more curious. I’ll have to spend some more time looking through the rest of these before our next session.”