Hey Gwen,

When I read your post yesterday I felt very sorry for you. But I did not know how to reply without coming across as patronizing or with false pity. Because, when we are really down, our bullshit detector for hypocrites seems to be at peak performance. The today I realized that I could share my experience and what I learned going through a slightly similar experience or phase in my life.

For context and to better understand what I want to share, here are some cliff-note disclosures: I have a chronic depressive disorder, first mentioned when I was 11 years old. I discovered my neurodivergence in my early 30s, where ADHD finally explained so much of much of why I am the way I am (but sadly not all of it). Then in my early 40s I found PTSD, due to a very traumatic school life for almost 13 years. Now in my 50s I realize that it could very well be complex PTSD. Now in my 50s I am also discovering that my neurodivergence has another aspect to it located on the autism spectrum. Add to that a profound identity crisis that I have been struggling with since at least age 8.

Growing up and from a very young age I had a huge desire for knowledge and a commensurate curiosity. I could spend hours going through all kinds of encyclopedias and user manuals, even “pestering” any and all adults around me with questions of why and how. And I was also more than willing to share my knowledge and discoveries with others, willing or not. In short I craved the limelight, being front and center stage, and the constant affirmation and admiration to bolster my [very fragile] ego/psyche.

I would constantly jump into new “adventures” with a huge amount of enthusiasm, but with little to no planning. A very good example of leaping before looking. And I was constantly hurt by the fact that almost nobody would follow my lead. Instead I often found knives sticking in my back.

All through my teens my dad tried to teach me to curb and/or moderate my impulsiveness, and to follow the lead of others. But for a lack of awareness and understanding of neurodivergence I was unable to really grasp the nuances of tact, social interaction and team-work. It was only very late in my 20s and going into my 30s that some of those lessons started to germinate.

As my discovery and self-awareness of my neurodivergence grew, I realized that I am NOT a freak that needs to be despised, ostracized and exterminated from [polite] society. There was a very good and valid scientific explanation for how I tick. And I also realized that being front and center stage makes one the easiest target for rotten eggs and tomatoes, as well as some applause. But only very few get any admiration, that more often that not is very short-lived. Though the societal memory of any and all of your blunders often spans multiple decades.

And I also discovered and realized that the perks of leadership come with a huge amount of responsibilities and obligations.

Continuing with the show business analogy, I discovered during my 30s and into my 40s that I could gain a lot more personal and long lasting satisfaction by working behind the scenes instead of on-stage either in the chorus or as support cast, much less as the star of the show. The satisfaction of knowing I did a good job [to the best of my abilities] is something that encourages me even decades later. Unlike audience admiration that tends to turn into bitter[-sweet] nostalgia and resentment in rather short order.

Yes, I love to get an occasional pat on the back, a thank you or a hug for a job well done. But I can survive without them. Yes I have gone through periods where I was only surviving instead of thriving. I say surviving is still being alive, instead of dead.

Using another analogy from nature: I prefer to be an apple tree instead of a corn plant.
When you plant a corn seed, you can expect to harvest your corn ears within about three months. But after that first [and only] harvest the corn plant dies and gets chopped up and plowed under for the next crop. On the other hand, when you plant an apple seed you need several years of patience before you can harvest your first apple. But with proper care you can expect a harvest for many years, maybe even decades.
And besides the difference in fruit quantity you can harvest from a corn seed or an apple seed, you can easily uproot a full grown corn plant, but you will not be able to uproot a full grown apple tree without heavy machinery.

I know that this point of view is diametrically opposite to the currently prevalent social attitude of instant gratification.

Gwen, I hope that sharing my own experience can provide you with a different perspective that might enable you to see another side of your own life circumstances. With all the best wishes to you.

Jessica Nicole