Chapter VI

 
 
 

     It was all anticlimactic. No one wore the skirts the next day. Although, as far as I know, no one told them they didn't need to. Everyone was nice enough, even if they seemed a little distant somehow. All except for Miss Lynn, who I had for two hours of chemistry that morning. She smiled like anything when she said hello, which made me feel like a weight had been lifted off my chest.

At lunch, my tray had only contained about twice as much food as I could eat. Comic amounts of food actually. A couple of the guys thought that was so funny they donated their deserts - just in case I got hungry. All were lime Jell-O, so they really weren't worth much more than the humor they could garner. It was kind of funny, I suppose.

I gave up early, and headed to the library to get some work done before my afternoon lecture but no sooner had I logged into the computer than I got the flag that I had three current messages.

The first, from Miss Lindsay, the office admin, that I had an appointment with the doctor at one. The second, from Cross, was the same message.
The third was from my dad:

Dear Chris I have gotten several calls from your teachers and the school Administrator. I am so very sorry to hear how our news has affected you. Believe me, Chris, this fault is wholly mine. Not yours, and certainly not your mother's. I can't really talk right now, because I'm on a plane on my way back to see your mother tonight. I promise, I will call you as soon as I can. Also, I've told your Mrs. Pierce basically what you told me in your last note, that we appreciate Miss Lynn being there for you, and that we expect that they will continue to allow her to take you shopping or wherever she thinks best, if you both agree. I also told the Headmaster, that if you wanted to skip the dance this Saturday, that you had our permission to do so. They are not to require you to go, unless you want to Chris. I hope you do want to, but since I can't be there with you I will back you, whatever you decide. I expect to be in a place where I will be able to call you in a few hours, right after I see your mother. I know it's hard, given what we've done, but please try to remember your mother and I love you more than anything else, so please try to hang on just a little while longer. I Love you and your mother more than anything else. Dad.

.

I looked at the screen for several minutes. Mostly because I was really surprised I wasn't crying. After everything that had happened, I just felt a little numb.

I moved the cursor to the blank part of the screen, and with one finger began to peck keys:

G E E . T H A N K S D A D .

I looked at it for a few moments with my finger over the return key, but it really wasn't the note I wanted to send. Slowly my finger moved up to the backspace key, and began to tap a soulful jazz rhythm.

I sat there a while, because the clock had moved toward one before I knew it. When I looked back, the screen showed 'I KNOW.'

I looked at it only a few minutes more, before I typed 'I LOVE YOU TOO.' I hit send, and gathered my stuff while the PC logged off, then headed to the class to drop off the work that was due, before I went to see Doctor Cross.

Of Doctor Cross, all I can say is that he is a great listener, but he seems to have an aversion for admitting that the Earth actually revolves around the Sun. He'd informed me that it would take three or four more sessions, until he is comfortable that he knows me well enough to be able to answer some of the questions I’d asked - but he is a great listener. He scribbles notes very fast too.

I was thinking about one thing he said, though. He said that most of the people he worked with knew what they wanted, but were afraid of it for some reason. He said that sometimes it takes a little time to figure out exactly what you want, but it was usually what you knew you needed all along.

I was passing by the office, when I got an inspiration for the first time that day, on account of my having no classes in the afternoon late in the week. I stopped at the window to the office, and filled out a slip requesting permission to leave the campus to do some Christmas shopping. I listed that I wanted to go for only a couple of hours, and put down my cell phone number. Then I filled out the same thing for Saturday morning, listing the dance as the reason, and dropping them both in the slot and onto the top of the rather large pile of sheets that already lay inside the box on a shelf just inside the window.

 
 

 
 

     My eyes were wrong again. I wasn't even looking at my face as I washed it. Just my eyes.

I hadn't seen Miss Lynn since class but I was sure she would be running the tutorial with the dance only a few days away. I was so glad she was feeling better but wasn't sure I could go through with it.

“You're just being stupid,” I told my reflection. I hadn't even had a bad day but I just kept looking in the bathroom mirror like I might still find the answer there.

I really had a good day. I got to talk to Doctor Cross. He promised to answer my questions later, because he wanted to know more about me first, and I really understood his position. The problem was, I realized, that I didn't really care what Doctor Cross thought. I didn't even know him.

I did care what Miss Lynn thought because I could have ended her career, and sent her to work at the mall. Because of me, she might never have taught again, and that hurt me terribly. I'd never hurt anyone before, and after this, I sure wouldn't willingly take the chance of doing it again.

I cared what my dad thought, but he didn't seem to care as much about what I was thinking. He would call as soon as he could. He always did. Provided the meetings didn't run too long, and someone remembered to leave it on one of his bullet lists.

That wasn't fair, but it was just the way it was.

I could see the blue and white panties on the curtain rod in the mirror. I chose the white.

Tomorrow I'd have to get more, and some tights.

I didn't want to wear the black again, so I took the next skirt which was a very dark navy blue. Without another blouse, I had to dig to find something. I chose to wear a white turtleneck.

I had to shake my head at the idiot in the long mirror, when I recalled the conversation that I'd had with my father last summer, when he tried to explain to me that boys wore pink polo shirts. I'd thought it was a test at the time, so I'd refused, but the memory inspired me now and I dug in my drawers until I'd found a light cream colored sweater vest from my mother that I'd never worn and slipped that over the turtleneck.

I smiled a little, because that was much better. If I got too hot, I could always take the vest off, I thought, pulling the locket out of the turtleneck and laying it in the V of the vest.

The perfume and mascara were right where I'd left them, but this time I remembered to slip them in the little purse when I was done.

 
 

 
 

     I was very early, again, and the lights were off in the theater, so I went around flipping switches, moving curtains and generally getting things ready. I was even able to spend time to find a softer, much better fitting pair of shoes, too. Two minutes told me they were much better than those I'd worn before and, after so many dances lately, I was grateful.

“Chris?” I heard the door close as she called up from in the seating.

“Good evening, Miss Lynn. You're early too.” I said, moving to the front of the stage to wait for her, since everything was ready.

She strode purposefully down the aisle toward me. “I thought I should be. The boys are in a bit of a panic now. I didn't really expect you to be here. Are you Okay?” She asked moving steadily closer as she stared at me, which I think accounted for the funny tone in her voice when she asked how I was.

“I'm fine, ma'am. Please don't worry about me.”

Neither of us said anything, until she was up the stairs, but she spoke as soon as her foot touched the wood of the stage.

“Chris. What are you doing?”

“I'm doing what I was asked. I'm doing what I promised you I would.”

She took be by the hand and pulled me around the corner of the stage behind the curtain.

“Chris, we don't have much time. The guys will be her any minute because they're really getting a little freaked out about the dance. I… I don't think you understand how worried everyone from the Headmaster on down are.”

“He doesn't have to worry about me. I'm fine.”

“You are not fine; he does have to worry about you. I'm worried about you. He likes you, Chris. A lot. He just can't ever show it but, I promise you, that when he heard what you were going through he was as upset and angry as I've ever seen him. The administrator too. Mrs. Pierce likes all you boys, more than she lets on, but I really get the impression that she thinks of you like one of her own. You do know how much they really like you, right?”

I nodded and mumbled that I did.

“Well they want to help you, Chris, but they just don't really know how yet. They're not your parents and there are only certain things they can do. You have to get hold of yourself.”

“I know that, Miss Lynn. I wouldn't upset any of them, or you, for anything.”

“God damn it,” she hissed, “I'm not really talking about them Chris, and you know it. I've seen your test scores and you had better get this 'I'm just being lil ol' me' act out of your system damned fast. They can't tell you that you can't wear a skirt and makeup to practice, because they already told you that you could, and because at this point it would probably violate their own non-discrimination policy. Nevertheless, Chris, they are also very afraid to tell you that you can't. They are really worried that you might be close.”

“I'm sorry. Really I am. I do understand. I'm just not sure if you or anyone else does, Miss Lynn.”

She was really looking at me now, still worried, and a little confused even.

“I'm not doing anything to worry you or anyone, Miss Lynn. I'll only wear the clothes for the dancing. The clothes aren't what's important anyway. They make me feel good, really good, but not so much that I'd keep doing it if it were going to hurt anything. I'm not doing it to upset anyone and, if you want me to go and change, I will. It's just… it's not my fault how I look in them. It's not my fault what people see.”

She really did look surprised. I knew she really understood more than everyone except perhaps for Mrs. Pierce, but I also knew that she would understand soon. She wasn't the kind to give up on anything before she figured it out.

She breathed out a heavy drawn-out sigh. “I get it, Chris. Honestly, I do. You just need to be careful how far you push everything so quickly. If the head could have ordered you to change immediately he would have. Not that he doesn't understand or sympathize, because he does understand, Chris, one hell of a lot more than you give him credit for understanding. He's just very worried you're ready to crack. You should give them a break.”

“Did you get into a lot of trouble?”

She sighed again, and nodded her head this time. “Not for trying to help you, because that's what I should do. Even if I were not so fond of you, which was what the Headmaster was afraid the board members might think.”

I asked, a little dully, "Are they involved."

She shook her head. "No, thank God. The head just wanted to have the answers ready if they should find out."

She shook her head again, and her expression softened a lot more than I'd have thought it could. “Did you really tell them I was more like a big sister? I was only trying to get you to smile, and maybe to talk to me. I didn't mean to brainwash you.”

“I did.”

“Well, if my little brother had been as nice as you, I'd have never been mean to him at all.”

“How much trouble were you in?” I asked again, because I was still worried for the trouble I'd caused her.

“Well like I said, they couldn't be mad about my being nice to you, because it's my job, and they encourage us to do that wherever we see the need. Then again, when I went to them on Monday night and told them almost everything, because I was so worried about you too, they were not happy about anything I said. The clothes, well they were part of the dance program, and this school has a long history of boys wearing girls clothes for plays and such, so they could be disappointed, but they couldn't be mad about that either. The one part that truly pissed them off, was that I took you off campus dressed in girl’s clothes. I think that's why Doctor Pope and Mrs. Pierce wanted to have everything examined, in case any of the governors found out. He wanted to have the answers ready, so he could protect us both.”

I felt so bad. “I'm so sorry. I knew it was dumb at the time but I really wanted to go with you.”

“I did too. Moreover, Chris, if I had to do it all over again, I'd have tried a little brighter lipstick on you, because I just thought you looked adorable. Other than that, I'd do the same thing again. Seeing you happy for the first time was worth it.

"Still, they were really pissed, and if it were not for Mrs. Pierce sticking up for me, saying that I did the best I could in a bad situation. I might have lost my job. Even the appearance or suggestion of something askew in a place like this; you just don't do that.”

“I am sorry but, you should know, when we were laughing and joking and talking, it felt really good. The nicest anything's felt for a long long time.”

She smiled as she reached out to adjust the locket on the front of my shirt.

“I know, and it's even more than that, Chris. What I told the Headmaster was, that until I saw you laughing and smiling on Friday, I had never actually realized how depressed you've been. You are always nice and polite, you work so very hard, and you're so even tempered… how could I know that you were really so depressed for so long. I couldn't believe the change. No Chris, the one thing I'm very sure of is that you don't need to apologize. I'm glad we went.”

“Thank you, Miss Lynn. I was so scared for you. That means so much, and I'll never forget what you did for me, or the risk you took.”

“You are welcome, but I have to ask you to do one more thing for me. I need you to hold on and be a little more patient. Give them a little time to find out how to make you feel better. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with what you've done because I really can't bring myself to feel that there is. You're just young, and it's easy to forget that it's not always about you. I was lucky. I learned that lesson very early, from my family any time when I knew or understood something that they didn't. Sometimes I just had to go slower until they caught up. I really, really believe that you have to do that now too. Okay?”

I didn't answer at first, but I really didn't want to make her unhappy because I could never have stood to see the same kind of disappointment on her face that had been on the headmaster's.

“I'll be careful.” I promised. “I'll be tough.”

She looked at me a little worried for a few seconds but then she said, “Thank you, Chris.”

She looked like she wanted to talk some more, but the door banged loudly, and then it banged again. The guys were early. It's funny how an imminent crisis can make you want to do things that you never thought you would ever have the courage to do in your life.

I stood on the stage and sorted the CDs on the table while everyone gathered. Even though it was still twenty minutes early, when there were six of us there, Miss Lynn took pity and started us off.

“Okay!” She was smiling at their earnest looks. “So, who still feels like they are really worried?”

Even I smiled, since there were more hands in the air than there were people present.

“Okay, Okay. Put your hands down. I get the point. Looks like we'll have to go alphabetically. Ah, let me see… Jerry.”

“M-My name is L-Langley, Ma'am.”

“I said we'd go alphabetically, Mister Langley. I didn't say I wouldn't start in the middle.”

“Wa-why me ma'am? I passed in my labs.”

“I know… and we'll talk about that later. You look the most frightened.”

That got his classmates to show their sympathy and appreciation. Not.

Miss Lynn raised her voice just loudly enough to cut across the din. “The racks back there are full of tutus and bridesmaid dresses and all manner of things much funnier than you are being required to endure right now. Just keep it up.”

They were a much more serious bunch when she finished staring at each of them in turn..

“Now listen, I know you are all nervous but you don't have to be. I promise. If you'll just work with me a little, you will do just fine at the dance. I'll even go so far as to say that I am now quite sure that you will all have a nice time.”

She smiled to reassure them, and I think it worked.

“Jerry?” She held out her hands.

Well, her smile worked on everyone, except of course, Jerry. It was bad enough about the dance but he always stammered around Miss Lynn on a good day. I think she was the only one who didn't know that he didn't actually have a speech impediment.

I felt so bad for him, I was talking before I knew it. “Ma'am, may I? Jerry?” I said, as I walked over to stand right in front of him. “You're too nervous. This is easy, you just don't like dancing with the boys, do you?”

“Heck No.” he smiled a little, forgetting he was afraid of me too.

“Look at me. Now put your hand on my hip right here.” I said patting my hipbone before reaching down and taking his hand, and turning it in mine to the proper position “Come on. I don't have anything the doctors could find… a little closer… not that close, Jerry. Listen, I've never been on a date either but I'm pretty sure you are supposed to let the girl lean into you when she's ready. If you do that at the dance, they'll be creeped-out as bad as you are right now.”

He smiled as he relaxed. “Good, that's much better. You just relax now, Jerry. I've danced with you, and so has Miss Lynn. You really are a better dancer than I am but, man, you are working on being the first sophomore at Saint Andrew's to die of a heart attack unrelated to Professor Tam's Latin theses.”

I looked over at the guys, who were just staring expressionlessly at us. I asked, “Can someone hit play, please?”

“You ready?” I spoke more softly to him.

He nodded, and said. “You smell really nice, Chris.”

Some of the guys chortled at that one.

“Jerry, it won't do us any good if you make me nervous too. Pay attention now… but, that's something you can do that at the dance. It’s nice, so thank you.”

The first strains began to play, and I asked again. “All set?”

He nodded again, looking down to make sure his feet were not on my hem, just like we'd been taught.

“Good. Whenever you are ready.” I said, and I closed my eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing, Jerry. You're a good dancer. Don't worry, I'll follow wherever you lead me, just don't dance us off the stage. Would you rather I stare at you?”

“No!”

“Good, you're not exactly good looking anyway.” I told him.

“What?!”

“It's nothing to worry about.” I assured him. “There are plenty of very successful silly looking people.”

“Look who's talking.”

“Fine.”

“I just get nervous!” He claimed.

“No problem. Whenever you're ready, Jerry. Un-less you-just want-to hold-hands?” I said to the tempo of the music that had well begun, and then I just waited serenely.

On the next up beat, I felt Jerry push gently against my hip as he pulled slightly on my hand.

I only had my eyes closed for a few seconds but by then Jerry was fine. He was actually grinning at me for being such an idiot. So much so, that he forgot to be nervous at all.

I don't believe, judging by the look on her face, that Miss Lynn knew what to think but she was soon working with a boy of her own.

We drifted to a stop just as the music died. He was grinning as the other boys gave us a polite if enthusiastic golf clap.

“Thanks, Chris.” He mumbled.

I leaned a little closer and whispered. “With those moves, and that handsome face, Jerry, you are going to kill 'em. You might even avoid a virgin death.”

It was nice to see someone else blush for a change.

I looked around, and was worried that Miss Lynn was still watching me with a blank face, but I was sure she didn't want to say anything, so I turned to get another boy.

“Jacob.” I walked over and held out my hand to the tallest boy. My being one of the smallest, it was kind of funny, so everyone had two reasons to laugh, including the look in his face. “You have good rhythm, too. You just remember to take smaller steps, so that you don't squish anyone. There will be a lot of the little people on the dance floor. If you take your time, you'll be okay too”

Others were entering now, the confident ones like Tom, but I ignored them. I had to lift my arms up higher than normal, but I managed as I stood in position and looked over my shoulder at Miss Lynn.

She glanced at me and then nodded at the boy with the remote.

They really didn't need to worry. They all did much better than they had a week ago and the dances just seemed to follow one after the other as soon as we could change partners, sometimes in mid waltz.

Tom then asked me for the next dance, instead of waiting, which cause me to smile and blush while calling him a jerk.

We were ending the fifth dance when someone in the audience area began to applaud.

Mrs. Pierce stood up from where she had been sitting by the aisle, the fourth row back. “That was… impressive.” She said while looking at me.

I had no idea how long she'd been there and I wanted to look at the floor.

She didn't give me the chance. “Miss Lynn, I'm sorry to leave you short-handed, but I need to have a word with, Chris.”

“Of course.” Miss Lynn replied.

I could not help but stare straight back at Mrs. Pierce, watching me as I had to lift my skirt to walk down the stairs.

“My office, Chris.” she said softly, before raising her voice. “I'm sorry boys, but you should know that you are all doing very well indeed. I am very impressed. Miss Lynn.”

She caught up to me where I was waiting just outside the door, in the hall.

“Chris, don't look so worried.” She said, patting my shoulder but not smiling at all.

“I'm sorry, ma'am. I don't think Miss Lynn was very happy with me either.”

“What? Why?” Mrs. Pierce stopped, causing me to, also.

I just lifted my skirt a few inches and let it drop.

“Oh. I see.” She shook her head. “Chris, is that why you think I came to get you? Because of how you were dressed?”

I could only nod, hoping that my eyes weren't as big as they felt as I looked up at her. I swear I could feel them drying out before she shook her head.

“No, Chris. We need to call your father back. He called about thirty minutes ago, which gives us only about ten more to place the call to him.”

“He said he would but I guess he couldn't reach me.” I said, feeling only slightly better.

“Not at all, Chris. He called me before he tried you.”

“Is anything wrong, ma'am?”

She smiled a little for the first time but it wasn't any of the smiles I was used to. She just looked worried, but she quickly gave me her usual straightforward answer just the same.

“Yes there is, Chris. The same old thing, but I'm doing everything I can to get it straightened out as quickly as I can.”

“Did I do something wrong, ma'am?”

“Well it's good to see you still worry about that just a little… but no, Chris. You haven't. This has nothing to do with you really, except for the fact that when parents make any kind of mistake, it's always the younger folks in the family who take the brunt of it. When Doctor Pope or I make a mistake, it's always some of you who get the brunt, I'm sorry to say. You can't expect it to be any different at your home.”

“I think this is my home.” I said, not sounding nearly as sad as I'd intended, because I was too worried.

“That's what I'm trying to fix. Now come on, we have to get a move on.”

“Yes, ma'am.” I said immediately but I had to hurry to keep up.

“That was very impressive with Jerry.” She surprised me.

“You saw that, ma'am?”

“I see most things that matter, Chris, and that was one of the nicest.”

“He's just shy, ma'am, but he's really about the nicest boy here.”

“I see that too. He's also frightened to death of one very beautiful chemistry professor I can name.”

I'm sure my eyes grew wide again.

“That one was easy, Chris. I wish they all were.”

“She hates being called 'Professor'.” I said softly.

“I did too, when I was younger. It grows on you, however. Just about the time you figure out the way things work around here, and that it's the headmaster who's going to have to get the phone call about Jerry Casanova Langley from Saint Mary's, because you've just created a monster, that you start to look back pretty fondly at being called 'Professor' Pierce. Even if you take into account the nicknames. Now hurry. I spent way too much time watching you.”

 
 

 
 

     It made me feel a little weird when Mrs. Pierce took the seat beside me, and reached for the phone, but the second she did, I knew I wanted her to stay.

The woman on the other end of the phone spoke, French, which I understood pretty well because of Mom. Mrs. Pierce sounded like the French Ambassador to the United Nations.

'Apology. It's too late to place a call to a patient room. So very sorry, nothing I can do.'

Mrs. Pierce informed her it was to the doctor's office, not a room.

'Can't place the call this late, but can take message.'

Mrs. Pierce told her, very very nicely, that the international call was expected by her hospital director, and, if she didn't put us through immediately, the only thing she'd be taking was a place in the ranks of the unemployed. I'm pretty sure.

A phone was ringing about a second later and a man answered only a couple of seconds after that by saying "Hello", also in French.

To me, she said. “Chris, this is Doctor Rudolph Merz, the director of the hospital, at your mother's clinic outside of Biel. Doctor Merz, it’s Mrs. Pierce, from the Saint Andrew's school.”

Doctor Merz responded in English, but he had a heavy German accent, which didn't seem to bother Mrs. Pierce any more than it did me.

“Thank you for calling back so quickly, Mrs. Pierce. It's quite late here, but we thought it best not to wait. Is Chris there?”

Mrs. Pierce told them I was.

“Chris?” My father spoke.

“Dad?”

“Yes, I'm here. I'm sorry to do this to you, Chris. If I could have gotten on a plane out tonight, I would have, but it's snowing like crazy. Bern, Zurich, Basel. Everything in range is shut down and, with the trains delayed, anything that can still fly is just too far in topography like this.”

“I understand.” I said, having to swallow between each word to get it out. “What's going on, Dad? Is mom…”

Mrs. Pierce looked calm when she broke in forcing me to look at her as she whispered. “She's not hurt, Chris. It's a clinic, not a hospital.”

“Dad?” I said, trying to keep my voice under control, but it was no use. The pitch was already too high.

The line went dead silent for several seconds, and then there was a little pop followed my father's voice talking quickly. “… the hell you will. I've listened to everyone for two years about what was best and I've gone along with whatever you said. I have a son in trouble now and he deserves to hear it from me or his mother…”

There was a pause in which you could actually hear my dad staring at the doctor. “Chris?”

“I'm still here, Dad.”

“Chris, listen to me. Like I said, this is something that I wanted to tell you in person but I just can't make it tonight. It's not a really bad thing, so I don't want you to get upset, but I still don't want you to have to wait any more. This whole thing was stupid from the jump, so I'm going to tell you now over the phone and I want you to just listen carefully to what I have to say.”

“Okay.” I said, just as frightened as when I thought Mom had been hurt.

“Chris, do you remember that last summer, about three years ago when Mom and I went down to New York to visit my friend, and to take in a couple of plays?”

“Yes sir. You came home the next day.”

“That's exactly right, Chris. That was the time that we were walking to the cars and we were about to get mugged by some kids on the street, when the cop car just showed up.”

“I remember, Dad. Mom was really upset, and you guys came home early. You guys already told me about this. Is Mom there with you, Dad?”

“Not yet, Chris, she's coming. I wanted to talk to you first. But that is right, that's the night I was talking about. I'm sorry to say that that was not the first time that something like that happened to your mother.”

“Sir?” I wanted to ask more, but that was all I got out.

“You remember that your mother spent most of her teenage years in schools, like you…”

I grunted, and started to confirm that I knew all of this, but dad ignored me.

“So, even though she had been all over the world, most of the time she really led a very sheltered existence.”

I suddenly felt my eyes filling up and I didn't even know why.

“About a year before I met her, your mother was walking back to her apartment one evening when she was attacked by a group of punk kids.”

“Oh no,” I whispered. Barely a whisper.

Mrs. Pierce had her hand on my shoulder, only this time she was rubbing it, but I hardly even noticed.

“Well they... they hurt her, Chris. She spent almost a month in the hospital, just because of the damage they did, and although they caught the little bastards, they didn't do near enough to them for what they did to your mother. Ever since then, she's always been uncomfortable around young men she doesn't know.”

“Dad…” It just came out.

“So you see, Chris, when that thing happened in New York, she just ...”

I started to cry now. It felt like my insides were being ripped out and I could hardly breathe at all.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“She didn't want anyone to know, Chris. Especially you. You were too young and no woman would want it to be common knowledge. She started getting worse and by that September...” He paused.

I started to sob freely now. I knew. I finally understood.

Dad was talking fast and most earnestly now. “Chris It wasn't your fault, you didn't do anything…”

“The pool?… Dad? Did I hurt her?” I couldn't see or get anything else out because of the sobs.

“Chris? Chris….” He kept trying but I couldn't hear him until he said very loudly, “With all due respect, shut up… Yeah, I know it's your God damned phone, but I paid for all the things. Chris?”

I made a noise that was more a noise a wounded animal would make than a word. I'd hurt her, and she…

“Chris, Please listen…”

I moaned, not hearing him at all, “Please God, no Dad. I'm so sorry. I…”

“You didn't hurt your mother Chris. It wasn't anything you did. She loves you, and she knows how much you love her. She knows” Dad's voice sounded like he was crying too. “This is why she didn't want you to know, Chris," he finished helplessly.

He took several seconds before he continued.

“She was just frightened. That was the problem, Chris. She knew you'd never hurt her, and she loves you twice as much as anyone else, even me. She just couldn't control it. She panicked, and when she swung at you, and she couldn't stop herself, it scared her so bad she cried for days.

"As you grew older… you got bigger. Chris, she didn't even want you to know, because she knew how badly it would hurt you. She begged and begged me, she made me promise never ever to let you know, because it wasn't you. She wasn't really afraid of you, or of anything else as much as she was afraid of hurting you. That's what you need to remember.”

“She's afraid of me now!” I whined, even though I'd tried to ask more clearly.

Mrs. Pierce pulled me to lean against her as I closed my eyes so that I wouldn't have to stare at the phone any more.

“Not you Chris.” Mrs. Pierce whispered to me.

Dad started talking again. “That's right. It never was you, Chris. It was those others, who if there is any justice, will rot in hell forever. As you grew older, your mother just felt more nervous. She didn't even tell me about that for over a year.”

He sounded so bad

“Chris?” My dad asked. “Chris?”

Mrs. Pierce answered for me. “He hears you, Mr. Morgan.” Her voice had lost its softness, and only sounded angry. “We may have to cut this short.”

I found my voice then, crying just as hard. “No! I need to speak to my mother,” I told her. Then to the phone. “Where's mom, Dad? I need to talk to her. Please!”

“I know, Chris. She's right outside the door, but Chris, I need you to calm down before I can bring her in. She's already feeling so bad, and so guilty… about what I've done to you… You have to be strong Chris. For Mom.”

“What?” I heard my stomach knot up, even as I heard myself ask in a flat tone. “Be strong?”

“Chris…” Mrs. Pierce said, trying to get my attention, but it was only about three years too late.

I shouted at the phone. “What for?! Is that really your whole fucking plan, Dad! No matter what, I'm just supposed to be…”

Mrs. Pierce pulled my arm, and made me look at her. She wasn't even mad. There were tears in her eyes too, which silenced me, as she was shaking her head to tell me not to. My head was on her shoulder before I knew it.

It was several minutes, and a bottle of water, before I could even begin to compose myself..

“Chris?” It was my mother.

She didn't sound anything like her other calls. The deadpan, pleasant little responses were gone. She was crying too.

“Mom? Are you Okay?” Another sob escaped me, and kept me from saying how much I missed her.

“No Chris. I wouldn't let them give me any medicine tonight so I could talk to you. I've been so worried about you. I miss you so much and when your father told me about how bad you've been feeling. I can't sleep, or eat…”

“Mom.” I gasped when I'd taken in enough air. “I'm so sorry, you don't have to be afraid of me, I'm not like…”

“Chris?” She had to call my name again and again to get me to stop apologizing and to pay attention. “I'm the one who's sorry. I know….”

She just stopped then. We both did.

My dad spoke into the phone to me. “Chris, I don't know if we can ever make this up to you. I don't think we ever can, but I promise you we will all try.”

My mother spoke then, more clearly than she had before, but obviously not to me. “I want you to go get my son!”

“I wil --” The line went dead with another little pop. My mouth was hanging open as I stared at the phone in horror. It was several seconds before I heard the second pop, and my mother say: “… and what's more, doctor, you're fired. Don't you ever cut off a call to my son again. Chris? Chris, honey?”

She sounded so much like her old self, I couldn't help myself. “Mom? Is that really you?”

“Oh God, Chris, yes. It's Mummy. I needed to tell you, I'm so sorry.”

“Mom, please don't. I understand.”

“NO! You don't, Chris, just listen to me. The things at school. Because I was so scared. It's my fault. If I'd encouraged you more to be like other boys… I'm the one who wanted you to like music and art, and to just be nicer. It's my fault. You were always so smart and so sweet, and I was so proud of you.”

“Mom?”

It took several seconds for what she was saying to sink in, and she was finished talking before it did.

“Mom?” I tried to get her to talk to me again.

“Yes Chris?” She sounded so tired, and so sad.

“That's not your fault.”

“Chris, I'm sorry, but I didn't realize what I was --”

“Mom, That's not your fault. Here at school. It has nothing to do with you.”

It sounded like she wasn't crying any more. “I'm Sorry, Chris. I really am. About everything, and we will talk about it when I see you. Please don't cry any more sweetheart. I've cried enough for all of us. I love you so much, and I'm so sorry you've been so alone.”

“I'm not alone, Mom. Mrs. Pierce, she looks after us. Doctor Pope is a lot like you said your grandfather was, he's funny, and he's always nice, even though he tries so hard not to show it. Miss Lynn…” I choked up.

“I know they are wonderful people, but I miss you too much to care about them now, Chris. Now I really have to go. It's so late here, and I have such a terrible headache. I will see you soon, so please don't cry any more. Everything will be better soon. Your father and I promise.”

“Okay.” I promised, sure that I'd cry the rest of the night.

“Mom?”

“Yes Chris?”

“Is it nice where you are?” I asked, choking up again, because this suddenly hurt worse than anything else. I just suddenly hated to think of her locked up in some awful castle looking place. “Are you happy there?”

“It's very pretty, Chris. My apartment looks over an Arm der Schá¼ss. It's part of the Suze River. It's more like a canal than like the rivers back home, but it's very pretty in the winter. I can see a little of Lake Biel from the top floor, and your father and I go there to walk sometimes. It's all very pretty, but I can never be happy until I can see you. Now, I want you to try and get some rest. Good night Chris. I love you so much.”

“I Love you too mom.” I tried to keep her from knowing I was still weeping, almost uncontrollably, but it was hard. “Dad?”

“Right here Chris.”

“I'm sorry, Dad. I love you too.”

“Me too, Son. It wasn't much of a plan. I'll see you soon.”

“Okay. Night.” I said, short of breath.

German accent broke in “Before you promise something so foolish, you should consider…”

"What are you talking about?" My father snapped at him, but Mrs. Pierce interrupted them both rather forcefully.

“Doctor Merz?”

Sounding even more German than before, he answered. “Yes Mrs. Pierce?”

“Two quick things Doctor. The first is that Chris, an extraordinarily polite and gifted child, is still listening. The second is that although I'm sure you've achieved many impressive degrees and certificates from all the best schools from Stockholm to Barcelona, in my broad experience of people, I just have to say you are quite possibly the biggest ass I've ever encountered and I've had the misfortune to have encountered a rather large and distinguished cross section from that particular list.”

There was a strangling sound for several seconds “I beg your…?” He gurgled.

Mrs. Pierce, responded even more quickly. “Oh! I'm sorry. Let me help you understand in some languages you are perhaps more comfortable with. Un á¢ne. Ein Esel. I'm sure I could give you a rough translation in Russian and Japanese as well if those would be helpful doctor, but here in America we just call people like you, an Ass.”

“Ube--”

She hit the button cutting the call, before she looked at me. “I'm pretty sure, that if he had anything worthwhile to say, it would have taken him less than two years to get around to it.”

She was still looking at me, as she handed me another tissue, and took one for herself. All I could do was to look back, too emotionally wrung out to be in shock.

“I'd love to sick Miss Lynn, and her judo on that guy. Don't you dare repeat that, Chris.”

“No, ma'am.”

“Are you Okay?”

“Yes ma'am. I just can't believe they didn't tell me.”

She nodded and looked at her hands for several moments.

“That's the problem with all lies, Chris. Even if they start for the best of reasons, they tend to grow and take on a life of their own. I've done it myself. Very seldom, but I have. I've regretted it every time because, in the end, it always caused more problems than it would have caused to have just told the truth.”

She looked at me again, for several more moments. “You will too, in your time. Even though you now know, much better than most, the damage it can cause. It's what it is to be human. Right now, it's just your parent’s turn. I'm sure two years ago, this was only supposed to be a matter of a few weeks, or a month at most.”

I nodded.

“Are you hungry, Chris? Do you want me to wake up the kitchen staff?”

“No ma'am.” I smiled weakly. “They have to get up early. If you don't mind, ma'am, I'm feeling very tired. I'd just like to go to bed.”

“I'm headed that way, myself. I'll walk you.”

She didn't say anything more as we walked toward my wing and, with her hand on my arm, up the stairs. There were one or two kids in the hall, and even more in the library, but most just steered clear while watching me through the corners of their eyes. Only one brave one, even said hello.

In my room, I sat on the bed, and was looking at my feet when Mrs. Pierce bent down to pull off my shoes, and when I lay down to put my head on the pillow, she laid a quilt my mother had sent over me.

I watched her for a little while, looking around my room. She hung up the shirt on the doorknob, and then the skirts on the door. In the bathroom, she seemed to be looking at the clothing drying on the rod, and going through the makeup and things, She tidied up in there as well, before she came back out and sat to log into my computer.

 
 

 
 

     “ ... No John, She's just very tired. She practically passed out.”

“She?” He asked.

“Well you heard what Doctor Cross said just as well as I did, but however you think is best. I'm sure he'll be fine then. Poor kid may be as tough as any adult but he has just had the stuffing knocked out of him.”

Mrs. Pierce was sitting in my chair, with a book in her lap. A man in blue jeans and a tweed jacket…, oh God, Doctor Pope!

“Headmaster.” I tried to get up, but he wouldn't let me.

That's when I realized the nurse was standing in the door, packing up her stuff in a small bag.

He spoke softly but cheerfully. “I'm sorry Chris. I didn't mean to wake you.”

“Sir, I…”

“Don't worry, Chris. It's a social call. I just wanted to check on you. How are you feeling?”

“I'm fine, sir. My mother was in a mental hospital.”

He sighed and nodded his head.

As promised, he just took a breath, and started in. “We had a letter almost two years ago, from the doctor in charge, saying that it might do irreparable harm to you and your mother if we interfered. Your father told me that he felt he had no choice but to follow the advice. That's where Mrs. Pierce went that second Christmas, to see your family. I argued with him about it too, several times. Damned silly business, if anyone asked me, but our hands were tied. Practically had to sit on Mildred to keep her from strangling people, especially that next time your father visited. With that letter in hand, however, our options were nil. We didn't know what we could do, and Doctor…” He looked at Mrs. Pierce, and frowned.

“Did you really call him an ass?”

“In three languages. I wanted to be sure he understood.”

He chuckled at her, but looked back down at me. “Anyway, if it had just been your father's wishes, we'd have told you, and given him our lawyer's second cousin's wrong number. With that letter from the doctor, though, we had no way at all of knowing if it would actually do the very real harm he said it would. He is, after all, one of the best known and best respected Psychiatric Asses in Europe. Believe me, that was one of the first things I checked. I'm so very sorry, Chris.” The man looked like he wanted to cry too.

I tried to get up again, feeling much more discomfort just then at having the headmaster leaning over my bed, than I felt over some silly doctor, who Mrs. Pierce had already told off in style anyway.

“No, no Chris. You just relax. Big day for anyone. On top of everything else, you deserve to rest a bit at least. I just wanted to check on you... you know, to keep Mrs. Pope happy, and on the off chance that you were awake, to tell you how very sorry I am for my part in all of this.”

Mrs. Pierce said. “I'm sorry too.”

He looked at her very differently then. “No you're not. This was me.”

I didn't try to get up because he was rubbing my arm through the sleeve of the turtleneck. My vest had disappeared.

“Don't worry, Headmaster. I'm sorry I said I was mad at you. I'm not mad any more. Even when I said that, I never believed you did anything. It was that doctor,” I still felt I had to be honest with him, and I very much wanted to, “ ... and my parents. My dad especially for believing his…”

I couldn't say it. Not in front of the headmaster, and not in front of Mrs. Pierce, especially after what they had both already done for me.

“Very mature, Chris, and I understand your meaning. I'd have let it slide just this once, though, because what you think it was, is what I think it was. Mrs. Pierce wasn't quite so nice. Are you going to be Okay?”

“Yes sir. I don't need a suicide watch or anything. It's not like that. It's just the thought of my poor mother…” That hurtful image of her being locked someplace horrible stopped me, but I believed that Dad would never let that happen.

He nodded, and looked at the floor for a second before looking back at me.

“If you want, I'd be happy to take you to the hospital, and have them check you out. Not because I think you are a candidate for a suicide watch, Chris, but because we care about you. No one should have to deal with this. Especially not someone your age. If there is any way I can help, I will.”

“I know, sir. I'm fine now. My dad will come soon, and we'll talk then. Thank you for that.”

He nodded, and I looked up at Mrs. Pierce.

“And thank you too, ma'am.”

“My pleasure, Chris. I'm not sure if your father will be in shape to fly back, when I've…”

The headmaster looked at her, and she just stopped to look at the backs of her fingers.

“You get some sleep.” He said. “I've excused you from your classes for today and tomorrow. You got another 4.0 on your surprise Latin quiz today, by the way. Congratulations.”

I looked at the clock. It was after twelve. I couldn't help it. I grinned.

“There you are. If you still feel up to going out tomorrow, I'd like you to take someone with you. Otherwise, and unless you are one-hundred, and I do mean one-hundred percent, I'd like you to stay here.”

“I'm really fine, sir. I'm going to get to see my mother and father after all. I'm much better than fine.”

He looked at Mrs. Pierce.

Mrs. Pierce just held up the book a little. “I'll be here for a little while longer. I never realized that neutrinos morph between two forms as they travel from the sun to the earth. Fascinating.”

“Don't stay up all night, Mildred. I need you tomorrow, to get the reception hall opened up and that circus organized. More damned silly business.”

She nodded. “I just think he needs… someone right now.”

The Head patted her hand, and we both watched him go. After that, Mrs. Pierce smiled at me before picking up the book…

 
 

 
 

My very special thanks to Geoff for his invaluable time and advice.

 
 
 
By

Sarah Lynn Morgan

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