Chapter V

 
 
 

     “Doctor Pope?” The admin said, pressing the intercom button on her phone.

“Yes, Miss Lindsay?”

“Miss, I mean, err… Sorry sir. Mister Morgan is here.”

The door to the head master's office opened less than a second later, and before any other sound came from the phone on Miss Lindsay's desk. Mrs. Pierce popped her head out of the headmaster's door.

“Chris. Thank you for coming so quickly. Would you come in, please.”

I left my things on the admin's desk, at her kind direction, and taking only the small purse, I crossed my hands in front of me and walked through the door.

The headmaster was digging in a file, so he had his back turned, as I entered.

“Headmaster?” I asked quietly as soon as I reached a spot three feet in front of his desk.

Miss Lynn was rising from a chair at the small conference table in the corner of the heads office, which was as large and as lavishly appointed as you would expect of one of New England's oldest and most prestigious preparatory schools.

I was a little comforted by the fact that she seemed to be mostly staring at me for the way that I was dressed, but her eyes had that flat dullness that couldn't make me feel anything but sick.

“Ah, Mr. Morgan. Thank you for coming so quickly, I…”

It looked like everyone was going to do that very thing today, I thought.

“Excuse me, Mr. Morgan. I was of course told how enthusiastically you've thrown yourself into Mrs. Pierce's dance preparations, but seeing it is yet another thing entirely. You've outdone yourself.”

“I'm sorry, Headmaster. I didn't mean to startle anyone.”

The carpet suddenly felt much deeper and much spongier to me than it had as I'd walked in.

“It would seem that after having done the same to several members of my staff, you at least, would be used to it. However, I can see that you look at least as startled as everyone else. Relax Chris. Have a seat. Miss Lynn, if you'd excuse us?”

“She can stay, Sir.” I wanted her there.

“No she can't, Chris.” Mrs. Pierce said, as Miss Lynn closed the door on her way out.

He grimaced, somewhat sympathetically, toward me as I walked to one of the red leather chairs in front of his desk, and gingerly gathered my skirt again before sliding the minimal area of my rear onto the edge of the seat. None of these people had ever called me 'Chris' so much, in the entire time I'd been here and every time they did so now made it feel like my knees might give way. I felt as if I were a patient whose doctor suddenly became far too kind and considerate.

“Well! As I was about to say, I've called you here because…”

At that moment, Doctor Cross chose to enter. He was a younger dark-haired man who I'd only met briefly before.

“Sorry, Headmaster.” he said, much as I had, as soon as he entered. “I came as soon as I got your message.” He greeted each of us in turn with at least a brief murmur or nod as well.

“Well,” the Head began again, I hoped for the last time, “there are several reasons why I called you in today, Chris, but first I have to ask a question that might seem a bit personal, and for that I apologize in advance.”

I nodded to let him know I was ready, which of course I wasn't.

“Miss Lynn has told us that you were notified by your parents this past Friday that you'll be spending Christmas here with us again?”

It was like a sucker punch to the stomach! On Friday afternoon I'd have been expecting it, but now, I'd never seen it coming and all I could do was exercise my jaw helplessly.

'Jesus', I thought, and for the first time it was a only a prayer. Please don't cry. I'll cry tonight in my room but please just don't cry now.

Dr. Pope didn't see the need to wait for me.

“It's alright. I can see the answer in your face, Chris, and must tell you how very sorry I am to hear of it. I'd like to ask if you are all right but you've answered that question quite plainly as well.

"We all understand that these things sometimes happen, and it is one of the services this school provides to its patrons, to create as much of a homelike atmosphere as we possibly can for the young men entrusted to our care. More than that, though, I wanted you to know that you are always welcome here.

"On the other hand, given that this is the… third?” he looked in Mrs. Pierce's direction for a moment, “year in a row, I hope you'll understand that I fully intend to take this up with your parents as soon as that can be arranged. Our obligations to you are simply greater than our obligations to your parents.”

I was able to nod my head this time. I did understand and, as bad as it made me feel, and, as much as I wanted to ask him to please leave it to my family, the look on his face said rather bluntly that it was already out of my hands.

I shifted the small purse off of my shoulder and held it to give them something else to do. I could only look at him.

“So you spent your first Christmas at Saint Andrew's with Mrs. Pierce and last year with Mrs. Laurie?” He made a quizzical face in her direction for a moment before looking at me again.

“Yes sir.” I had to clear my throat. “That first year Mrs. Pierce was kind enough to invite me to her home, and last year, because Mrs. Pierce was traveling, Mrs. Laurie invited me to have dinner with her family. Both their families were very, very kind to me sir.”

He smiled or grimaced under his white mustache. I could not quite tell.

“Well, Chris, unless things change of course, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you to dine with Mrs. Pope and me this Christmas. It will be just us and my eldest daughter but we would certainly love to have you. In fact, I was just noting in the summary of your record that you have never had a single disciplinary note added to your file, minor or otherwise, and that you have maintained a near four oh average in some fairly advanced course work for your age.”

“I ha… thank you, Headmaster.”

“Don't thank me, Chris. It's your record, and it has been our pleasure to have you here with us and we are very proud of the work you've done. Your instructors expect the greatest of things from you in the future and I for one would very much welcome the pleasure of getting to know you better than I have been able to these past two years. I could of course have suggested that you get into trouble a little more often instead, but I doubt if Mrs. Pierce would leave me with two good legs if I did.”

Mrs. Pierce was all smiles for some reason and speaking while she walked over to a notebook computer that lay open and flashing on top of a tall filing cabinet, where she began tapping various keys. “It is good that it has only taken you ten years to become aware of the limits of my personal patience, Headmaster.”

He never really lessened his regard of me to look at her as he replied. “I am indeed, as I'm sure my wife will also attest, who is by the way, very pleased by the prospect of our little invitation, and who is also looking forward to your visit most eagerly.”

“Thank you, Headmaster. It would be my very great pleasure to come.”

“Good.” He smiled again, before leaning back in his chair.

“I am very curious about one thing, though. Did your parents ever tell you why they were so seldom available?”

Please god. Don't let me cry.

“No sir, not really. Both notes said that they were busy and couldn't get away just now but there were no details. They did say that, although it was most unlikely that they would be able to make it, they promised to try.”

He looked as displeased as ever I'd seen him. It was how I'd always imagined he would look when dealing with a major infraction of the honor code.

He shook his head, and reached to look at something in the file, before he put it down again to stare at me. It caused me to look uncomfortably away, only to see from the corners of my eyes that all of the adults had the same expression.

“So you heard from your mother as well?”

“Yes sir. She writes to me every month, sir.”

“Well…” He folded the file closed. “I'm impressed that you neither try to make excuses for them, nor try to convince us you are abused. All I can say is, that if my lawyers had not constantly assured me over the years that leaving students here with us does not constitute child abuse, I'd file a complaint against them myself for reckless abandonment.”

I knew he meant it well by the small smile he gave me but I was only really convinced that he did not like the color of his office carpet. I felt like I might have changed it for him right then and there, but he asked me another question that took me totally by surprise.

“Chris, I'm sorry, but I have to ask. You mean to tell me that you really don't know why your mother has not come to see you? You don't need to be shy about it with us. There are some people in this room who are very fond of you, you know.”

Shit. He handed me a tissue.

“No, sir.” I had to dab my eyes carefully at the corners, but at least they cleared again. “Can you tell me anything, sir? You've obviously been told more than I have.” My voice sounded hollow, and far away, and very much younger than I thought I was.

It was his turn to look down now. No one else was looking at me either when I instinctively glanced around.

“No, Chris, I truly can't, right now. I can only promise that I will do everything in my power…”

I tried to stand up but my legs felt too shaky.

Mrs. Pierce was on me before I could turn to look at her hand on my shoulder. “Excuse me, Headmaster. Chris, have you eaten today? I just got a note from the ladies in the dining room informing me that you have been scarce around there the last few days.”

I really had no idea what to expect next. “Ye… Yes, Ma'am. Mrs. Kluge made me eat…”

Mrs. Pierce finished it for me. “Three bites of a bagel, and half an egg?”

I nodded, and so did she. When I turned back to the Headmaster he seemed to nod at Mrs. Pierce, before looking at me, which almost made me forget what I'd been about to jump up and ask.

“Sir? Do you really know why this has been happening and all the while no one's telling me?”

He just looked at me again for a long moment. “No. I really don't know the half of it, but Chris, I promise you by the time we sit down to Mrs. Pope's famous Christmas turkey, you and I both will. I can give you my word on that. Mrs. Pierce has put in two calls to your father since Miss Lynn informed us of the situation and I am sure she will put in one more the moment you leave here.”

I knew that whatever the reasons for all of this, that it certainly wasn't his fault but I couldn't even nod. They knew something that they wouldn't tell me. Everyone in this room had always been so very nice to me, even the psychologist to whom I'd only spoken once before. I really didn't understand any of this.

From behind me came “Headmaster?” Doctor Cross spoke in the lull. “May I ask a question?”

“Of course, that's why I asked you to be here even before you insisted..”

“Chris, did you go to Miss Lynn about this?”

Sure. I brought my teddy bear along with me too. I didn't bother sliding around so that he could see me, I didn't want to look at him, and so I just bowed my head.

“No sir. Miss Lynn was walking down the hallway and ran into me just after I got my mother's letter. Miss Lynn took me to her office so that I could wash my face and then walked with me to dinner to be sure I didn't just go back to my room. She was very kind.”

He still wasn't satisfied obviously.

“Chris, if Miss Lynn had not run into you just then, would you have sought her out and confided in her?”

I was really beginning to dislike them all.

“No. I wouldn't have told anyone. I'd have had to tell Mrs. Pierce this week that I would be here over the holiday break but I wouldn't have done that ‘til I had to.”

“Why?”

I turned around then. I suppose I could honestly tell him it was none of his goddamned business but I couldn't do that. I don't know why, but suddenly, all of the anger that I had been feeling for them just suddenly receded into a strange calm when I realized how dense they were.

I was stuck here. I had nowhere else to go. I took a deep breath.

“Because you can't do anything about it, Doctor Cross. Because it’s embarrassing and I didn't want anyone to know.”

He looked like he was going to say something else but I turned around before he could. I couldn't believe I'd e-mailed him on Sunday.

The headmaster held up his hand in Doctor Cross' direction, and there were no more questions.

“Chris, there is another matter I have to clear up and, although I'm still hopeful that it will be far less painful for all concerned, I'm afraid that it is potentially more serious for us than Christmas. I need your help in clearing it up as quickly as possible.”

I found myself looking him dead in the eyes just then. “My help, sir?” It came out while his features took on that same fuzziness I was constantly dealing with of late.

The headmaster just looked at me for a few moments, and even though I could have sworn I heard Mrs. Pierce grunt, I could only stare at him.

“Point taken,” he said, “but I still need your help.”

I had to lean back in the chair now, already sorry for being rude to him. “You'll have it, sir.”

“I believe I will.” He shook his head a little but he continued “There is a matter that has come to my attention, of which I need to hear your side. That’s why I asked Miss Lynn to step outside whilst we talk…”

I may be only sixteen but I'm not actually dumb. I suppose that it's not something a person can be unaware of. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take, so I just wanted to finish it. I tried to sit up a little straighter, just as Mrs. Pierce reached over my shoulder with a cup of water.

“Thank you, Ma'am.” I said sipping, as grateful for the water as I'd been for anything in my life.

“You’re welcome, Chris.” She said patting my shoulder.

“Sir. I know what's going on. I know a little of how things work, and how things get blown out of proportion. I'm not unaware that you probably think that Miss Lynn or I might have committed ... an error in judgement. I'm very sorry if you've been given that worry.

I can tell you that she's only ever been nice to me. I didn't like the look in her eyes or the fact that you need Doctor Cross here. Besides, this whole thing feels very scary, and I believe the easiest way to fix whatever is bothering everyone is to tell you what you need to know.

I also think, that even though I am trying very hard to believe you must have some valid ethical reason for not being able to tell me what's going on with my mother and father, I have no such dilemma, sir. I just can't think of any reason why I can't answer any question you might feel the need to ask.”

I deliberately turned away from the headmaster's profoundly thoughtful face to look at the other two.

“Very well then. Would you like to tell me what happened here this past Friday night, Chris?”

“No sir.”

I thought he was going to fall out of his chair. His mouth tightened and his eyes darted around the room as if to be sure that everyone else had heard it too.

At least he did until Mrs. Pierce chuckled behind me.

“I beg your pardon, Mister Morgan?”

The anger in me was not gone, but it was ... redirected.

“You have it, sir. Please ask me any question you like, and I will answer any that you put to me as honestly and as completely as I possibly can.”

Now he really couldn't believe I said that, but Mrs. Pierce did. She snorted even more loudly behind me. The head did not look happy, and he just sat back and said nothing for a good ten seconds. He did wave Doctor Cross into silence again.

“Well, I can see that your intelligence quotient is not the anomaly that some of my people thought it was this morning. Not any of the instructors who know you best, mind you.”

When he glanced again at Mrs. Pierce, she simply said: "It's easy to forget just how very smart he is, when all you can see is how young he is, Headmaster."

The head might have nodded slightly, I wasn't sure. I didn't feel any need to respond, even if I'd known how. After all, as nice as they had been, and even though I had nowhere else to go, I couldn't help thinking that all they could do was to throw me out.

“You are very mad at me right now, aren't you, Chris?”

“I'm sorry sir, but I am. If you'd like, I probably won't be in an hour. I know this is not your fault and I never stay mad at anyone very long. Would you like to put this off till this afternoon?”

“That won't be necessary. I don't blame you for your anger. I'd feel the same. Besides, I think you are giving me some very honest answers. I'll try equally hard to accord you the same privilege wherever it doesn't violate other ethical considerations.”

I nodded again . “I'd very much appreciate that, Headmaster.”

“Chris ... I hope you don't mind my calling you by your first name? I know it's not the standard practice.”

“I don't mind, but I was beginning to feel a bit ... condemned.”

He smiled a very kindly smile then. “Look in the mirror, Chris, calling you Mister Morgan is not the most natural thing to do right now. Which brings us to the point again, finally. Did you hear the rumor about a girl on campus, Chris?”

“Yes sir. Yesterday after my first class. Fred Thomas mentioned it to me between classes.”

“Is that why you skipped your other class?”

“Yes sir, it was. I was in my room being sick to my stomach.”

“You were throwing up?”

“Yes sir, twice.”

“Why? Were you ill?”

“I not quite sure what you mean, sir, but no. I was afraid that I might have gotten Miss Lynn into trouble.”

“Did you or Miss Lynn do anything that she should be in trouble?”

“No sir, we did not.” It was hard but I made sure that my voice had not changed too much and that I didn't use any sentences with 'and' or 'but' in them.

“Chris, do you know who that girl was?”

Did I? I didn't know what was going on right now, or if Miss Lynn had even told them. Unfortunately, even if I wanted to try and lie, I couldn't see how it could possibly hold up. I'd already realized that everyone would probably find out everything before I even walked out of the theater on Friday to get something to eat. There was only about a second between the time he asked the question and my answer.

“Yes sir. I believe it was me.”

He was nice enough to nod. He had known.

“Yours was the only card key that passed the locks in that end of the building that night, Chris. Can you tell me how it was you came to be dressed so that everyone would think you were a girl?”

“Yes sir. Mrs. Pierce wanted Ginger, Ginger, and me to wear skirts so that the other guys wouldn't be ripping them off the Saint Mary's girls every time they tried to dance with them. I thought you knew.”

Mrs. Pierce laughed.

“Mildred, please.” The head said in frustration.

He sounded as pained as he had when he first addressed us about the dance. I felt sorry for him. I had been honest;I never stay angry for long.

Mrs. Pierce spoke abruptly. “Funny, Chris, but I'd advise that the simple truth is your best strategy.”

I smiled, apologetically, for the first time since I'd entered the office. “I'm sorry sir.” I sighed more loudly than I meant to and took a sip of water before I could continue.

“I helped Miss Lynn with the dancing last Friday. She showed me some of the steps and things that she expected me to help with and then we worked with our group until we were too tired. After we were done, she told me of the plan for we three surrogates to wear long skirts or dresses to help the guys.”

“How did you feel about that?” Cross asked.

The head did not look happy but he let it go.

“I don't know really. That's one of the reasons I sent you the e-mail on Sunday. I didn't exactly hate the idea. I was afraid to be singled out, though, because I'm… I was a little sensitive about it.”

Cross interrupted again. “Sir, perhaps this isn't the proper venue…”

The head didn't look happy but I answered before he could, speaking directly to the headmaster.

“Sir, I'll only tell you what I'm comfortable telling you. I really don't mind.”

The headmaster looked like he himself was torn but he only said, “Go on then.”

“Well, I know Miss Lynn was uncomfortable with it, in part because she'd roped me into helping her, and in part because I probably made her think that I was going to implode at eleven pm on December twenty-fourth,” I smiled even more weakly in apology, “but I think the biggest reason she was uncomfortable with the whole idea is because she had caught me earlier that afternoon looking through the dresses in the theater. She knew she'd hit a nerve.”

“Looking at the dresses?”

“Yes sir. I was looking for the ones I liked and holding them up in front of me in the mirror and things, to see what they would look like.”

“Because of the dance classes?”

I sighed even though I didn't want to. “Yes sir, but also because they were pretty.”

“Oh, I see.” He said looking like he wanted to change the subject. I'd always been good at knowing what people’s feelings were toward me. I hated the look of disappointment I saw in his eyes then but simply would not lie. Truth was all that I had left.

“What happened after the class?” He finally prompted.

“Well, sir, Miss Lynn gave me the choice of not doing it, but I thought it would be best just to do what would help everyone out the most. She brought me one of the dresses I had liked and helped me by telling me how to put it on.”

“Was she in the dressing room with you?” Mrs. Pierce asked, causing everyone to jump almost as much as I did.

At least, though, the question was as honest as my answers had been.

“Not when I changed, Ma'am. The dress did have about a hundred buttons on the back, I think, which she had to button for me. Later she unbuttoned them, but she did that on the stage. The only time both she and I were in the small dressing room was when we were talking in there for a couple of minutes.”

“What were you talking about?” The head asked.

“Lots of things sir, about how I had been feeling mostly but also about the dancing.”

“Did she ask you to wear makeup?” Doctor Pope asked.

“Not really. She had to help me with that at the makeup mirror, because it's not something I'm very good with and I didn't want to embarrass anyone by looking silly in the dress.”

“Had you worn makeup before?” Was Doctor Cross's follow-up.

“Yes.”

It was quiet for several breaths then.

“Did Miss Lynn suggest you go with her off campus, Chris?” The headmaster asked.

I looked him in the eye, even though the disappointment I saw there made that very, very hard. “Yes sir, she did.”

“Why did you go?” He asked.

I sighed again. “Sir, may I ask if you could possibly stop looking so disappointed.”

I had no idea where that had come from. He started to object but didn't because I didn't give him a chance.

“I'm not cracking up and I'm not some weirdo transvestite or something. Believe me, I know how strange that statement may be to you but it's true.”

“Chris, I've had a little training in dealing with people myself. They didn't just pick me off the street because there happened to be a bus stop out front. I don't think you are a transvestite. You don't look anything like one to me. If I made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I'm really am only worried about you ...”

He had to think about it before he continued, but I gave him credit for keeping his promise.

“... and for some very valuable members of my staff as well.”

I smiled in appreciation of his honesty and in his eyes I could see that he understood why I had.

“So why did you go?” he continued sounding more like he was mad than concerned.

“One of the things that came up when we were talking was that my parents had given her permission to take me to go and do any Christmas shopping I might need to get done, or just to be able to get away and talk. They were right. I wanted to go.

"We'd run the practice too late to be able to get anything to eat, and she had offered earlier that if that happened, she'd take me with her on an errand she had to run to grab something. I think she was afraid I'd wind up starving until breakfast or lunch on Saturday if she didn't.”

“Did she give you the clothes you were wearing?” He asked it just the same way, but his voice sounded different to me.

“Some of them. I'd found some the stuff I needed in the dressing rooms and I think she wanted to make sure I'd be safe so she helped me.”

“You could have worn your uniform.” He was not happy and everyone knew it.

“Headmaster…” Cross tried to break in but we both ignored him.

“Yes sir. I could have worn my uniform ... again. I really had been feeling sad, though. It wouldn't have bothered anyone, but me. I really didn't want to wear the uniform just then.”

I think he understood but he was looking at Doctor Cross over my shoulder who was shifting around loudly.

“If you ask me, sir, I'll go and change when we are done.”

It really wasn't that bad a carpet, I thought suddenly, not feeling as ill as I had been because of being able to get all this off my chest but I still wasn't feeling well either and I really didn't feel like looking at them just then.

Mrs. Pierce asked. “Chris has anyone been mean to you about the way you are dressed? I'm sure I made it clear that you boys were doing this for me and for the school.”

“You mean besides Professor Hammond, ma'am? No. Not at all. Everyone's been really nice to me. Funny too.”

She sighed openly. “Well, good. I've spoken to several of the boys and no one seems to mind. I'll speak to Mr. Hammond but, if anyone does say anything, I want you to come straight to me.”

The Head spoke up then, still accompanied by noises from Doctor Cross, but he wouldn't dare to interrupt Mrs. Pierce or the Head.

“Perhaps you'd be kind enough to pass long my own recommendation for more dietary fiber to Professor Hammond.” He looked at her then. “Mildred, I understand your very good intentions in making sure the boys are as well rounded as we can make them but perhaps this thing has gone on long enough.”

I suddenly heard some idiot speaking. “Sir, I don't want to cause….”

Mrs. Pierce was on my shoulder again, as she answered him. “I'm not so sure, Headmaster but, of course, I would be happy to hear your thoughts when we are through here. For now though, not only are the ladies from Saint Mary's due here around two this afternoon, but I still fully believe there really have been no problems with the boys. I think it's only given them something to distract them from the fear of dancing.”

The head nodded that he understood.

“I would also like to point out that Chris is not only the best dancer among us but, as I told you earlier, he helped both myself and Tom Anders out of a very uncomfortable situation that I'm afraid I was handling rather badly.”

Doctor Pope actually began to chuckle. “You know how much I wish you'd sent them to me.”

I felt her squeeze my shoulder before she answered him. “I considered it, sir, and I regret missing the opportunity, but the head of our athletics and health department was a colonel of marines, sir.”

He chuckled again and she patted my shoulder before letting it go.

He looked at me and I tried to look as calm as possible but what I really wanted to do was look at Mrs. Pierce.

He was still almost smiling. “So what errand did you run and where did you go?”

“I…” I had to swallow more water. “Miss Lynn had given me a package with a long slip in it…”

“A slip?” he interrupted.

“Yes sir. It's a type of …”

“I know what a slip is, Chris. She gave you one.”

“Yes, Headmaster. She had two new ones in packages. She gave me her last one when we were trying to find a dress for the next class. You need it, because it keeps the long skirt from getting so wrapped up around your legs as you dance. No point in teaching the guys not to rip them off, if you wind up falling over it anyway. I took her last one.”

He did not look very pleased. “And did you think that wearing makeup, perfume, and a bow in your hair would make your classmates more steady on their feet?”

Cross was on his feet. “Doctor Pope, I'm sorry to interrupt sir, but I really must remind you that I need us to table this aspect of the discussion until Chris and I have talked.”

The head didn't look mad at him like I expected but he didn't look happy either. “I understand that Doctor, but you realize that this isn't the first time I've had to speak to a young man with a problem. I'm…”

Mrs. Pierce stopped them both in their tracks. “With questions, Headmaster. Chris has questions.”

“You are right, of course, Mildred. Thank you. Questions.”

She continued to everyone's surprise, “And I for one agree with Doctor Cross in his request.”

The head just nodded, surprising me again when he actually said “Thank you, Mildred." He looked back at me. “So where exactly did you go?”

“We hit the burger drive through. It was awful. And then we went straight to the mall.”

“You went into the mall?”

“Just the one big store at the end. We never went inside the mall proper. Miss Lynn told me I could stay in the car and had parked right next to the store under the light but I think that she was uncomfortable leaving me alone. I wanted to go in anyway. I needed to get some things for the classes too, and I didn't want her to have to pay for it. Once we got inside we just ... had fun”

I blushed again and he just looked at me some more. I don't think he knew what to ask.

I continued. “Well we were talking and giggling by then and I was feeling much less depressed, so I bought some things I needed.”

He looked at me again and, I swear, I heard Miss Pierce make another weird noise but, with the face that Doctor Pope was making, I couldn't tear my eyes away.

“And you spoke about?” He asked slowly.

“About me. About how I'd been feeling so lonely. About why I check out romantic stories every weekend, and read books and article reprints on makeup and fashions…'

As soon as I realized that the carpet might be due for a vacuuming, I forced my eyes back up to look at him.

“Chris, did you discuss anything of a personal nature with Miss Lynn. I will tell you in fairness she has already told us she did.”

“Yes sir, she would. She told me a little about when she was a girl and a little about her brother, so that I'd know she really understood. She told me that her biggest fear, other than for me, was that she was afraid that her experiences with him might have colored her judgment. She told me that Doctor Cross, and Mrs. Pierce, and my parents were very nice people, and that I really needed to talk with them. That's why I wrote to Doctor Cross on Sunday, and asked if I could come and talk to him about some gender questions.”

“You contacted the doctor at her request?” His tone made it clear that Miss Lynn had not shared that part of it, but it also gave me the impression that he understood that she had only done so to protect my privacy.

I nodded to him. “I contacted Doctor Cross, sir, because I wanted to, and because she thought it was a really good idea too.”

Doctor Cross spoke. “I'm sorry head master but, because Chris had asked some very specific questions in his e-mail, I didn't feel I could discuss it with you, but he did make the appointment, and he did say it was at the urging of Miss Lynn. He wrote very clearly that she had made him feel much better and had given him the courage he needed to speak with me.”

The headmaster nodded to Doctor Cross, but I think he was looking at Mrs. Pierce when he spoke. “Thank you for the corroboration doctor but I was quite comfortable taking Mr. Morgan at his word.” He leaned forward to look at me very closely then.

Much more closely and I swear he took a deep breath.

“Chris, did Miss Lynn do anything on Friday night that made you feel bad or uncomfortable. Did she coerce you into doing anything, or did any of the more personal questions that she asked you upset you in any way.”

I hoped that his leaning closer was helping him see me because I couldn't see him at all. Shit. I felt tears begin to leak onto my cheeks.

“Sir… No, sir!” I tried to dab them away with the now badly crushed Kleenex but it was too late, and the single Kleenex was too small. “Miss Lynn is like a big sister. She talks to me. My father is so busy, and when I tried to write to my mother ... but her letters were confused and distant, she doesn't really answer the questions I ask her, my dad does. Miss Lynn is the nicest…”

“Chris, I didn't…” The head said, but it really was far too late.

“I think that's all we needed to hear.” Mrs. Pierce was lifting me under my arms, whilst I fumbled with the Kleenex and the little purse.

 
 

     I didn't look at anyone as she steered me through the office. I'm sure the girls in the outer area were watching me but I didn't look up. Before I found myself all away across the common area and into Mrs. Pierce's office.

“Here, Chris.” She handed me a fresh bundle of tissues, and said. “Have a seat, Chris.”

I moved toward a chair but she steered me by my shoulders again.

“Not there, Chris. Here at my desk. I had the ladies in the dining room send you over some hot food. You can't be skipping meals like that. You should have come to me. I'm very sorry I didn't know until Amy came to me this morning. You should have come to me, Chris. Here, you need food.”

“I'm sorry, I…”

“I know, Chris.” She lifted my chin with her fingers to force me to look at her. “I know. Just remember that just because I've never hit you before, it doesn't mean that I won't if you ever do that again.”

I was helpless to hold it in any longer.

“Oh Chris…” she whispered, pulling me to her…

 
 

 
 

My very special thanks to Geoff for his invaluable time and advice.

 
 
 
By

Sarah Lynn Morgan

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