What shall I wear today?

A fantasy by Johnny Cumlately

Vi and I are not doing anything special today - just a trip to the local supermarket for the weekly shopping. Its a cold mid-winter day, so I will choose something warm and androgynous.

I put on panties and an bra. I hav'n't needed Y fronts or boxers for many years. I need a bra these days since my breasts developed. I'm rather proud of them. They are quite small, only B cup, but they are real and they are all mine.

Woolly tights, a pair of pull-on cord slacks with drawstring waist and a thick sweater will keep the cold out. The slacks do not have fly openings - I have no need of them - and the sweater is loose enough not to emphasise my modest breasts. I don't put on any makeup and just run a comb through my unruly hair. At my age its sort of white, more ivory coloured, and fairly straight.

Dressed this way I might be either male or female. Who cares? Some of our friends still call me John and others Jean. The girls at the checkout at the supermarket call everyone "luv" anyway.

Violet and I have been married for 45 years and are both just turned 70. Its a very happy if somewhat unconventional marriage.

...........................................................

When we were first married, we were always short of money like most newly-weds. Vi worked as secretary to the junior partner of our local solicitors and I had a junior management job in a small subsidiary of a large international group of companies.

We were madly in love and took very opportunity to enjoy sex - sometimes several times a day. But we decided to defer having a family until we had saved enough for a deposit on our own house, which was clearly going to take a long time.

After about a year, the group offered me a twelve month secondment to one of their offshoots in the Far East. The money was very attractive and I hoped to return with enough for the deposit. I was reluctant to leave Vi but she insisted it would be for the best so I accepted.

Six months later, I was stuck in some god forsaken dump in the back end of nowhere. There was little to do other than work and I really missed Vi. I wanted a good fuck. One night, I got talking to a very attractive Asian girl in the local bar and - to cut a short storey even shorter - finished up spending the night with her. It was the only time when I have ever been unfaithful to Vi and it changed my life.

I learned afterwards that the girl regularly looked for a guy who would give her free night's lodging. Needless to say, I never saw her again.

A few weeks later, I needed to visit the doctor who diagnosed an early case of Syphilis, but was reassured that it would respond to a course of strong antibiotics. He arranged another appointment for three weeks later.

When I returned, he told me that the Syphilis had responded well to the treatment but then dropped a bombshell. He had routinely taken a blood sample and the results showed that I was now HIV positive. He said that I may never show any symptoms but that it would be advisable to refrain from intercourse in future and certainly to avoid having any children.

For several weeks I was in shock but gradually I turned to wondering how I could tell Vi. Eventually, I decided that I could not leave it until I arrived home and that I must write to give her time to react. I would say exactly what happened and plead forgiveness but also offer an undefended divorce. I had broken my marriage vows and must now pay a terrible price of lifelong chastity. I still loved her dearly but starting a family would no longer be an option. It took me about a week to draft the letter and summon the courage to post it.

Mail to Europe usually took up to a week, so I could not expect a reply in less than a fortnight. In the meantime, I threw myself into my work to try to forget it. It was actually three weeks later that an envelope arrived addressed in Vi's neat writing.

"My Dearest John,

How awful! At first I could not believe what you had written and all I could think about was that I never wanted to see you again.........................

However, I gradually calmed down. No matter what has happened, I do love you as much as ever and cannot wait for your return home. Our lovemaking was wonderful but sex and kids are not everything and if we have to go without both, then so be it - we married for better or for worse. If it had been me who was away, would I have been tempted? Who knows? ........"

The letter covered three pages and went on to give routine news from home almost as if nothing particular had happened. It ended:

"I shall always love you and I want to stay with you. Don't worry - we'll get over it somehow. Come home soon, my darling. I can't wait to see you again. All my love, Vi. xxxxx"

It was just as well that I had gone to my room to read it. I just collapsed into tears and sat down wondering if I had been dreaming.

................................................................

The last three months of my contract went by quickly and Vi was at the airport to meet me. We fell into one another's arms in a tearful reunion.

Neither of us dared speak about the problem for a couple of days but eventually it was Vi who spoke out. "I've been giving a lot of thought to how we are going to cope with our lives in future and I think it would be a sensible for both of us for you to wear a chastity belt - just in case we got a bit carried away. I've done some research and there is a guy in Germany who makes some beautiful belts which are very secure. I think we should go and see him. You have several weeks leave due to you and we could make it a bit of a holiday. I've spoken to him on the phone. He says that in view of our circumstances, he could make one specially in a week. You would have to be carefully measured and he would make sure that it was completely comfortable for long term wear before we came home."

"Wow! You really have been doing some homework! I can't imagine what it would be like to be locked into a chastity belt. I know that there are modern belts which are not like the ones knights of old were supposed to lock their ladies in when they went off to the crusades. But if that's what you want, then I'll wear one especially for you."

I didn't really know what I was agreeing to but two weeks later we arrived in a small town in Germany. We had decided to travel by car so that there should be no problem for me with airport security when we returned. We found Herr Schmidt's house fairly easily and he made us very welcome and encouraged us be informal and call him Ludwig. He showed us samples of his full range of belts which I found a bit awe-inspiring, but Vi seemed to know exactly which one I should wear. It was a she-male belt with a smooth frontal shield which would completely hide all my genitals and a tube behind it which would be just big enough to hold my flaccid penis. I was assured that I would not be able to touch it or to get even half an erection.

She asked him to measure me. This involved stripping while some very personal bits were measured and made me quite excited but I was soon put at ease by his professional approach. Vi handed over a pile of D Marks (this was before the change to the Euro) and we were asked to return in a four days time. Ludwig had booked a room at a nice small local hotel which we could use as a base to explore the locality.

I was apprehensive when we were back with Ludwig later in the week. I was shown how to put the belt on and I was locked into it for the first time. Vi said I looked very sexy in it! It fitted well. It felt very strange and tight but not uncomfortable. I was given advice about sanitation and general maintenance. No question now that I would be sitting down to pee! Ludwig suggested that he should keep the keys while we were still in Germany and visit him again before returning to the UK. I spent a couple of sleepless nights - particularly due to nocturnal (attempted) erections - but was getting used to it before our final visit. Ludwig wished me luck before handing the two keys to Vi with a warning that there were no more copies!

........................................................

Back home, Vi gave me a packet of white panties and some liners "because you won't need boxers or Y fronts anymore" and I gradually learned to cope. She lodged one of the keys in her bank (to which I did not have access) and I never discovered where she kept the other one.

Of necessity, we tended to keep each other at arms' length as the aids virus can be transmitted in other ways than sexual contact but, occasionally, Vi would tease my nipples which would immediately cause my penis to try to grow. But the narrow tube was like a vice. I just loved the feeling!

Vi would unlock me once a month so that the belt could be thoroughly cleaned while I enjoyed a bath but she locked it on again immediately afterwards.

She also bought me several pairs of ladies pull-on trousers for casual wear which I had to admit I found nice and convenient, since I had to drop my trousers to visit the toilet. On the odd occasions when I went out with them on, no-one seemed to notice, although I was very conscious of the lack on a fly opening.

Our finances had improved considerably. We now had a nice house and a new car. My work while away had earned me promotion and a generous salary and Vi had become secretary and PA to the senior partner in the law firm. I guess we qualified as "DINKIES" - Double Income No Kids - and whilst we regretted not being able to have a family, we enjoyed our chaste life together. Over the years, the belt became part of me. I got to take it for granted and just hoped that none of my colleagues in the office noticed that I never used a urinal! It was totally invisible under normal clothes but I did need to avoid wearing bathing trunks when on holiday.

......................................................

I was surprised one day a few years later, when Vi said to me "I know you manage very well with that belt, but perhaps we should consider a more radical solution to our problem."

"Radical solution? What have you in mind?" I asked remembering that Vi had been the one who had done all the research on chastity belts.

"Well, bearing in mind that you are going to have to wear it for ever, what if something was done which would make it redundant?"

"Go on! Tell me what you have already decided!"

"You would have to go abroad for the operation, but there are surgeons who would carry out a total penectomy for an appropriately large sum of money."

"You mean, have my cock and balls cut off?"

"Yes. They would leave you with a smooth crotch with just a small scar which would soon be covered by your pubic hair and they would create a small pee hole between your legs."

"Sounds as if you've been doing a lot of homework again. I must admit that getting rid of the belt has it's attractions. Where would we have to go and how much will it cost?"

"There's a man in Mexico, recently retired from general practice after a slightly shady career, who nevertheless still has an excellent reputation for the quality of his work and he has his own clinic. As to the cost, we can now afford it!"

And so it was that a few weeks later, we boarded a flight to Acapulco. I was very apprehensive but relieved that I would soon be able to go through airport security without embarrassment. I had got used to saying that I wore a metal belt for medical reasons and, to be fair, seldom had to explain further.

We took a taxi to the clinic which was in a posh residential district of the city. Mr Shapino proved charming - as well he might considering how much we were paying! He said it was not his policy to pry into patient's motives. If someone felt the need for his surgery and was willing to invest a large sum, then they must have given it a lot of thought and know what they were doing. We had warned him that I had been diagnosed HIV positive so that he and his staff could take any necessary precautions.

He explained to me exactly what the operation involved. I would have to stay in his clinic for about a week and must then remain in Acapulco for another two weeks so that he could check that I had healed properly. During this time, I would wear a catheter so as to ensure that the urethra was draining and that I could control my bladder. Apart from the inevitable pain associated with a surgical procedure, I would experience discomfort for a time. He said he had carried out the operation about twenty times and had never had any problems. In his experience, the wound should heal quickly.

I would have to take male hormone pills for the rest of my life as the body would no longer produce the correct balance. If I failed to do this, I would be likely to develop female characteristics such as enlarged breasts.

He asked me to sign a consent form which set out all this is detail before taking some blood samples and initial tests. He suggested we adjourn to the hotel where Vi had booked a double room and that I should report to the clinic the next morning. He gave me some tablets to take overnight. The operation would be carried out the following afternoon.

I spent a sleepless night hoping that we had made the right decision and at 9.00 the next morning Vi came with me to the clinic and handed over the key to the belt - I was not to be allowed the pleasure of removing it myself! It would be removed once the general anaesthetic had taken effect.

As Mr Shapino had predicted, I came to later feeling very drowsy but not in any real pain. I was aware of bandages but still had little feeling amidships. The belt had gone! There was constant nursing attention and in a couple of days I was able to get out to walk around the ward, albeit in some discomfort.

The first time the dressings were changed, the nurses allowed me to take a quick look. "You're doing fine!" Where my "equipment" had been, there was now just a neat wound held together with stitches, which they said would be removed in another couple of days. Is that really me?

The next day, when the dressings were changed, Vi was with me. "That looks great! Now you really are half female!" Had Vi been leading me that way for years?

Just two weeks later, Vi and I paid our last visit to Mr Shapino. He confirmed that the operation had gone exactly as expected and told me not to expect any complications. The catheter had been removed a few days earlier and my bladder control should soon return to normal. I would have to ensure that my new pee hole was regularly dilated for the next few weeks. He handed me a generous quantity of hormone pills and a prescription for further supplies when I got home. I handed the pills to Vi who thereafter always looked after them for me and ensured I remembered my daily doses.

"There is one thing which I should tell you. The blood test which was done before the operation showed no sign of HIV. I can only conclude that the tests which you had originally were in some way contaminated. Anyway, I wish you luck. I'm sure you will be happy with your new status as it is clear to me that it was what you and your wife most desired."

We shook hands and almost fell out of his room trying to take in the impact of what he had just told us. Had I really endured several years of enforced chastity and just become a eunuch because of some minor problem in a laboratory in the Far East?

...............................................................

Back home, the priority was to get another blood test to confirm what Mr Shapino had told us. I did not want the embarrassment of explaining to my local doctor what I had just undergone - though he was going to find out sometime - but fortunately managed to spin a line to the nurse about having been abroad and being worried about Aids.

A few days later, a small envelope fell through the letterbox.

"I am pleased to tell you ......................."

Vi and I enjoyed the most passionate kiss we had had since I went off to the Far East. "Shall I tell you a secret? I've often dreamed of having a lesbian affair and since you're partly female now, maybe that dream will come true!" As usual, Vi was way ahead of me. I would have to learn some new tricks to make up for my new lack of equipment!

I was soon completely back to normal, that is as far as I would ever be "normal" in future and I was able to start to take my new status as a eunuch for granted. After all it was not so different from being locked in the belt 24/7. Vi seemed more aware of it than I was.

"You know you really should explore the feminine side of your character more now that you are no longer wholly male. I think I'll buy you some nice things to wear, at least around the house when we are alone." I wasn't sure about that but at least she intended to keep it just between the two of us.

A parcel arrived a few days later containing a lovely long skirt, a jumper, a bra and some bra forms and Vi immediately wanted a trying-on session. I admitted that I liked her choice but sensed that it was only the beginning. I soon would also be the proud owner of wigs, makeup, tights, shoes and lots of other feminine requirements.

Thus began many years of a new and happy life with Vi. Not only did she teach me about clothes and makeup but she also taught me how to satisfy her considerable sexual appetite. We used several sex toys but the dildo I wore was her favourite. I learnt that I could share her orgasms in spite of my lack of a penis and that I could achieve emotional release to match her climaxes.

I dressed as Jean most days when we were at home and we went on holiday as sisters. Only a very few of our closest friends knew my secret.

Some years later, I began to notice small but significant physical changes. My already sensitive nipples became enlarged and almost painful. I put on weight with fat around my hips. My hair started to get softer. When I told Vi, she said "Oh! Good! Its working!"

"What's working?"

"I didn't want you to know until now, but you were doing so well as a female, I wanted you to go further. For the last three months I have switched your male hormone pills for female. With any luck you should soon grow a nice pair of proper boobs instead of having to wear those falsies."

As usual Vi had taken the decision for me and it was too late now to go back. And anyway, it had occurred to me how much I would like a more female figure. After about six months, I was able to throw out the falsies and enjoy my own real boobs. They are quite petite but nicely shaped and comfortably fill a B cup bra. I grew my hair longer and had it styled so that with a quick brush, it could be either shaggy male or attractively female. I no longer needed to bother with wigs.

With our silver wedding coming up, we decided it was time for me to come out properly. We invited about 30 friends. Apart from the few who knew, the reactions of the others to seeing me in full party outfit - long sleeveless dress with full skirt and bodice with obviously real contents, high heels, modest makeup (I never overdo that) and a nice hairdo - ranged from surprise to envy, particularly from a couple of men friends.

That was five years ago. Since then, Jean has led an active social life, but John is still around from time to time, particularly for cold winter shopping trips.

Fiction by Johnny Cumlately

January 2009

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