It was Tuesday evening, and all the youth were hanging out in the church basement. That was our spot. There was no organized activity this evening, so people were just talking, playing music and hanging out. Most of them were two to four years younger than I was. I was just out of high school, but had nothing else to do, so I hung out there too.

I slipped away from them to the hallway in back of the little stage. A couple days a week this area was used as part of the secondhand shop, and there was a lot of stuff crowding the hallway. I wanted to look over the rack of used dresses. Quietly, in the dim light, I looked through them, found one I really liked that I thought would fit, and pulled it off the hanger. Looking around, there really wasn’t a good place to try it on. This was kind of a dangerous thing to do, with the rest of the group only a few steps away, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity.

There was a small inset of sorts, where a door led to the backstage area, and it seemed a little more protected than the rest of the hall, so I stepped over and pulled off my shirt. Only a single bulb provided illumination back here, so it was pretty dimly lit, but I got the dress over my head and straightened it out. Looking down, I saw it covered my shorts, which pleased me.

At that moment Sarah Chandler, an older girl and unofficial youth counselor I really liked, called out. “Robbie? Are you back here?”

I froze, scared out of my mind that she would discover me. I almost stopped breathing.

“Robbie? I saw you come back here. Where are you?”

I stayed frozen, hoping she would give up. I was not known for practical jokes, and there was a stairway on either side I could have used, as far as she knew.

My heart was beating so loudly I thought she must be able to hear it, but I stood there as still as a store mannequin.

After a few more seconds I could hear her turn around and leave. I let a breath out. That was too close. I was an idiot to think I could have privacy back here. I carefully pulled the dress back off and slid it back onto the hanger. Once my shirt was back on I took a couple deep breaths to get my heart rate back down, and made my way out of there.

Sarah was standing right by the doorway.

“Robbie! Where were you?”

“I was in the mens room, why?”

“I thought you were back in the hallway. Thought I saw you go back there.”

“Nope. Just taking care of business.”

For some reason she narrowed her eyes at me.

“Why is your tee-shirt on backwards? You had to take your shirt off to pee?”

I looked down to see the Sucker! on my front, when it should say See My Back for the Answer.

“I had to look at something on my chest. I didn’t even notice I’d put it on backwards, but now that you mention it, it’s not that comfortable.”

“Look at what?”

“Hey! What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?! I have an itchy spot.”

“Oh.”

“So, Sarah. What did you want?” I said, hoping to get the attention off me.

“It’s so nice out, I thought I’d go for a little drive. Want to come?”

“Well sure! It’s very nice of you to offer. But let me go turn my shirt around first! I’ll meet you at your car.”

-o0o-

This was something new, her inviting me anywhere. As far as I could remember she had never shown any obvious interest in me. As I said, I really liked her, but had no idea how to tell her so, or to ask her on a date. I felt like when we spoke I only said stupid or obvious things.

As I got into her sporty little car she looked at me and smiled. I melted inside. She had a job as an occupational therapist, but her folks were pretty well off and I’m sure they bought her the car. As for me, I had a job at a chain store as a stock boy. We were not in the same social class.

She just drove around and then to the lake, parking there. The temperature was perfect, there was a gentle breeze, and we just sat there in the car and chatted about nothing and looked at the lake. She put me at ease enough to be able to hold a conversation. At one point she put her hand on my thigh, and that felt really nice. But then…

“Do you like me?”

That was sure out of left field, and I sputtered as my mind went blank.

“Robbie?”

“Um. Yes! Yes, of course I like you! I’ve always liked you!”

“Why haven’t you asked me on a date?”

Shrugging, I said, “I figured I never had a chance with you. You’re older than I am, and also, I have no money,” which was all the truth.

“You’ll never know until you try. My age isn’t important and neither is the money.”

“Well, it is to me. You don’t ask someone on a date and then not pay for them. Anyhow, I’m not sure I could take a rejection.”

“What if I guaranteed you that there wouldn’t be any rejection?”

This conversation was making me sweat. She smiled and laid off the questions.

Only later did I wonder why didn’t she ask me on a date?

-o0o-

A few days later, on Friday evening, Sarah invited me to her apartment, also a first. When I arrived, she let me in and she said she was doing something in the kitchen.

“…but I left some things for you on my bed.”

Mystified I went to her bedroom and walked in. There on the bed was the dress I had tried on at church! There was also a bra, panties and pantyhose. I couldn’t believe this. How did she know that was the dress I had tried on? Was I supposed to put it on? Now? I mean, I would have loved to. But to do it front of someone? A girl I liked? I didn’t think I had that kind of courage.

I walked back out, to the kitchen. Sarah looked disappointed.

“Sarah, did you really expect me to put all that on?”

“I already know you like that dress. You probably didn’t realize there was a mirror close to you in that hallway at church. I didn’t want to freak you out so I stepped back before I called out.”

Well now I was freaked out! “Oh my god!” My mind went blank and the blood rushed out of my head. I had been found out. I really had no idea what to do. I stood there frozen. Sarah stopped what she was doing and came over and embraced me.

“It’s okay, Robbie, really. I don’t think any lesser of you because you like girl’s clothes.”

That was like ripping a bandage off with no warning, and taking a bunch of sensitive hair with it. This was my Big Secret! And the girl I liked knew all about it. I felt I had to get out of there. I stepped away from her and started for the door. She grabbed my arm and stopped me.

“Please don’t leave, Robbie. You don’t need to be worried about this. I’m not going to tell anyone.”

I still didn’t say anything, but almost collapsed onto her couch. She sat down next to me.

“I’m so embarrassed,” I finally choked out.

“No need to be. I think it’s pretty cool, actually. In fact, when I saw you put that dress on is when I decided to get to know you better.”

I looked at her in disbelief.

“I admit that not every boy would look good in a dress, but for the brief moment I saw you, I could tell that you did look good. And I already liked you. Why shouldn’t boys be able to wear any clothes they want?”

“Because other guys would probably kill them? Or make their life a living hell?”

“Yeah, I never understood why that kind of thing upset so many guys.”

“It’s not only guys, Sarah. I’ve heard stories where it upsets a woman too. Maybe not to the point of killing, but of throwing the guy out, making fun of him, or disowning him. It’s a really big deal to some people.”

I took a deep breath, and went on, in barely a whisper.

“My parents caught me in a dress during the last school year. They let me stay until my eighteenth birthday and then they kicked me out of the house because of my perverted behavior.”

She looked horrified.

“I’m sorry. I had no idea,” she said. “That’s just so wrong and so sad for a parent to treat their own flesh and blood that way.”

“I can understand. I mean, there’s something wrong with me.”

“No, Robbie, there isn’t. Tell me, do you want to be a girl?”

“No, I don’t think so, but I like the clothes. I like the way your bodies look and move.”

“Hmm. But for you, I’m guessing that when you see a pretty girl the first thing on your mind is probably not ‘Gee, I’d love to screw her,’ right?”

“Well, yeah. It’s more like ‘I wonder what it would feel like to wear that, or to have nice breasts.’”

I clapped my hands over my mouth, even though it was too late. Did I just say that out loud? Oh. My. God! I really needed to hear, ‘We now return control of your mouth to you.’

“Robbie, there are all different kinds of people, and not everyone fits into the socially-acceptable molds we were raised with. That doesn’t make them wrong, or deviant. It just makes them a unique individual.”

I looked at her. She was so pretty, and so understanding. My eyes started brimming with tears. She was too good for me.

“Sarah… you should really stay away from me. I’m a loser. I have nothing to give you in a relationship.”

“Robbie! You’re not listening to me! I like you just as you are! And you’re not a loser; I wouldn’t be interested in a loser! Oh man! I hate it that your parents have made you feel like this!”

I curled in on myself. Her kindness was killing me. I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them. Sarah put her arm around my shoulders and put her head against mine. We just sat there like that for what seemed like a long time.

“How can you like me?” I whispered.

She turned her head a little bit. “Let me ask you the same thing – how can you like me?”

“That’s easy. You have a fantastic personality, you’re beautiful and kind.”

“Well that’s the same way I feel about you.”

I turned to look at her in disbelief.

“You must have me confused with someone else.”

“You idiot! I have known you for two years. I’ve seen how you help out at the youth group, and how nice you are to everyone. Someone with a bad personality is not going to act like that.”

I said nothing.

“You need to get it through your thick head that you are worth something! People like you. Try not to define yourself by what other people did to you, or by your job.”

Tears were slowly dripping down my cheeks, and I relaxed just a little bit. Sarah felt it and moved her arm down to my waist. I turned my head to look at her and she leaned in and gave me a kiss on the lips. It lit a small fire in me and I relaxed a little further. Soon we had our arms around each other, just holding each other. I felt strength coming from her, and soon we were kissing and kissing. It was as if she saved my life just then.

-o0o-

After thirty minutes or so we were just relaxing on the couch with our arms around each other.

“Now, would you like to put on that dress?”

A part of me clenched up at those words, but I did want to be stronger and better.

“I would love to.”

We both got up. She went to back whatever she was doing in the kitchen and I went into the bedroom and put on everything she had laid out. She had included some inserts for the bra, which made the whole experience much more satisfying. I had never had access to a bra before. This time I pulled up the zipper on the dress. There was a pair of clogs that kind of fit. My foot was only a little too long.

Trembling, I opened the door and very slowly came out. She heard the door open and came over to see me. I couldn’t look her in the eye.

“Robbie, you look wonderful in that! You have good taste.”

I blushed and she came over and gave me a hug and a kiss.

“Would you like me to do something with your hair?”

Shyly I nodded. It was still very unnerving to be dressed like this in front of someone.

She pulled me back into her bedroom, sat me down and went to work with a brush and comb. She soon had me in a more feminine hairstyle. We looked in the mirror together.

“With your fine features, I’m not sure you need any makeup. Earrings would help, but you don’t have holes.”

I didn’t know what to say. I had mostly avoided looking at myself the few times I had been dressed. It would have been too disappointing to see my boy’s head and body in a dress. Now I was impressed with how much difference just the breasts and hairdo made.

Sarah leaned down behind me and put her arms around me. She kissed me on the cheek.

“How do you feel?”

“Um. Amazed, scared, happy.”

“Sounds about right. Come into the kitchen with me,” she said, taking me by the hand.

-o0o-

She had been preparing some very nice-smelling food. Of course most real food smelled nice compared with the microwaved meals I was used to. She had me sit at the kitchen table, and she served us both and then sat down. It was very, very weird to be sitting there in a dress.

As we ate I started to forget what I had on—well, except for when my arm bumped against my fake breast—and enjoy her company and the food.

“Do you have a girl’s name? I mean, Robbie works either way, but do you?”

“No, I never really thought about it, but I think I would find something a lot different than Robbie.”

“hmm. How about Emma? Mia? Abby? Grace? Any of those appeal?”

“I’d say… either Emma or Mia. You choose.”

“Oh, thank you for the honor, Miss Mia!”

We laughed.

“Well, Mia, where have you been living?”

“I rent a room in this lady’s attic. She lets me have a hotplate and microwave.”

“What would you think about moving in here with me?”

I was astounded. “Are you serious?”

“Very serious.”

“I pay her a hundred and fifty dollars a month. Would that be enough?”

She smiled. “Robbie, my parents pay for this apartment. You can live here rent-free, and start to save up some money.”

I still didn’t know exactly what sort of relationship we were in, or how I could pay back her kindness.

“I’d love to live with you, Sarah, but you might feel kind of cramped with someone else here. And what if your parents found out?”

“I think we could probably work around any cramped feelings, adjust our lifestyles, adapt. As for my parents, they’re pretty liberal, and I’m over twenty-one.”

Living alone in that attic was pretty lonely, and of all people I could choose to live with, Sarah would be at the top of the list.

-o0o-

“Would you like to stay here tonight? Or does that lady keep tabs on you?”

“I have my own entrance, so she wouldn’t know if I was there or not. I would really love to stay with you tonight, yes.”

She smiled.

“Good!”

She took a shower and told me to take one, and said she’d leave me something to wear in the bathroom. Fortunately we were about the same size. I kind of regretfully took off the dress and lingerie and stepped in to the shower. There was a shower cap there, so I used it, and once I stepped out and dried myself off I found a short nightgown on the toilet seat, and put it on.

Stepping back into the bedroom, she was waiting for me in the bed, in her own nightgown. I felt extremely shy, and just stood there.

“Come on, Mia. Come lie down.”

I slowly walked to the bed and sat down, looking at her the whole time. I had never had a girlfriend before, and had certainly never slept with a girl before.

“You’ve had a tough day, Mia. We’re just going to snuggle up and sleep together, so try and relax.”

I lay down on my back and tried to relax my muscles. Sarah put an arm over me and one behind my neck and scooted close. That made me feel so good, and combined with the feel of the nylon was almost overpoweringly sensuous. It didn’t give me an erection—I actually seldom had them—it just made me feel loved and comfortable.

-o0o-

I woke up on my side, feeling good but not remembering where I was. I felt an arm around my waist and then recalled I was at Sarah’s. I smiled to myself and put my arm on top of hers for comfort. I lay there until I realized I really needed to get up. Sarah started to make waking noises. I turned over to look at her. She smiled.

“Good morning, Mia. What a nice way to wake up!”

I leaned over and kissed her, and then got up to use the bathroom.

“You look very nice in that nightie, Mia!” she called after me.

“Not as nice as you, Sarah!”

When I was done in the bathroom she ran past me to use it herself. I didn’t know what to wear, so I just sat on the bed and waited for her. When she returned she asked, “What would you like to wear today?”

“I have no idea. Are we spending the day together?”

“Well, it’s Saturday and I have no plans. I’d love to spend time with you.”

“If you haven’t changed your mind about me moving in here, then I should probably go let my landlady know I’ll be moving out.”

“No, I haven’t changed my mind. Hmm. I’m thinking that if there is any possibility that this lady is reporting to you parents, you should go in alone.”

“Sarah, my parents—or maybe ex-parents is more accurate—don’t know where I am and don’t care. I had never met this lady before I got the room. She’s very nice. In fact it was Sally, the Youth Minister, who recommended her. My parents don’t even go to this church.”

She hugged me.

“It’s just so hard to understand how people who consider themselves Christians can be so un-Christian, and towards their own flesh and blood.”

I said nothing, just enjoying the hug.

-o0o-

She drove me back to my place, and stayed in the car while I talked to the landlady to tell her I’d be moving out at the end of the next week. I thanked her for her kindness in renting me the room, and she wished me well, and told me I was a very good tenant.

During the next week Sarah helped me move my things to her apartment. I didn’t have very much; my parents only allowed me to take things I had paid for, like clothes, a few books, an old iPod.

She had only the one bed, so we always slept together, which was really enjoyable. I guess I didn’t have a very active libido, because I was content to just cuddle with her as we fell asleep.

She encouraged me to wear my dress and some of her clothes if I felt like it, but I did so only there, at the apartment. No way was I going out in public! I also worked on sounding more like a girl, because when I looked in the mirror and spoke, it just seemed wrong for my own voice to come out of that person. It wasn’t that masculine, but it was boy-like.

-o0o-

I still had my job, stocking shelves, but I was starting to think about finding a better job, maybe one with some possibility of advancement. Living with Sarah I started feeling better about myself, as if I was capable of doing more.

We both still helped out with the youth group, so we weren’t hanging out at the apartment all the time.

-o0o-

A few weeks later on a Sunday afternoon, I was all dressed up, and even made up a bit. I admit I was kind of overdressed for everyday activities, but I liked it, and Sarah enjoyed seeing me enjoying myself.

It came as quite a surprise to hear a knock on the door. Sarah got up to answer it, and I got up and headed toward the bedroom, to hide. I stood at the door, listening.

“Oh! Hi Mom, Dad! Come on in,” I heard. Yikes!

“This is unexpected. What brings you over here?”

“We ran an errand near here and decided to come see our favorite daughter.”

I heard them come in and take a seat.

“I hope you mean your only daughter!” she said, humorously.

The next thing I heard filled me with dread.

“Mia! Come out here and meet my parents.”

Forcing my feet to move was a real chore, but I did it.

“There you are! Mia, I’d like you to meet my parents, John and Marie Chandler. This is Mia Parker, my roommate.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you,” I said in my Mia voice, and sat down next to Sarah, opposite them.

“That’s a very pretty dress you have on, Mia,” said her mother. “Are you coming from a party?”

“No Mom, she had an event to go to.”

“We didn’t know you had a roommate, dear.”

“Well, it only happened a few weeks ago. I met Mia at church, and she seemed like she could use some help, so I invited her to stay here.”

I just sat there, scared, and looked down at my hands in my lap.

“Do you have a job, Mia?” asked her dad.

“She works at a drugstore,” Sarah answered for me. “But she’s looking for something better.”

“Oh? Any college, Mia?” asked her dad.

“No sir,” I said, still looking down.

I’m sure her mother could tell I was nervous, and she decided to put an end to the questions.

“John and I will keep our eyes open for a starter position for you.”

“That’s very kind of you, ma’am. Sarah, do you mind if I go and lie down?”

“Go ahead, Mia.”

“Nice to have met you,” said her parents.

I briefly looked at them and smiled, and vanished into the bedroom.

“She’s extremely shy, isn’t she,” I heard her mother say.

“She’s had some pretty awful things happen to her,” replied Sarah.

They chatted for another half hour and then took their leave.

Sarah came back to the bedroom, where I was lying down, and lay down next to me.

“Are you okay, Mia?”

“Yes, but I was scared out of my mind meeting anyone while I’m dressed up.”

“You did great. I think they like you.”

“Sarah, why did you ask me to come out and meet them?”

“They’re good people, Mia, and they would not have made any trouble for you. You’re important to me and I would have felt bad if you had to hide in the bedroom the whole time. However, you should realize that if they do find a job for you, you know it’s going to be a job for Mia, not Robbie.”

My eyes widened at that. How could that not have occurred to me?!

-o0o-

A week later we, meaning Sarah and Mia, had a dinner invitation to the Chandlers. I really didn’t want to go, but Sarah convinced me it would be fine, and that her parents wouldn’t try and out me or make trouble. We even found me another dress at the secondhand store at the church.

We arrived and I was able to speak a little more than at our first meeting. After dinner Sarah’s dad asked her to come into his study to talk, and so I helped her mother clear up the dishes. I offered to do the washing, and she gave me an apron to wear, to protect my dress. I was still pretty frightened, especially without Sarah by my side, and Mrs. Chandler tried to put me more at ease.

“It’s very nice of you to help out, Mia,” she said.

“It’s my pleasure, ma’am. I really enjoyed the dinner.”

“Thank you. Mia, you seem like a very nice girl, and I don’t want to upset you, but I would like to ask if you are transgendered.”

I almost dropped the plate I was washing. I was able to drop it back in the soapy water, and then I felt so faint that I grabbed the edge of the sink and slid down to the floor.

This was just what I had feared. Well, actually not this; what I really feared was an angry accusation.

Mrs. Chandler knelt down next to me and grabbed my soapy hand.

“I’m so sorry, dear. Are you feeling okay? I really didn’t mean to scare you. Can I help you back up?”

I took a few breaths and felt a little easing of my anxiety, and nodded yes. We got up and she grabbed a towel for us to dry our hands. She led me to the kitchen table and we sat down.

“How… how did you know?” I asked.

“You have a little bit of an Adams Apple, and some rough edges, but I would say you pass very well,” she said, smiling.

My hand went to my throat. Sure enough, there was some poking out there.

“I have never been outside dressed before, Mrs. Chandler, but Sarah felt it was important for us to be here.”

“Call me Marie, honey. I appreciate that you made the effort. But back to my question—are you transgendered?”

“I… I really don’t know, Mrs…. Marie. Sarah asked me once if I wanted to actually be a girl, and I said no. But I have to admit I have been very comfortable dressing up.”

“Mia, a good friend of mine is a gender therapist. I am going to suggest you go see her and find out more about what you really want.”

“Oh, I could never afford that.”

“It would be my treat. As I said, she’s a good friend, and I really think she could help you.”

I looked at her doubtfully. I thought I was just a guy who liked to dress up in girls’ clothes once in a while.

“There are many degrees of transgenderism, dear,” she said, reading my mind. “It might be very helpful to you to know where you fall in the spectrum. Considering my husband and I have our eye out for a job for a young lady, you might want to know if you would actually like to hold a job as a female.”

I nodded yes to that; it had been on my mind as well.

“How long have you been dressing as a girl, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Well, I, um, first tried a dress on when I was about fourteen, but I was only able to do it just a few times. When my parents caught me one day when I was seventeen, they kicked me out of the house and their lives once I turned eighteen.”

She looked at me very sympathetically and took my hand.

“Since then Sarah has been the only good thing in my life.” I thought about that. “Well, that’s not entirely true. A nice lady let me rent out a room in her attic until I moved in with Sarah.”

She smiled. “Well, we think very highly of Sarah too.

“Will you go and see my friend, Mia?”

“Yes, thank you.”

We were just getting up from the table when Sarah came in.

“Everything okay here?” she asked, looking at me.

“Yes,” I smiled. “Everything’s fine.”

I finished up the dishes and both Sarah and her mother dried.

When we were leaving her mother gave us both a very nice hug.

-o0o-

On the drive home Sarah asked me what had happened in the kitchen; she could feel something was different. I told her that her mother knew about me and offered me a session with a gender therapist to see where I fell on the transgender spectrum.

She looked thoughtful.

“Yes, that would probably be useful to know.”

“And your mom mentioned about them looking for a job for a young woman, and did I think I could work as a woman. So it seems like a good idea.”

-o0o-

A year later I had been working at a business office as a file clerk for four months, and I was working as Mia, not Robbie. I was also taking one class a semester at the local community college. The gender therapist had diagnosed me as transgender, but saying I would probably be at ease working either as a male or female. I was still Robbie on occasion—like at church—but I mostly looked a lot more like Mia, having had my hair styled and lightened, and had learned a lot about makeup. I was a lot more confident and happy.

Sarah and I worked close enough to each other to be able to meet for lunch a few times a week. We were getting along incredibly well, and I really loved her. My life would have been so much different without her.

Today we met at a restaurant for lunch when I noticed two women come in. One of them… was my mother, whom I had not seen for well over a year. They were seated a few tables away. I leaned over to Sarah and whispered, “That’s my mother over there,” pointing with my eyes. Her presence there made me very nervous. I was afraid she’d see me and jump up and scream at the whole restaurant that I was a tranny.

Sarah put her hand on mine and said, “Mia, you looking nothing like you looked a year ago. I don’t think you need to be scared of her.”

“It’s just that seeing her brings up so many negative feelings.”

As I finished the sentence I saw her eyes sweep past our table. They never stopped on me. Maybe Sarah was right. This gave me a bit more confidence.

When we were finished with our meal and had paid I had a sort of wicked thought, and I decided to act on it before I could talk myself out of it. As we started toward the exit I stopped ever-so briefly at her table and looked her in the eye.

“I just want to thank you for helping me on my journey to find out who I really am.”

With her mouth gaping open, I then swept out of the place.

“I can’t believe you did that, Mia!” said Sarah, laughing.

“But it’s true. Without them kicking me out, I wouldn’t have had the courage or the impetus to start on this path. I mean, it was really you who saved my life, but I think it was part of a domino effect.

“Do you think she had a clue who I was?”

“That’s something we may never know, honey.”

-o0o-

Back at the restaurant Thelma Parker was still trying to understand why a strange young woman would say that to her. Her friend was as astonished as she was.

“Who was that, Thelma?”

“I have no idea, Cathy! I don’t know what on earth she was talking about!”

But really, deep inside she suspected she did know who it was. That pretty and confident young lady was her son. She had gone along with her husband’s wishes about kicking him out, although it felt wrong to her, very un-Christian. It was only her intervention that stopped Robert from becoming violent. Robert never spoke another word to Robbie in the two months until his eighteenth birthday. She had spent many an hour wondering where he was and how he was getting along. She really wanted to run after him– her, but trying to put herself in his, um, her position, would such a confrontation really be welcome? No doubt Robbie hated her, although she didn’t think he—she looked at her angrily. She would have loved to ask her to come home, but Robert would never go for that. She was just glad to see that she looked as if she was doing well. Maybe some day…

The End.

Continued in Sarah and Mia Part II