The Flower Story
By Sabrina G. Langton

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Author's Note: This is a little bit of autobiographical fiction, just something I have been thinking about. I did go to Germany once, long ago. The little bit of non-fiction is the minor scene at the farmers market with the teenagers, the rock shirts, the lollipops. The grouchy woman was real and I got nervous and confused, my usual state of being, ha. I hope YOU like it.

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When I was in my late twenties I lived briefly with a man in Germany.

He was friends with Wanda a trans girl I had met and become very friendly with. His wife recently died and he was lonely, depressed, he was going to visit the States for a while. We went out a number of times when he visited New York. Four of us, we would double date, I loved it. For three weeks I was his distraction, we went to Broadway shows, expensive restaurants, shopping, we did all the touristy things I wouldn't normally do. I visited the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty for the first time, even though I had lived in NYC my entire life.

I spent the whole three weeks with long gel nails, ha. I spent the entire three weeks as, um, well, 'me.' It was quite wonderful, quite liberating, quite expensive. Then when he was about to leave he invited me to Germany to see his house and country. I would have to take a leave of absence from work, I would have to lie to my family that I got a job somewhere far away. I was scared, nervous, and conflicted. I never did anything without Wanda, without anyone, she spent so many nights trying to convince me to go.

A month later he sent me money to buy more outfits, pay my bills and rent while I would be gone, he said it was a present and had nothing to do with anything else. I told Wanda I didn't want to travel dressed by myself. She told him and he came back to NYC and took me back to Germany with him. I got a doctor's note just in case, but I wasn't embarrassed since I had company. I was going for eight days, I stayed for over two months. I had to sublet my tiny sublet back in New York City, and I never saw it again.

Mmm, I miss that apartment.

***

I was a little disoriented, just a little. I didn't even know why. I closed the car door, I went into the house, I took in the three bags and placed them on the kitchen table. I called, I was wondering where he was. He would usually help me, he would usually come to the market with me.

"Emerson, baby you here?"

I put the cheese, half and half, and yogurt in the fridge. I put the beer for him on the bottom shelf, I put the diet Tonic-Wasser for me in the back behind the half-empty milk container.

I closed the fridge, I closed my eyes, I leaned. I whispered, "Emerson, I'm home." Was I really home? Was this my home? My new home, his old one. I opened my eyes, it didn't look like someplace I would live, it didn't have any of my things on the walls or even on the counters, but it did have my things in the fridge, I was holding the door closed, I wouldn't let anyone inside.

I called again, "Emerson?" I heard the side door. The metal one with the screen, it was loud, made a really weird noise. The first time he took me here, we came in through that door, he parked his car and helped me out. He wanted to show me his home. I never would have imagined it would slowly, very slowly, feel like my home too.

"Baby, you're back, I saw the car,"

He walked in, I loved his accent, I smiled because we always called each other baby. The word was the same in German. He noticed I was less than halfway through the nylon bags filled with soft goods, vegetables, fruit. I was distracted, disoriented, I was lightly shaking, I would tell him what happened.

"Are you okay? Do you need help?"

I made a face, my pink lips tight together, making a little movement, my eyes went up, my shoulders moved slightly. He walked closer he took my hand.

"Are you hiding something in the Kühlschrank?" He was teaching me words, he was trying but I wasn't learning at all. I just smiled, Kühlschrank probably meant the refrigerator, the huge thing I was guarding.

"No, it's just, um, when I was at the market getting these things for you," I looked beyond his body, towards the table, "I was on the line to check out, to pay. There was an older woman, arm in a cast, she looked tired, maybe in a little pain, ya know, I helped her with her things."

"What were you wearing?"

I started rubbing Emerson's shoulders, I looked up at him, I gave him the lips move that I practiced again. My eyes got narrow.

"A blue dress with white flowers, nosy."

"Got it."

"It's the one I am wearing now, do you think I changed in the car?"

"Mmm, you have changed in the car before."

My mouth opened, he was teasing me, I felt a little better. "Well, listen, I wasn't really paying attention, of course, and I put all her things in our bags. Ha, the three bags you gave me, you probably had them forever."

He was smiling at me, he brought me away from the fridge and he turned a chair around, he guided me onto his lap. "You were being nice, that's okay." He fixed my dress.

"Well, technically I am always nice." And I kissed him, he held me tighter, his tongue went into my mouth. His hands went to my padded breasts that were covered by my new blue flowered dress. I stopped kissing him. "Um, can I finish my story?"

"Oh, okay baby, don't mind me."

"So I went and finished up my items, put them in new bags, shook my head at the cashier, and paid. They didn't know why I had your membership card for the store, it made me nervous so I paid them with the money you gave me weeks ago. I grabbed my things and started to leave. Then this beautiful young woman came over to me, she handed me red roses. She said she was performing a random act of kindness." I felt tears start to form in my eyes. I knew my voice was going to get higher. "I was surprised, I thanked her, she made me smile and I forgot where I was going."

I covered my eyes, I felt silly.

"You ended up in someone else's car again?" He laughed, he continued to play with my breasts, and rub my back.

"Yes. I am now on the run." Sniff.

"Hah..."

"So I thanked her, she got closer to me and smelled the roses, I did the same." I closed my eyes, I felt his fingers on my wet cheek. "Then she said goodbye, she told me I have a lovely dress, she says I now match with the flowers. I noticed people were watching us so I smiled and said thank you again, this time in German."

"She spoke to you in English?

"Mmm-mmm. So I got into our car, I was looking at the roses, they were so beautiful. I love flowers, you know me, I have them all over my room, all over my dresses. I started to cry." I put my head on his shoulder, I started to cry again. He rubbed my back and I moved into his body a little more. "I was crying 'cause I realized I wasn't going to see them die, see them whither. They would be in the house sometimes without us and they would die all alone."

He held me a little tighter, he rubbed my back some more. "That's okay, Schätzchen." He knew I was sometimes emotional for no reason, I was going through a phase of some sort here in Germany, he said he liked this side of me. "Um, where are the roses now?"

"In the car, I was so afraid to bring them in. I'm sorry."

I stood. I let him leave the house, I let him leave me guarding the fridge.

He was taking a long time. I moved and looked out the front window, he was talking to his tenants, though he didn't call them that. His friends were two stunning blonde women, older than me, older than Emerson. Katie and Cassandra, they would be married soon, it is the main reason I stayed so long in Germany. They invited me to the wedding, they told me I could be one of their sisters, more blonde.

"Sabrina?" I heard one of them calling me, so I went out the side, with the loud door, I didn't want to sneak up on anyone today. They both smiled when they saw me, I had my arms folded over my chest. Katie was holding the roses. There were others outside, we lived in a busy section of Munich.

"Hi, ladies." I smiled again, I walked closer. "Katie, Cassie, those flowers are for you."

Katie smiled, she was originally from the US, the midwest but I don't remember where. "For us?"

"Mmm, because both of you are wearing such lovely blouses. Both of you are exquisite, more beautiful than any flower."

The three of them laughed, and Katie hugged me. They thought I was being facetious but I was completely serious. It also made me feel better. The four of us put our noses, in the roses, and then Cassie took our picture. I then followed them into their apartment, it was up the stairs, it was right above ours. Sometimes I heard them walking in the morning and I brought up breakfast. I usually made scones or cornbread or biscuits. I usually made plenty. I never made anything German.

I watched them futz around the kitchen, I watched them put the flowers in a ceramic vase, fill with warm water. The two of them trimmed the stems, then they took off most of the leaves. Then they opened a little packet that looked like sugar, they poured it into the water. It made my blue eyes misty, I loved watching them, plus they were always so happy, so positive. The entire time they talked about the dinner they shared last night, the new blender they just bought, the phone calls they made to their parents this morning. They didn't talk about the roses once, everything was done unconsciously, everything just happened, they didn't focus on one task as I did.

I told them how I got the roses.

I told them when I first came to Munich, Emerson and I went shopping together. He wanted me to have things I was used to, food that I loved, food that I would make HIM love. He went to the Fleischer, the butcher, and I went to the little market. I came out before him, I waited by the shopping carts, I stayed out of the way with Emerson's three shopping bags, quite full.

"Hi." I smiled at two teenagers, one was holding a dog, they both had on band T-shirts. The boy had on a KISS shirt, the girl had Pink Floyd, I thought it was nice seeing something I recognized and loved, so far away from, well, my past.

"Hallo"

I smiled, I put down my bags, and bent down. I lightly pet the dog, the two of them were sitting on a little concrete wall. "I love your shirts, I have seen both of those bands in concert."

"Really? Where?"

"In New York, I am from the states." I laughed to myself like they didn't know.

I looked around for Emerson, they kept checking for their mom. I pet their dog some more, it was nice, we talked, they spoke perfect English. I opened my bag, I gave them Tootsie Pops, something I loved. Something I have loved since I was a kid, younger than my new friends. We each had chocolate ones in our mouths.

"Kann ich Ihnen helfen?"

I turned there was an older woman with a cart, she was very close to me. I knew it was their mother. "Hallo"

She looked at me, she looked at the kids sucking their lollipops like me. She said something I didn't understand. They said bye and went to a car. The mother looked at me, I knew what she was thinking, I could sense it. She was looking at my bags, my breasts, then she looked into my eyes. She didn't like me, I could feel it. I wanted her to look at my hands, I had long white nails, I tried to look posh, I had long fingers, small hands. I didn't want her to look into my eyes, she made me uncomfortable. She said something else in German, I could tell she was angry with me, she was angry I was talking to her children, petting her dog, I think. I watched her push the cart closer to her car. She took one more look at me.

I picked up my bags, I felt weird, it was my first time doing anything alone in Germany and it didn't go well. I felt everyone now noticed me, my white nails, my full bags. I searched for Emerson's car, I didn't understand what was taking him so long. Once I found it I closed the door, I kept the bags at my feet, I felt myself slightly cry. I was missing Wanda, I was missing my tiny apartment, I was remembering concerts long ago in New York.

Twenty minutes later an old man chased me out of his car. I found Emerson looking for me, he seemed worried. He took the bags and escorted me to his car. He put the bags in the back, he put on my seat belt, he gave me a hug. I was frozen, I didn't talk the entire ride to his house.

"Katie, how long do roses last in a vase?"

"Ooh, ten days at least if I keep cutting the stems, using flower food, and changing the water. Ten perfect days." She smiled at me. I excused myself, I went downstairs to my home, my new one with Emerson. I grabbed something off the counter, hidden in a cookie jar. They giggled when I gave them Tootsie Pops. Emerson followed me and we talked about roses, I even told them stories about my life in New York. They all told me some of theirs.

Cassie was smiling at me, she was now chewing on the chewy center of her pop. "Almost three weeks in Germany, have any more plans?"

"I do, now." I smiled, I grabbed Emerson's hand. "I am going to perform random acts of kindness. I am going to find a grouchy old man and offer to clean his car. I am going to find two teens with my taste in music and offer to walk their dog, and then I will give their mother a beautiful bouquet of flowers." I didn't realize it, but I had tears in my eyes. "Then I am done."

Katie stood up, she pulled me out of my chair. She wiped my tears on her orange blouse. "You will never be done, come on let's go back to the market, let's get some more roses and Tootsie Pops, ha ha."

We went in Emerson's car, you know the one. The one with that little sign in the back window. It says 'diese Sabrina'

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The End

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