A Sad Little Song
By Sabrina G. Langton

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Author's Note: Just a little music to break up all the words. Just a little fluff to compensate for all the deep ideas, thoughts, and ideas floating around on this site. Just a little laugh to get us ready for the holidays... I hope YOU like it.

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"So, sometimes a song makes me sad."

Linda, my wife, was asking why I was crying. I felt I was crying a lot lately, but in this instance, I had a good excuse, it was a sad song.

"This song is so not sad."

"It is, you are not listening to it correctly." I made the volume a little louder, I even started it over.

'It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sittin' next to me
Makin' love to his tonic and gin'

Linda folded her arms, she gave me that look. We all know that look, that 'You are insane' look. I knew it well. "Sabrina, this song isn't sad in the least, you are overthinking things." She said ha, but it wasn't a laugh, it was like an exclamation point. I felt it in my chest.

"No listen," We didn't move, we hovered over my phone. It was getting a little wet, I wiped it with a paper towel.

'He says, "Son can you play me a memory?
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes"'

"See it even has sad in the lyrics." I stood up, I was trying to make a point.

"I'm not buying it, just admit you want to cry." She lowered the volume on my phone, and she did it so fast I was amazed, I found it such a difficult thing to do. She put it back against the mirror.

I sat back down, a little bench, there was a little clink sound as it shifted. I did that thing where I breathed out really long like I was exasperated like I was on the verge of a major crisis. Linda was suddenly quiet, I was surprised she was so argumentive today of all days.

"It's okay if you're sad, ya know, I think it's quite comforting." She sat next to me, her dress was really pouffy, it took her a while to fix it so she could sit comfortably. I was jealous. "Get it all out now, I don't want you making a spectacle of yourself."

"A spectacle?"

"Yeah of yourself. Again."

I made my mouth really small, smushed my cranberry lips together, and squinted my eyes. I decided I wasn't going to have this conversation, I was going to let her admire my lashes, I wasn't going to make a scene.

"I could make a scene, you know."

"Mmm, I know." She shook her head in affirmative, she checked her nails. "Hmm, I don't think I like this color, I think it clashes."

"With what?"

"With YOU!" She moved quickly to my phone again, she made it even louder. She sang with Billy...

"Sing us the song, you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright"

"Ha, ya see, totally enlightening, he is making everyone totally happy, and everyone is feeling alright. Um right?"

"I guess," An older woman walked in, she was holding a little girl's hand, she didn't want to discuss Billy Joel with Linda.

"Sabrina, you should be happy too. This day is for us. Come on stand up let me see that dress."

I stood, I spun. My dress was so much shorter than hers, it was also so much pinker.

I knew what she was really thinking. But I WAS happy. I was overjoyed. I sat back down this time on the porcelain, I was tempted to close the door. I couldn't help it if sometimes I was sad. Sometimes we would be watching a movie, I would have tears rolling down my cheeks, messing up my mascara, blurring my vision. Sometimes I would be in the middle of a chapter, I would be cooking dinner, waiting for something to boil and I would start to cry. Those recipe books could be quite profound, those pictures so enlightening. I don't know, it was the way I felt and it was just something I did lately. Sometimes biscuits made me cry. Things were changing so fast, moving too quickly, life was going to be so different after today. Phew.

"Is there room?" I heard someone else ask. It was getting crowded. I accidentally made eye contact with the little girl. I made a quick smile, but I was guessing it looked a little weird cause she pointed at me as she walked by the stall.

"Grandma that lady gave me a look."

"That's okay," said Grandma, "You can give it back when we leave." Whoosh.

Sometimes I listened to a song. Sometimes it made me cry. I closed the door, I put fingers over my eyes, my long nails touching my perfect eyebrows. I needed this cry, I didn't have to explain myself. Do I ask Linda about all of her emotions? Did I ask her why she was so happy when she came home from that long weekend in the Poconos? Who goes to the freaking Poconos anymore? Did I ask her why she was so quiet during dinner last week? I mean I wanted to but I knew she didn't want to tell me anything, I knew she didn't want to talk. I knew she was keeping a secret, she had that glow. Did I get angry with her over dinner with all of our friends weeks ago, when she called me a drama queen, said I was too self-obsessed and didn't care about her or anyone else? I knew what she was remembering, but I was younger than her, I was confused. I needed guidance, not name-calling. Did I not put my arm around her, kiss her cheek, like she wasn't being mean to me after she said I couldn't call her my wife anymore? Of course I did, I was good like that, plus, I was a great friend and here she was making fun of me because a song was making me cry. I kept on crying, I tried to cry louder.

"I am not hearing your sobs, Sabrina." She was acting so cool, she was three years older than me and she thought she was so cool, always. "I am staying positive on this wonderful day."

Just because she had great hair, two X chromosomes, and three pairs of Louboutins that didn't fit me. Of course, she was wearing one now. She has smaller feet on purpose.

"Show off!"

"Oh, excuse me." I heard someone else, someone else needed to use the ladies' room. I heard a door, someone else would be able to hear me cry so I stopped mid-sniff.

'It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about life for a while'

"I don't hear you singing anymore Linda," I called out, I didn't want the others to think I was talking to them. I pushed the door open, I wanted to see the crowd. I wanted them to know it wasn't locked, it's not like I was purposely making a scene. We were in the bathroom for chrissakes, a dirty one at that, and bathrooms were made for making scenes.

I saw her, she was fixing her lips, she was my wife for six years, we were quite happy. Sometimes she let me watch her put on her makeup, her mascara, sometimes she would let me brush her hair. Unfortunately, her heels were within viewing distance, taunting me.

She got up and walked toward me. I moved up and closed the door again, I turned that little metal thingy, I locked it.

Knock, knock. "Hi, can Sabrina come out to play?"

She made me smile. I loved her, I will always love her, but sometimes things change. We became friends, I didn't want to be her lover anymore. I turned the lock, she opened it and watched me sitting on the toilet, my pale pink dress wrapped tightly around my body, my darker high heels making too much noise as I tapped the heels. She wiggled her fingers.

I didn't want to stand up but the chorus started again, how dare they. I had to sing, we had to sing with Billy, he was quite demanding. Who cares if everyone was going to watch, well at least those who weren't peeing.

"Sing us the song, you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright"

We giggled, a couple of others chimed in, "Oh, la, la-la, di-di-da. La-la di-di-da da-dum"

"See, no reason to be sad. Tomorrow I will be in Aruba with Jim, and you will probably be making loud love with Griffin on MY bed, on MY comforter that I picked out. You will probably spill wine on the sheets again, get makeup all over the pillowcases and then forget to make it in the morning. Oh, and leave coffee rings all over the nightstand."

I just looked, I started to cry again, "I'm sorry we did that." I could tell she was going to cry too but she didn't want to ruin her makeup. We hugged instead.

She patted my back, she ran her hand through my red hair. "I know, it's okay, it was always okay. And I love that he loves you." She smiled, a woman pushed her more into me, more into my breasts, we almost fell back over the little bench.

"Excuse me again."

Linda shook her head, she made a face at the bulky woman. She adjusted her boobs in the pouffy dress. "Ooh, ya know what, actually it's your bed now."

I looked up quickly, "Is it?" I perked up, I got a little excited.

"Well it's in the house, you are the one that's going to be living there, you can sleep wherever you like. You can wipe as much makeup on the pillowcases as you want."

"Can I?"

"Ha, you can."

"And you and Jim can visit, you can stay over, sleep in that great bedroom that used to be yours, well after I move out for the night." We saw more people coming in and leaving, we were getting a little jostled. "Can I wear your blue nightgown? You know the one, with the fringes."

Linda made a face. "Um, that is already in your closet, haven't you been wearing that for years, I consider it yours." She smiled as I tapped her perfect nose. We heard someone calling us. I quickly grabbed my phone off the sink, I shut off Billy, it was time to go but the lady with the little girl was blocking the exit to the door.

"Grandma, is this lady getting married or sumpin?"

They looked at us, they moved away from the mirror, they let us pass.

I started the 'Wedding March' on my phone. I only had two songs, that and 'Piano Man,' we needed a waltz for the first dance.

The little girl was watching me futz with the phone, I tried to smile at her, but I wasn't doing a good job of it. I was thinking I was supposed to be somewhere, I was too busy making love with Griffin the night before to come to the wedding practice. Linda didn't even get angry at me, she figured I was in love, she thought it was cute until she got home and saw the pillowcases, the sheets, and the night table.

The Grandma started talking to us as we opened the door to make our escape. "Hey, who gets married at Denny's anyway? And on a Tuesday. What, all the pizza places are closed?" The little girl laughed.

I just shrugged, what did it matter? When Linda and I got married, before I transitioned, when I looked more male, we were in a huge church, with over a hundred guests. And how did that work out, you might ask. It worked out okay, it was fine, but Denny's had a special, two for one on Tuesdays.

I followed Linda into the dining room, passing the working waitresses, watching all of our friends, it's better, it was more intimate now than when we were in a church all those years ago. It will be easier to make a scene. They were all shaking their heads, laughing, they knew things weren't going to go smoothly, they knew there would be a little drama, come on, there had to.

I covered the little speaker on my phone, I made the organ music a little lower. "Linda?"

"Yeah."

"I am never going to forgive you for not letting me wear white, ya know."

She giggled, "Tough, rock paper scissors, baby." And she started singing as we walked to the front of the restaurant. I joined in with her and so did the grooms.

"Sing us the song, you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright"

Once we made it next to the cashier, closer to the ferns, we read our vows. Our new husbands got to kiss their new brides, and I cried again, I was thinking about our song. Maybe it's not as sad as I thought, but I am still going to make a scene later anyway.

'Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright'

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The End

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