A New Style of Education

by Karen Page

Part 68

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Part 68

Thursday 6th April 2006

It wasn't until Thursday that I got to sit down with the newest member of the support staff. Erika and Martha told me she seemed easy to talk to. So I was quite relaxed when I went to see her.

"Please take a seat," she said, indicating the settee.

"Thank you, Dr Saunders."

She wasn't in Dr Dines room but was in the room that I'd seen Dr Ellen Hansen use the one time I'd visited her. The settee might have been the same that Ellen had used, but the room had been moved around. There were two single recliners facing the settee. Totally different from the type of chair Rachel used.

I sat down and looked across as Dr Saunders took station on her recliner. She gazed across at me where I sat, my hands in my lap waiting for her to talk. After several seconds, she raised her right eyebrow. I patiently waited for her to make the first move.

"Thank you for coming to see me," she eventually started. "And as you do with all the other psychiatrists here, I'd prefer you to call me Hilda. Is that okay?"

"Yes," I nodded, in acceptance.

"Great. Now, I'm trying to meet the pupils before ploughing through the files. Make my own first impression. This isn't a therapy session. It's just a break the ice session where you can ask me questions and I can ask you a few too."

I waited, just as Stacy had taught me.

"So, tell me about Hayfield Manor."

That wasn't in the top five in my list of opening lines that I thought she would ask.

"The main building was built in 1723. The west wing was changed in 1787."

I talked for a few minutes about the building, and she sat patiently listening to me. When I stopped, she smiled and asked, "Are there any secret passages?"

"Probably, but if everybody knew where they were, they wouldn't be secret, would they?"

"Very good," she laughed, but the tone was rather pointed. "You've managed to avoid telling me anything about the school, by telling me about the building."

She enquired, "What do you already know about the school?"

She looked a bit sad. "Virtually every pupil I've talked to, seems to want to know what I already know. It's like there might be secrets that they don't want to discuss."

"Some pupils find it hard to trust someone that is new. Even for us in year one, we've had months to learn to trust support staff with feelings we ourselves don't sometimes want to think about. I know of two pupils that were raped before joining the school, and several that suffered mental abuse."

The new psychiatrist looked at me rather surprised. "That was a rather blunt statement."

"It seems I've gone from avoiding a topic to being rather forceful." I didn't apologise.

"It might have been a blunt statement, but it was straight to the heart of the situation. So, what do I know about the school? Before I joined, I was told it was a unique educational boarding school where the pupils were intelligent but didn't thrive in their old school. I was told that some of the pupils were LGBT. I wasn't informed, until I arrived on Monday, that the school assisted when a pupil needed to transition and, against the UK standards of care, provided cross-sex hormones."

"And you're okay with that? Doesn't it go against your teaching?"

"You're getting close to the boundary on what I think is an appropriate question, but I will answer. I was shown documents on the school treatment plans, the checks and balances, and the outcomes. After that, and some soul searching, I agree for those that have been diagnosed to the high standards set by the school, then it is the best course.

She continued, "I will give you something personal. My ex-boyfriend is now called Eve, and she is one of my best friends. I saw what it was like for her to get the appropriate treatment, and how some people treated her. If people have a safe environment to transition and become the person they should be, then why would I object?"

I reflected on what she said. In my mind, if it was true, and not a line, it showed a certain faith. But just because she knew a transsexual, it doesn't follow that she would be able to be objective on all our different issues.

"When I walked into the room, you recognised me."

"Rather like you recognised me at breakfast. I don't know what you whispered to the person on the neighbouring table, but that whisper spread like wildfire around all the tables."

"And since then, you've chatted with quite a few students. Didn't you ask any of them?"

"There seems to be a collective amnesia on what was said. Perhaps you could enlighten me."

"It was quite straightforward. I mentioned what I'd seen you do on Saturday. If you deliberately moved to stop him, I'm unsure. However, I am sure you deliberately knocked him down again in a way that the police thought was accidental."

She gave a slight smile. She was trying to work me out.

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?" I enquired.

"Always. Discussions with me is always a two-way street."

"When you saw me on Saturday, I doubt it was for very long. We weren't between the phone shop and coffee shop for long. Without using your knowledge of who we are now, can you describe your impressions of me and the people I was with? "

Dr Saunders thought for a minute and sighed. "I don't think that's fair. As you said, it was only for a moment."

"It's only what your impression was. Are you frightened of articulating it, because you think you might upset me? What if your impression makes me happy?" I paused and decided to skirt around it a bit. "What about the people with me, can you describe them?"

She must have thought this was safer ground. "You were with a male and female in their late teens, and a female who looked your age."

"For a fleeting glance, you have quite a memory."

"I'm sure you've been told this before, that a psychiatrist is supposed to be detached. Our thoughts or points of view aren't supposed to come into the conversation. I'm here to be impartial, listen to what you say and perhaps suggest ways to look at a problem. There is an old saying – 'Don't judge a book by its cover'. Yes, I might have had some impressions, but I think looking at the contents is much more enlightening."

"Sorry if I caused conflict," I apologised. "I'm used to dealing with Rachel."

"Would she have answered your impressions question?"

I paused to reflect. "Probably not. You've not reviewed my file yet? "

"No. As I said earlier, I like to make my own thoughts based on our discussion. I can then compare them with what's in the file."

I thought for a moment. It would have been very easy for Dr Saunders to say she had seen me as male. However, she seemed to prefer to avoid telling a lie, even if it meant blatantly telling me she wouldn't answer.

"You already know I'm called David. I was born male, but it seems I've always come across as female. This made my time at my previous school precarious. I think I'm the first at this school where I ended up as a study partner with someone I already knew. Helen went to the same school as me."

"I've been here four days and I'm not blind. How many in the school use the term study partner and not just partner?"

"Probably none. We start as study partners, but-" I tailed off. I didn't need to go into specifics. I probably blushed a bit, which told her all she needed to know.

"What do you think is the best thing about the school?"

I thought and it was almost a minute before I managed to decide how to phrase what I thought I needed to say. "Besides the music, and the standard of education, I would have to say the care and support. Not just from the visible and invisible staff, but the other students."

"Invisible staff?"

"Caretakers, cooks, cleaners etc. Without them the school wouldn't run. They're just as important as the teachers, and support staff. I've met two of the kitchen staff, but no caretakers or cleaners, yet I know they exist."

"I heard the orchestra practice the other day. I stood in the wings and listened. I was very impressed. Yet I'm told that you have done your concerts and won't be doing another until next school year. So why do you still have orchestra practice?"

"Music is the heart of the school. It is something we do together, as the whole school. To me it makes my soul sing. Music relaxes me, and it gives us all a common purpose. It instigates teamwork, which many in year one might not have had."

"That sounds almost a prepared answer."

"Not really. I know it sounds old, but we're encouraged to think, and ask questions. I was held back at my previous school, where bullies would beat up others who were more intelligent.

"You mentioned that at your previous school you had issues because even though you were male, people perceived you as female. What have you done about that since joining this school?"

"I've spent time in a female role, but that didn't feel right. I've had male lessons to help me portray as male. Again, it didn't feel right. But when I'm just me I'm happiest, unless somebody calls me Jayne. That is when it hurts the most. I also struggle to talk about my feelings on that subject. It's hard to discuss, when you don't understand why you feel the way you do."

I looked down. I felt my heartbeat starting to rise, as I remembered back to the time just before the Russian trip. I don't know why, but I started to talk about my year so far, it started to feel cathartic.

I continued, still looking down. "The conflict I had, led me to get into a vicious circle. I lied to Helen and told her I was okay, when I wasn't. As I gradually felt worse, I found I couldn't tell her the truth, as I was only a little worse than the previous day. When I hit rock bottom, I felt I couldn't tell anybody, and planned to kill myself. My distress was noticed by a few in my year, and they stopped me."

I paused and after a few seconds ventured to look up. I expected to see a look of revulsion, or a look of shock; but she was sat there with the same expression as earlier.

"What did you learn from that?"

"Not to lie, or keep secrets, especially from your partner. It is hard when you have lived your life hidden in your bedroom to not get beaten up."

"Has that lesson stuck?"

I gave a slight sigh. "Yes, though I did learn a painful lesson that no secrets shouldn't just apply to my life with Helen. Sometimes keeping things bottled up just causes confusion and invalid conclusions."

For the first time I saw slight signs of puzzlement on Dr Saunders face.

"Polyamorous."

That got a raised eyebrow, in a similar fashion to what Rachel does when she was surprised. I wondered if that was training or just a spooky coincidence.

"Just so that I don't get anything wrong, do you mind me asking whom?"

"Stacy and I have feelings for each other. Helen and Andy have feelings for each other. To me, Andy is just a good friend. Since sex at this school is forbidden, and Helen and I are underage, nothing can happen. I don't think many pupils at the school know. The support team do, and I'm sure you will read it when you peruse our files. Dr Sue was also told, so Andy and Stacy could visit Helen, when she was in hospital."

"What would you say the biggest help you've had, besides the suicide issue?"

"I felt sick when I thought that sex was a possibility. In fact, I vomited a few times. It took quite a while to discover what made me feel ill and even longer to fully understand why. What I regard as 'selfish arousal', such as masturbation, still affects me. But I've realised that sex is a shared experience that we both enjoy and isn't selfish. I don't have the same bad reaction for something not selfish."

"You said so earlier, but I will remind you that underage sex is illegal."

I nodded. "And the school are very forthright about that. Mr Hobson reminding us that the school isn't a brothel, isn't something I will ever forget, or want to hear him mention again."

"Yet you discovered you had this issue about being sick. Can you honestly tell me you haven't had sex?"

"As they say in America, 'I plead the fifth'."

Hilda took a moment to gather her thoughts and then continued. "If I can take things back a bit. You said you didn't like portraying as male or female, but when people mistake you for female when you are just you then you feel the worst. Have you found something that does make you happy? You don't seem sad today."

"On Saturday I had a revelation. It has been something I've been exploring over the last few days. I've not had the chance to mention this to Rachel yet."

"And?"

"I am coffee."

"I see," she uttered. There was a pause. "I think this is going to be quite involved. Why don't I get Rachel? That way, you only need to explain it once. Would you prefer it if Helen or Stacy was with you?"

I glanced up with surprise, and then felt sudden gratitude. "Thank you for including both of them in your idea for support."

"Why don't you contact them, while I ask Rachel."

I knew that Helen was discussing Beta business with both Andy and Stacy. Therefore, a message sent would soon get responded to. We had a chat group that I'd configured to be the four of us, which I sent a message outlining what was going to be discussed. A message was responded almost immediately. "Two minutes."

"Rachel will be with us in a moment," informed Hilda from her chair, putting her PDA away.

"Thank you for the suggestion. I think saying this only once will be a good idea."

It wasn't long before there was a knock on the door. "That's Rachel."

Hilda went and opened the door. It was indeed Rachel.

No sooner than the door had closed there was another knock. "That's Helen."

"How?" murmured Hilda, as Rachel strode into the room.

"David has a knack at recognising door knocks," explained Rachel, as Hilda opened the door to not find just Helen, but Andy and Stacy too.

"Can we all join David?" Helen asked.

"This is something I didn't expect," remarked Hilda.

"It's a first for me too," added Rachel, taking a seat on the spare recliner. "I don't mind, if you don't."

Hilda shrugged and all three of them came in. Stacy sat to my left, and Helen to my right. Andy took one of the hard chairs and sat at the end.

"I'm just here so Stacy doesn't have to repeat it," explained Andy. "We all know the rules and will be quiet while you help David."

Rachel took charge. "David, Hilda mentioned to me that during her 'get to know each other' chat, you mentioned that you'd had a revelation. You'd discovered something that stopped you being upset about people mistaking your gender.

"Yes. I said to Hilda 'I am coffee'."

I felt Helen and Stacy move closer and their arms went around my back.

"That's a new one," said Rachel looking me over, and seeing I was sincere. "I presume that is an analogy?"

"It doesn't matter how the coffee is made or served, it is still coffee. It doesn't matter how I dress, or how I look. I'm still me. I don't have to change who I am because no matter how I look, or how I act, or how I dress, or how others see me; I am me."

I had a head of steam and had to get the rest out. "I know you have said that to me numerous times, and so has Helen, Stacy and Andy, that the school doesn't change the core me. Yet I always had a fear that if I experimented, and did something different from how I grew up, then I would no longer be me. I thought about things over the last few days, and realised my biggest worry was losing control on who I am."

"So, with this revelation, who are you?"

"He's coffee!" chorused Stacy and Helen in unison.

"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Rachel light-heartedly. "So, David. I saw you were dressed as Jayne on Tuesday, and you were very masculine in your presentation yesterday. Was this part of your experimentation? "

I nodded.

"Now you know you are you. Have you found any presentation that makes you happy?"

"Yes." I felt almost giddy saying this.

Helen, Stacy and Andy looked at me in amazement. I'd not told them this. In fact, I'd only just realised it now. Just telling Rachel out loud had brought all my musings of the last few days together.

"Which is?" Rachel queried, leaning forward.

"Everything. It doesn't matter. I'm David Grant. I can present as Jayne, but deep down, I will still be David. I can present as fully male, and I will still be me. I'm not changing who I am. I'm me. I found it hard being Jayne with the wrong voice. When my voice has settled, I'd like help in finding her adult voice. Yesterday it took me a little time to get back into using my male lessons, so got called Jayne a few times before breakfast and even that didn't bother me."

I turned to Hilda. "Sorry, our chat seems to have got side-tracked."

"Not at all. It is good to see what really happens here. I think I'm really looking forward to working here."

I smiled and said, "Welcome to Hayfield Hall."

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