When I was in fifth grade the schools still did the Halloween parade.
On the afternoon of the Friday before Halloween or on the
actual day when it was not on a weekend we would have a party and
everyone would put on their costumes. Then we would have a parade all
the way around the school and across the stage. The line of kids in
costume would snake through each class room and then at the end of the line
that class would join up. When the first class got back to their room
they would sit down and all the other classes would walk past.

Anyway when I was in fifth grade my costume was Prince Caspian from the
Chronicles of Narnia. My big sister had made my costume that year and had
done a pretty good job. My dad and I had made a wooden sword too. With my
slightly long "Beatles" hair cut, my green tunic, tights and slippers
I thought I looked pretty much like the character in the cover art on
"The Silver Chair", book four of the series. We were all sharing a
paperback box set of the books that my big sister got for her birthday the
previous year.

We were sitting in our classroom all on edge and excited. Wearing our
costumes and looking forward to our chance to join the parade. There
were lots of grocery store costumes of superheros, barbies and so on.
We never got that kind of costume. Instead my mom or my sister would
make costumes for all three of us kids. Anyway there were a few
other "home made" costumes too. A Raggedy Anne, Two princesses, A
Tinkerbell, a vampire, A bride, a baseball player or two, A foot ball
player, that was my girl friend, Wendy. Maybe a few others I was
forgetting.

Anyway back to my story. One of my new friends this year was from
another class. His name was Danny. We met on the play ground after
lunch. We started sitting at the same table at lunch. I found out
that his mom drove him to school and other stuff like that.

One day we were talking about Halloween since it was coming up next
week.

"What are you going to be for Haloween?" He asked me.

"I'm going to be Prince Caspian. From the Chronicles of Narnia." I
said.

"What's that?" He asked.

"My sister got some books about this place called Narnia." I said.

"Oh. You are going to be a prince?" he asked

"Yeah. With a sword and everything I added."

"Oh. I guess that's cool." He said.

"What are you going to be?" I asked.

"You'll have to wait and see." He said.

"Ah, that's no fair!" I said.

"Mom and I have been working on my costume for a while." he said.

"But what is it?" I asked again.

"Watch out for me when I come past during the parade." He said.

I couldn't get anything else out of him.

Like I said, the Halloween costume parade winds it's way through all
the class rooms in the school.

I had no idea what Danny's costume was. But he said I should just wait
and see. After the little kids had gone through our grade started
filing past. It was then that I saw a very pretty girl our age.
She was dressed like a bit of a hippy but not too different that what
girls would wear to school in those days. She had shoulder length dark
blond hair that flipped a little at the bottom. She wore a colorful
headband and a billowy peasant blouse, India print skirt. Knee length
lace up boots with a bit of a heel. She had on lots of bead necklaces
and bracelets, finger rings and a pair of big hoop earrings. I could not
help notice her. Her eye lids glowed with bright colors and long lashes.
She had rosy cheeks and cute pink lips. She was beautiful and she was
looking at me like I was her friend. She waved her hand at me and I
waved back. That's when I noticed that she had painted fingernails too.
She was beautiful. And she seemed to like me. When she walked past my
chair she said "Hi Chris, It's me." I gaped. This beautiful girl that
I had fallen in love with was Danny, my friend from the other class. I
was shocked by how good he looked dressed up like that. Up close I
could almost recognize him. Still it was amazing. He was beautiful.

"Wow!" I said.

He just giggled.

I said "Hi, Danny"

He said "Hi, Chris."

He waved bye when he walked out of the room. I guess he knew that my
eyes had followed him the whole way. And then he was gone.

Our class joined in the parade at the end. We toured around the school
and across the stage in our auditorium line usual. And then back to
our classes where we had our little classroom party.

Kool-aid, cookies that someone's mother brought. I guess it was fun.

It was pretty odd though. I don't remember ever seeing Danny at school
again after that day. Neither did I ever see the girl that he had become
on that Halloween again. I asked my mom about Danny. She said that
she did not know who I was talking about. It seemed like he just
disappeared.

Over the years there were other boys that dressed as girls or wore
girls costumes for Halloween but Danny was the first that I had taken
special notice. He had made me see something about myself too. He made
me realize something that has become a part of my core ever since then.
I wanted to play dress up. I wanted to wear girls outfits and look like
a girl. Even though I was a boy I wanted to try to look like a girl.
I did not think that I was a girl in a boys body or that I wanted to
become a girl But I did want to try and look like a girl. I knew that
it was wrong so I never talked about about it. But it was always there.
Just under the covers. I wanted to dress up and try to look like a
girl. To be treated like a girl. Just once.

It must have been that same Halloween when Mom had asked once if I could
re-use one of my sisters costumes. The princess, Pippi Longstocking,
Raggedy Anne, or maybe Tinkerbell.

"You'd be so cute in one of these costumes, Chris." Mom had said.

"Gross. I don't want to be a girl!" I had said. Now after Halloween
was over I was thinking differently about that.

At the time I though it was a gross idea. But then on Halloween I had
seen Danny. Until I saw Danny look like he did I had always said "no" to
using my sister's costumes. But now, after that fifth grade Halloween
parade, I changed my mind.

I started to take special notice of girls and girls clothes. I noticed
more about how they dressed and acted. I had lived with two sisters my
whole life so I had seen girls in all different kinds of outfits and
levels of dress. But something had changed in my thinking. I began
to wonder what it would be like to wear some of their outfits. I began
to wonder what it would be like to be seen looking like a girl, to be
treated like a girl. May be I was jealous of my sisters.

My sisters had been attendant and flower girl at a cousin's wedding
that next summer before sixth grade. Both had worn beautiful white
rayon dresses. Cara's with a green sash and hem and Amy's with a blue
sash and hem. My mom had made the dresses. I had watched the whole
process. Selecting the pattern and fabric. Pinning and cutting,
sewing the parts together. Trying them on, fitting and pinning the
hem. My Little sister Amy complained about it a lot. "Why do I have
to look just like my sister!" she said.

"It's your aunt's choice." Mom said. "You get to be in her wedding.
So you get to match your sister and the other girls that will be
there."

I wanted to wear a beautiful dress like that too. I was too old to be
ring bearer and too young to be a groomsman. I wore a suit coat and
tie to that wedding and helped the ushers and helped set tables.

I was sitting with mom and dad when the wedding march started on the
organ.

Cara was the last brides maid to walk down and Amy walked down the
isle with her new cousin Darren who was the right age to be ring
bearer.

I thought all the girls were pretty but my aunt was the prettiest. Her
gown was beautiful.

We had a costume cupboard in our playroom/tv room at home. Most of our
old Halloween costumes were in there. Mostly though it was my sisters
costumes. Boy costumes tend to be less persistent. They were made
out of cardboard or maybe a few props and my regular clothes. A few
smaller parts were there. There were tunics and helmets and stuff. But
my robot and crab costumes were pretty much gone after a year or so.
With two sisters there were twice as many girl costumes than there
were boy costumes. There were also a couple of mom's old prom dresses
from when she was in high school in the 50's. I decided that I was
going to start my experimentation in the costume cupboard.

I was in the playroom alone and was looking through the costumes. I
guess both my sisters were elsewhere. Mom was working Dad is always
working so I was alone. This was my chance and I took it.