Another Side of My Life Chapter 19

By Julie D Cole

‘But Jack it’s difficult. I can’t take the risk of falling in love when I’m already engaged to Chris.’

‘Jules it’s time for you to let your true feelings out. I have seen the body language and received all the signals. I know you want more than a friendship.’

‘But Jack you’ll hate me forever. I shouldn’t have let this go so far.’

‘I’m hot for you and what’s wrong with us sleeping together if I promise to be gentle.’

‘But Jack I can never satisfy you. It’s physically impossible. I just can’t risk hurting you. Let’s calm down. It’s just the alcohol.’

‘I don’t need alcohol to release my feelings for you. If it helps then I’ll respect your space and I’ll leave it up to you whether or not you want to share my side of the bed.’

‘Jack honestly I can’t.’

‘In that case it’s probably best if you do head home tomorrow. I thought I’d found the person who I could share my life with when you accepted my help.’

I couldn’t stop the tears falling down my cheeks. Why was I so emotional? Why was I falling in love with a man? I could never be the woman he deserved. I couldn’t live like I had this last few days Even if Jack accepted me he would be ridiculed just as much as me when it leaked out. Would he accept me anyway? What would mum think? What about my job? What would Debs think and Sarah too who wanted to be my bestie?

‘Look Jules if you are so scared then maybe tonight you take the sofa and you can then leave early tomorrow before I get up. I’ll get the sheets and the spare duvee and your case.’

‘Jack please. I’m sorry I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.’

‘No neither did I. You just fell out of the sky. I thought my luck had changed when I found the bar opportunity and moved into this place. I can see that I was fooling myself. You use the bathroom first and I’ll get your stuff.’

‘OK Jack, if that’s what you want. I never meant to hurt you. I’ll be gone out of your life in the morning. I promise.’

He looked as upset as I felt but without the tears. When I entered the bathroom I looked at the mascara running down my cheeks. So much for waterproof. I used wipes to clean my face removing my lipstick as well as the mascara. I still looked feminine that pleased me. My nightgown and pyjama top and shorts were hanging where I’d left them so at least I didn’t need to go back in the lounge wrapped in a towel. I felt a little better after the shower as I cleaned my teeth.

I shouted OK as I passed Jacks bedroom door and saw Jack had made up my bed and left my suitcase alongside. I switched off the main lights and left a lamp lit that was on the side-table alongside the couch and in reach. I slipped under the duvee and lay back reflecting on what I’d just done. I heard Jack go back into his bedroom and saw the light around the edge of his door extinguish. I burst into tears again. I was totally stupid for thinking this trip to London would be fun and let me enjoy the experience. It felt like a slow torture.

I tossed and turned for an hour or so before deciding I needed a milky drink to counter the effects of the whisky and help me fall asleep. There was a container of Horlicks on the work surface and whilst I find it sickly it was better than coffee or straight milk. I sat and sipped it and glanced towards the photo of ‘Jacks sister.’ He looked so cute as a teenage girl but he’d obviously filled out. At least he had experienced what it was like to be a woman so maybe that’s why he seemed to understand them better than most men. I felt I’d learned a lot too, especially this week. I felt that it should help me a lot back at work where men were outnumbered 2 to 1.

I tried my best to sleep but I just tossed and turned. Eventually I was so frustrated that I picked up my phone and checked my list of messages. There was one from mum and another from Debs lost amongst lots of rubbish messages promoting hotel accommodation, holidays and all manner of shopping deals. The message from mum was just checking on me but Debs had been talking with Jack and she wanted a chat. I couldn’t respond to either at 2am in the morning so it would have to wait. I’d had several WeChat messages from Sarah earlier that I’d answered and she was just letting me know how much she was missing me and that they’d heard that Laura and Jane had arrived home tail between their legs.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Jack and the feeling I’d had when we kissed. I was convinced that I had been born the correct gender so I must be gay and it scared me because of the way I’d seen fellow students treated through school and college. I googled about same sex relationships and then about crossdressing and transgender issues. I definitely fell into the transgender spectrum but how far? I had liked this experience apart from the constant nervousness and fear of making a mistake and being publicly challenged. I hated myself when I thought about how I had misled Jack so far. I just wanted to stay as his friend but only if I could be Julie and for him to treat me like he had done.

This was stupid. He must know surely. I’m not a woman and I must have made hundreds of mistakes this week. He’d tried to give me chance to tell him about myself and he’d been open with me. I acted like a girl and now I’d even cried like a girl in front of him. I wondered if he was so angry that he couldn’t sleep. I looked at a site that said the 7 best questions to ask yourself to determine if you loved someone, same sex or not. I loved him and I tried to ask the same questions on his behalf. No negatives and maybe two I was not sure about.

Another 30 minutes had passed with no sign of me falling asleep. What was the worst that could happen if I was truthful? He’d hit me? No I don’t think he would. He’d shout at me? He might. He’d throw me out? No he’d just let me leave as planned so he already had in effect. He’d never speak to me again? I couldn’t bare that pain. He’d tell everybody I was a man dressing as a woman? He’d never hold me and kiss me again? Maybe there was a chance if I was truthful.

I tossed my phone to the end of the sofa and cast aside the duvee. I was so frustrated so no wonder I couldn’t sleep. I did not want to just pack up and leave. I wanted to see him not to run away. I wanted to know one way or the other if we could stay friends. I wanted to know we might at least see each other again. I couldn’t go back to my life at home and regret my rejection of an invitation to take our relationship to another level.

I decided to find out if he was having trouble sleeping so I would go to him. I tapped on his door as gently as I could that was a bit stupid really. What did I expect? No answer so I went in and even though there wasn’t much light I could see that he was fast asleep. Maybe he didn’t really care about me after all. Since he was asleep I thought I would get into his bed and see if I could sleep in the comfort of a matress. It was wide enough to keep us apart until he woke up.

I turned my back away from him facing the wall. I must have been half asleep when I turned over to sleep on my left side that is my preferred position and I sensed someone moving about. I opened one eye to see it was Jack who must have been returning from the bathroom.

‘Are you awake?’

‘Yes’

‘So you changed your mind?’

‘Yes I felt awful and I couldn’t get to sleep.’

‘Well I’m glad you did. The couch is not so comfy is it?’

‘Not really but I had too much going on in my mind.’

‘So do you want to talk about it?’

‘At this time?’

‘What better time? No interruptions here it’s just the two of us.’

‘But look it’s 4am You need your rest.’

He leaned over and propped himself up on his elbow. Even in the subdued light I could see his eyes and his lips. He made to kiss me and I tried to turn a little so he kissed my cheek rather than my lips. He reached and stopped me and his lips found mine. I couldn’t pull away so he did.

‘Just relax. I think you are beautiful and you look so innocent and a little scared. Why?’

‘I’m just ashamed of myself. I’ve let this go too far. I couldn’t stop myself. You have been so sweet to me.’

‘Shh, just relax and let me hold you. We don’t need to talk until you feel that you want to.’

He laid back and let me rest my head on his shoulder. I stretched my neck so my face was close searching for his lips and he responded and I pushed the tip of my tongue between his lips searching for his. I didn’t want us to stop. I loved him. I felt his manhood grow as he pushed towards his stomach my tummy. I reached to hold him and he wrapped his hand around mine to ensure I didn’t change my mind and withdraw. He was rock hard and I moved my hand up and down the shaft causing him to breathe heavily.

Then I didn’t know what came over me. I disappeared under the duvee and kissed him gently and took him in my mouth as far as I dare. What was driving me to do this I’d never even contemplated it before and it came so naturally. He tried to stop himself from ejaculating but I had control and he had earned his release. He just exploded and tried to capture everything in his hands. He reached for a tissue that I took from him and I cleaned him as best I could. I kissed him all over his face to make him smile and then I lay on his shoulder and we fell to sleep.

Jack was awake first and got out of bed to make some tea. I moved into his warm place and looked at his alarm clock. It was still only 8am and so plenty of time to pack up and head home. The rail tickets were cheaper in the middle of the day if I bought them on-line. I stretched out and thought about a visit to the bathroom. My thong felt damp from the night of passion but I’d not matched Jacks eruption by any means. I sat up in bed as Jack came through the door with our tea.

‘Hi Jules, the sun is shining it’s a beautiful day. I’m famished so do you fancy going out for breakfast. The whiskey is to blame. I need something in my stomach.’

‘Sounds good but last night you suggested I leave because you were fed up with me.’

‘Well I was annoyed but I’ve changed my mind since you came to my bed. I It’s true.’

‘It’s your kindness that is infectious. Not just with me but with customers and your friends at the club. Then at the hotel. Who else would get a chance to take over a hotel bar? I don’t make friends easily but when I’m with you I’m like a completely different person.’

‘So how about if I beg you to stay here with me for the rest of the week? But not sleeping on the couch. My bed is big enough for the two of us and I promise to respect your space.’

I took a deep breath. I was sure he must know my real problem. No mention anymore about my invisible fiancé. No pressure on me to tell him more about me.

'I don’t want you to leave. Anyway I’ve just had a message from Debs instructing me to handcuff you and keep you prisoner until you agree to become my girl.’

‘She’s always watching your back. She is a great sister caring so much for you. I wish I had a sister too, or a brother even. I liked Debs a lot I’m not surprised you are so close.’

‘Yes, she liked you too. She said in just a few days you’ve made me smile again.