There are two things I can say about myself, well there are a lot more than only two, for example I love Star Trek. Not any of the new stuff, when they started going AU, but the first four series and ten movies. I'm getting off topic. I haven't even gotten through the first paragraph and I'm already getting off topic. So what was I saying? Oh yeah, there are two things I can say about myself. First, I love magic and I'm an amateur magician. I'm not talking about spells and potions and mythical creatures, I'm talking about sleight of hand. My preference is card tricks, but I love watching coin magic, ring magic, cups and balls, you name it. Maybe one day I'll expand my repertoire beyond using a deck of cards, but for now I'm perfectly content.

The second thing you should know about me is that I wish I had been born a girl. I don't remember ever being unhappy as a guy, but I'm more comfortable as a girl. I do remember being jealous of all the clothing and accessory options available to girls and women. Guys fashion is rather boring in comparison. I've never been into 'manly' things, cars, sports, guns, etc. I've also always been more emotional about things than what society says a guy should be. I think the start of knowing something was different about me started with puberty (doesn't it always) and the discovery of porn. I remember one of my friends getting a hold of a Hustler magazine and several of us together looking through the pictures. My main thought was 'I bet she feels so good being fucked' while all the comments around me were more along the lines of 'I bet her pussy feels so good'.

These thoughts developed through the years and, as the internet evolved to what it is today online porn sites became a regular go to for me. I found when watching what would be called 'normal' porn, I always identified more with the girl than I did with the guy. I knew I wasn't gay, as I found gay porn repulsive, and the thought of kissing another guy, or even just touching another guy's dick even more so. I think my true self discovery came the first time I saw a girl with a strapon and the guy and girl took turns fucking each other. 

Thinking back, I don't remember wanting to be a girl until I was in my mid twenties, when my girlfriend at the time, Jennie, said I would look good wearing her nightie while she fucked me. I remember the excitement as I slide it on, and for the first time in my life, I felt 'right'. My 'dress up' slowly evolved from there. A few nighties, bras and panties were first, followed by clothes, makeup, painted toenails, and press on nails.

Then there was that one fateful night where my girlfriend had to work late. As soon as I had gotten home I started getting dressed. She arrived home and was slightly in shock. I had my hair braided in a ponytail. I was wearing a plain blue tee-shirt with a skirt that came down to just above my knees. To finish the look I had eyeshadow, mascara, and lipstick, and a pair of wedge sandals. I of course had on a bra, and had stuffed the cups to give me the appearance of having C cups. Since I had the next three days off work, I had also painted my fingernails to match my toes.

"Surprise!" I said, striking a girly pose.

"I did say to get dressed up, but I wasn't quite expecting this." Seeing the confusion on my face, "I sent you a text. We're going out to eat with Misti and Jen." 

Misti and Jen are two of her friends from work, who fortunately know about my dress up, and had even donated some old clothes to my meager collection. I've been skinny my whole life, at 5"6' and 120 lbs, most of my girlfriend's and the donated clothes fit me well enough.

"I was listening to music. I must have missed that text." I said and gave a pout.

"Well, grab a jacket. We don't want to keep them waiting." She grabbed one of her empty purses and threw my keys, lipstick and a compact in there, then pulled out my debit card and placed it in the card carrier inside the purse.

I tried to object, but gave in after she told me she would withhold sex for a week. Needless to say I was mortified at the thought of being in public dressed as a girl, even more so knowing that this would be the first time anyone other than Jennie would see me like this, and two of those people would know the truth.

"You need a name." She said while we were in the car.

"What?"

"You need a girl name. We can't be calling you by your real name, can we?" She started rattling off names, seeing if one struck my fancy.

"Kyla." I said in an almost whisper.

"Kyla? I like it. It's pretty. But why that name?"

"It's the name of the first porn star that I thought was absolutely beautiful."

"So you're naming your girl self after a porn star. That's… I don't know what that is."

"Well, it's pretty." I said with a little pout.

Dinner went well. Jennie's friends were a little surprised, but more so that they didn't recognise me at first. What I thought would be awkward turned out to be normal. By the time our food arrived it seemed that everyone at the table, myself included, seemed to forget that I was a guy in girls clothes. By the end of the night I realised that this is what I had been missing my whole life. Sex that night was amazing.

My dressing continued, my wardrobe expanded. Every day when I got home from work I would transform into Kyla. Jennie taught me how to not only dress as a woman, but to act like a woman. We would go shopping, out to eat, even went to the clubs a few times. Life seemed perfect, until those fateful words. "I'm moving out."

While I thought everything was wonderful and perfect, Jennie had been having difficulties accepting me… the girl me. We had a long fight, and it all came out. She had cheated on me with her ex, started flirting with men at work. She blamed me for it all, saying that she wanted a boyfriend and not a girlfriend. When I asked her why she didn't say anything sooner, she said it was because she saw how happy I was, and she couldn't take that away from me, and if I had to choose between her or Kyla she didn't think she should win.

We were both in tears when she left. I just laid on my stomach on the bed, crying into my pillow until I fell asleep. Jennie took the next two days to move all her things out. I made sure I wasn't there. In fact, I stayed in a motel room for those two days, as I didn't want to be around people I knew. 

Jennie sent me a text when she had left with the last of her stuff. 'I got all my stuff. I wish you the best in life' was all it said. I didn't bother with a response. I was angry. I checked out of the motel and went home, stopping off at a liquor store for a bottle of Jack on the way. I drank a lot over the next few days (months?). I hadn't dressed up since the day Jennie broke up with me. I tried, but it made me cry, so I just packed up everything 'girly' and tried putting it out of my mind. I even got a haircut, the first real haircut I'd gotten in a long time.

I spent a lot of time mindlessly watching things on YouTube, not really interested in any of it. Somehow a video of Richard Turner performing on Penn & Teller: Fool Us that changed my life. The things that man can do with a deck of cards was amazing. To top it all off Richard Turner is blind, and that made it even more amazing. I went out and bought a deck of cards intent on learning a new skill, the one handed shuffle. I watched the Richard Turner performance again and tried to do the shuffle like he did. Not only did it not work, but the cards all ended up on the floor. 

Searching YouTube for a one handed shuffle tutorial brought me to a video that actually helped. For anyone that isn't into magic or cardistry, you'd be surprised how much your hands hurt when you first start, discovering muscles you never knew existed. I wanted to learn other things and I found the channel of a magician named Chris Ramsay and that started my descent down the rabbit home that is close up magic. I soon had watched all of the tutorials that Chris Ramsay had posted and started looking for more, from Alex Pandrea and Savior Spade, to my favorite, Daniel Madison. Listening to Daniel Madison talk about his views on magic clicked something in my brain. He calls it practicing 'the deceptive arts', and the way he talks just spoke to me.

I continued to practice sleights and maneuvers and had at least one deck on me no matter where I was. Any and every chance I had I would have cards in my hands. It got me a few free drinks at bars, and made me find joy in life again, being able to entertain people.

The more I practiced the 'deceptive arts', the more comfortable I became dressing as Kyla again. I eased my way back in to dressing up, with wearing a nightie to bed, or just putting on a bra and panties underneath my guy clothes. I also had to relearn a lot of things, especially makeup. My hair had now grown back out again and was just long enough to put in a ponytail again. I looked at myself fully dressed, and sometimes I was filled with joy, and other times I broke down in tears. 

Necessity drove me to leave the house as Kyla again. I had the day off, and decided to dress completely. I went for my smokes (a nasty habit, I know) but the pack was empty. I could have sworn I had a new pack but alas, I couldn't find them to save my life. I checked the pockets of my jackets, getting excited several times when I felt something there only to be disappointed to find 'another' deck of cards. 

I contemplated just changing back into guy clothes but I had already put on makeup, and was starting to feel the nicotine withdrawal. I decided to suck it up and go outside as Kyla for the first time since the breakup. I picked up a purse and threw in the necessities, lipstick, compact, debit card and license in the built in card holders, and a deck of cards and headed out. I got to the gas station just a couple blocks away and went in for much needed smokes. I know everywhere is supposed to card, but I haven't been carded for cigarettes in like six months, so when I was asked for ID, I was caught off guard. 

I opened my purse and pretended to look through it to buy me some time to think. "Oh no. I think I left it my other purse." I said. "Can't you let it slide? Just this once?" 

"Sorry." He said and pointed to a sign. 'No ID, No Sale'.

'Stupid laws'. I thought, as I left the store empty handed. I drove a little further down the street to the next gas station, only to have a similar result. I dug through the ashtray in the car and found a halfie so I wasn't feening, but I was still getting very frustrated.

It was the fourth place it tried that finally sold me cigarettes without wanting to card me. It might have been fate because as I was leaving the gas station I saw a man putting up a sign for a yard sale. I've never really enjoyed yard sales until I started buying things for the girl me. Sometimes it's a complete bust, sometimes you hit paydirt. I turned around and went to the ATM and pulled out $100 (the $3.50 charge between the two competing banks be damned) and headed to the yard sale, unaware of what fate had in store for me.