The Ambassador's Wife - Epilogue.
Part 2 of 2.
By
Angharad.
I had lots to think about. Did I want to stay in the army or leave and do something different. The idea of having my higher education paid for was attractive if I was actually clever enough to get to uni, but did I want to run the gauntlet of turning up somewhere like AFC Harrogate - Army Foundation College - as a girl when I'd previously been seen as a boy, and with a gong. Both would mark me out as different and they wouldn't allow me to hide the medal because they like to publicise such things to aid recruitment and boost morale, or it does in the minds of the top brass. They may also try and use me to show their diversity policy - be a laugh wouldn't it if they had enough new transgender recruits to form their own regiment.

I didn't know what transgender was until recently when I spent a month or so living as a girl with Rosie, it somehow got under my skin without me realising it until it was time to stop and I didn't want to. Why? I had no idea but life seemed sweeter for some reason and I don't mean perfumes and softer undies. It certainly wasn't about the clothes and makeup and stuff, it was something much more fundamental, something inside me recognised a deep need to express myself as female, which was unknown to me just a few months earlier when I was just a junior grunt like all the others. Now things were different and so was I.

My head was hurting with all this thinking and I still didn't know what I wanted to do or what I thought was best for me. Had I gone too far already? The confusion of my identity - did the army see me as male or female? The letters concerning the medal were addressed to me as female, so had they forgotten about my previous identity or had they changed it since my replacement passport was issued at the embassy in Amdara?

I was still in a total confusion about everything when I went back up to London and after dropping my bag off at Rosie's, she came with me to the interview with the army at some building not far away from Whitehall. I showed the letter and was asked to wait in a small room with a few stacking chairs and a coffee table on top of which were some brochures about joining the army and the various trades they could teach you - like shooting people.

"Amber Collins," was called by a shortish woman wearing a blue and grey striped suit and grey high heels. I followed her through a door with Rosie following behind. I was glad she was with me because she was used to dealing with these people and brooked no nonsense. They might browbeat me, but she'd give it back to them with interest.

I felt my skirt rubbing on my legs, I wore a dark pink outfit of skirt and top, my topcoat I had folded over my arm and my black leather bag and shoes matched each other. I wore a two inch heel as I wasn't sure how much walking I'd have to do. So far they felt quite comfortable.

We were led into a large office where a middle-aged man was seated behind a huge desk, at the side of which was sitting a younger woman in a captain's uniform. She stood up as we entered, eventually so did the man. I stopped standing at attention and saluted her, she smiled and told me, "At ease, Cadet Collins, you're on leave aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"So let's keep it informal, shall we?"

"Fine by me, ma'am." Which was true.

"This is Sir William Walker, Army Liaison Office," said the captain introducing us, he nodded to both of us, "I'm Captain Judith Beech of the admin team for the junior soldiers and cadets."

"I'm Rosemary Templeton-Barr and I'm here to support Amber as a friend cum in loco parentis as her mother asked me to represent her."

They nodded in recognition and invited us to sit in front of the desk in comfortable upright chairs, presumably so they could keep the initiative - but then they didn't know Rosie.
Walker opened the proceedings, "We appear to have two issues, one regarding Amber's future in or out of the army and awarding the medal, which is quite an unusual event in someone so young."

"Jack Cornwall got a VC at age sixteen," I offered demonstrating I had learned something at Harrogate.

"That was during the Battle of Jutland in the First World War," added Walker, "things were a little different then and boys went to sea onboard warships."

"Only insofar as we were officially at war with another country so violence can be expected, however, violence and aggression can be just as deadly during supposed peaceful times, Mr Walker. The bullets and grenades they used against us were as lethal as any used in war." Rosie wasn't going to let anything past her.

"Of course, Lady Templeton-Barr, you were in Jordan with Amber, weren't you?"

"I was in Amdara with Amber when she acted as a decoy to try and draw the fire of the insurgents and then managed to get to Jordan to get help to rescue the embassy. I was also in Amman when we were attacked at the villa we were using as a safe house, where Amber showed tremendous courage in protecting both me and our Jordanian guard who was wounded."

"Yes, I've seen the report of the incident and Miss Collin's courageous actions and while in awe of them, I'd like to move us on to the points I raised earlier: does Miss Collins wish to stay in the army cadets and how we award this well-deserved medal to her."

"What safeguards would you have in place to protect her?" asked Rosie framing the question far better than I would have done.

"We are aware of the change of gender since she joined the cadets but I would remind both of you that the army, in fact, all of the armed services, have policies to deal with such things."

"We know all about that, Sir William, but I'm talking about the day to day stuff, like where she sleeps, which bathroom does she use, what if one the little shits--sorry, her colleagues makes transphobic comments. You won't be there to hear them and I suspect neither will anyone else with the authority to stop it."

"We don't know if that is going to happen, do we?"

"Yes we do, or if you don't plan for it, it certainly will. Remember, the army is full of bigots who keep quiet until it suits them."

"They will be dealt with severely if it does happen."

"What after she's been beaten up or taken an overdose?"

"Things have changed, Lady Templeton-Barr. Your ideas are perhaps not entirely up to date."

"With all due respect, I was surrounded by soldiers at the embassy in Amdara, I'm well aware of the conversations they have. Remember we're talking rankers here, not Sandhurst and some of the cruellest comments were made by officers who should know better. People who are different are targets because they are visible and they don't come more visible than someone wearing a different uniform to the one they wore before and with a bloody big gong on it. Amber might as well wear a big roundel on her back because she is going to be a huge target."

"Are you suggesting Miss Collins no longer requires to stay in the cadets?"

Listening to the conversation, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do anymore. Rosie was right, I'm going to be walking around like a mobile target and I know my previous colleagues and shits aptly describes quite a few of them. Perhaps it might have described me before I realised how hurtful it can be. It isn't bigotry exactly, it's more a case of their home culture and lack of experience.

"That's for her to decide," offered Rosie putting the ball into my court.

"Miss Collins?" said Sir William looking directly at me.

"Do I have to answer today?" I asked thinking that it might give me enough time to run far away where nobody knows me.

Sir William looked a little put-out as if my answer was like he'd had someone rearrange the pens on his desk without his permission and now he'd have to put them all back in their usual order. "Obviously, the more notice we have of your decision the more safeguards we can organise. How about we give you a further week to consider what you'd like to do?"

As this was likely his best offer, I accepted it.

"As for the medal, we'd like to organise at the next opportunity we have for the presentation."

"What does that mean exactly?" asked Rosie.

"Well as Miss Collins was on secondment to the RMP at the time, we thought it might be appropriate to have their Colonel in Chief present the medal."

Shit! That's Her Majesty, I get to meet the flipping Queen. I nearly fell off the chair.

"So no big deal then?" Said Rosie looking at me with an expression which said she knew who it was too.

"Naturally, we'd like to celebrate the occasion as it's not every day one of our cadets wins the George Medal. We'd also like you to attend in your dress uniform, Miss Collins."

"I - uh, don't actually have one, it all got blown up in Amdara."

"We'll organise that for you, eh Captain Beech?"

"Oh absolutely, Sir William."

"When are we talking about doing this?" asked Rosie, "The presentation that is?"

"We've pencilled it in for six weeks time, subject to our VIP being available. We'll write and confirm as soon as we can."

Rosie nodded.

"I think that's as far as we can go, we'll start discussing safeguarding with Harrogate and wait to hear Miss Collins' decision. Captain Beech will speak with you to make arrangements for the uniform. Thank you both for coming."

That was it, Captain Beech took my measurements and said she would have it sent to my home address and that they'd be in touch about the presentation date.

"Is it likely to be Her Majesty?" I asked aware of her great age and increasing frailty.

"Who the VIP?" asked Beech.

"Yes," I answered.

"Apparently she has stated that she would like to meet you."

"I'd have thought she'd be the last person to want to meet a pariah like me."

"She sees you as a courageous young woman, like we all do -- unless of course, you'd prefer different."

"No, that's fine," I said blushing down to my toes.

Rosie and I left soon after, she was still bristling at the meeting and how condescending Whitehall was. "They send us out there to fight or spy or solicit or die and complain whatever happens while sitting on their big fat arses doing sod all. None of them should be allowed to get to executive level without having done a couple of years in the field. Bloody government, nothing but a pile of tossers." After the tension I nearly collapsed laughing and then she laughed as well. She put her arm around me and hugged me as we left the building.

"What d'you want to do?" asked Rosie as we emerged onto the street.

"I dunno, whatever I do they'll crucify me," I said feeling a bit down.

"No, I mean now, what d'you want to do?"

"Oh, jump off tower bridge..." I offered my eyes filling with tears.

"Hey," she hugged me again, "where's that courageous young woman who saved my bacon?"

"I dunno," I said sniffing back a sob. "I'd be better going back to being a boy wouldn't I?"

"You'd look a bit silly meeting the Queen in a woman's dress uniform."

"I'll call in sick."

"No you won't, you're going to accept the medal, you deserve it and then you're going to go to Harrogate and give them hell if they do anything but accept you as the lovely young woman you are. If they don't, I'll teach you how to be, 'World War 3 in knickers'."

I laughed at her silliness but the reality of returning to Yorkshire filled me with dread. There were some really nice kids up there but there we also one or two who frightened me and as they were much bigger than I was, I wouldn't be able to bluster it out.

"C'mon, we're going to see Dr King," she said putting her phone back in her pocket, he's got a space in half an hour."

We got there just in time and Rosie waited in reception while I entered the doctor's inner sanctum with butterflies flying around so fast, my tummy threatened to get dizzy with their antics.

I told him about my meeting and my uncertainties and about meeting the Queen. He told me she was really nice and wouldn't be fazed by my gender problem, which if she hadn't been briefed about it, wouldn't know because I was so passable as a young female. He also told me to choose what I wanted to do about going back to or leaving the army. "They do have a very good policy on diversity but if you feel you'd be vulnerable, resign."

"I told my mum, I wanted to become an officer and she encouraged me to try."

"That's a fine ambition, Amber, but remember you're living your life for you not, your mum, however much you love her. Do what you want because you're the one who has to live with the consequences."

He spoke to Rosie while I waited outside, my tummy still seemingly filled with butterflies about the size of albatrosses and had no idea what I wanted, let alone what to do. If I hadn't ended up in dresses to help Rosie, would any of this happened and would I just be a normal sixteen-year-old grunt - a bit on the small size but otherwise okay. While I had some amazing experiences while I was in the Middle East and got to know Rosie if I hadn't gone life would be much simpler. Would the gender thing have happened anyway or was it all tied up with wearing that first dress? Oh hell, what do I do?

"Right, young lady, let's go and get some lunch," and with that, she whisked me into a cab and we set off for the West End.

I wasn't very hungry but I managed to gobble down some lasagne with a glass of orange juice. Perhaps the butterflies liked Italian food because my tummy seemed to calm down after the meal.

We went for a walk along the Serpentine and Rosie nudged me and smiled. "Those two lads were giving you a real look-over."

"When?" I was astonished, I was still trying to decide my fate so barely noticed where we were let alone who else was about.

"Just now, that makes half a dozen, so you must be doing something right."

"I expect they were looking at you, you're much more beautiful than me."

"I'm also much older and they were definitely giving you a good look, not me."

That threw me a little, it was both exciting and terrifying simultaneously. But if I can't cope with it happening on the street, how will I cope with dozens of them in a relatively enclosed space in Harrogate? That was worrying.

"Resign then," Rosie said as we walked along.

"What?" I gasped.

"Well you obviously haven't got the stomach for a fight anymore, so resign and run away back to Mummy."

"I only fought before because I had to."

"So, be prepared to do so again - the bullies and bigots won't be trying to kill you like the Arabs were and you have one big advantage..."

"Eh?"

"Two actually..."

"I do?"

"Yes, you're female and you have actually shot someone. The most that lot will have killed is some poor bird or small furry thing. It isn't the same as shooting someone who is trying to kill you."

"Gee thanks, remind me why don't you?"

"I suspect if you gently hint that people who threaten you or try to intimidate you end up on a mortuary slab, only the most stupid will try to see if it happens to them."

"I can't go round shooting people because they try to bully me."

"Pity, it would save the army having to discharge them." She paused then added, "I think some extra self-defence lessons would be useful, especially against men who are bigger than you but less intelligent."

"Like where will I find those?"

"I just happen to know someone who teaches a very effective form of self- preservation. If you know what you're doing, size is less important than surprise and he'll teach you to use anything as a weapon, including your opponent. It's all in the mind, knowing you can take the initiative even when you didn't start it."

I looked astonished but she made another call and that evening I spent an hour meeting Steve Denman who explained the type of self-defence he taught and gave me a few examples of his skill. I won't be strong enough to lift someone's head off their spine but a quick twist can do the same, but to remember you only kill if they're trying to kill you. He showed me what to do if they were armed with a knife, two quick moves and you either break their arm or stab them while they're still holding the blade, so no fingerprints.

I was to go and see him for two hours every morning for the next week. Rosie spoke to my mum and she was okay with it, then I spoke to her and said it was a precaution if I go back to Harrogate.

The training was hard work, because apart from trying to do the various moves, you also had to suss the environment to see how it can help you, plus your opponent to spot any weaknesses. But at the end of the week, apart from a few bruises, I was much more confident and possibly dangerous - perhaps to myself, though Steve emphasised don't fight if you can run. If they're still a threat, take them out when you're ready and things are in your favour.

I thanked Rosie, who also attended for a refresher, for organising the course and went back home on the train. Of course, I had some extra things to wear as she thinned out her wardrobe, some were really nice. However, I didn't expect to use my new skills quite so quickly.

I was recognised walking down my street by three of the yobs who tried to torment me before I went to Harrogate. They surrounded me making comments about my change of gender and being in the army, something about fairies in uniform. I had nowhere to run. Behind me was a wall and in front of me three yobs all bigger than me. I would try to talk my way out of it but be prepared to make every blow count.

The talking stopped when the leader of the trio grabbed me. I broke his wrist and his nose and then span him round so he head-butted one of his companions. The third one I hit with my suitcase, in the chest, followed with another swing to his face. I left the three of them coughing and spluttering in the gutter - where they belonged. A week ago, I'd have shat myself.

As I entered my house I'd made my decision, I was going back to the army, though at this rate I might kill more of our side than the enemy. Thankfully, no follow up was made following my self-defence practice - it certainly worked.

~~~~~
The remaining two weeks of my leave period went quickly, especially as I saw a doctor, through Dr King, who did a little procedure down below, effectively, he pushed my balls back up into my abdomen and then stitched my scrotum skin around my willie. It was a bit tight for a week then seemed to adjust itself and I also got used to weeing all over my bum, I'd been sitting to wee for a couple of months, so that was now quite natural. Once it adjusted itself, it felt much more comfortable than the pseudo fanny, less hot and sweaty, to start with. The hair was all waxed before the procedure, so as that regrew it got a bit itchy, but that was all.

The uniform, dress one that is, arrived and my mother made me try it on. It was certainly different and now I'd have to march with the girls, though, actually, we all marched together, after all, tall men would take bigger strides than smaller ones, I'd always been one of the smaller ones anyway so would cope and fit in. I'd continued the exercises that Steve had shown me, so hopefully, I'd be better able to look after myself, just as well because the next Monday morning, I dragged my case onto the train and set off towards Harrogate and the AFC. I slept much of the way there because I hadn't slept much the night before. Settling down in my seat alongside a small table, I went through my defence plan before I sat down and nodded off over my book. I sat on the corridor side of the two seats - easier escape and had my handbag on the inner seat. An older woman eventually came and sat opposite me and asked where I was going. I didn't really want to talk but once we got into conversation, it relaxed me quite a bit.

She came from Harrogate so knew about the army college there, "Didn't one of them win some medal recently, out in the Middle East?"

I blushed to the roots of my hair, "I think they did."

"You mean you don't know? I would have thought you'd know them personally."

"I was away on secondment," I said still blushing.

"Oh, that sounds interesting."

"Not really, my dad was a redcap, so I asked to do a secondment with them."

"I'm sure he'd be proud of his daughter." That made me blush even more.

"Dunno about that, but it was all procedural, filling in forms for everything, especially for antisocial behaviour after they'd been drinking."

"So it wasn't in the Middle East, then?"

How do they do that - read your mind? "I um..."

"It's all right, young lady, I used to teach, your body language identified you as the medal winner, so I am honoured to be in the company of one so young yet so brave."

"I didn't do anything really, they just decided to make an example of someone and that was me."

"You see it as a punishment? How interesting."

"Well, it will mark me out as different."

"Yes but different in showing courage and initiative."

"It's still different."

"But in a good sense."

"Not sure some of the grunts will see it that way."

"You don't seem very complimentary about your fellow students."

"You wouldn't be either if you'd spent the last year with them. Some of them can't hold a knife and fork properly let alone a pen."

"So are you going to teach them how to? You know, hold a knife or fork or even write neatly."

"That's not my job, ma'am, I intend just to survive until I can get them to fund me through uni, then come back as an officer."

"Sounds like a plan, Amber. I wish you well, oh we're nearly there. We shook hands and I struggled off dragging my heavy case to find a taxi. Mum had given me a tenner for the fare, but I spotted Captain Beech as she waved at me. Apparently, she volunteered to come and collect me to take me back to the camp and also she explained the safeguards they had set up. I had my own room - that was good because of the number of clothes I now had needed two wardrobes. I was to use the female toilets. I explained I'd been modified to disguise down below, and she blushed but smiled.

I was also to liaise with her each day for the next two weeks in the hope that the novelty would be over by then. The other thing was that in two weeks I had to attend Buck House to get my gong and she said she would accompany me - probably to make sure I didn't run off instead.

I didn't have much contact with my year cohort because I'd got back in the late afternoon, so just ate and went to my room to unpack. Then it was back to classes the next day. To my horror I was made to stand in front of the class and was introduced as Amber, who was now regarded as female and should be respected as such, also I'd been awarded a medal for gallantry while on secondment with the RMP and they used my punch line, "Just in case any of you have a problem with her, I should caution you that, those who did make an issue out in Jordan went home in body bags, so I'd think twice if I were you." That caused a general murmur and some chuckles. Obviously, some of them think shooting someone is funny - it isn't, it's buttock clenching and sickening, if it isn't, there's something wrong.

At the first coffee break, I was wearing jeans and top, I was accosted by several of the girls, who seemed quite happy to have me on 'their team', so to speak. I did notice a few contemptuous looks from some of the boys and I hoped I could remember all Steve had told me. Talk or run but plan in case you have to fight, and if the latter, make it sudden and short and use anything to hand. Survival is not illegal.

That evening after dinner and homework which we do in the common room, I was quite happy sitting with four other girls and answering their questions and just generally chilling out. Then I was told to be ready on the Thursday morning to drive down to London and to take my dress uniform. Oh poo, this is it then, they haven't changed their minds.

When they saw me heading off, Carmen, her mum is Spanish, and Suzie saw me walking out to the official car, a Jaguar, with Captain Beech, they knew what was happening so it would be all around the place in minutes. We were to stay overnight in a hotel and be at the palace for ten o'clock, the presentation was at eleven. Apparently, we'd meet with my mother at Buck House. Captain Beech gave me my ticket and told me not to lose it. I shoved it in my handbag.

After dinner, and again the next morning Captain Beech drilled me. I was to march to HM and salute, then bob. She'd present the medal and I was to salute, bob about-face and then march away back to my original place. Not much to remember but I was never that coordinated and I had an awful feeling I'd mess it up, so I didn't sleep well that night. I didn't want any breakfast but Beech made me eat some eggs on toast and drink a cuppa. Then we practised again and got dressed in our best uniforms after I'd done my makeup and applied plenty of smellies - I was sweating like a pig. This was more frightening than Jordan, probably because I knew what was coming, out there it just happened and I simply reacted to it, so no time to worry.

Feeling nauseous, I sat in the back of the car as our driver, a young woman, took us off up the Mall to Buckingham Palace. We met up with my mother and chatted until the awards ceremony began. Then we all had to go to our places and officials would announce who was to move up to see the queen. I watched dumbstruck as people were knighted and invested with all sorts of medals. Finally, it was my turn. I stood to attention and marched up to her majesty, stopped and saluted, then bobbed.

"Amber, isn't it?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Pretty name, suits you."

"Thank you, Ma'am."

"So how did someone as lovely as you get involved in such a business?"

"I was escorting the ambassador's wife, Ma'am and we were attacked."

"And you returned fire I believe."

"Yes, Ma'am, they were intent on killing us."

"So I heard. Well, young lady, you are certainly not lacking in courage to win this medal, but I also believe you do in your personal life. Keep on as you have started, be an example to others and congratulations on receiving this medal. I hope you consider going on to the RMP because I think you'd be good for them and they for you." With that, she handed me the medal and shook my hand. I stepped back, saluted, bobbed and about-faced, marched back to my place, stood at attention and, then at ease. I had a George Medal and I nearly fainted, because I had met the Queen, bloody stroll on.

After the ceremony was over, Beech made me wear the bloody medal when we went to the brief buffet lunch, then it was goodbye to Mum, who had a photo taken of the two of us together, me wearing my gong and her in her best dress. Then it was back to Harrogate, in uniform, to be presented to the head of the college at a formal dinner that evening. We only just made it and I was made to stand there as the citation was read out and the official description of the action. Meeting the queen was easier than this, gee bloody whizz, next time instead of fighting I'll run away, it's gotta be easier than all this fuss.

A week after the London trip and my photo receiving the medal was placed in the entrance hall of the college, one of the grunts, a big lad called 'slasher' by his mates, decided to inform me that he thought I was a wuss and probably got the medal for cocksucking, so did I want to demonstrate my deep throat technique for him?

I didn't and turned to move away, except one of his friends blocked me and did so each time I tried to go. I felt that awful void in the pit of my stomach and knew that I could get really hurt.

"Look, Gove, I don't want any trouble, so just stop it all right," I said as forcefully as I could.

"Look, Tinkerbell, just suck me off and me mates and we'll let yer go."

"And if I don't," I said back doing an assessment as Steve had taught me.

"It's gonna happen, fairy, so if you don't wanna get hurt, just cooperate." He sneered at me. He was about ten inches taller than me and towered over me. I saw the fire extinguisher about two metres away. I had a plan.

As Gove said to grab me, I stepped forward and kneed him in the crutch, very hard. Then elbows and knees flying I fought my way towards the fire extinguisher, a carbon dioxide one. Two minutes later, I had taken out three of them, the metal casing of the extinguisher proving a useful club as I sprayed them with the freezing gas and bashed them with the bulb.

The noise attracted some of the staff and we were all marched off for a medical check-up in the sickbay. I had various bruises where blows had landed, two of my attackers had fractures of the elbow - I hit where Steve had told me, another had a damaged kneecap and Gove, so-called 'Slasher' had severe bruising to his genitals and a smashed cheekbone to go with his concussion.

They accused me of going berserk for no reason, but Gove was known as a bully, and although I was reprimanded for use of excessive force, I protested and demanded it be recognised that odds of four to one were excessive and my response, as a female they were threatening with sexual assault, was appropriate, almost adding that next time I'd kill them.

It all died down, especially when Captain Beech backed me against the others, who strangely decided to resign from the cadets. So I was accorded minor celebrity status, especially amongst the girls he and his cronies had bullied and I knew from then on, I could cope with anything that life presented to me and I was going to get that university place and become an officer and make my mother proud of me, as would my father have been had he been alive to see it. It wasn't what I'd have thought about before but somehow escorting Rosie and finding my true self made anything possible and now I had a dream which I was going to work at to make true, as Her Majesty had said, 'Become an example'. Well, how could I argue with our Commander in Chief, especially when given a personal order, "Yes, Ma'am," I said and saluted.

The end.