“Sarah? Sarah?”

Someone was shaking my arm. I opened my eyes just a slit. “Lisa!!!” I grabbed her and hugged her like she would try to escape, then released my hold and held her at arm’s length, “Oh, Lisa, I love you. Where is Aunt Katy?” Apparently, I looked desperate.

Lisa was calm. How could she be so calm at a time like this? “She’s right there in the kitchen. What on earth is the problem?”

My mom walked in from the back of the house. “She saw a bad wreck on the freeway and when y’all were a little late and she couldn’t get hold of y’all on the cell phones, she panicked.”

“Oh, I think my phone is up in my room,” Aunt Katy said.

“I left mine here, too,” volunteered Lisa.

I was relieved, but I thought it was time for some discipline. “Please, never never never leave your phones again. Please!!!”

Lisa smiled, “I think what you’re saying is that you want us to make sure we don’t leave our cell phones again.”

“Lisa! I’m serious! I thought y’all were dead!”

“She’s serious, she was so scared … you would not believe! For her sake and mine don’t ever leave your phones again. I tried to comfort her, but I began to have my doubts when it got to be late.”

“OK,” Aunt Katy agreed. “No cell phone … we come right back and get them!”

“Please!” I reiterated.

My mom had turned the TV off when I went to sleep, so she turned it back on. “It’s ten PM. Let’s see if there’s any news about the accident.”

I stood up to go to the bathroom.

“ … and Bryan Kenneth Smith, age 20, (his graduation picture showed on the screen) of Houston was pronounced dead at the scene when a truck carrying a load of crude oil plowed into ….”

“No! No! No!” My legs went numb and I sank to my knees and folded to the floor in a near fetal position, and began sobbing. “No, please God! He was … he was … he was….”

“A jerk?” Lisa queried.

I couldn’t answer. I sobbed.

Lisa was confused. “Sarah, isn’t this the Bryan we went to school with … the Bryan that was a bully?”

I continued to sob. I didn’t want to answer. When I thought about it, the answer was “no”. This was not the Bryan that was a bully. This was the little boy who lost his dad. This was the kid who might have had a chance to change his circumstances by going to work for a startup company that needed his programming skills. For the first time in his life, he would be accomplishing something. He could have helped his mom, who was most likely struggling to put food on the table. What would she do now? Oh, she would get help. I would prevail upon my daddy to help her, but that wouldn’t bring her son back. She lost her husband, and now she had lost her son. She would live with the pain of loss the rest of her days. I didn’t know her, but I figured she never hurt anybody in her life. She must be a saint to have put up with Bryan’s dad. She probably had to be a saint to put up with Bryan. Now, I’m sure she would put up with just about anything to have him back. It’s an amazing story of how he went from being my worst enemy, with his arrogance, harassing, and bullying, to a guy I’m now mourning on my knees in my living room. With everything I had gone through medically and all my other life experiences, I thought I was pretty smart, and when I heard someone say, “It goes to show you never can tell.” I thought, “What a stupid saying! The stupid saying was not so stupid now. Another thing came to mind that my dad had read from the Bible, “For now we see through a glass, darkly”. If Bryan had died during high school at the height of his bullying, I would have said, “Good! He had it coming!” I’m human, therefore I see through a very dark glass with tunnel vision at that. God knew better than to give me or any other human the power over who lives and who dies. But, why now? Bryan was getting it together. He was getting his priorities straight and was on his way to becoming a contributing member of society. I guess the answer to that is, “for now we see through a glass, darkly.”

I realized something else. I had told myself that my feelings for Bryan were pity, and nothing more. Why did I tell myself that? I had to, because I was falling in love with him! I knew it back then, but I couldn’t allow it to happen. I remembered the way he smiled the last time I saw him. It was a beautiful smile … a smile that was gone forever. I had told myself that what I felt that day was just pity because I couldn’t allow it to be love. But if I hadn’t left in such a hurry the last time we talked, maybe things would have been different. One little change in the present can make a big change in the future, so maybe he wouldn’t have been there on that freeway. Maybe he would have been in that burger joint with me. Maybe we would have been enjoying our food and our conversation; chatting about trivial things … slowly falling in love? Maybe I would have pointed and said, “Bryan! Look at that truck! Oh my God … he gonna ….” Bryan would turn around and probably said something like, “Oh, shit!” Boys usually have a limited vocabulary. Now, I wish he were back … limited vocabulary and all. God, why do we have to experience time in only one direction? Wouldn’t it be better if we could go back and make just slight adjustments? It would be better for us, and the changes we would make would likely please God. They would be good changes, and “God is good.”

I was still on the floor on my knees, and I realized Lisa was next to me … holding me … comforting me. I remember my previous fears that she might have been killed. It was a big consolation, but it didn’t help the poor little boy and his mom. The news was still on, but I hadn’t heard anything since they said Bryan’s name. I only found out later that two people in the car in front of Bryan were also killed. The truck driver was unharmed. His blood-alcohol was multiple times the legal limit. After his truck stopped, he sat in the cab of his truck atop the wreckage and carnage he had caused and fell asleep! He didn’t wake up until the police dragged him out of the cab. It made me wonder what was so bad about prohibition. He would probably spend 20 years behind bars for killing 3 people, and he probably won’t remember doing it. Yeah … only 20 years or so; one year for every year Bryan lived. It could even be a lot less depending on which judge and lawyers are involved. Gotta love our legal system. If Lisa winds up defending someone like that, I’ll disown her.

It had been an exhausting day. I thought about the day’s events. Just that morning, Lisa and I were putting on engagement rings to keep the men away, and joking about it. Now, the one man that maybe, just maybe I didn’t really want to keep away from me was dead, and I was mourning the loss; not only that, I was mourning the loss his mom suffered.

It goes to show you never can tell.

Next: No weddings and a funeral