Synopsis: Allison confronts an old friend

“Initiation tomorrow,” Remy grinned at me as she slid one of her tops onto a plastic coat hanger. “Are you ready?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted nervously. “What happens at initiation?”

“Well,” She said. “You know those pledge paddles you’ve seen laying around the house?”

“Uh…yeah?” I gulped as I clutched one of her skirts in my grip. We had busied ourselves doing her laundry; I had no idea how many clothes the woman had, we’d been here in her room for hours with me sitting cross-legged on her bed next to a massive piled of skirts, dresses, panties, and likely a few parachutes.

“Well we don’t use those, so your butt is safe – at least from that.”

I giggled a little bit and used a clip hanger to secure the skirt, then tossed it aside and grabbed another top.

“So what about the house?” I asked. “Do we get the house?”

“Yeah,” She nodded. “AG lost fifty-five percent of their membership, so they’re just liquidating a of their assets. We paid them, but it wasn’t much. With Amanda and the other five members splitting off from AG and your mother leading the new board, this should be a pretty smooth transition.”

“Smoother than some transitions,” I joked.

“Funny,” She smirked. “Speaking of which, how’s your transition going?”

“Oh, yeah,” I nodded. “I was final prescribed my hormones, it’s more complicated than I thought. Um, so there’s this estrogen pill that people like to call tittle skittles, and then there’s the spiro that blocks testosterone. I guess I’m well on my way to being a girl.”

“You already ARE a girl, honey,” She corrected. “The pills just help you look more like one.”

“Maybe, a little surgery wouldn’t hurt either. As soon as the makeup comes off I look like a guy again.”

“Mmm…not entirely true,” She reassured me. “Your hair frames your face really well, it’s hard to tell unless you get really, really close.”

“I’m glad YOU think so,” I giggled.

“I really do—hey Allison, are you wearing my top?”

I looked down at my self and blushed a little. I was wearing one of her wrap-around tunic tops, probably one of her favorites.

“Yeah,” I said, looking up at her as if I was pleading for mercy.

“You have your OWN clothes you know,” She scolded, shaking her head and wagging a finger at me. “You don’t need to steal mine.”

“I guess…I just…want you close to me,” I shrugged. Maybe I was a little obsessive?

“I’m right here you goof!” She laughed. Suddenly she made her way over to the bed, placed her hands on my shoulder and gently pushed me back into the pile of laundry. I lost my breath as she climbed onto the bed and straddled me, pressing her lips against mine and giggling. I wrapped one arm around her back and placed my hand on the back of her head, pulling her in closer as we continued to kiss. I moaned softly as she began to grind my pelvic region with hers, but then groaned even louder as she stopped and pulled away.

“Remy!” I pleaded.

“We don’t want to tear your stitches,” She said. “We have all the time in the world.”

I groaned and threw my head back against the laundry pile as she smiled softly and stood up. She stepped away and I sat up, straightening out my blouse…well…her blouse.

“What are you doing today?” She asked.

“Well in about half an hour I need to go meet someone at the quad and then—”

“Wait, who are you meeting?”

“Um…” I said slowly, hesitating before I answered. “Stephanie?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Remy asked me with a concerned look on her face.

“We’re meeting in the quad,” I reassured her. “I guess I just want…closure.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Remy had stopped folding and was staring directly at me.

“No,” I said. “I think…I mean…I should probably handle this by myself. It’s a public place, it should be fine.”

“Yeah okay,” She said. “You know what? I’ll drive you to the quad and I’ll wait just outside. I don’t want you to walk out of there alone, okay?”

“Thank you, Remy,” I smiled.

We finished up some more of the laundry and then headed out. We walked out the front door, passed off of the front porch and I commented on how nice the new letters looked. Remy agreed with me as we climbed into her car and drove to the quad. It was pretty busy but it was a Saturday so I really wouldn’t have expected anything less. As I stepped out of the car I could see Stephanie sitting at one of the picnic tables. I crossed the walkway and passed through the two chest-high brick walls that flanked and surrounded the area, aware that I was turning a few heads as I went. Yeah, people still knew who I was; maybe some of them would want autographs. I put it out of my mind as I crossed over to Stephanie’s table. As I approached she stood and smiled at me nervously. I gave her a quick hug and we sat down.

“Mi…I mean…Allison,” She said. “How have you been?”

“About as well as could be expected,” I said. “We’ve gotten the sorority mostly sorted out.”

“I saw that when I drove by earlier!” She said. “The new letters look amazing! I wish I could join.”

“I’m sure there are other houses you could join,” I suggested. She shook her head sadly.

“No one else will have me. I tried a few houses but they won’t call me back. I guess I’m persona non grata now, yeah?”

I shrugged.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last month and a half it’s that actions have consequences. I took mine, I guess you’ll have to take yours.”

“Yeah, so…I was wondering…can you forgive me for what I did?”

I thought for a moment and then nodded.

“Yeah Stephanie, I can forgive you. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, it would be hypocritical for me NOT to forgive you. I mean we’re all human, right?”

She breathed a sigh of relief, I could almost see the weight being lifted off of her. She’d been thinking about this for a long time.

“Thank you so much,” She whispered. “I was wrong, I was so wrong. I got you kicked out of Alpha Gamma, and that almost got you killed and…I don’t know how I could have lived with myself if…if…”

She was starting to tear up. For a moment I swear I could see that girl I’d spent so many of my childhood days with. As we sat there I recalled a memory of us sitting in the backyard eating popsicles, or those days we spent playing on that huge castle playset my mom had bought. So many memories, from childhood, to adolescence, all torn away and stomped on in that one single moment. How quickly a friendship can fall. She was crying. I think I was too.

“It’s okay, Stephanie,” I wiped away a tear. “You’re going to be okay.”

“And…and are we still friends?” She asked timidly.

“Stephanie,” I sighed. “The thing about being trans, or gay, or anything in the alphabet is…you get the privilege of knowing who your friends really are. You can know someone for your entire life and you can get along with them really well but you won’t know who they really are until you challenge their beliefs. I was really, really lucky to find that my mom and my sister were on my side no matter what, and maybe even more so than I thought. I mean for god’s sake, my own sister pinned me at the ceremony. How often does that happen? It’s just…people always have more than one side and most people are only going to see one side of their friends for their entire life. People like me? We get the privilege of walking around to the other side and seeing what they’re really made of. With you…I have to say it was really lacking. You hated me for being who I was when everyone else…they accepted and loved me. Stephanie, I so wish…I so wish that you could have been a part of that love and friendship. I wish that things had turned out differently, but what you did….it’s not just something that you did to me. It’s something that you did to all of my AG sisters, and all of the people who loved me unconditionally. You uprooted their lives, you changed things for them, you took away so many things that we can’t get back. Stephanie I’ll always love you, I’ll always have those fond memories but…I don’t think we were ever friends, at all. I wish you the best, I really do, but I have to move on now, with my real friends.”

A long moment of silence persisted between us. The crowd noise throughout the quad seemed to dissipate, leaving us in absolute silence as we contemplated the future. I felt that with her, I was leaving a piece of my past behind and while it felt uplifting, it also felt sad, like a piece of me was dying. Not a good piece, maybe the same thing as when you cut the mold off of a piece of bread. It’s gone, but the spores have still spread, and they’ll be a part of it, forever. Stephanie would be a part of me forever but that didn’t mean I needed her attached to me.

“I love you, Allison,” She said, gathering her purse and standing up. We embraced one last time and I watched her disappear in to the crowd. The moment hit me like a ton of bricks as I wiped my tears once again and turned back toward the parking lot across the street. Remy saw me and immediately began to pull the car around.

“Are you okay?” She asked me as I climbed into the passenger seat.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I sniffed a little bit.

“Cheer up,” She smiled, patting my knee. “I’ll get you a smoothie, and then we can get ready for initiation tomorrow. You’re looking forward to it, right?”

“Yeah,” I smiled. “I’m looking forward to it.

I really, really was.