Synopsis: Allison speaks with her therapist about starting hormone therapy and learns about Philanthropy

“Allison? Are you okay?” Brynn asked me. I snapped out of my brief trance and looked back to her. Brynn was the therapist that Remy had referred me to and so far I had no idea how the session was going.

“I…yeah, I’m fine,” I think I was lying.

“So from what you’re telling me, this happened because you decided to rush a few sororities dressed as a woman and they’re…punishing you?” Brynn raised an eyebrow. Okay sure, that’s kind of how it sounded but that wasn’t how it felt, not anymore.

“That’s…what it felt like at first,” I admitted. “But things have changed now. It’s been about a week and I really, really like this.”

“Well what do you like about it?”

“Before all this happened I was just online in groups just reading and sometimes posting. I asked for advice and stuff, like how to transition and even though people would answer I never really expected to be able to do it. Never in a million years. I was afraid of coming out to my mother and sister…I didn’t know how they would take it. I guess that was stupid of me. I had already just decided that they would both hate me and I didn’t bother asking them.”

“Why did you think they would hate you?” Brynn began to write on her notepad as I spoke.

“I guess I just…maybe it was in my head. Maybe I never paid close enough attention to who they were and what they were like. I just…assumed that it would go badly because my mom had me on this really specific path. I told her I wanted to become a journalist, like a news anchor. She kind of planned my whole life out and ‘Allison’ was never a part of that. I thought she would be mad, or disgusted,” I shifted in my chair a bit, realizing how stupid this sounded when I said it out loud. Why on earth had I thought my mom would hate me over something like this?

“And now?”

“Now it’s…it’s weird. I haven’t really talked to her but Brianna told me that all she cares about is that I’m in school and doing well. She doesn’t care about all…this.”

“Well it seems that you have the familial acceptance, and that puts you about fifty steps ahead of most other trans women. So I think the question you need to ask, is this: is this what you want?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused. “You mean, do I want to be a girl?”

“I mean,” Brynn said, looking at me over her glasses. “Do you want to be in the sorority. Do you feel like you’re being forced?”

That was a tough question. I didn’t really have the option of walking away from the house, or did I? I probably could and at this point it wouldn’t hurt anything, because I tried and maybe I just didn’t like it. But to leave Remy and Michelle? To let Brianna down like that? I couldn’t even imagine it.

“I don’t feel like I’m being forced,” I finally admitted. “I mean at first I didn’t have a choice but now? Now it’s like…I’m there because I want to be. No one’s holding me against my will and…I think they’ve made me a better person. My sister told me that I’m more outgoing, and happier. It’s scary sometimes, like really scary-“

“What parts are scary?”

“I guess it’s like…I have to meet a certain expectation, and they’re holding me to it. They’re my friends but they definitely get on me a lot. I guess they want me to be the best I can be but it gets…hard and tiring.”

“Have you ever considered asking them to back off a little?”

“I…I thought about it but then I realized…something,” I shifted again, this time staring at a painting on the wall to my left. It was a forest scene, kind of relaxing.

“What did you realize?” Her voice was almost drowned out by the sound of the ticking clock just behind her. I tried to concentrate on her voice.

I saw…an old picture of myself on my phone and I don’t look anything like that anymore. Like at all. It…it wouldn’t be that way if it weren’t for everything they’ve done and I don’t want it to stop. I NEED it to keep going. I don’t want to be him again. I hated him.” I was beginning to curl my fist, my body was shaking. It was so true; I couldn’t stand the idea of being Miles. He was so…I don’t know how to explain it.

“Then it sounds to me like you’re on the right path, you’re becoming who you were meant to be, and it may be really, really good for you,” Brynn took a few more notes. “Have you considered taking hormones?”

“Well, yeah,” I admitted. “I mean I’ve read a lot about them online especially well…back when I had more time. The problem is I guess I have to be in therapy for like a year and get a referral letter, right?”

“Not anymore,” She shook her head. “There are other options like informed consent clinics. Planned Parenthood is a good one.”

“So they’ll just give me the hormones? Just like that?”

“Generally, yes. You would have to answer some questions and having a referral letter never HURTS, but they’re not going to deny a trans woman from hormone treatment, especially not one like you. It’s clear you’re dressing the part and acting the part. In my professional opinion, if you weren’t trans, you would be fighting this but you’ve settled into it very, very nicely. You’re a natural.”

“Th…thank you,” I blushed. I still wasn’t used to being praised or complimented.

“I’m going to make you referral to Ian McKee’s office. He’s a great, LGBT friendly doctor, he’ll run some blood tests and get you on the right dosage.”

“Wait, that’s it?” I asked, incredulously. “After all…this…all I had to do was ask?”

“Well,” She said. “It’s easier in some areas than others. We have a better informed consent system here.”

So it was happening. It was actually happening. After reading about it online forever and wondering if I would ever be lucky enough to get them, I was actually going to start taking hormones? It just didn’t seem real, but then again, none of this seemed real.

I left the therapists’ office at 2:15 and thought about going back to the house, but instead received a text from Remy.

‘Hey little sis! Meet us at the Animal Shelter on Romig Road when you get done! Love ya!’

I smiled a little, it was nice to have someone care enough to send texts; it had never really happened before…before all this. I used my phone to call an Uber and rode over to the animal shelter. Outside I saw Remy’s car, but also Laura, Cassandra’s, and cars that I knew belonged to a few other girls. What as going on? I crossed the parking lot and made my way to the front lobby, approaching the receptionist carefully; I still felt awkward in public even though Brianna, Remy, Cassandra, Michelle, and virtually every other girl in the house had convinced me that no one could tell.

Before I could even speak the receptionist perked up and said, “Hey are you with Alpha Gamma?”

“Uh, yeah,” I said. “I’m looking for-“

“The rest of your group is outside, just follow me!”

I followed her through a winding hallway until we reached a glass door, which she held open for me. It led outside into kind of a play yard but full of dog toys, a small inground pool with the entire area screened in with kind of a black mesh. In the yard I could see about ten AG girls playing with the dogs.

“Heyyyy,” Remy said bouncing over to me. She was gorgeous today; her hair was tied up in a bun held together by two chopsticks and she was wearing this black spaghetti strap top. “I thought you’d never make it!”

“What is this?” I asked looking around “Are we getting a dog?”

“No silly,” Remy laughed. It’s philanthropy. We do fifty philanthropy hours per month, like charity. Today we’re playing with the dogs. Next week we’re scheduled to serve food at the homeless shelter. There are a few other activities scheduled throughout the month so basically it gives us a presence in the community and…lets us play with dogs!”

“Hey Allie!” Michelle waves from the corner where she was playing tug with a huge German shepherd. “You taking care of those feet?”

“Yeah,” I called back, laughing.

“Okay little sis, I don’t know how well you do with dogs but…see this one over here, this is Bernie. He’s kind of a grouch.”

“Wow,” I said as I stared at the great Dane moving toward us. “He’s uh…big.”

“Don’t worry,” Remy laughed. “He’s a big baby.”

“Big is…right,” I said as I nervously approached the dog. When I moved forward he started prancing around, his nails clicking against the concrete. “uh….”

“Here,” Remy said, smiling to me. “This is his favorite ball, throw it, he loves that.”

“Throw…throw it where?” I asked as she handed it to me.

“Anywhere,” She laughed. You know, I probably really shouldn’t have been thinking like this, at ALL, but the way she looked today, Jesus I would have probably walked into a volcano if she’d told me to. No, no, bad thoughts. Holy shit, no.

I turned cautiously and threw the ball, or at least I tried. Actually, it didn’t make it more than three inches from my hand, and just fell to the ground right in front of me. "Wow, I suck—”

“ALLISON WATCH OUT!” Remy screamed but it was too late. Bernie had decided to go for the ball, and to do that, he’d decided to go through me. I felt the full force of him slam into the back of my knees, sending me lurching forward. As I desperately tried to keep my balance I bounded around, throwing my arms out and failing until finally I fell face first, right into that stupid doggie pool. It was maybe two feet deep but I still managed to slam into the floor of it. I didn’t stay under too long, I felt sets of hands gripping my arms and yanking me out, setting me down on the edge.

“Oh my god Allison,” Michelle said, placing a hand on my cheek and looking into my eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah holy crap,” Lila said running over to the pool. “Are you alright?”

A few other girls asked the same question and it occurred to me that if I were a guy, and if they were all guys, they would be laughing instead of asking me if I were okay. I liked this better.

“Yeah,” I gasped a bit and nodded. “I’m okay, thanks.”

“Be more careful!” Remy lectured me as she pulled me to my feet and straightened my wig.

“I’m…sorry,” I said, looking down.

“Hey no,” Remy lifted my chin and smiled at me. “You’re fine, it was an accident. I just don’t want you to get hurt, okay? Like, that could have been really bad. Next time actually throw the ball!”

The girls around us laughed a little bit and I grinned.

“I’ll do better next time, I promise.”

“Well,” Remy said, handing me the ball again. “Let’s see if you can actually get some air this time. Wind your arm back and give it a toss!”

The girls dispersed and went back to whatever they were doing. As I tossed the ball and let Bernard bring it back to me countless times I suddenly realized I liked having all of that attention; they actually cared whether or not I was hurt. People cared about me. It was…such an odd feeling.

We played in the enclosure for about two hours and then Remy announced that it was time to pack it in and head home.

“Come on sis, you’re riding with me,” Remy said. “You don’t need to call an Uber just to get back to the house."

“Thanks,” I smiled as we left the building and walked across the parking lot.

“Oh hey, do you have a dress?” She asked.

“Well yeah,” I said. “I have the one I wore to our initiation.”

“Mmm, too formal,” She said. “I think you wore the same one to the ceremony too…”

“Uh, yeah…” I admitted. “Oh! I have the one my sister, I mean Brianna gave me.”

“Okay,” She said. “We have a semi-formal coming up this weekend and yeah I know what dress you’re talking about…it might work. Maybe we should go through my closet and find something for you to wear.”

“You mean…you’d want me to wear something of yours?”

“Sure,” She said. “You’re my little sis, I can find something for you. The semi-formal is a mixer, we’re getting together with OED or, Omega Epsilon Delta. It’s a frat. Normally we get dates for this sort of thing um…I need to ask…”

I blushed. What was she about to ask?

“Yes?” I squeaked.

“Do you like guys or girls? I’m only asking because we need to find you a date.”

“Oh um…girls,” I said. “I like girls.”

“Cool,” She nodded. We climbed into her car and headed back toward the house. Great. My first semi-formal, and…did I also mention my first date?