Synopsis: Allison works on recovering from her injuries and tries to choose a new sorority.

“Remy, I don’t like this,” I said quietly. We were laying in my bed at Brianna’s house, her arms wrapped around my chest as I grasped her hands. Her warm body laying flush with mine, and her warm breath overtaking the back of my neck. I was content, but I wasn’t. “I feel like…like I have a purpose for the first time in my life. I spent so much time playing video games or watching TV, I always felt like I could be something more, and now that I am, they want me to stop.”

“I talked to Brianna right after you got out of the hospital,” She turned the tables a bit and took my hand in hers, gently massaging my fingers and drawing my arms in closer to my body. “I think that she’s really, really worried. She didn’t realize how dangerous this whole thing would be. She’s panicking.”

“What about you?”

“I’m worried. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. This whole thing, it’s…I just got to know you and I feel like I almost lost you yesterday. I guess it all comes down to what you want to do. I mean, if I were in your position I’d want to be coddled, protected. I would want to feel safe but…maybe you’re just a stronger person than I am.”

“No you’re not stronger than I am,” I peered off into the corner of the room, toward a wall illuminated by the light of the moon, a million miles away and hanging just outside the window, framed like a picture and staring in on all of our deepest secrets. The moon was the sole witness to this conversation and the observer of my deepest fears. “I just…I am afraid. I know that it’s going to cost me to keep going. It’s going to cost me a lot. But I want to help. I’ve spent so much time online reading posts from people who were in horrible situations and I always wished I could be…in a position to help, and…”

“I understand,” She said softly as she kissed the back of my head and continued massaging my hand. “and I admire you for it. I really, really, really do, but you…I mean...I just don’t want you to get so lost in helping everyone else that you forget about self-care.”

There was a long silence; I thought maybe she’d fallen asleep but as I listened, her breathing hadn’t quite reached that rhythmic pattern yet. She was still awake. I smiled a bit, imagining what she looked like back there.

“Hey Remy?” I said. “You know how I said I don’t write fiction?”

“Mhmm,” She responded. “Was kind of a…weird thing to say now that I think about it. Was like you were talking to someone who wasn’t even in the room.”

“Maybe we’re part of a movie,” I giggled. “Maybe I was talking to the audience.”

“Nah,” She said. “I don’t really see us as part of a movie. Maybe we’re like…short fiction on a TG website. That would be cool, right?”

“Um, no,” I said. “Because if this were fiction then it would mean whoever is writing us is not only an asshole, they’re extremely depressed. This whole thing would read like a cry for help.”

“You are putting WAY too much thought into it,” She sighed. “So, what about writing fiction?”

“Well I thought it would be really cool to write some trans fiction. I mean there’s a lot of it out there but it always turns into erotica, or bondage or whatever. That stuff is cool, at least until the writer stops masturbating and then the story just goes downhill. What if I could write some super good trans fiction that read like…like a real book?”

“That would be cool, you could post it online to see what kind of reactions you get?”

“I could,” I agreed. “But I’m having trouble figuring out what to write. Okay, so one idea I had was for this guy named Todd; he’s trans okay? He’s trans but he’s in the closet and he breaks into a sorority one night—”

“Is this your personal fantasy?”

“And he tries on a dress, but gets caught. The sorority girls don’t punish him, they just help him becomea woman but…the story is really convoluted and nothing is every straight forward-“

“Sounds boring,” Remy yawned. “What else do you have?”

“Okay what if a guy is paralyzed like completely completely and totally paralyzed and he can’t move for like four years. Then one night he goes to sleep and he wakes up as a girl, on a space station called Deshima. Oh and he can move.”

“What’s cool, what would you call that one?” Remy asked.

“Maybe…Deshima?” I don’t know, which one should I write though?”

“Ask your imaginary audience,” She giggled.

“Sorry Remy,” I laughed a little, but then stopped as my stitches began to stretch. “They’re imaginary.”

“Go to sleep,” She said, snorting.

I smiled as we fell asleep, me deep in her embrace. I felt warm, and safe. I hoped it was a feeling that would last. When I opened my eyes again the first rays of sunlight were seeping into the window, occupying the space from which the moon had watched us sleep. Remy was gone. I was confused for a moment but then I remembered that she had said something about an officer meeting back at Alpha Gamma this morning. I sighed a bit and sat up in bed, noticing she’d left her pink hoodie crumpled at the end of the bed. I smiled happily as I shrugged into it; it was a bit big for me and I kind of giggled at how much smaller I was than her. I sat there thinking momentarily with one foot hanging lazily over the end of the bed and one tucked up against my body with my chin resting on my knee, engulfed in Remy’s sweater. I didn’t sit there too long before there was a knock at the door.

“Allison are you awake in there?” Brianna called out for the other side. “I need to go over somet things with you!”

“Come on in,” I called back. She opened the door and smirked a bit, seeing me dressed in Remy’s hoodie.

“We really need to go through these bids you got,” She said. “You have one from every sorority on campus, and they’re all pretty amazing. I went ahead and did some research on them for you so let’s start with Omega Epsilon Beta. That’s Tiffany, the girl who came here the other day. You’d really like them, they’re sweet, super girly, like you, though they’re also super athletic. A lot of them are cheerleaders, you might have trouble keeping up with them.”

“Keeping up with them?” I cocked my head. “I’m not an invalid you know.”

“I know,” She said. “But they have this mandatory fitness…thing. Do you think you can run a mile every day?’

“Uh..what if they get a member that can’t run?”

“I think they carry the water,” Brianna said. I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. “Okay, you also have Kappa Tau Chi, it’s a really good one, um, they have some good incentives for alumni, like career placement, things like that. A lot of them are super nerdy so I think you’d fit right in.”

“Are you calling me a nerd?” I asked playfully.

“Kinda am, sis,” She giggled. “Okay, Omega Muh Lambda. They’re a service fraternity, they do humanitarian things. Last year They took a trip to South America on summer vacation to build houses.”

“That sounds exciting!” I said. “It’s kinda like philanthropy!”

“Yeah, I three with the Peace Corps after college, I really enjoyed it. Kinda the same.”

“What’s this one?” I pointed to another bid card.

“Oh, this is Pi Lambda Sigma. They’re like, the girliest of the girliest. They actually have a dress code, you have to maintain a certain appearance, blouse, skirt, or dress pants, whatever. Um, they’re big on being debutants, if you know what I mean. I wouldn’t go with this unless you like being practically forced to learn the difference between a salad fork and a regular fork, oh, and all that fancy lady stuff. I mean god, sitting around with a book on your head so you keep your back straight – they do that to their pledges. Don’t go with that one, it’ll drive you crazy.”

“Okay,” I said. “I want that one.”

Brianna stared at the bid card for a second, blinked, and then looked up at me. She blinked again and tried to regain her composure.

“What?” She finally managed to force the words out of her mouth.

“It’s what I want,” I said. “I want to be girly, I want to learn how to be a lady. That’s the point of all this, right?”

Allison,” She said very pointedly. “You know how you put on your lipstick in the morning, how it’s always a little crooked?”

“Yeah,” I had never managed to get it right, try as I might, over, and over, and over again.

“They’ll haze you for that,” She said dramatically, putting emphasis on the word ‘haze’ and widening her eyes as if it would have some kind of detrimental effect on me. “I’m not talking about the hazing you see in the movies, it’ll be subtle, you’ll hate it.”

“Okay, Brianna,” I said, feeling a little exhausted; my wound was starting to bug me. “I’m not sure how to put this nicely so I’m just going to say it. You’ve been controlling my life ever since rush and…this time I want to do my own thing, and my own thing is joining Pi Lambda Sigma, okay?”

“Allison,” She said quietly. “I’m going to set you on fire.”

“Brianna.”

“Okay, okay,” She sighed. “You’re right, we have been a little controlling but it’s not because I don’t want you to live your life, it’s because I love you any want you to be happy. When I first heard that you might be transgender I wasn’t…freaked out, or confused. I was worried, Allison. I was worried because you were about to jump into a world you knew nothing about. I…it scared me that you had never been taught to protect yourself as a woman. I mean, I grew up learning stupid little things like carrying my keys between my fingers so I can claw someone’s eye out if I have to. Or you know, never putting your back to a van in a parking lot, or always park beneath a street light. You just haven’t been conditioned in the same way every other woman has and I just…want you to be protected until you can learn. You’re my little sister, I love you, and I want to protect you but you know what? I can’t really argue with Pi Lambda Sigma in that regard -they’ll protect you, it’ll just get a little awkward.”

“I think I can handle it,” I shrugged.

“You know you can’t just switch to another house if you don’t like this on, right? It’s a bit of a stretch that they’re all offering you bids this late in the game and it’s because of who you are.”

“I think I’ve already proven that I stick with my decisions,” I said adamantly.

“Alright,” She sighed. “Well, let’s get you to the bathroom and change your bandage. Oh, and get you made up. If you’re going to see Pi Lambda Sigma you’re going to want to wear something other than Remy’s hoodie.”