Synopsis: Allison contemplates her fate and makes an unexpected revelation

“Allie? Allie?” I heard Brianna speaking to me but her voice seemed so far away. The sound of the rain had been drowned out by an inner despair that was building up inside me and overtaking my very being. I felt detached; numb, like nothing mattered. Nothing mattered. Nothing ever did matter. I felt her touching my arm, trying to get some sort of response from me but I wanted nothing. I wanted to be no one. I wanted my world to fade away into nothingness. I wanted to simply evaporate from that couch and fade away from reality. I was so empty, I was meaningless.

“ALLIE!” I heard Brianna scream.

I looked up at hear slowly with singing, aching eyes. I had drawn my legs up to my body on the couch and I had been rocking back and forth slowly, I don’t know why. I met her gaze but it seemed so…far off. Was she there? Was I there?

“Allie, come on, talk to me,” She said insistently. “It’s not over, we can appeal this, I promise. Allie?”

“I’m…I’m not a girl,” I muttered quietly. “I never…I never…”

“Allie stop it, don’t say that. You’re just as much of a woman as I am." I shook my head violently and began to slowly rise from the couch, stumbling backwards as lighting flashed outside the bay window. Brianna stood up and approached me slowly, probably ready to stop me if I did anything stupid, but what did I care if she…what did I care?

“I’m sorry,” I said to her, staring right through her rather than at her. “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.”

“No, Allie,” She said urgently. “You are good enough. You’re better than good enough, you’re extraordinary. You’re everything I could ever want in a sister and you’re going to continue being my sister even if this doesn’t get worked out. I love you, we’re family. We have a bond that can’t be broken, don’t you understand that? You don’t have to be an Alpha Gamma for me to love you.”

She was crying, I was crying I guess but I just felt so numb. I couldn’t handle it. I turned and bolted toward the stairs as quickly as I could, stumbling and nearly falling to the floor a few times a I went. I heard her screaming after me, I heard the pounding of her socked feet against the carpeted floor as I ascended the stairs and burst into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. With a click of the lock I was alone, save for her pounding on the door from the hallway.

“Allie, Allie open the door,” She screamed. “Come on, just let me in, we need to talk. ALLIE!”

I stared at myself in her mirror, my face was tear stained and my hair was tangled from sleep. Those hair extensions; the weave that they had put in for me. I wasn’t a girl. I wasn’t. I screamed loudly and began to tear the bathroom apart looking for scissors of some kind. A knife, ANYTHING. There was nothing in here, why was there nothing in here? I pulled the drawers out of the vanity and dropped them onto the floor, falling down once and stoving my finger beneath the drawer as it slammed into the floor. I screamed in pain, drawing more frantic shouting from Brianna outside the door. There was nothing sharp enough in here, so I stood in front of the mirror and began yanking at my extensions. They had to come loose, they had to. I wasn’t a girl. I was an imposter, a fake. I needed to stop deluding myself.

“Allie, please, open the door!” She was pleading now, I could hear the desperation in her voice but I had created an impenetrable barrier between us. It was like she had been cordoned off into another reality; I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve anyone. I had lied to myself, how could I be a girl? One of the extensions began to come loose; I could see a droplet of blood running down my scalp. I screamed in pain and threw myself against the back wall of the bathroom, then regained my balance and continued pulling. Suddenly, the bathroom door burst open and Brianna bounded in. Of course, she had a key.

“Allie what the hell are you doing?!” She shrieked. There was just enough room, I shot past her slipping on a pile of sanitary pads that had fallen onto the floor during my search. She managed to grab me briefly, but I broke free, stumbling into the hallway, bouncing off of the walls like a ping pong ball until I finally slid past the landing and stumbled down the stairs. “Oh Jesus you’re going to kill yourself!”

I shot back down in to the kitchen; I had to get out of the house. I had to run. I couldn’t be here. I couldn’t be Allison. I couldn’t be anyone. As I started to bolt toward the nearest door, I suddenly felt her from behind. She spun me around by the shoulder and literally shoved me to the ground, onto the marble tile and pinned my wrists above my head, pressing her thumbs forward so that they ground into the bone just below my palms. I screamed. I screamed loud. I screamed even louder when she drove a knee into my stomach and pinned me like I was nothing.

I looked up at her with blurred vision, she wasn’t quite glaring, she was just sitting there, out of breath and looking horrified.

“Brianna just let me go, please let me go,” I wailed.

“Shut your god damn mouth,” She hissed. “Look at you, you’re bleeding, what the hell is wrong with you? Is this how an Alpha Gamma girl acts?”

“I’m not an Alpha Gamma girl!” I sobbed. “I’m not even a girl.”

“You ARE a girl,” She insisted. “And you know what? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that all these years I couldn’t see the pain you were feeling inside. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you, I wasn’t a shoulder to cry on. I am so, SO sorry that I wasn’t there for you to talk to but god dammit woman I’m here now and you’re going to talk to me. This isn’t fair to me you little shit. This isn’t fair to me at ALL. I JUST got a new little sister, do you know how long I’ve wanted a little sister? Do you have any idea? Do you know how happy I was to find out that you were here all along? Now that we’re both here, we’re going to talk, we’re going to get to know eachother, and we’re going to figure this whole thing out. Don’t dismiss me just because things didn’t go your way.

“It’s…it’s not just that,” I said, trying to shift a little, but Brianna had me pinned; I couldn’t move an inch, it even hurt to move my fingers. I gave her a pained look, but she refused to release her grip on me.

“Then what is it?” She demanded. “Explain it to me.”

“What are they going to think of me? What is Remy going to think? I couldn’t make it…I couldn’t even become a full sister after that put so much work…into me.”

“Allie, why do you care that much? I know it’s Alpha Gamma but you can graduate without being in a sorority; there are so many other things that you can do with your life. Yeah, mom and I were happy that you made it into the house and we were really, really proud that you stuck it out, but you getting kicked out? That’s not your fault. You stuck through, you stayed the course, and you would have finished. You may STILL finish, this isn’t over. Don’t worry about disappointing Remy.”

“But I am worried about it,” I sobbed.

“Why?” She demanded insistently.

“BECAUSE I LOVE HER!” I screamed, trying again to force my way out of the sister’s grip. The look on her face turned into one of realization but instead of loosening up she bore down harder on me, making sure I couldn’t move a muscle.

“What?” She said. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m in fucking love with her! I love everything about her and I want her to love me but I know that can never happen because she’s my big sister and she’s the president and…and I can’t start anything with anyone in the house. I just want to make her happy and doing well in AG is the ONLY thing I have! It’s not fair! None of this is fucking fair!”

“Okay you know what?” My sister said as she maintained a firm grip on me. “I think it’s damn fair.”

“What?” I shook my head. “How can you say that?”

“Oh it’s really easy,” She growled. “Look at everything you have! You might not have Alpha Gamma, the house, but you have all the friendships that you made there. You made friends that you’re going to have for LIFE. You have Remy, Laura, Cassandra, Michelle. You have a renewed relationship with me and mom, you have yourself. You have a support network that most trans people would kill to have and yet you’re still sitting here acting like you have it worse than anyone in the world? You’re worth a lot, Allison. You’re worth more than just the title of Alpha Gamma sister. You’re a beautiful young lady and you have a huge, bright future ahead of you full of people who love you. I want you to fucking repeat it back to me, tell me you’re beautiful.”

“I…” I couldn’t say it, but she more down on me harder and stared at me intently. “I’m beautiful.”

“Say it again!”

“I’m beautiful!”

“You’d better fucking believe it,” She said. “I’m going to let you up, are you going to act like a sane person?”

I tried to nod but I could barely move my head, so she just let up a little bit. She moved back and pulled me up into a sitting position, taking me into her arms as I wailed into her chest.

“It’s okay,” She reassured, me, stroking the back of my head. “It’s going to be okay, I promise. We’re going to work this out and even if it doesn’t go the way we want it, we’re going to figure something out. You’re still going to go to school and you’re still going to be Allison. Okay?’

“Okay,” I sniffled and continue letting her hold me. Despite everything, it felt good to be loved. Suddenly, I felt her look up, toward the kitchen entryway.

“Um, Remy?” She said. “How…long have you been there?”