Synopsis: Allison meets her new big sister

“Sisterhood, Love, Unity, Commitment, Tradition, Honesty. These are among our core values and you have each been selected not by chance but because you have the potential to uphold and fulfill those values. Each and every one of you, is special in her own way.” The conference room had been darkened and Remy stood in front of us. For the first time I noticed that the AG logo was emblazoned onto the wooden floor of the room and a set of accent light nearby seemed to illuminate it, though just enough that it didn’t kill the atmosphere. The rest of the room was illuminated by candlelight. Each pledge held a candle, but each sister, standing around the inside of the conference table held a lit candle. The ceremony had been explained to us, now all that was left was to perform it.

I felt giddy, to put it mildly. The air was electrified. I was part of something, I belonged. There was a brief silence and then Remy continued.

”Alpha Gamma is more than just a house, it is a life giving tree, its roots ensnare our hearts and binds us together so that we may move forward as one, offering our support and our love to one another no matter where our path takes us in life. You will one day leave this house, but you will carry this sisterhood in your hearts. Today you take an important step on that journey. For each of you a big sister has been chosen. She will instruct you not only in the ways of Alpha Gamma, but also in the ways of life so that you may better yourself. Make no mistake, however. We still have much to learn from eachother. When your name is called, step forward and perform the ritual.”

Remy unfolded a piece of paper and read off the first name.

“Veronica, please step forward.”

As she did, Arianna stepped toward the center, the two met in the middle.

“With this flame I offer you a part of myself, my knowledge, my wisdom, and my love so that I may guide you, and so what we may move forward together,” Arianna spoke the ritual words.

“I accept your gift, so what we may move forward together, as sisters,” Veronica responded. Arianna used her candle to light Veronica’s, and they moved toward the back. The next girl went, and then the next girl. I waited patiently but filled to the brim with anxiety. I felt nervous about walking up in front of all these people. It shouldn’t have bothered me that much honestly. I mean, any shred of dignity I’d had was ripped away over the last few days; a little ceremony and some public speaking shouldn’t’ be making me nervous; but it was.

My fears degenerated into worry as the ceremony pressed onward and I wasn’t called up. Did no one choose me? Had my worst fear been realized? Would I be the only person in the house without a big sister? I think at that point I was so embarrassed I wanted to run but my feet felt as if they were glued to the floor; my legs rubber. The last girl was finally called, then paired off with a sister named Lila. I remembered Lila, actually; she was the one who has blocked me from leaving the conference room the day Remy had confronted me. Maybe it was a good thing I hadn’t gotten her, but who had I gotten? I looked around, I was the last one standing.

“Allison,” Remy’s voice boomed throughout the conference room. “Step forward.”

Timidly and carefully I forced myself to move forward, holding my candle close to my chest just as every other girl had done. I kept my face forward but my eyes darted around as I tried to gauge the room. Who was left? Was everyone staring at me? Was I even supposed to be here? Was I really even HERE in the first place? My god it had to be a dream.

I came to Remy and stopped in front of her. She must have seen the worry in my eyes, she smiled a bit and whispered quietly so that only we could hear.

“Are you okay?”

“I think so,” I whispered back.

“You’re pale as a ghost,” She observed.

“I guess I am,” I tried to smile and shrug it off but failed miserably.

“Allison, listen,” Remy suddenly placed a hand on my cheek. It felt amazing, it felt warm, it felt…safe. “When you came here for Rush on Friday I’m not going to lie. I kind of hated you. I thought you were arrogant, and I thought you were mocking us. I’ve only known you for four days but in the time, you joined us here, the change has been absolutely amazing. It’s no wonder you were awkward and creepy as a guy. You were never meant to BE a guy. You’re our sister now and we’ll take care of you.”

I wanted to cry again. What was it with me and crying lately? Remy smiled and stepped back a bit.

“With this flame I offer you a part of myself, my knowledge, my wisdom, and my love so that I may guide you, and so what we may move forward together,” She moved forward and leaned her candle in halfway.

“I…I accept your gift, so what we may move forward together, as sisters,” I moved my candle forward, allowing us to meet in the middle. She smiled at me in the soft glow and motioned for me to walk back to the others.

“The ceremony is complete,” Remy said loudly. “Let us move forward as sisters.”

“Let us move forward as sisters,” We responded.

The ceremony ended, we shuffled out of the conference room, each of us with a renewed sense of purpose. My head was still spinning; had that just happened? Did Remy really choose me? Why had she chosen me?

“Hey!” Veronica stopped me as I wandered aimlessly through the common area. “What’s that amazing? I can’t believe I got Arianna, she’s like, the BEST.”

“Yeah,” I said, smiling. I was starting to feel a little more comfortable just talking to people. “I still can’t believe Remy picked me, I mean…the president?”

“Well I’m sure she had her reason!” Veronica said excitedly. “You can ask her all about it, we’re supposed to have some one on one time with our big sisters you know, in a little bit.”

“We are?”

“You don’t pay attention much do you?” Veronica laughed. “That’s okay, I know you have a lot going on. Speaking of which!”

Veronica was looking over my shoulder; I turned to see Remy who had apparently changed back into her favorite hoodie and a pair of yoga pants. She grinned and gave me a quick hug.

“Hey,” She said. “Did you enjoy the ceremony?”

“Yeah, I did,” I said. “But…I guess I’m kind of confused. Why did you pick me? What’s so special about me?”

“Come on,” Remy told me. “We’ll talk about it.”

She led me upstairs, and past my room. I’d never been this far back before; I’d been told that as a pledge I wasn’t technically supposed to be upstairs, or sleeping in the house but they had made an exception for me. Their only condition was that I only use the bathroom and my room. I had stuck to it religiously. We wound around the balcony until finally we came to a door at the end of the hallway.

“My room,” She said. “I get one all to myself; presidential privilege and all.

The room beyond the door wasn’t huge though it was certainly bigger than the others in the house. Definitely a presidential suite. She immediately went for the bed, plopping down and pulling her legs up Indian style. She motioned for me to join her, so I nervously crossed the room and sat on the edge.

“Come on,” She laughed, pulling me further onto the bed until I was facing her. “Okay, so yeah you’re confused but let me explain why. Like I said before it’s only been a few days you have come…a LONG way and I really can’t wait to see how much further you’ll go. I mean there are a lot of little things that you probably haven’t even noticed. The way you walk has changed, the way you talk, it’s all just fantastic. The problem is that yeah, while you’ve taken to all of this naturally there are still a lot of things to work on and in my opinion you still need to be protected. You probably feel like you’ve made great strides but this is only the beginning, you know what I mean?”

“Wait,” I said. “You’re saying you only picked me for your little sister because you think I need to be protected?”

“Kind of,” She nodded. “But also because I like you. Honestly, it’s a big sister’s job to protect her little sister whether it’s a blood relationship or not. I also think you have a lot to teach me. We’ll be good for eachother. Enough of that, though. Tell me how you’re feeling.”

What she said kind of made sense, I guess. It was all still a whirlwind of emotion; emotions I never would have dared to express as a man. How was I supposed to explain how I was feeling now? I mean I knew the emotions but I didn’t have words for them.

“I guess…” I started. “I mean…I feel…I feel out of place kind of. I don’t mean I feel like I don’t belong here. Things feel right for the first time in a long time but it’s weird I guess because I have to walk through the world in such a different way. When some of the girls were walking me to class earlier today they told me it was never a good idea to walk alone even in the daytime. I didn’t really…I mean when I was a guy I walked everywhere by myself and I didn’t even think about it but now I’m kind of…”

“Afraid?” Remy finished my sentence for me.

“Yeah I’m…I’m afraid. I can feel people looking at me outside. I draw more attention and sometimes I feel like I’m on display even if I’m just walking to class. It’s not about being trans; I don’t think anyone can tell because Brianna and everyone else does such a good job with my makeup, but because I’m out there and I’m wearing a skirt or a dress or whatever and they feel they have the right to look at me. I’ve gone from being invisible to being everyone’s business.”

“It’s true,” Remy confirmed for me. “When you make a transition like this, you’re doing more than just putting on a dress and some makeup. That’s a big part of it but you’re also assimilating into a class and gender that has always been objectified. It’s not as bad as it used to be but having been a man you’re going to feel some of the impacts pretty hard. That’s another reason I chose you. I like you but I also want to hear about how you’re doing and what you’re experiencing so I can help you. I wanted more time for you because yeah we did give you a pretty hard push and I know you weren’t ready but to balance it out, we’re going to be here to help you. I’m going to be here to help you. We are ALL going to be here to help you. Being a part of this sisterhood is more than just a club, we’re here for eachother, for life. I’m you big sister, for life, do you understand that?”

“Yeah, I…I do,” I said. I was feeling overwhelmed again; I couldn’t believe anyone cared this much about me. A lot had happened over the last few days and in many ways my mind was still trying to catch up with my body.

“Soooo,” Remy said. “We’re having a dinner tonight to celebrate. I hope you like chicken.”

I couldn’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be, and it felt good.