Synopsis: Allison confronts her big sister and purges her old life

The ceremony ended, I looked down at my chest, touching the pink and white pin that my sister had attached to the collar of my dress. It was all so surreal, I can’t even begin to describe it. I spotted my sister in the crowd, talking to Remy and Laura. Of course she would be talking to the president and vice president. Why wouldn’t she be? I looked around at the rest of the girls, they were all so happy, laughing, talking…was I allowed to be that happy?

“Hey!” Veronica came up to me and gave me a quick hug. “How does it feel? Is it as great as you thought it would be?”

“I…” I started to say.

“Of course,” She smiled. “You’re overwhelmed, why wouldn’t you be. It’s like a dream come true, huh?”

It was, but it was still so…

“Pledge Allison!” My sister cut through the crowd and confronted me. “Join me please.”

She looked at me expectantly, her voice cut through the room so sharply that the girls around me literally parted like the red sea; she was nothing like I remembered.

“Uh, are you in trouble?” Veronica asked me.

I nodded.

“Yeah.” My sister continued to look at me expectantly. I could tell her patience was wearing thin. I made my way over to her and I fully expected to be chewed out on the spot, but instead she placed her hand in the small of my back and led me to the conference room where I’d first met my fate the day before.

“Come on,” She said softly, taking me to the back wall where the Greek AG letters stood affixed to the wood paneling. “Stand here, put your arm around me, like that, yeah.”

A second later, Remy walked into the room holding a camera.

“You guys ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” My sister said, sounding exasperated.

“What are we doing?” I asked.

“Smile for the camera, pledge,” She said. “Mom wants a picture and this is a day you’re going to want to remember anyway.”

I really didn’t think I’d want to remember this but I smiled anyway and Remy snapped the picture.

“Okay,” My sister, Brianna said as she stepped away from me. “We have a few hours left and we need to get over to your dorm. We’re going to take my car, Laura and Cassandra will follow us. They’ll be able to handle the packing. You’re still in single room one, right?”

I nodded. She wasn’t exactly being nice, she sounded rushed. Like she wanted to get this over with. She still hadn’t yelled at me; what was going on? She took my hand and squeezed it softly, guiding me out of the conference room and through the crowd in the common room. We passed through the front door, down the walk and she held her car door open for me, gesturing at me to get in. Once I was seated she closed the door and walked around to the other side, starting the engine and pulling out into the street.

We passed the ride in silence, the full fifteen minutes to my dorm. We walked in silence from the car to the elevator, meeting Laura and Cassandra outside my old room. They’d somehow managed to get there first.

“We ready?” Laura asked, rubbing her arms. It was always a little bit cold in this hallway.

“Yeah,” Brianna nodded. She reached into her purse and pulled out a room key. My dorm room key. Not a copy, my specific key. Of course, they had all the stuff I’d brought with me to the AG house. “Let’s go.”

We walked into the room and Laura flipped the light on. It was like walking into mausoleum. I didn’t have much stuff but it was like a monument to who I used to be just a few days ago. Brianna had just dropped me off here a week ago; I’d flown in from Washington State and she lived like fifteen minutes from the school. It was all very convenient until now.

“Sit on the bed,” Brianna pointed toward my bed which had been perfectly made up before I left. I was particular about keeping clean.

“Don’t I need to help?” I started to ask. She pointed again and shook her head. As I sat on the bed, Cassandra and Laura located the suitcases I’d brought with me when I moved in and began packing. Sitting there with my feet dangling over the edge and my hands on the mattress behind me for support, Brianna began to walk back and forth, looking me over as if she were inspecting me. She brought her hand to her face and placed a finger on her chin as she walked around and looked at me from behind. Finally she walked back around and towered over me.

“There are…acceptable ways to come out as transgender to your family,” She said, looking directly at me and crossing her arms. You could have come to us in person or sent an e-mail. Something like ‘Hey mom, hey Brianna, I think I might be a girl trapped in a boy’s body’. Maybe you could have baked a cake and written it out in icing. That would have been cool. I love cake, Allison. Oh, did you ever consider a singing telegram? Anything, ANYTHING would have been better than rushing our old sorority in bad drag and telling a bunch of lies.”

“I’m really sorry,” I said. I was being genuine, I really WAS sorry. “I didn’t know it was your old house and—”

“ALLISON!” She shouted. I jumped, practically retreated onto the mattress, pulling my legs up in front of me. “When I dropped you off at this dorm last WEEK I drove past the AG house and said ‘Look, there’s my old sorority house!’ Were you paying attention? At all? Or were you off in your own little world?”

Laura and Cassandra could surely overhear the conversation as they moved about packing up my things but they chose not to interject anything. I saw Cassandra glance my way a few times but that was about it.

“I guess I-“

“You DON’T pay attention, Allison. You never have. Well guess what? You’re going to have to start paying attention if you want to make it through this. Look, I know a lot of trans girls, and trans women and let me tell you something, this is NOT the way you wanted to deal with this. You should be doing it at your own pace, but guess what? We’re willing to put the sorority above your personal needs for the moment. You’re not going to have a pity party, you’re going to woman up and do it. You have me, you have Remy, you have Laura, you have all the girls at AG that are going to help you with your makeup, your behavior, getting you through classes. All of that.”

I guess I was crying again. She reached into her purse and pulled out a tissue, dabbing it under my eyes and shaking her head.
“Allison, I love you and in a way I kind of like this. I never had a little sister, and I really never thought I’d have a sister who would pledge to the same sorority as Mom and I. I mean this is kind of amazing in its own way but oh my God, you’re going to have to shape up. Alpha Gamma isn’t some clubhouse where girls have pillow fights. This is serious business, do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I…I think so?” I really didn’t.

“It’s like what we told you earlier,” Laura approached the bed. “Being a member of a sorority, especially one like ours is about sisterhood, it’s a gateway to your future. We support eachother in every single way. You need a little more support than everyone else but we’re going to get you there.”

“They will,” Brianna confirmed. “From what I hear you hit up every house on Rush night and scarfed up all the food but you were lucky to land in AG. Part of the agreement is that I check up on you regularly and you can bet I’m going to ride you hard but in the end I think we’re going to come out of this with a better relationship.”

“Why…why are you doing all this?” I wrapped my arms around my knees and Brianna moved in, gently unwrapping them and pushing my legs down, leaving me feeling more vulnerable in front of her. This was weird, and terrifying all at the same time. My sister was speaking down to me with an authority I’d never experienced from her. I was starting to understand it. I was her sister but I was also a pledge in her former house and she was treating me as such. I’d never seen this side of her and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Afraid? Impressed?

“There’s the reputation issue,” She said to me. “We’re protecting the honor of our house. Even though mom and I aren’t part of the chapter we’re still alumni and we swore our own oaths. But you know, in spite of that, mom could have just pulled your tuition payments and left you to fend for yourself. We probably could have patched it up in a few years, but I wanted to try something different.”

“Wait,” I stammered. “You did this to me?”

“Yeah,” She nodded. “I did. To be honest I didn’t think you’d go through with it. I thought you’d cut and run like you have with everything else in your life but for some reason you stayed and toughed it out.”

I didn’t feel like I’d toughed anything out. I felt like I’d been coerced into every single part of it. Had there really been a chance for me to leave? Maybe there had. I nodded.

“I guess…” I said.

“Maybe you stayed because this is where you really wanted to be. Maybe you flaked on everything else in your life because it just didn’t feel right. Maybe you’ve found your home here, just like mom and I did. You’ll walk the same path I did. In some ways it’ll be harder, but you need this. I know you need this. It explains SO much. Why you were always so awkward, why you never had friends, why you were never interested in anything. You were waiting for something, I think this was it.”

“Found the girl clothes,” Cassandra said as she pulled a trunk from the back of my closet. “Let’s see what we’ve got here.”

At Brianna’s insistence I stayed on the bed and watched from afar as Cassandre tore through the trunk.

“Crap, crap, this is SO six years ago, crap, crap, oh look, more long black skirts. What are you, Amish?”

I groaned. I liked those outfits, a lot.
“Hey, it’s her makeup bag,” Laura said. “Okay it’s literally a ziplock bag. Look at these brands. It’s all Elf and Maybelline. Allison why do you have oil based foundation and a water based primer? It’s no wonder saw right through you at Rush.”

“I was doing the best I could,” I muttered. Brianna turned to look at me.

“You had access to Mom’s credit card and the best you could do was ‘Fit Me’ foundation?” She kind of smirked at me. I don’t know why or how to explain it but it kind of felt good to have her judging me on this.

“It was…cheap,” I explained. “I didn’t want to raise too many questions, you know? Mom would ask what I was spending the money on if…”
“Well great news,” She laughed. “Now you don’t have to explain it.”

That was true. I watched them pack up the rest of my stuff, including my laptop which Brianna handed to me.

“Come on Allison,” She said. “We have to get you ready for class tomorrow. Stop fretting. You’re free now.”