*Before…

“What did we go see?’

“Black-eyed-peas.”

I laugh. “Okay wow, glad I’m missing that now.”

He chuckles. “Really.”

“Do I listen to them now?”

“No...wait how do you know that?”

“Because they’re just one of those trend bands.”

He smiles at me and it’s so sweet. “This…” he stroked my hair again. “This is the girl that I’ve been missing.”

He kisses me again.

I’m not her but he’s seeing her in me? Or me in her?

Oh this is messed up and I just might need my thirty days of therapy.

*And Now…

We kept talking with me asking questions about me and him like….

“Do I have a degree? I mean we went to university together?”

He nods. “Bachelors of finance.”

“Business huh?”

“Well….”

“Well what?”

“You graduated, but barely.”

“Why?”

“Us, you said that your parents wanted you in the business too but it was secondary to you finding the right guy.”

“So I literally went to university to find a guy?”

Josh smiles sipping his coffee. “The right guy. Your mom was very specific about that with you. Plus when we were dating long term there was a lot of grooming of both of us.”

“Both of us?”

“They really were set on me joining your father’s firm and your mom pretty much was in heaven we were together and her only concern about your classes was to graduate because it… ‘Just Would Not Do, Not To Have A Degree.’”

He made air quotes as he did this pretty decent impersonation of someone with the whole upper crust enunciation thing.

“Ohmygod….she sounds like that?”

“Oh...oh yes, yes she does.”

I face palm and laugh a little. “Oh no wonder I was such a mess.”

He gives me this soft, sweet, worried look. “Yeah, I should’ve seen it.”

“Maybe, but people even married couples have stuff going on. I mean it’s not like I said stuff right?”

He slowly nods. “Still just talking and looking back.”

“Josh hindsight is just that behind us. All we can do it learn to do better.”

And he’s staring at me again.

“Sorry? I guess no memories means no social filter anymore.”

He laughed. “So you’re going to start swearing?”

I do the faux shocked gasp. “Holy fucking, fuck, I don’t shitting swear?”

He chokes on his coffee because he must not have been remotely expecting that.

I can’t help but laugh because of that and it feels right.

Like the way my body moves, shakes, the feelings all the way from the outside sort of obvious stuff to like how my body feels bone deep. It’s that much a thing and after laughing I’m coughing from my sore throat but I’m still smiling.

That right feeling was just like the soul equivalent of being in the tub and starting to feel the hot water hit all the aches.

My insides feel literally right and I swear that I can tell.

Though laughing like that hurts more than my throat so as I’m wincing and sipping tea I’m feeling all the bruises since the accident.

I take a few minutes and a few more sips as Josh calls in the nurse to help me nd to just check and I’m fine as I can be honestly. She asks me my pain levels and I tell her I’m fine and then we take a few minutes to get me to the bathroom and I have a pretty needed pee and then she helps me back to the bed.

She takes the milk and the pump and says she’ll bring it back once she’s cleaned it and everything and and then tells Josh that the milk will be in the nursing unit fridge.

Then we’re back to some awkward silence between us.

“I’m in trouble aren’t I?”

“Yeah, you really might be. You killed a man.”

“Oh dammit….” I’m trying but it was me after all so it’s hard to know if I got that right given I wanted this, what was going on right now.

“The guy was an army vet and pretty well liked.”

I was?

“Do you know much about him?”

“Some, hard not to. Danny Patterson was an army ranger and he served in for like most of his life until he was injured in duty and opted out rather than go and was just settling into life from everything that I heard. He was just coming back from the Christening of his godchild.”

“Dammit….”

“Yeah.”

I do get swept into thinking about folks and friends that I’ll never see again. Like Ian and Julia and the baby...I don’t have friends outside the service and those were thinning out over the years too as a lot of guys, even girls didn’t make it. Some overseas, some back here.

I’ve been there.

I let the tears flow out and they come really hard and fast until I’m shaking and Josh moves to the bed and holds me.

Which makes me cry all the harder because getting held.

No one knows the real me and even right now that’s still way too true but I am so used to not being held that being held while being touch starved all my life is hitting me really hard.

And he is here.

Despite all their troubles he’s here.

He must have been trying so damned hard to get through to her/me.

It just keeps bubbling up and out in anguished crying and probably hormones and likely my injuries. You go through real emotional stuff when you’ve been hurt or beaten up, then there’s me being me and not her and him doing this and then there’s our children.

There’s no way I can put the old stopper in things like I used to.

I cry myself to sleep hanging onto Josh.

He’s there when I wake up and there’s nurses there and one of the doctors and we go over a few things as I’m being brought some “Supper”. I eat because I’m starving but the best thing was the packaged yogurt.

It all tastes different though.

New body new taste buds I guess.

It’s all pretty much standard medical stuff about the accident and checking me over some more. Pupils, blood pressure, blood gets taken which hurt more than I’m used to even though the lab tech was pretty good. And then it was a trip to radiology for some more x-rays and another CAT scan.

I was out for three days.

Literally in a coma.

No wonder Josh is sticking so close.

And his parents were there and our boys when we came out of radiology.

He literally had to point them out to me.

I’m allowed to visit, to see them while we’re here in the main lobby.

The introductions we really awkward.

I could see them anticipating something.

Definitely looking for her in there or me remembering.

Josh’s dad looks worried and sad and frankly disappointed in me and that hurts. His mom looks half scared of me and she helicopters while I’m holding my boys.

Oh god as soon as I see them I want them!

They look like Josh, they look like his dad too.

Which had them staring at me as I mention that between losing myself in all this mommy talk that bubbles out from me.

I literally had no brakes when it happened.

It felt right.

Like light and life was bubbling out of me.

And connection.

And joy.

Joy...I could not have ever told you before what joy felt like before.

Moved, happy, other things but not this, there’s nothing like this.

Molly, that’s Josh’s mom tells me which is which. “It...it might take you some time to get used to them and to know the difference.”

I shake my head no. “No, they’re different they’ve different dimples and smiles.”

Oh and yeah they smiled at me. Smiled and burbled and made these happy squeals as I kissed and nuzzled them both and smelled them.

I lose myself in being happy.

I’m a mom.

A mother.

Mommy… and this even as messed up a situation that it is just filled this missing chunk of my soul.

Molly, Josh and Jim all looked at me like I’m a space alien.

The nurses with us and the doctor seemed happy and there was some woman there that looked like staff taking notes.

It hurt, it really hurt when they said they had to go and that I had to go too.

And that wasn’t back to my room but a whole other wing.

There’s a lot of misinformation on going to a mental health ward. Aside from the special doors here and there and the extra security guys there it’s clean, even cheerful sort of with summer colors on the walls in a nice yellow and various workshops and common rooms and therapy rooms.

Dr. Jeannie Smith the woman with the notepad shows me around the place getting me up and walking and it helps.

But it’s all so different.

My height is...well I’m five six if I’m guessing and really curvy. I definitely have pregnancy weight on still and just walking around is different. I sway, without trying I sway and it’s definitely from the weight and honestly I’m really hippy and very well gifted up top to the point where I have to likely get used to moving and just negotiating my boobs.

Which I’m fine with.

The biggest thing I can’t help but to notice is my feet.

Before my feet were the end product of literally decades in combat boots and dress shoes and marching, marching, running and endless hours on concrete and pavement.

God it’s literally like having new feet.

Which is a helpful distraction from me missing my sons so intensely.

Dr. Smith introduces me to several of my nurses and they get me settled into my private room.

Josh has to say goodbye at that point and I hug him tight and he holds me some more and the Dr. has to cough and she leads him away telling him about the rules and the lists of stuff that I can have and that I can’t.

One of the nurse says she’ll get me my meds and some tea and the other one says she’ll keep my company while I shower.

The shower is.

It’s amazing.

It’s a regular shower but I’m me in it and I’m getting to feel me, be me and just experience all of that for the first time.

I’m well endowed up top, and down below. Like I said I’m very curvy and hippy and I have extra weight on and it’s a fair amount of it honestly and my muffin top is getting close to a 4 pack of cupcakes but I don’t care.

I’m still really me.

I’m really discolored too which lots of painful bruises, likely from the feel of things bruised bone, deep muscle bruising but nothing seems broken or cracked or torn.

I’m really lucky.

And I’m really pretty too.

I’m sure I had help with that but I’m pretty.

Nice face, very symmetrical in that someone definitely helped it way. I’m blonde, long full hair which will take getting used to. It’s really heavy when wet.

And I just take care of it simply with the towel and the options I have there not like I have a lot of experience with that.

Then there’s my eyes.

Big, blue, long lashes but under them and around them is that darkening that settles in you when you are exhausted.

And even three days out of it hasn’t erased that.

I’m worn out and that just sort of reminded me of everything she/I’ve been through and now everything is catching up with me hard and I’m more than welcome for the small cup of tea along with the meds.

I know there’s a tranquilizer in there but I’m happy to take them all.

I need the sleep and need to get better.

I already know I need my family.

I found a huge missing part of me and I’m going to work hard to have it, to have my second chance.

I got dressed in the scrub like outfit they gave me and the utility panties and crawled into the bed in my room.

I’ve slept on worse.

The pills are kicking in along with everything else and out of nowhere it just bubbles up and out of me as I turn off the lamp.

“Tucker….Thomas… Josh….I love you, I’ll be home as soon as I can.”