Designer Children Chapter 26 by OneShot20XX ([email protected])

Kathryn looked momentarily defeated, and then she pulled out her credit card, grabbed me by the wrist while saying, “Ring me through please, Alexis. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Moments later, I was being dragged through the parking lot.

The car door swung open and Kathryn put me in the backseat. She slid into the driver’s seat, while the child locks on either side of me clicked shut. Like a snake, Kathryn’s head slithered into my view, the rest of her body either attached to some terrible monster or simply hidden by her seat.

Despite the fact that she was no longer touching me, I could feel her anger. The hotness of her temper had easily extinguished my tantrum, and now I stood staring at her with fear, both because of my behaviour and how deeply I had sunk into Kaylee, but also because she was fucking scary. She was so much bigger than I was.

Her nostrils flared as she spoke, her voice rising until it became a yell. “Don’t you- ever- -ever- do that again, young lady! Do I make myself clear? When I say no, I mean it. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was? How everyone will talk now, especially Janet Plinkett?!”

Gradually, the yelling stopped, but still Kathryn’s voice was practically a serpentine hiss, “You may have gotten your way like that in Hollywood. You can’t act like a little hellion and expect-“

Her own words stopped her dead, but I was still quivering. She sighed deeply, and I heard the locks on either side of me click open. “I’m sorry, Kaylee. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

I was about to ask her if I could have the chocolate bar again, but I thought it might not be the best idea, so I allowed her to guide me back to the store, where our groceries were bagged and waiting for us.

The car ride home was silent. I was left with only my thoughts, and the realization that I had thrown a fit over a chocolate bar. This wasn’t anger over being betrayed, as Mrs. Feinstein had done, nor was it rage at being strapped into a baby seat for the first time, something that played havoc with what remained of my adult and male self. It wasn’t something that impacted my core, my very being.

It was a fucking chocolate bar.

This fact scared the hell out of me.

Soon enough, we were back at the Pattersons. Kathryn unloaded the car, while I remained trapped in my harness. After what seemed like forever, she returned and undid the harness. Her expression showed conflict- her jaw moved from side to side gently, seemingly mulling what to say.

“Kaylee, you’ve lost your screen time for today.” Her words were said firmly without a hint of softness. “I’m sorry again for yelling at you. I shouldn’t have done that. Now come inside and help me put the groceries away.”

I trudged into the house and entered the spacious kitchen. It housed both a preparation area and fridge and a small table, which we had used for breakfast that morning. In the corner, I could see a drawing area with kid-sized chairs, markers, crayons and a stack of colouring books.

Kathryn said, “You can wash the vegetables and fruit, sweetie.” I had never helped Eve or Greg do anything cooking related, and it was even a stretch at times to just get me to bring my plate to the sink. Because of that, they never asked for help, but what should have been a no brainer, a fuck you, why should I help you after you punished me, actually seemed to lift my spirits.

Kathryn pulled a stool in front of the sink and filled it with cold water. I was shocked to find that helping actually made me feel better- like a big…like an adult, and even more shocked when I realized it was kind of fun. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with me? My behaviour made no sense.

Thomas, who had been mowing the lawn, entered from the side door, a thin white t-shirt revealing nothing but his scrawny lanky frame. “Kaylee, looks like you got a package.”

I didn’t need to even look at the name to know that it was Mrs. Feinstein’s writing. The perfectly shaped letters that would have made a calligrapher jealous spelled out my new name, which struck my brain like a hammer through drywall, easily driving home the new reality:

To: Ms. Kaylee Patterson

2 Traveller’s Lane

Twin Falls, Minnesota

It was sent priority post. Thomas opened the package with a pair of scissors and then handed it to me. Despite it being a brand new box, the contents smelled musty, the odour filled my mind with the memory of Mrs. Feinstein’s duvet. Carefully wrapped within double plastic bags were three books: The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and The Return of Sherlock Holmes.

Inside was a handwritten note which read:

Kaylee, I want you to have these. You are a remarkable young girl. I hope that these texts will help to nurture your gift. Please read them with your new parents, so they can enjoy the experience as much as I have. Be good dear child, and if you are, perhaps I’ll bring you more when I see at Christmas.

Love Grannie

Her betrayal still fresh in my mind, I was hard pressed to be pleased with her gift, but with the constant temptation of toys and my imagination, which threatened to completely break free, I was actually pleased for the distraction. After a quick lunch, which I devoured, I made my way upstairs and positioned myself on the beige sofa.

My reading had slowed, forcing me to sound out each syllable in my mind, but at least I could still make sense of the words.

“Has she really been sitting there reading all afternoon?”

“Agatha wasn’t kidding. Should we get her tested? Those books are very advanced for her.”

“Twin Falls Collegiate has a gifted program, but the testing occurs over the summer. It’s probably too late now. But if she’s really as smart as Agatha makes her out to be, they’ll probably switch her within a week or two.”

I drifted back to my book as their conversation again turned to college programs and ivy-league schools. I felt a tingle of anxiety, knowing that I would never meet the expectations of Kathryn and Thomas as I had barely passed high school the first time. I was probably as smart as the average 7th grader, and it wouldn’t take long for them to figure it out. This pressure pushed down on my head like a slowly moving vice.

Later, while Kathryn prepared dinner, I worked on my letters, managing to avoid opening any of the colouring books. We sat down for a pretty good spaghetti meal, but something was lacking. It just wasn’t as good as Eve’s cooking. Maybe it was the fact that the noodles were these weird buckwheat thin brown things, but it just didn’t- well it didn’t taste like home.

The more I thought about my friends, who were likely mounting some kind of media campaign while I slurped spaghetti noodles, the more I realized I needed to contact them. Fuck no screen-time.

Kathryn said gently, “Honey, don’t do that. Here, would you like me to cut those for you?” The woman reached over to try and grasp my knife, but I blocked her. The Pattersons definitely ate differently than Eve and Greg. Eve tended to shovel her food, and Greg was a lip smacker, especially when he had one of Eve’s many delicious sauces to taste. Kathryn and Thomas wore napkins on their laps. They didn’t talk with their mouths full of food (another of Eve’s habits), and their bites never required more than a few chews to swallow (I was particularly guilty of this).

Kathryn carefully controlled the amount of food on her fork and how it was arranged on her plate. The spaghetti was cut neatly with enough sauce to avoid drenching the noodles, but not too little to actually taste the buckwheat. She carefully used her knife to push the food onto her fork. Fuck, even her meatballs were cut uniformly. Thomas was less organized and slightly messier, but he still made Greg and Eve (and me) look like an all-you-can-eat rib contest winner.

Kathryn frowned, “Kaylee, elbows off the table, honey.”

I glared at Kathryn, “What’d you go to Feinstein finishing school for rich bitches or something? Why does it matter how I eat?”

It was Thomas’ turn to frown, “Kaylee, watch your language.”

Kathryn nodded her head, “Yes, I went to Prescott Academy. And I’m starting to think maybe you should spend a semester there, young lady.”

Thomas scraped his knife across his plate, creating an awful screeching sound. “And I went to Twin Falls Collegiate. I think you’ll really enjoy it, Kaylee. A smart girl like you will be challenged. I promise you won’t be bored.”

Kathryn’s expression softened, “Speaking of which,” she pushed a piece of paper toward me, “you’ll be in after school care. There are some really fun activities.”

I would probably have to staple my pin to my chest to get through a week of ‘fun’. A quick glance at the sheet, and I knew my choice. “Karate.”

Thomas looked at me in disbelief and then at Kathryn, “Incredible. She decodes words like she is in middle school. Remember Emma when she was learning to read? She had to sound everything out aloud. And she had so much trouble with her vowels.” Thomas looked absolutely giddy at the prospect of another genius in the family. By middle school, however, I would probably be pulling in straight C minuses.

Kathryn was, however, less pleased, “Karate? Are you sure that’s what you want to take? What about this?” Kathryn’s well-manicured finger pointed to Beginner Ballet/Contemporary Dance.

I made a face and followed this with a sound that usually precedes vomiting. “No way. Is this my choice or what? Why did you even ask me? This is just like the cereal earlier today. Seriously, you guys need to stop mixing your parenting books. If it’s my fucking choice then it’s my fucking choice. I want to take karate.”

Thomas raised a brow, “Did- Did she just use sarcasm? Does she even know what that is?”

Kathryn said firmly, “OK, Kaylee. That’s enough. Do you know what that word means?”

I nodded as a small smile appeared on my face, “Yup. Did you want me to define it?”

Thomas sighed deeply, “Are we raising a sixteen year old or a six-year old girl? I was never like that. And I know you weren’t. Your mom and your aunt never would have allowed you to get away with that.”

Kathryn turned to Thomas, “Agatha said she was too smart for her own good. It looks like she wasn’t exaggerating.” She then turned her undivided attention on me, “As long as you continue using that language, you will have no screen-time privileges. That means no phone, no computer and no television. You are going to learn that we do not use that word in this family.”

I shrugged my shoulders, “So is this my choice or what? I told you that I want to take karate.”

Thomas scratched his head and then gently removed his glasses, “W-Well it’s just that, we’re a little concerned that you have some violent tendencies because of those games you were playing.”

I was growing less impressed by the second, “So what you are saying is that I can’t take karate because you are worried I am going to beat someone up. Well why can’t I just take it and then if you see that it’s bad for me, well you just put me in something else?”

Thomas said while replacing his glasses, “That’s very- ahem- reasonable, Kaylee.”

Kathryn frowned, “We talked about this, Thomas.”

Thomas nodded, “We did, but we also talked about you- us not pushing her into dance either. Let’s compromise. For this semester, Kaylee can take gymnastics, since it is offered at the same time. Then next semester, if she hasn’t broken our noses, we can talk about karate.”

Kathryn shook her head, “How is that a compromise? She won’t know if she likes dance if she doesn’t try it.”

Thomas replied with a smile, “Well there’s always PD days. And Christmas and March break. We can put her in a four-day program over Christmas, and if she really likes it, then we consider switching her second semester.”

I pushed myself away from the small dining table, “I’m done.”

Kathryn said, “Rinse your plate and put it in the dishwasher.”

I said, “Do I have a choice about that? Do you want to pick my clothes? Maybe you could decide when I go to the bathroom? Fuck you.”

My wannabe parents stared at me in astonishment to a point where manners were forgotten. Kathryn had opened her mouth so wide, that a half-eaten bite tumbled from her mouth and back onto her plate. There was only stunned silence as I left the room. No one moved to stop me, and my plate was left untouched.

***

I walked upstairs victorious. The fear I had felt earlier while Kathryn berated me was a distant memory. I was impenetrable steel. Mrs. Feinstein would have washed the sass out of my mouth with Ivory Snow, but the Pattersons couldn’t decide if they were disciplinarians or pushovers. Kathryn was a Feinstein, but she also seemed conflicted in embracing that fact. And this was something that I could exploit.

I returned to the beige sofa and picked up my book. Downstairs, I could hear Kathryn and Thomas talking, but it was impossible to make out what they were saying. Their voices were muffled, which likely meant they had closed the kitchen door. What more could they do to me? I didn’t care about toys, and they weren’t going to take books away from me. They didn’t seem the type to spank either. If I had spoken that way to my dad, I would have woken up a few minutes later and been very apologetic. Thomas could barely form a sentence without bumbling, while Kathryn- she liked to scream, but I could take it. The fear I felt before was just an anomaly.

Eventually, I heard footsteps on the stairs. “Kaylee! Kaylee, honey, it’s time to get ready for bed!” The pushovers had returned. I decided not to budge. The stairs creaked as Kathryn approached. I braced for a screaming tirade, but it never came.

I kept my nose in the book, attempting to completely ignore her. “I know you love that book, Kaylee, but it’s very important for you to get enough sleep.” She peeked her head over the book and then gently pulled it away from me, “It’ll still be here tomorrow. And the way you are speeding through it, well I think we’ll have to get you a library card, how does that sound? Twin Falls might be a small town, but it has a huge library.”

Seriously. Why wasn’t she yelling? The inconsistency was startling, especially since I seemed to have escaped any punishment from my behaviour during dinner.

“Now, off to pick your pajamas.”

OK, well no yelling meant I could pretty much ignore her, which is exactly what I did. Moments later, I was once again absorbing the writings of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

I read for a few minutes before I heard Kathryn’s voice again. “Do you know why it’s so important for you to get enough sleep, Kaylee?”

I lowered the book and sighed, “No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

Kathryn’s pleasant yet firm expression didn’t change, “If you don’t sleep enough, you won’t grow. You don’t want to be the same size forever, do you?”

Wait, that couldn’t be right…was it? There was such sincerity in the woman’s face and in her delivery that I at least partially believed her. Still, it was silly to think that I would always be this size. As if an hour or two extra sleep would really make a difference. My mind was, however, conflicted. For some reason, I was understanding Kathryn at a very literal level.

She continued, “It’s like this, Kaylee. Think of yourself as a seed, and the sleep you get is the water and sun that it takes to make you grow into a beautiful flower. Well if you don’t sleep, like that flower, you’ll never grow.”

My eyes were suddenly big, and my throat swallowed a sudden lump, “R-Really?” My imagination took flight, images of myself, a grown-up Kaylee, a true ‘shorty’, and still forced to sit in the five-point harness car seat.

Kathryn’s genuine expression never changed. “Really. Now, time for pajamas, sweetie.”

I still wasn’t sure if Kathryn was telling the truth, but could I really risk it? If I was stuck like this, did I want to be this height forever? A part of me thought the whole thing was ridiculous, like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, but another was gripped with this childish fear that believed Kathryn’s warning.

So, I entered my room at a quickened pace. As I riffled through the drawers attempting to choose my pajamas, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. Was I being overly dramatic? Compared to my choices for day wear, which had me dressing like an effeminate sailor, the pajamas were far, far worse. Everything was so fucking girly. Yellow, purple, and so much fucking pink.

The colours were the least embarrassing part. The pajamas looked like something a zealous grandmother might buy and then swoon over before planting a million wet kisses on a hapless child’s face. Sure, there were the “Mommy’s Girl” and “Daddy’s Little Sweetheart” sets and a large collection of Disney Princess nighties, but then there was also “Goodnight Sweet Honey Bunny” with a cartoon rabbit blowing kisses at the moon. Oh and then there was the one with a little miniature tutu that said “Future Ballerina”. Bet I knew who bought that one.

The least offensive one I could find simply said “TOO CUTE” with a purple heart surrounding it. To most, it might not have been a big deal, but the clothing cemented my identity to the outside world. I always felt closer to a role once we entered the first dress rehearsal. The clothing matched the character, and in this case, the clothing was Kaylee’s.

There was a knock on the door, and then Kathryn entered. I had only pulled the shirt over my head, and this, however, left my butt clad in a pair of pink heart panties fully visible (the panties were as bad as the fucking pajamas!). I felt my cheeks redden, but my embarrassment was washed away once Kathryn put her hand on my shoulder. “You’re doing a good job, Kaylee. Keep it up, and you’ll get your screen-time back tomorrow.”

Kathryn wasn’t Eve or Greg or even Jessica. She didn’t know who I actually was, so how I was dressed was perfectly normal to her. I was surprised too how her words, the simple ‘good job’ caused a spot behind my head to pleasantly tingle. If Greg had caught me dressed like this, I would have probably had to remove his eyeballs, but it felt different with Kathryn.

Almost normal.

I slipped on the pajama bottoms, which I realized were kind of like capris. Kathryn then led me to the bathroom where an Elsa-shaped toothbrush was waiting for me, already slathered with a pink paste that smelled like bubble gum.

“Open up, sweetie.”

I shook my head and then reached my hand out for the brush, “I can do it myself.”

Kathryn, looking momentarily surprised, gave me the brush, “Oh. Okay. Well when you’re done, we can read a story and then your d- Thomas and I will tuck you in, sound good?”

Again, I shook my head, “I don’t really want a story, since I kind of read all day. And I definitely don’t need to be tucked in.”

Instead of surprise, Kathryn simply looked disappointed. I shrugged my shoulders and started brushing my teeth. The brush buzzed while vibrating across my teeth. I had a little trouble controlling it, especially keeping it straight, and eventually I got annoyed and just turned it off.

I heard footsteps on the stairs and then moments later, Thomas peeked his head in the bathroom, “How’s it going in here?”

Kathryn sighed, “Oh. Fine.”

I spit in the sink and returned to my room. My wannabe parents, however, despite being told otherwise decided to follow me, continuing their conversation.

Kathryn said, “I just thought we’d get those cute little girl years. Where we can read her stories, tuck her in. You know little girl things. I still remember my mom singing these beautiful lullabies and brushing my hair, then tucking me in at night. But she’s so independent, she’s not interested in any of it.”

Thomas replied, “Well so she has an independent streak. I’d say that’s a good thing. And it’s only been a day, Kat. It’s probably the time she spent in Hollywood too. We’ll settle into a routine, and I’m sure she’ll come around.”

I clambered up into my four poster bed, slid underneath the Frozen sheets, dumped the stuffed animals and lay my head down on the Elsa pillow. Thomas leaned over and flicked off the lamp on the night stand, while Kathryn bent down and turned on (surprise, surprise) an Elsa nightlight.

“I don’t need that either.”

Despite Kathryn’s earlier disappointment, she turned off the nightlight without any further whining to Thomas.

Thomas said with a smile, “You be careful and not grow up overnight.”

Kathryn said gently, “Goodnight, Kaylee. We love you.” The woman approached the bed, but hesitated, ultimately choosing to stand longingly at my bedside. Fuck, were they going to blow me a kiss?

I murmured, “OK. Goodnight.”

I didn’t love them, and I was shocked they had such feelings for me after only two days, especially considering those days hadn’t been easy either. Despite my brain’s insistence at running a play-by-play of the entire day, I fell asleep relatively easily.

***

If there was one thing that I could depend on, it was my tiny bladder forcing me awake, especially when I had even a small glass of water before bed. However, it was strategic. After quickly relieving myself, I returned to the door in front of my bedroom. I listened carefully for any foot traffic downstairs, any voices. The house was pitch black, and my imagination quickly filled the darkness, but after a few deep breaths, I was ready to continue.

I closed my bedroom door, hoping that if the Pattersons were still awake, they would think I had returned to my room. In slippered feet, I slowly crept down the stairs, my tiny body devoured by more and more of the darkness with each step.

I’m not scared of the dark.

I’m not scared of the dark.

Or what’s in the dark.

My heart thumped with each step, fear crawling along the edge of my mind, like rats gnawing on drywall, a slow yet steady progression that would send me running back to my room. What I had to do was too important to be scared, and this is what kept me going.

I was thankful when I reached the landing that the massive bay windows allowed a clear moonlit sky to illuminate the downstairs area. Someone had forgotten to close the curtains, and this allowed me to quicken my pace. I reached the office with the two laptops and hovered my hand over the mousepad, bringing the password screen to light and bathing the room in a pale blue glow.

I did the same to the other and was met with the same password screen. My face broke into a grin, however, when I saw a sticky note neatly taped to the desk. Considering Kathryn and Thomas likely trusted each other, there was no need for a complex security system- like say not having the password taped to the desk.

Without the built-in muscle memory, my typing skills were subpar. They actually sucked hardcore. I slowly but surely entered the password as Midnight and was greeted with Kathryn’s desktop, which was actually a picture of me sleeping in my car seat. Creepy.

I quickly loaded up a browser and logged into my e-mail. Unsurprisingly, I had an e-mail from Eve. It read:

Ryan:

Do you seriously think that we’re just going to let you go like that? They’ve threatened stuff before, but I think they are bluffing this time. They can’t just make us disappear. With you, well your dad had passed away and you barely talked to your mom. Ashley too. Her mom died, and she didn’t have any close relatives. My freaking mom calls me practically every day, twice when she heard we were going to adopt you.

She probably knows when I go to the bathroom.

Anyway, we aren’t going to drop the appeal. We’ve got two different lawyers working on it for free. It’s not getting any media coverage, but big surprise when massive corporations own newspapers and TV stations. It’s the same old bullshit we were dealing with when we went to the media the first time.

I know that things might seem lost right now, but we’re going to bring you home. The researchers cracked another part of Travers’ code. We could be close to a breakthrough.

We are moving into the townhouse in a few weeks. You’ll love your room. We’ll have it all ready for you when we bring you home.

Love,

Eve

Fucking idiots. They were playing with fire. I had sacrificed myself for them just so they could join me.

I stared at the screen, and at the cursor which blinked and blinked and blinked at a maddening pace. Until, finally, my fingers stabbed at the keyboard:

Guys get me the fuck out of here I hate it here

losing myself every second I stay

help me please

My finger went immediately to the backspace key, but it never reached it.

“Kaylee! What are you doing out of bed?”

I froze at the sound of Kathryn’s voice, fear welling in preparation for the screaming that would take place. On the laptop screen, my reply to Eve was visible for all to see.

“Young lady, we told you specifically that our computers were off limits! On top of that, you already lost your screen time and it is way, way past your bedtime!”

Kathryn’s voice in my ears was projected with the power of a megaphone. As I had with Mrs. Feinstein, I found myself quivering in Kathryn’s presence. While I sat perched on the computer chair, my legs dangling and eyes downcast, Kathryn continued her tirade.

“It is dangerous for you to be out here! You could have hurt yourself in the dark, fallen down the stairs! You can’t do things like this. It’s just-“

I looked up for a moment, and I could see Kathryn absolutely transfixed with the screen of the laptop. Battling my cowardice, which was easier after the reprieve from the yelling, I managed to rapidly close the browser that had my reply to Eve’s e-mail.

The anger drained out of Kathryn’s face, and her posture took on the appearance of a wizened hag, her back bent forward, leaning uncomfortably, still staring at the screen. Considering her saddened expression, and the fact she wasn’t asking me who Ryan was, I assumed that she didn’t see Eve’s original e-mail.

Moments later, Thomas peeked his head in the room, “Sorry, Kat, I guess you were right.” The man shook his head and peered at me disappointedly, “You know you aren’t supposed to be in here, Kaylee. These are our work computers. Now, get back up to bed immediately.” He fiercely pointed toward the stairs, and I ran up the stairs as fast as my little legs would take me.

Light guided my path back to my room, and soon enough, I was back underneath the warm embrace of my covers. Away from the difficult decisions and Kathryn’s unmistakeably sad face.

Her face was the only thing I saw until sleep mercifully took me.

***

“Here, boy. Come here, boy.”

“Kaylee, we don’t know that dog. It m-might bite you. Get away from it.” Kathryn’s hand went out and firmly gripped my arm, but the little miniature pinscher tied to the post outside the library continued to approach. They looked like Doberman pinschers but in a pint-sized package.

Despite the conflict and the incident last night, the Pattersons had seemingly wiped my slate clean again. There was no mention of getting my screen-time privileges back, but nothing that said I was still banned either. At breakfast, Thomas repeated the rules, telling me that I had to stay in my bed, and that I wasn’t allowed in the office under any circumstances. Still, I couldn’t figure them out, Kathryn would yell, and now she was taking me to the library? Did she feel bad about yelling? And if that was the case, why wasn’t she actually bringing me for ice cream? There was no mention about last night, or what Kathryn had read on the screen either.

I turned to Kathryn, “Really? I’m surprised you don’t know every single dog in this whole town with how small it is. Look, I just know that he’s fine. Dogs that bite- there’s signs. This little guy is just thirsty.”

Kathryn, who would not relinquish her grip on my arm, said, “We should wait for the owner at least. You shouldn’t be touching someone else’s dog without their permission. And it could still bite you.”

I rolled my eyes, “Are you ever going to cut it with this safety monitor bullshit? I told you that I know dogs, and this dog isn’t going to bite. Well he might bite you because you’re making him fucking nervous.”

Kathryn shrieked and looked around, “Language!”

I said sheepishly, while the little dog began licking my hand. “Sorry. But no one heard. Especially not Janet Plinkett? What’s your beef with her anyway?”

Kathryn sighed, “It’s not really polite for children to discuss adults like that.”

I shook my head, “Says who? Agatha? You do know she’s about a hundred years old, right?”

By this point, Kathryn was more worried about playing Ms. Manners than the fact that I was letting the dog drink out of my water bottle. The min pin snaked his long tongue within the confines of the plastic bottle and began lapping water greedily. However, once she saw this, she quickly pulled me away.

Kathryn said firmly, “That’s disgusting. You can’t drink out of that now. And as to your comment about your grandmother, she and my mother were award-winning teachers. Ahead of their time in terms of educating young women. She is certainly traditional-“

I smirked, “I wasn’t planning on drinking from it. It’s your water bottle. And it seems to me that you shouldn’t have to do something a certain way just because Mrs. Feinstein or your mom did it that way.”

A little smile crept onto Kathryn’s face, “You little-“ The dog continued lapping at the water until it was half gone. After this, however, it struggled to reach the remaining liquid. I tipped it forward a little like a baby bottle, and the dog began to lap at it again.

Kathryn said, “I was brought up in a very traditional way, and I just think that children shouldn’t listen or take part in gossip. Well no one should really, child or adult. Because it can really hurt.”

Still feeling surprisingly bad about last night, I decided not to pry. Something was off beyond that though. How could Mrs. Feinstein be my grandmother and Kathryn’s mother not? Was she just trying make it clear that I was part of the family now, and that I needed to respect Mrs. Feinstein?

My thoughts were interrupted by a booming yet jovial voice.

“Looks like someone has made a new friend.” A man with thinning salt and pepper hair and a massive bushy mustache entered my field of view. As he spoke, the mustache moved about, wiggling from side to side, which elicited a tiny giggle from me.

Kathryn said, “Hi, Frank. Yes, sorry- Kaylee seems to really like dogs.” The dog, having finished the water, was now zealously lapping at my legs. Kathryn looked down at the scene with a disapproving glower.

Frank replied in that same happy booming tone, “Not a problem at all! She’s got good taste. And I can tell because Finnegan is licking her.”

His jokes were terrible. The type that Greg told when he had too much to drink, which usually amounted to a sip of Jack. Despite this fact, another tiny giggle escaped my lips.

Frank beamed, “Well Kathryn, I think she’s a keeper. You and Thomas never laugh at any of my jokes. So do you still need me to come and look at that door? I’ll be at the Plinkett place this afternoon, but I’ll have time tomorrow.”

Kathryn replied, “Sure, that’d be great.”

Frank nodded and then turned his attention back to me and Finnegan. He neatly untied the leash from the street sign, but even free, the little dog didn’t leave my side. “Well then, maybe I could bring this little guy over too. As long as your mom doesn’t mind. He barks like he’s possessed when I leave him too long. What do you say, Kathryn?”

Kathryn seemed to mull the decision, taking a few seconds to answer. “I-I guess it’s OK. Kaylee really does seem to like him.”

Frank looked down at me and smiled. “Now we haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Frank Milner.” He reached out his hand, which I firmly shook. Well, as firm as I could. It wasn’t the crushing grip that met most of the new hires at the Palace. With my soft hand, it felt like I was pressing my palm against iron wrapped in flesh.

Frank said, “You’ve got quite the grip, Kaylee. Are you sure you haven’t been moonlighting as an arm wrestler?” Again, from the tip of my tongue sprang a musical giggle. Almost a titter. It was little girl as fuck.

Frank smiled causing his mustache to gently rise, nearly ticking his nose, “Well, I should get Finnegan home. Mrs. Plinkett will be expecting me soon enough. Very nice to meet you, Kaylee.” Finnegan resisted the sudden tug of his leash, but a quick wiggle of Frank’s mustache brought the dog over with a joyful bark.

Out went Kathryn’s hand towards mine, but I jetted ahead, finding the brightly coloured displays highlighting “Summer Reads” oddly enticing. I pushed open the doors, or at least attempted to- an assist from Kathryn was required. It was no surprise that I couldn’t open heavy glass doors set in a solid stone frame. I was weak as fuck, and considering the Pattersons probably weren’t going to let me lift any weights, I was going to stay that way. A part of me felt disgusted by such a resignation- a clear surrender, but I had to pick my battles.

As I thought about my actions in the grocery store the previous day, Ashley’s words, and the evidence that acting like a child for any period of time led to more and more of the behaviour, I knew that I had to be careful.

I had seen what happened to the boys in the studio. How gradually their minds deteriorated, until they thought nothing of escape and only the games and play before them.

And it was slowly happening to me.

So, if my reactions weren’t tempered, adult- I was walking a path that would lead me to becoming the Pattersons’ perfect little daughter. While I stared angrily at the door and then Kathryn for a moment, I had to simply let it go because it threatened to turn into an illogical tantrum. I needed help to open heavy doors, had to sit in a humiliating car seat, but fuck it- I had to deal with it. There was no amount of volcanic anger that would open the door or convince the Pattersons that all I needed was a booster seat.

They had obviously researched the fucking thing. Safest car seat on the market. Five-point harness bullshit. How was I going to convince them otherwise? Nothing other than stomping my feet and crying like a fucking demented baby.

Launching such unpleasantness from my mind, I entered a place that had the means to bring actual happiness. The Sherlock Holmes books had become a necessary distraction, minus my Xbox and easy access to Netflix.

I felt Kathryn’s hand on my back, gently attempting to steer me toward the children’s section- a section populated with little bean bag chairs, kid-sized table and animals- always smiling animals. A massive cardboard cartoon whale hung above the section declaring, “HAVE A WHALE OF A TIME: READ A BOOK!”

I wanted nothing to do with that section. Well not exactly. That little tingle I felt when I browsed Mrs. Feinstein’s bookshelf told me that I needed to stay away from it. So, off I went, even as the mostly old people in the library looked on in both wonder and judgmental astonishment as the little girl flipped through the True Crime shelf.

The glossy covers featuring handguns, broken bleeding hearts and darkened bodies sprawled out like a chalk outline murder scene immediately caught my eye.

“Well, now this is the little princess that’s got the whole town talking. Look at her! Thomas will have to chase the boys away when she’s older.”

“Hi, Janet.” Kathryn’s words sounded like they should have been accompanied by a heavy sigh, but they were calm, calculated, but most importantly, controlled.

“Are you still trying though, dear? There’s nothing more fulfilling than natural childbirth. I still remember the first time I held Bethany. It was the most wonderful day of my life. ”

This time, Kathryn sighed audibly before speaking, but instead of her shoulders sagging, dragging down her entire body, she was propped up by some incredible force. By this point, my attention had turned to the unfolding drama, and as I watched Kathryn posture change, she displayed a massive, beaming smile. “Thomas and I are overjoyed that we have Kaylee. Yes, she’s beautiful, but she’s so smart too. We’re very lucky to have her.”

Kathryn added, “Yes, she’s adopted, but we’ve got a little girl now that we can raise. It’s going to be wonderful, and it doesn’t matter if I didn’t have her. We’ll love her all the same.”

Now that my attention was successfully diverted, I also saw Janet Plinkett for the first time. She looked at Kathryn through impossibly thick glasses- so thick that it seem like she was holding two magnifying glasses in front of them. This also had the unfortunate side effect of making her eyes massive.

The massive eyes squinted behind the glasses and with a raised brow, and Janet Plinkett said all she needed. She thought Kathryn’s words were complete bullshit. I instantly disliked the woman whose eyes looked like they were be at home on a praying mantis or even a snail, but I also felt a tinge of sympathy for Kathryn. I was seriously going soft.

The older woman moved easily, seemingly gliding between the bookshelves. She was dressed much the same way as Kathryn, floral print skirt, but with a short-sleeved blouse that neatly hugged her frame. It looked expensive, especially the diamond rose-shaped brooch neatly pinned to her collar. I had seen a few other ladies with similar brooches, and I was starting to think she was the head or at least a member of some fucking old ladies tea club or something. Sitting around eating sandwiches and talking shit about people.

Janet clucked gently and shook her head. “And this new daughter that you are raising, is this the same one you are allowing to pore through completely unsuitable reading material at this very moment?”

Kathryn said proudly, “Kaylee is already reading chapter books, and she’s only just starting the first grade. She loves Sherlock Holmes and mystery novels. I want to encourage her.”

Janet gave Kathryn a sour look, “I know you believe that your generation are enlightened parents, fixing the mistakes my generation made, but this laissez-faire approach will leave you with wild, unruly teenagers.” She actually said laissez-faire with this terrible Minnesota elongated vowel completely butchered French accent. Fuck, I hated this woman.

Janet added, “I doubt very much that your mother would have approved of this. I know those types of books. They are full of seedy characters and loose women. A little girl shouldn’t be filling her mind with that.”

The eight other people in the library simply watched, a few of them also wearing the diamond brooches. None of them stepped in to say a thing. Where was Mrs. Feinstein when I needed her? Fuck, was I actually missing ‘Agatha’, especially after the bullshit she pulled with the adoption?

Janet commanded the room as not even the librarian, a young woman who was growing a massive ass sitting on a chair all day, didn’t budge- didn’t even say a word.

The mostly older crowd, other than the librarian, began to look at Kathryn with the same judgmental eyes and slight frown. I ignored them and turned back to the books, figuring Kathryn had enough Feinstein in her to push back against Janet.

Kathryn gently took my hand and pulled me toward the children’s section. I was so shocked that I didn’t even fight her attempt. Kathryn’s reaction shouldn’t have been a surprise- not when I knew that she was completely inconsistent. Hard as nails one minute, then bending over backward the next trying desperately to get me to like her.

At the entrance to the children’s section was a sign that said: “First Chapter Books”. This is where Kathryn stopped. She started flipping through the titles. I looked back over at Janet with narrowed eyes. The woman wore a self-satisfied smile. I wanted to break her teeth.

Kathryn’s eyes widened and that beaming smile returned, “Oh my god, I can’t believe they have this!” She held a much worn book, one with a spine that had been taped multiple times and many, many dog-eared pages. Kathryn waved it in front of me like- well like something that wasn’t a shitty old book.

She added, “OK. I know it’s not what you really wanted, but those books you were looking at would probably give you nightmares. The Sherlock Holmes ones you already have are fine. But look, this is a mystery too. I borrowed this from the Prescott school library. It’s actually the first chapter book that my mom ever read to me! We can read it together.”

I felt my heart sink as I saw a mouse, dressed like Sherlock Holmes, following the trail of an errant piece of cheese. The block letter title caused my heart to sink further: “Clarissa the Mouse and the Curious Case of the Missing Cheese”.

***

“Are you sure you’re a Feinstein?”

We were in the car on the way back to the Pattersons. I had decided not to throw a fit, mostly because again it served no purpose. Kathryn had been schooled by Janet fucking Plinkett. It didn’t mean I had to read the book, and I still had the Sherlock Holmes novels. This for me was a victory because I wanted desperately to stomp my feet, throw myself on the floor while causing the spinning metal racks holding the first chapter books to tumble down in a wonderful messy heap. I also wanted to tell Janet Plinkett to go fuck herself with that rose pin.

Kathryn responded, “Well I took Thomas’ last name-“

I interrupted, “That’s not what I meant. I meant that the other Feinstein I know has a spine.”

Kathryn sighed, “Where did you learn to speak like that, Kaylee? And it’s complicated with Mrs. Plinkett.”

I replied, “All I saw was you caving completely and giving in to a bunch of old ladies. You know all that stuff Janet was saying? It’s complete bullshit. All the stories aren’t like that.”

Kathryn continued driving without saying a word, while I fumed in the back, once again denied any real choice. When I lived with Eve and Greg, I was given all the choices in the world. I was even given the choice about my own adoption. Thomas and Kathryn talked a big fucking game about offering the choice, but when it went against how they saw their new little girl, they wrenched it away. Fucking hypocrites. I would have preferred they just tell me what to do than giving me the illusion of choice.

Kathryn pulled into what was becoming a familiar lane, surrounded by acres of farm fields. Twin Falls stunk like manure half the time, and while the car offered a slight breather from the smell, the odour actually eventually permeated the car’s windows. Despite the odour, I was actually relieved that I didn’t live in a suburb. Breeders lived there and their offspring. Base housing was basically a cooperative community- row upon row of townhouses, brimming with children. Children who would act as constant temptation.

As a kid, it was nice to be surrounded by so many kids, even if those kids changed nearly every year, but now, I was glad that the Pattersons lived down a small gravel road. I was unbuckled from the car seat and then was promptly handed the small pile of library books.

Kathryn said, “Go inside and wash your hands please, Kaylee. Thomas has lunch ready. And I’m sure you’ll like those books we picked.”

I rolled my eyes, “You picked.”

Kathryn said, “Honey, I just- please just do as you are told.”

I shrugged and then walked toward the house. Lunch was standard fare- chicken breast on whole wheat bread. It was edible, but it lacked the spice of Eve’s pico de gallo, where all meat, white or red was usually cooked with fresh tomato, onions, red and orange peppers. It was a Mexican flair that was making me tremendously homesick.

After lunch, Kathryn, armed with the library books, said, “Kaylee, would you like to read these with me on the couch upstairs? We can take turns. Just like you did with Mrs. Feinstein.”

I shook my head, “I think I’ll just go outside and read. Alone.” I picked up the Sherlock Holmes book I had been reading and clutched it to my chest.

Kathryn’s happy-try-too-hard demeanour with the thick painted on smile, quickly deflated, “Oh. OK. Well let me know if you change your mind.”

The kitchen actually had three exits: side door that led to the porch and a patio door that led to what was a massive backyard and the doorway leading toward the entryway to the house. As I reached up to unlock the patio door, I felt something gently being lowered on my head.

Kathryn said, “Can’t forget this. Oh and sunscreen.” She began to vigourously rub the cream into my soft skin.

I looked up to see the brim of a sunhat, which had slowly slid downward completely blocking my view. Kathryn said with a laugh, “You’ll have to grow into that one I guess. Here try this one.”

Kathryn, being so much taller, was in a perfect position to easily pluck the hat from my head and quickly replace it with another. I was starting to feel more and more like a dress-up doll. When I saw my reflection in the patio door, I began thinking again that I was going on a boat. The hat was bright white. A thin pale pink sash circled the hat, the ends meeting toward the back and tied into a neat bow.

Kathryn ran the sunscreen up and down my legs, her own soft hands pressing gently into my skin as she lathered on the stuff like the sun had left its orbit, descended into the backyard and was waiting to cook me alive. The process reminded me of the day that Eve and I went to the beach. Yes, it was the horrible day when I found out that two drunk girls fighting in bikinis, hosed down with tits bouncing and asses jiggling hypnotically did nothing for me. Not even a peep from my libido. But, it was also the day, I found out that Eve actually cared about me. Her sweet machinations, the hands rolling up and down my shoulders as we just enjoyed the light breeze and the summer sun, how she had saved me from my life as Cecily the mermaid and how she pulled me from the brink- I would never forget it.

I glared at my reflection, disliking how girly the hat looked and subsequently flung it on the floor. Kathryn stopped the rubbing and said firmly, “You have to wear a hat if you want to go outside, Kaylee. You could get sunstroke.”

I sighed and said, “Don’t you have like a baseball cap or something?”

Kathryn nodded readily and pulled another hat out of a bag. She pulled the tag off of a bright pink baseball cap. Unsurprisingly, it was Frozen themed with Anna and Elsa’s beaming faces on the front of the hat. Anna, innocent and pure and Elsa, knowing and powerful. I sighed lightly, took the hat and put it on my head. Kathryn finished slathering the sunscreen on my face, still seemingly worried that I would be blackened to a crisp the moment I stepped foot outside.

I spent the afternoon allowing my imagination to catapult me to Victorian England. With my dad’s pin in hand, I managed to fight any desire to try out what was a massive play structure. Fuck, if I had been an actual six year old, the Pattersons probably would have been the best parents ever. For all their anxiety over being parents, how they wanted to shape Kaylee into a seemingly well-mannered, boat-clothes wearing young lady, they sure didn’t see anything wrong with spoiling her rotten.

The play structure had a really fun looking slide, a wooden ladder to climb into the second storey which acted as a sort of clubhouse. There was even an awning with what was likely supposed to be a storefront. My favourite as a kid though was always the swings, and they called my name the loudest. I sat there underneath an umbrella that Kathryn insisted on setting up, already getting little to no sun and watching as the pages of my books became sticky with the sunscreen.

Every time I felt the tinniest urge, I pressed the pin into my palm. The afternoon passed without issue and soon enough, it was supper time.

As I entered the house to eat, I smelled baked cheese, and my stomach growled. OK. Maybe the Pattersons were decent cooks. I clambered up onto what was becoming my seat- Kaylee’s spot at the table and spied a baking dish full of lasagna. From the smell and thickness of the cheese, it was at least a three cheese lasagna. I smelled something sweet too, probably a hint of cinnamon.

Fork firmly in hand, I was ready to dig in, but as Thomas cut a piece of lasagna for me, the sauce bubbled and the cheese oozed onto the plate. It was like someone had taken a beautiful girl and glued a mustache on her face. It was ruined.

It looked like a plate of puke, and despite the wonderful smell, I was completely disgusted.

The slab of lasagna, which Kathryn proceeded to cut into bite-sized morsels when she saw I wasn’t touching it, only looked worse after. The noodles which sat in the mixture of gooey cheese and sauce were now mangled, looking like they had already been chewed. I pushed a bite onto my fork, but I couldn’t even bring myself to bring it to my mouth.

Eve’s lasagna was just so much better.

Thomas looked at me with concern, “What’s wrong, Kaylee? Are you feeling well?”

Kathryn frowned, “I knew it was too hot for her to be outside all afternoon.”

I shook my head and pushed my plate away, unable to hide my disgust. “I-I don’t want this.” Didn’t it look like Eve’s lasagna? It didn’t smell the same, but the aroma was so inviting, tickling my nose and initially causing my stomach to growl.

No, this lasagna was different. It was just…gross looking.

“I want something else.”

Thomas and Kathryn shared worried glances. A moment later, however, Thomas looked at me with a smile, “I want you to at least try it, Kaylee.”

Kathryn looked at Thomas with a frown, “She needs to eat it. It’s not about trying it. It’s about eating it.”

Thomas said with a smirk, “Says the person who still won’t try sushi. Kids can be really picky eaters. Maybe we just need to find something that she likes to eat.”

Kathryn shook her head, “This isn’t a restaurant, Thomas. She needs to eat what’s on her plate, or- or there’s no dessert.” She then turned to me and said, “Do you understand, Kaylee? No dessert if you don’t eat your supper.”

I replied, “Considering I saw what you bought and what you consider as dessert, I don’t see that as much of a threat. Ooh, no probably terrible tasting low-fat no sugar cookies. How terrible.”

Thomas, who had already finished half his plate, said, “I can’t believe how sarcastic she is. Look, I’m sorry Kat, I have to finish that research grant proposal tonight, so I can’t exactly sit with her and make sure she eats all of that. I know you were kind of with her the whole day, but these grants-“

Kathryn sighed, “I know. I know how important they are for the university.” She then turned to me, “Fine, if you don’t want to eat that then you’ll lose your screen time for tonight. I was going to show you my favourite Disney movie, but I guess it’ll have to wait.”

I looked down at the lasagna, still ultimately finding the whole thing disgusting, but also thinking that something strange was happening. I mean would it taste fine if I just had a little bite? It smelled really good.

I just couldn’t get over the aesthetic presentation. So, so, gross.

Thomas finished hurriedly and left in the direction of the office I had snuck into last night. Kathryn continued eating but in a much daintier manner, putting bites in her mouth that didn’t require more than a few chews and lightly dabbing her mouth with a napkin.

I said, “I don’t want to eat it. And I don’t care about Disney movies. I don’t like them.”

Kathryn sighed, “I don’t understand it. Mrs. McDavid said they are your favourite, especially the princess ones.”

I shrugged, “Sounds like you got some bad intelligence.”

Kathryn said, “Well, that’s what is for dinner. If you don’t eat it then that’s it. You can have a small healthy snack before bed, but no dessert and no screen time.”

I left the table and went up to the second floor reading area and launched back into Sherlock Holmes. I wasn’t sure what I would do if I didn’t have the distraction of the written words. The story allowed me to leave my concerns. I still needed to figure out how to contact Eve and Greg, but no screen time and supervised screen time made it impossible. I couldn’t even access the contacts on my phone to call Eve, and of course, I didn’t know the number off-by-heart. Fucking cellphones were annoying sometimes.

Bedtime progressed the exact way it had the previous night, although there was supposed to bes a bath to wash off the sunscreen, which I quickly turned into a shower. No story and no night light and an awkward ‘I love you’ from each wannabe parent that was not reciprocated. Both of them kept up brave faces, but I could tell that they were disappointed they couldn’t do as Kathryn termed them ‘little girl things’, especially Kathryn.

The next day, Frank came over and brought Finnegan. I spent the entire morning and much of the afternoon playing with the dog, bringing him for walks and generally having the time of my life. Midnight watched us from the sill of the large window in the master bedroom, his tail flapping back and forth in controlled rage.

The cat had tried on occasion to enter my room, but I always shooed him away. I knew if I started petting him, he would think that I liked him, and he would try and sleep in my bed, and that just wasn’t happening. The one time I had rolled over on Hannah’s stupid cat told me all I needed to know about cats in beds as did the numerous painful scratches I received.

Frank said, “You’re so good with him, Kaylee! A regular dog whisperer.”

I beamed and then threw the stick as far as I could, which admittedly wasn’t very far at all- a few feet at best. The dog returned with it in a flash, and I threw it again. The little dog had to have a battery pack. Nothing had that kind of energy, and yet, I found I could keep up with Finnegan. I ran around with him clad in my pink Frozen hat with my own boundless energy.

I said, “He’s great. It makes me really miss having a dog.”

Frank raised a brow, which caused his mustache to move slightly askew, “You had a dog in the orphanage?” The last word of the question was as gently as possible, as if Frank feared that I was as fragile as a china doll.

I shook my head, “No, um, it was when I was with the people I was staying with. After I escaped from the studio.”

Frank nodded, “It’s an incredible story. You’re so brave, Kaylee. Making your way through the streets and then on the bus. Why I feel out of sorts in the Twin Cities half the time. What do you think of Twin Falls so far? Oh and the weather? Not as hot as Los Angeles I’d imagine?”

Frank was Minnesotan as fuck, right down to asking about the weather. In California, people mostly talked about droughts, wildfires and earthquakes. I replied, “Well it’s OK I guess. Kind of small. Not what I’m used to.”

Frank smiled, his mustache tickling his nose, “Well yes, it’s small. But that’s the charm of it. Lived here my whole life, and there’s not a place I’d rather be. I think you’ll come to like it. Your mom did. She moved from California too.”

He grinned, “Now you might not like it too much in the winter, but I’m sure your parents bought you a real warm coat. And boots, mitts, you’ll need a balaclava some days. Better known as a ski mask. There’s lots to do here to do in the winter- skiing, skating. You’ll see. And wait until you see how it lights up at Christmas time. It’s like a movie.

Finnegan sure doesn’t like it though. He has to put on these boots, and he gets real snappy sometimes. Course if he doesn’t wear ‘em, we end up with the dance of the three-legged dog.”

Frank got on all fours and proceeded to balance on one leg, this ridiculous action normally would have made me scoff, but instead, I found it funny. Really funny. I burst out laughing, and it actually felt kind of good. Frank was like my dad, naturally handy, outdoorsy, a dog lover, but kind of like a PG version. He didn’t have the same sometimes salty language or workmanlike focus that my dad acquired in the military.

Kathryn appeared holding a pitcher of water with Thomas trailing behind. Why couldn’t she be a normal mom and bring lemonade or iced tea? I would have even accepted watered-down Kool-Aid or Tang.

Thomas said, “Hey, Frank, thanks a lot for fixing the door.”

Frank smiled, “It’s my pleasure. And it looks like I’ve got the perfect doggie babysitter when I go into town. Finnegan really hates the car. He barks every single time I use the turn signal. And you know I don’t mind taking some time to show you some really easy things you can do to keep up the house. Your faucets are loose in the bathroom. And there’s a rotten board on your front porch. Some of your shingles too are coming loose.”

Thomas shook his head, “No, it’s OK, Frank. I’m really too busy with work these days. And plus I’m just terrible with things like that. And we like giving you the business.”

Frank’s mustache bristled, but any frown was hidden by his facial hair, “Thomas Patterson, I ran a very successful hardware store in town for thirty years. I don’t do this because I need the money. I genuinely want to help you, and you’ve got an old place. You should learn how to fix it up.”

Thomas replied, “Look, Frank- it’s- it’s not that I don’t want to learn. I-I’m just really busy.”

Fucking liar. Here was another poor excuse for a man, just like Greg, who once nearly fell off a small step ladder while changing a lightbulb at the Palace.

Frank drank some water and then called Finnegan. He politely said goodbye to Thomas and Kathryn, but in a way that was more from custom than desire.

The older man turned and winked at me, a smile brimming underneath his thick facial hair.

***

“Fuck!”

Thomas sat with his glasses teetering atop his head, poring over the New York Times. He looked up and said, ““Kaylee! Language!” He then immediately returned to his paper.

I was eating cereal, just normal, plain, boring Cheerios, and sometimes if I wasn’t careful, due to the gaps, bits of food would painfully jab against my exposed gums. A few nights ago, a popcorn kernel had lodged in the massive gap that once housed one of my two front teeth. It hurt like fuck until I managed to dislodge it. My tongue rooted around in my mouth, snaking its way through the gaps searching for the offending food, but I couldn’t find anything. I took another mouthful, watching as a pair of sliced strawberries bobbed in the milk, and again, I felt pain.

“Fuck that hurts!”

When I caught my finger in the door during the double date with Jessica, Eve and Greg, the throbbing, quickly swollen digit sent stinging shocks of pain throughout my entire hand, but I didn’t say a word about it. Even when Eve said I should go to the hospital or at least a clinic, I sat there and took it. That filter was gone. It was like a water treatment plant that suddenly produced hefty amounts of sewage. And this pain caused me to spew curses that would have normally been screamed internally.

My pain centres seemed to be attached directly to my tongue.

Thomas grumbled lightly and shuffled the newspaper before setting it down. Despite his gruff demeanour, he spoke softly, “Is something wrong, Kaylee? Where do you feel the pain?”

I shook my head, “It’s nothing.” And then, I took another mouthful of cereal and the milk, which must have been nearly frozen, entered into what felt like a small groove or hole in one of my back teeth. Instead of shouting another obscenity, I whimpered- like a fucking puppy that got its tail stepped on. To be honest, it had been bothering me for a few days, but only now did it feel like someone was dropping liquid nitrogen into the cavity.

I didn’t want to admit it, considering I knew what would happen. With my dad in the army, we got the perks of paid dental, but once I moved to LA, I never bothered to renew the coverage, which meant I hadn’t been to the dentist in about two years. This in itself wasn’t the major issue. I never had problems at the dentist, and the checkup and cleaning I could take, but the needle, probably as long as my arm, jabbing into the crevice- that was the issue.

Thomas furrowed his brow, “I think we should take you to see Dr. Olga before school starts on Monday. I’ll see if she has any appointments. She’s a really nice dentist. I think you’ll like her. ”

I knew that I would be dragged to a dentist, and I knew that the needle was coming. I had seen and heard horrible things in the studio, thin metal piercing skin and the screams- I would never forget the anguished shrieks of the formerly emotionless doctor whose screams punctuated his humanity, something he had seemingly sought to shed. Still, if I was going to establish that I was still the same man inside, I needed to take the needle and quit being a fucking baby.

“It’ll be OK, Kaylee. Dr. Olga will get you fixed up. You don’t want to have pain in your mouth every time you eat, right? You could never eat ice cream. What’s your favourite kind of ice cream?”

I know what he was doing. It was an old waiter trick- distraction. Kids tearing napkins out of the holder, throwing their utensils? Talk about the shirt they were wearing, which was usually some superhero or sports team. Then, when they were sufficiently focused, hit them with the million fucking dollar question: what do you want to eat? Thomas had either been a server, or he really had read every single parenting book.

I hadn’t realized it at first, but I was surprisingly rigid. While I told myself that I shouldn’t be scared, that it would be a simple procedure, my body had decided to adopt the posture and consistency of the kitchen table.

I shook my head, “I don’t have one. And whatever, just call the dentist. I’ll go.”

Thomas’ glasses slowly slid down onto his nose from the top of his head. His eyes, suddenly magnified, showed surprise. “Oh. Okay.” He was probably expecting a massive blow up, an atomic bomb meeting a hurricane all riding a tidal wave, but there was nothing except grim acceptance.

Soon enough, we were off to the dentist. I had expected some country dentist office filled with magazines from the 90s with receptionists working behind CRT monitors, but it was actually ultra-modern looking. And bright. It reminded me of the studio lights, which sent a tiny shiver of fear up my spine. Multiple flat-screen TVs broadcast Sports Centre and 24-hour news networks. Despite its modern look, it was still small, and it had the country dentist office aesthetic with a community board plastered with ads for garage sales, links to registration for the Twin Falls Autumn Pageant and an end of summer corn roast. I had seen a similar board at the grocery store.

Thomas, who still seemed amazed that I had come to the dentist without an epic struggle, sat quietly reading his tablet. I snuck a glance at his screen, reading “How to prepare your child for their first filling”. I smirked- did this guy need a fucking instruction manual to take a shit? Remove toilet paper from roll, wipe thoroughly. Repeat as needed.

It was ironic too, considering most of the parenting books he and Kathryn read wouldn’t help them at all. Thomas urged me to go to the kid’s corner, but I wasn’t interested. The lure wasn’t there. Apparently, I still had to touch the toys to be affected by them. And beyond that anyway, they were all baby toys.

“Kaylee Patterson. We’re ready for you, honey.”

I was glad that Kathryn hadn’t brought me. She was more of a helicopter parent than Thomas. My first impression wasn’t good. Going outside involved her slathering me with so much sun screen I felt like I had a second skin and then sitting me under an umbrella so large that I would have needed arms six feet long to feel a hint of sun. She also tried to hold my hand whenever we crossed the street or walked through a parking lot. She probably would have followed me into the appointment. Thankfully, Thomas did not.

The woman who called me led me toward the dentist chair. She was pleasant, although much of that probably had to do with putting on her face. My detective novels, especially the Sherlock Holmes ones called it putting on ‘airs’. Servers did it and anyone who has to work with the public.

The check-up was all very routine. She put things in my mouth, cleaned, took an X-ray which made me gag a little. She made small talk with me, and I answered awkwardly with my mouth open. Mostly asking me about school and if I was excited to be starting the first grade.

The hygienist said, “OK, Kaylee. You’ve done a great job so far. The dentist will look at your X-rays and then check your teeth. Does that sound good?”

I shrugged and nodded, and she added with a smile, “When your check-up is over, you’ll get to take something from the treasure chest.” Despite the pleasantries, I still knew what was coming- the needle. I knew what a fucking cavity felt like, and this was it. So, when the dentist came in, a woman who would have been at home in some Russian bride catalogue with bountiful curves and a set of tits that were seemingly trying to escape from her tight, white coat, I wasn’t surprised to hear her discussing a filling with the hygienist. The hygienist left the room, leaving me with the buxom dentist.

I was even less surprised when Thomas came into the room with a careful smile. His movements were slow and deliberate as he parked himself on the stool next to the dentist chair. He was so cautious, he might as well have been tip-toeing through broken glass. The dentist said with a slight Russian accent, “You have some sugar bugs on your teeth, Kaylee- I-“

I groaned and rolled my eyes, “Sugar bugs? Seriously? I know what’s up, and I know what you have to do. So just do it.”

Thomas sighed lightly, “Uh. Yeah, she’s from California. She’s picked up some habits there. Most of them making her sound a bit like she’s sixteen rather than six.”

The dentist smiled, revealing perfectly straight white teeth. “It’s OK, Mr. Patterson. Maybe she just doesn’t want the usual spiel. Whatever makes her feel comfortable is best. So I’ll be perfectly honest with her.”

The cautious smile disappeared. She was no longer trying to calm me- and her voice adopted a workmanlike tone, “Your cavity is quite deep, so I’ll have to drill a little bit. It also means I’ll need to freeze you. I’ll apply a special gel to the area to make sure that you don’t feel the needle as much. It won’t take longer than ten minutes really. Sound OK?”

I expected this is how the dentist spoke to older children or even adults, so I was pleasantly surprised by the switch. I had expected some sing-song bullshit, especially if Thomas mentioned how difficult I could be, but by being straight with me, I actually respected the dentist more.

I nodded slowly, and the hygienist handed me a pair of sunglasses and then lowered my chair.

Thomas said, “You look like a rock star with those shades, Kaylee.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed, which caused the dentist to laugh, “I see what you mean, Mr. Patterson. Maybe it’s good to get the teenage behaviour out of the way now when she can’t get into as much trouble. I’m sure she’ll be a perfect angel when she’s a teen.”

The hygienist said, “Yup. It was like that with me and my sister. I was a horrible kid but a perfect teen. My sister was the other way around. Crazy wild child. I remember one time, her being so drunk she couldn’t even get into bed. She fell asleep next to the toilet.” The adults all laughed.

Thomas asked with a slight stutter, “H-How can we prevent Kaylee from getting any additional cavities?”

The dentist replied, “Well limit sugary snacks- and avoid soda of any kind. Most of all make sure to brush her teeth twice a day and floss.”

Thomas said with a frown, “Oh, well we’ve been letting her brush her own teeth. Kaylee has a very strong, um, independent streak. We don’t keep any kind of soda in the house at all though.”

The dentist said with a smile, “It’s fine to let her go first, but she doesn’t have the motor skills nor likely the patience to properly brush her teeth. You should be checking her teeth until she is at least eight years old. Flossing too.”

Thomas nodded, “Oh. Okay.” No fucking way they were going to be brushing my teeth for me. As if I couldn’t stand in front of a mirror for two minutes with a toothbrush in my mouth- it was insulting.

The dentist and Thomas continued talking, with the dentist outlining my entire childhood, discussing when my adult teeth would grow in, all the way up to when I would likely need braces. It seemed impossible that I would remain with the Pattersons for even five months let alone five years. As I pondered this, preparations for the filling continued. I looked over at the instrument tray and recognized most of them. I knew the drill, which would remove the rotten parts of the tooth, allowing the dentist to fill it. There was the little mirror and the tool the hygienist had to hold to make sure the mirror didn’t get fogged up. It was all there, including a small needle, probably about the size of my adult index finger.

The moment I saw it, however, I tensed up.

The others in the room continued chatting, failing to notice that every muscle in my body was flexing like I was a contestant in some elementary body building competition. I scrunched my toes, seeing them curl in the pretty white sandals.

The hygienist said, “OK, Kaylee. Open your mouth, and I’ll put a little gel there. Honey?”

The tension in the room suddenly increased tenfold as the airy, light banter that had previously permeated the room ceased. The air in the room felt heavy and with my mouth clamped shut, I started taking in deep breaths through my nose. This caused my lungs to inflate and my little chest to push up and out at a quickening pace.

I needed to just get the needle.

I needed to feel it jab into my gums.

I needed to show that I wasn’t scared of what happened in the studio. This would prove that Ryan Sullivan still lived and breathed and fought.

A sliver of metal in my arm had reduced me to this state. At the time, Dr. Travers stared at me, gauging my reaction as he jammed it in my arm, no pleasure or concern, and I took it. I wasn’t a fucking pussy about it, and this was a dentist office- not the studio. After my tantrum over the candy bar, I needed this small victory.

But, I couldn’t open my mouth.

My eyes continued flicking back and forth erratically, seeking out the location of the needle, ensuring that it wasn’t any closer to me. The hygienist and the dentist returned to their cautious tones, speaking soothing words in my ear to coax me to open my mouth.

“It’s OK, Kaylee. Just don’t look at it. I’ll put the gel on, and I’ll tell you when to close your eyes.”

Above me, a flat-screen TV slowly entered my view. I watched as the familiar Netflix screen appeared and then a multitude of icons displaying everything from Curious George to Thomas the Tank Engine to Barbie.

“Here, Kaylee, you can pick something to watch.” The hygienist slid the remote, which was covered in a thin layer of plastic, into my hand. Stone, Avengers- anything good really wasn’t an option as the Netflix KIDS mode had been enabled. Not that I could watch the former in front of the others anyway.

Thomas stuttered, “S-She doesn’t really like cartoons. Or any kids shows.”

The hygienist said, “I’m sure there’s something on there that she’ll like. It should help distract her.” I felt a pair of headphones gently slide over my ears. However, I was surprised when nothing seemed remotely interesting.

Little by little, however, I gathered my courage. It began with the loosening of my Rottweiler-like locked jaw. I simply couldn’t be afraid of the dentist. Because Ryan Sullivan wasn’t afraid of the dentist, even if it meant a little prick in his gums. As my mouth slowly opened, the air within the room felt infinitely lighter. It was an LA day without the thick blanket of smog. The hygienist smiled and cautiously put her fingers in my mouth, “Good girl, Kaylee.” I flinched as something extremely cold was applied to my gums.

Knowing what was next, I forcefully shut my eyes, but kept my mouth wide open. Even without seeing anything, I knew that something- the needles- I knew it was approaching. It was a slow moving inevitability. The closer it came, however, the more my heart began to race. As the needle drew nearer, my imagination burst loose, sowing new fear deep within.

The thing coming toward me wasn’t a needle- no, it was an instrument of pain. The dentist held it in two hands, while cackling maniacally, the pointed tip widening until it was a razor sharp spear. Why did the dentist want to hurt me? What had I done to her? My head began shaking back and forth in a constant ‘no’ as I felt someone reach for my hand. The hand grasping mine was soft with long nails, and for a second, it was Eve’s. Her presence would soothe my childish fear, but it felt different, and I knew it wasn’t her, and that is when I began to shake all over.

“It’s OK, Kaylee. Hey, we don’t need to do it this way. Some children and even adults- well they don’t like needles. They are scared of them. Maybe it’s because you had a bad experience with one. It doesn’t matter how it happened. All you have to know is there’s another way. I’ll talk to your daddy about some different options while you watch something fun, OK?”

The dentist and Thomas both left the room while the hygienist stayed and tried to hold my hand. While the fear over the needle was gone, I was left with grave disappointment in myself, but there was something else too- an unwelcome understanding. Ryan Sullivan may not have been scared of needles, but Kaylee Patterson- she was terrified. It was becoming clear that I was slowly but surely becoming the latter. I had slip ups, the restaurant with Eve and Greg and my freak outs over the online games, but it seemed like I was slipping every day now.

Even the toys in the waiting room, I hadn’t seen them as kids’ toys, something to be ignored. No, I had placed a different filter on them- baby toys. What the fuck was happening to me? The hygienist put on some show about magic talking ponies, but I was numb to everything around me.

The dentist handed me a cup of something. It tasted like an orange freeze pop. Soon after, however, I started to feel like I was high. Everything was loose, except for my head, which felt like someone had filled it with shifting bits of fuzzy cement. My mouth opened so wide, I probably could have swallowed a whole rabbit. Maybe even a hippo. This brought to mind the funny dancing hippo from the KIDS mode games, and I giggled. Someone put something in my mouth, but I didn’t care. I kept thinking about the dancing hippo.

Eventually, I felt myself being carried to the car.

When I came to, I was in my four-poster bed, snuggled up on Elsa’s face, in a pose that was likely captured by Kathryn and was probably already on Facebook. Or her desktop screensaver. The woman clearly had problems.

My tongue traced along to the cavity, but the little hole had been filled. I was exhausted from the entire experience and defeated. It was a fucking trip to the dentist. I remembered going to a different base dentist nearly every year and never being afraid. My mouth was never full of cavities, but I usually had one or two. My imagination had, once again, shaken loose, like some mistreated chained dog, it howled in near rabid fury, erasing all reason and creating a nightmare world where dentistry wasn’t about healthy teeth but about pain, with gleeful dentists cackling in sadist delight. I told myself that it wasn’t real, just like how ridiculous Kathryn’s statement about not sleeping meant never growing, but it was becoming harder and harder to convince myself that there wasn’t some truth to what I knew were bold-faced lies.

A firm rapping on my door brought Kathryn into my room. As was her habit, she knocked once and then entered. Thomas, on the other hand, would knock hesitantly and then wait for my OK to enter.

The woman sat on the edge of my bed. Everything about her was immaculate (as always), not a hair out of place with her face tastefully made up. “Are you OK, Kaylee? Thomas mentioned that you didn’t have much fun at the dentist.”

I replied, “When has going to a dentist ever been fun? Do you like getting drilled and filled?”

Kathryn lightly cleared her throat, which made me wonder if her prim and prissy conservative self had, for a brief moment, taken my words to mean something else entirely. “Dr. Olga is a very nice dentist. I’ll admit though that I don’t like going.” I watched her hand travel slowly toward me. It stopped on my back and then made gentle circular motions- over and over.

“It’s OK to be scared of certain things, Kaylee. Everything you were going through was completely normal. Do you know there are things that I’m still scared of even as a grown-up?”

Kathryn’s touch was unsurprisingly quite soothing. I was turned away from her, my legs pulled up into my body, but I felt my foetal position loosening as she continued rubbing my back. The sensation brought memories of my own childhood to the forefront, my mom gently rubbing my back after I had snuck down in the middle of the night to watch one of my dad’s horror movies. It terrified me, and it didn’t help that I watched in near complete darkness except for the dull glow of the TV. I knew at that point that I had to get rid of her.

Kathryn said, “Spiders. I can’t stand them even today. Thomas will tell you that they have a purpose. They are part of the house’s ecosystem, catching and eating other little pests, but none of that matters. I can’t look at them. So even adults can be scared of things. Sometimes we can’t help it. To be scared of needles is very common. You’ll probably outgrow it.”

I sighed lightly, conflicted with what I had to do. Her actions were returning me to a childlike mindset, reducing my thoughts to the simple desire to be protected, to wash away my fear. I shook my head, an affirmation of what had become absolutely necessary.

I replied, “That’s because you’re a pussy. A grown woman scared of spiders? It’s fucking sad.”

Kathryn’s hand on my back stopped abruptly, so quickly, in fact, that she might as well have been suddenly paralyzed. Then, like a dog banished to the yard after too many house-training accidents, her hand slinked back to her side. I had expected a Feinstein tirade, one populated with the words ‘hellion’ and ‘not a proper young lady’, punctuated with a threat involving Ivory Snow, but it never came. Instead, Kathryn looked at me sadly and slowly shook her head.

The woman who could convince me with only her voice to sit in the five-point car seat and who had berated me for embarrassing her in the grocery store was not sitting on the edge of my bed. Was this a good thing? Would they give up on me as too damaged, as someone who could never be their little girl?

“What am I going to do with you, Ryan?” My mom had said those words the night I took her car and got high with Hannah, and the night she had given up on me. I waited for the words, but Kathryn never said them.

Was I close to that with Kathryn?

I should have been happy that I was seemingly breaking this woman, but as she slipped away from the bed, I felt only sadness. Kathryn said nothing as she left the room, but the buoyant, confident step she had when she entered was erased. Moments later, I heard her on the phone with her sister, but she ducked into the kitchen, so I missed everything past the ‘Hello’.

Dinner was a solemn affair that night. Considering what I said, Kathryn was surprisingly friendly. Conversations turned to the first day of school and what I would learn, but oddly neither Kathryn nor Thomas brought up how I had spoken to her. Just before bed, she even said that she was certain that I would do better at the dentist the next time. My dad would have kicked the shit out of me for talking like that to him, and my mom would have probably cried. Kathryn didn’t even punish me.

The only difference that night was that Kathryn played no role in the bedtime routine. Thomas met me in the bathroom before I had brushed my teeth.

“Okay, Kaylee. You can brush your teeth like usual, but I’m going to have a look when you are done.”

I replied, “That’s bullshit. Look, I can do it. I don’t need you poking in my mouth like some wannabe dentist.”

Thomas said firmly, “This isn’t up for discussion.”

I said, “I think it is. If I can prove to you that I can stand here and brush them properly, then you don’t need to do anything, right?”

Thomas, unlike Kathryn, didn’t seem to have the same Feinstein-like intensity to him. He wanted the rules to be followed, but he seemed hesitant to enforce them. After all, he relied almost entirely on Kathryn to get me into the car seat.

An unusual intensity appeared in Thomas’ eyes. His mouth tightened as his jaw clenched. When he finally spoke, spittle came from his mouth while his hands shook, “I’ve had enough of your attitude for one day, Miss Thing. I know that you are almost entirely used to getting your way, but that’s not how it’s going to work here. What you said to Kathryn was completely beyond reproach. This is someone who is pouring out their heart to you, just trying to make you feel better. And that’s how you act?”

Despite his scrawny frame, Thomas was still considerably taller than I was. This combined with his rare intensity had me listening with rapt attention.

“A-And unless you want a mouth full of cavities, you’ll let me check your teeth. You know that if you get too many cavities, the dentist won’t be able to fix them all, right? If they get too rotten, she’ll have to yank them all out. Not to mention, if you get too many at once, she’ll have no choice but to use the needle to freeze you. For each and every cavity.”

My toothbrush tumbled from my hands. The small plastic bottom sprung open upon impact with the floor, exposing the batteries. My voice was barely a squeak. “E-each one?” It didn’t seem possible. Quick math for five cavities meant five separate needles. I had only ever had one or two cavities at once, so maybe Thomas was right?

My brain simply couldn’t fathom a world where I could take that many needles. Images from the studio of long thin needles filled with a greenish liquid entered my mind. I saw the needles puncture Dr. Travers over and over again. The tortured screams played on an incessant loop. This was real fear. A real event. But, as I was gripped by the fear, my imagination took hold again. The needles grew to a ridiculous size and gained flight. They chased me down an endless corridor, nipping at my heels with their points like terrible giant birds of prey.

“Kaylee. You can go first, but I want to look at them after.” He leaned down and picked up the toothbrush. Thomas popped the batteries back in place and then held the object out to me. I shook my head fervently, knowing that I could never, ever be around a needle again. It wasn’t rational, considering the shots I would need at the doctor as I grew up and the possibility that I would actually have that many cavities at some point, but at least I could control the latter.

Thomas, seemingly understanding what he had wrought, frowned and then squeezed some toothpaste on the brush. Without being asked, I opened my mouth wide. Thomas inserted the brush, and I watched as a grown man brushed my teeth. Humiliation welled within, but there was also a sense of comfort- the protection afforded by this simple routine would save me from the dentist. If Thomas and Kathryn brushed my teeth, I would never get a cavity. Thomas hadn’t explained it that way, but it seemed right.

Inside, Ryan Sullivan seethed, and then as the grown man brushing his teeth gently tilted the little girl’s head back, allowing him easier access to the back teeth, little by little Ryan Sullivan came apart.

He was dying inside.

I-I was dying inside- my organs crushed, blood seeping into places it was never meant to go. I was only one or two humiliations away from being wiped from existence by the serum, and worse yet-

I had school Monday.

***