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Chapter 17

The door closed and the footsteps rapidly retreated. I was left holding a plastic doll, and while my humiliation in Greg’s presence was staggering to both my male ego and my adult self, I couldn’t help but want to continue playing. It was like some drug filling my mind and body with such a real sense of happiness that it was easy to ignore the fact that such actions were eating away at Ryan Sullivan. The toys, the sense of adventure, the world of imagination that Hermie spoke of were the vultures circling over the soon-to-be corpse.

But it was rainbows, cotton candy, pretty dresses, and a life where finding someone to play with would be my greatest worry. I knew that children worried about more important stuff. Some of them even faced crippling anxiety. A friend of mine, the same one with all the incredible video games, was a wreck every time his dad went on a tour of duty. I knew better, but the drug swimming in my system was smiles and sunshine.

I desperately needed help.

Asking Greg meant admitting a weakness, it meant saying I couldn’t do it by myself. It was the fucking pussy way out, but at the periphery of my mind lay the memory of the joy, the delight when I gave into my imagination- the wonderful world of pretend.

I was used to taking care of myself. It had been that way since coming to Hollywood, and in fact, it had been that way since my mom stopped trying to rein me in. I made friends easily, but lost them as quickly whenever things turned sour. Now I was faced with a situation where I had to ask Greg for something more than just a ride or a few bucks to pay my phone bill- no, I had to ask him to pry the doll out of my hands and throw it away.

There was a quiet knock on the door. It brought me back to my teenage years when my mom caught me masturbating for the first time. The look of horror on her face was priceless. I suppose seeing your baby boy beating off is something no mother wants to see, but to me, it was kind of funny. It was even funnier when that quiet knock came, and she proceeded to explain to me how sex worked as if I was seven years old.

It was the same talk my dad had given me at twelve except with graphic details. I laughed my mom out of my room. There was no humour in this moment however.

Another quiet knock on the door followed by a voice riddled with confusion, “Uh. Hey- man if you want to talk.” It actually wasn’t mere confusion, it was a stunned voice, one that had seen the unbelievable happen.

I shot back, “What the fuck are we going to talk about? This fucking piece of plastic I’m holding?”

I hated how emotional I sounded as I swallowed a lump and fought back tears, but it was hard to deny how strangled my voice sounded. How I was choking out the words. I wanted to sound assured, tough but instead, it was clear as fucking day that I was scared.

Greg cleared his throat, “The 64’ Mustang is overrated. You’ve told me this bullshit before about it being the best classic car to own since the parts are so available. Well that’s great, but the bodies are so prone to rust, most of them aren’t even drivable. Camaros keep way better. They may not drive as well, but at least they can be driven.”

I glared at Greg, “I know what you are trying to do. I told you that I don’t want to talk about it. Just leave me the fuck alone. I don’t need your help.”

Greg didn’t budge. “OK. I’ll leave, Ryan, but only after you give me the doll. That’s the one Mrs. Feinstein was talking about, right?”

My eyes immediately grew wide, and I clutched the little doll to my chest. It would have taken the Jaws of Life to remove it. As I realized the extent of my actions however, I began to slowly shake. My heart thundered in my chest, and my breath grew short.

Greg shook his head, “This is just like your hair. You need to accept that the serum has seriously fucked you up and that you need help. You- you look like Jessica’s niece when Jessica told her it was time to leave the ice cream place.”

I sniffed lightly, feeling tears pool at my eyes. I couldn’t believe how mean Greg was being.

“Dude, you were playing with a doll and a toilet paper roll. I think you’ve kind of reached a point of no return. Just accept our help. You’ve gotten this far without totally giving up, and I give you fucking respect for that, man, but you’ve gotta drop the macho bullshit and realize that the serum is winning. What if I hadn’t been home? What then?

“You’d be done, man. I would get home and…I’d find Kaylee or Riley. All because you keep up this act, like you’re bulletproof. You won’t tell us what’s wrong, and it’s obvious that something is. You aren’t a running back with a pulled hammy playing through the pain. You’ve been stuck with a needle, Ryan. It’s fucked with your head and changed your age and gender. This isn’t something you can just run away from. Something you can ignore.”

I screeched, “Fine! Fuck sake, you’re as bad as your goddamn girlfriend. So what do you want me to say? That I’m scared? That I can’t let go of this fucking thing? That I want you to leave and let me play with it…”

I fiercely wiped away the tears from my eyes, but I wasn’t crying. I couldn’t cry in front of Greg.

He said softly, “Tell us how we can help you.”

I said, “Well you can stop with that fucking tone right there. That’s like- it’s how I’ve heard you talk to kids at the Palace. I need to feel like I can trust you guys, but you’re both acting really fucking weird. I feel like you are trying to be my parents sometimes.”

Greg nodded, “You’ve mentioned that before. I’m just trying to help, man. I’m not going to start calling you princess or pumpkin.”

I knew he was trying to be funny, but Greg’s sense of humour sucked. His problem- he thinks he is hilarious, when in actuality, he isn’t. Eve laughs at his jokes, but she has a worse sense of humour than him.

I nodded, “If you did, you wouldn’t wake up tomorrow.”

Greg said, “Seriously though, man- what’s bugging you? I mean besides the obvious.”

“Well it’s fucking annoying that I have to be around Emma and Sophia even once a week. It’s also really dangerous for me to be around kids at all. Eve admitted that, but she didn’t seem to care. She just said it was my fault for making so much noise and bringing Feinstein upstairs.”

Greg frowned gently, “Uh huh. That’s not exactly how I was told it happened. But…never mind about that. I don’t think the intent was ever to have you go there on Tuesdays.”

“Mondays. Emma and Sophia are there on Monday. And sometimes Wednesdays.”

Greg nodded, “Yeah. Sorry. I meant that either me or Eve would take it off. And if they were there on a day other than Monday, you could like text us or something. And we’d come and get you.”

I shook my head, feeling my grip on the doll tighten as the feeling of anger and confusion set in, “Eve never- she never mentioned that to me. I thought you guys were going…to make me go on Mondays.” My throat felt raw. It was the uncomfortable sensation, the sense that something is crawling up your throat- it was the emotions that must be swallowed.

Once again, Greg’s voice softened, but this time, instead of rage, I felt a strange sense of relief- and a bizarre closeness to Greg. “No. We wouldn’t make you go. And we would come get you as soon as possible if they came on a different day. Sorry, I mean me and Eve talked about it. I thought you’d realize that we’d have your back on this.”

“But you never told m-e!” The final word had a whiny emphasis placed on it. I was beyond the point of shock now however. After all, I was still holding the Elsa doll firmly to my chest.

Greg, however, couldn’t hide his continued shock, “I-I’m sorry. Yeah we meant to tell you. We definitely talked about it.”

I said, “And that’s the other thing. I don’t like you guys talking about me behind my back. You go in your room, and Eve starts raising her voice. I know you are talking about me. It fucking pisses me off. Is she trying to get you onboard with that car seat bullshit again?”

Greg looked down at his feet. This action might have seemed innocent, but he was avoiding my gaze. The man was a terrible liar. “I-I- Uh. Yeah. She thinks it’s safer, especially since we don’t know if Mrs. Feinstein called child services. Look, man- I’m not with her on this. We shouldn’t be putting you in situations where you feel like or are treated like a kid. I mean, I can’t guess, but it would be really humiliating for you.”

I nodded, “Goddamn right. It would really fuck with my head. It would make me feel like a kid for sure.”

Greg replied, “Would it help if we did something that makes you feel more like Ryan?”

A little smirk appeared on my face, and my grip on the doll loosened just a little. “Like what?”

Greg nodded with a smile, “You know that place you liked going to? Not El Casa- there was another place. You said once if the food was better, it would be your favourite place.”

I nodded with a grin, “Apple Jacks. Yeah. It’s full of women trying to get discovered. It is right next to a bunch of movie sets. Fuck the women in there are hot. I mean fake tits on these skinny bodies and all of them trying. You know what I mean, right? Not like Eve on a lazy morning trying, but like seriously perfect.”

I pictured the women working in the place, short skirts, cleavage baring tops, amazingly tight asses. And the best part? They were starving actresses, so they would flirt hardcore for tips. Hooters waitresses would touch your arm or place their hand on your shoulder, but these girls would put their hand on your thigh.

There were rumours that it was tied to the mob and that there was a champagne room if you bought the 72 ounce steak, but I’d never seen it. I had slept with a few of the women there, but I never got a whole human trafficking vibe from them. Eve hated when I brought Greg there, but it wasn’t surprising considering how the girls fished for tips.

I looked down at myself and realized very quickly that I never wanted to go to Apple Jacks again. Not until I turned back. My long hair swished in my face. My skinny arms and round face with the missing teeth? The girls would take one look and then fawn all over me. “Oh what a cutie!” Like the waitress at El Casa. And it would be worse because the women at Apple Jacks were incredible.

They were the type of girl where the phrase “I would wreck that chick” came from. The images of the skinny hotties, however, failed to elicit the normal tingle. I wasn’t aroused. It probably wasn’t possible, and honestly, it would have felt extremely weird and wrong if it was, but that pleasant little tingle in my brain was also absent. I wasn’t really surprised considering how down I felt. It was like I had been mentally kicked in the balls. My grip on the doll tightened.

I rolled my eyes, suddenly turning my frustration on Greg, “That’s a fucking stupid idea. You know how servers are at the Palace. It’ll be ten times worse at Apple Jacks.”

Greg looked momentarily deflated, but rapidly perked up. A smile crossed his face, “Malibu. Fucking Malibu, man. It’s perfect. I mean yeah there’ll be some annoying people, but most will just leave you alone. And you can just watch and enjoy the beach.”

It was like Greg was frightened that Eve was behind him, but I knew exactly what he meant. The warm spring weather meant bikini season, sun-kissed bodies, breasts, thighs and asses, and I could watch without any girl giving me a dirty look. I nodded slowly as a big grin formed, “Fuck yeah. Let’s do it.”

He grinned, “And you know what the best part is? It’s spring break. You remember last year?”

A wide grin formed. I knew I probably looked adorable with the gaps in my teeth, but I didn’t care. Spring break was wall-to-wall hotties. “Barely.”

My grip on the doll loosened, and I had stopped shaking.

Greg held out his hand and with trepidation, I slowly released my hold. Seconds later, I deposited the doll in Greg’s waiting hands. I was concerned that I would feel a great sadness, or worse that I would throw a tantrum, but the excitement of the trip to Malibu helped to cushion the blow.

Greg gave me a simple nod and left the bathroom. I glared at the toilet paper roll snowman and tossed it in the garbage.

***

Three days later, I sat next to Eve in the car, wearing a girl’s one-piece swimsuit, looking like I wanted to murder anyone and everyone who laid eyes on me. The three days had passed without incident. Mrs. Feinstein was actually nicer the more I got to know her. I no longer pictured her as a witch ready to grind my bones, using the dust as an ingredient in some fiendish brew. I had to admit that the time we spent together was actually- not bad. In fact, it was better than that, it was great. She had a wicked sense of humour, and she would punctuate each punch line with a slap of her knee.

I learned that she was probably actually a well-liked teacher, despite her stern demeanour, but most of all, I learned that she was a very good teacher. She talked about the origin of the novel and how it started out as a serial in a magazine. She actually didn’t bore me to death the way my original teachers did, which was a massive improvement.

Incredibly, as long as I was paying attention to my ‘school’ work and I was behaving, she never spoke down to me. It made me feel like…well not like a kid. I could almost be myself around her, minus the swearing. I swore in front of her a few times, and she threatened to wash my mouth out with soap. Normally, I would have been angry, but because I had a growing respect for the woman, I actually started to watch my language around her.

True to his word too, when her granddaughters arrived on Thursday for a visit, Greg rushed home from the restaurant to save me, but on Friday, I learned that we wouldn’t be driving out to Malibu the next morning.

“Ryan, you know this is a big opportunity for Greg. If the Burger Palace becomes a chain, Greg could become the manager of a new location. These investor meetings are really important.”

I sneered. She sounded like my mom trying to explain why my dad wouldn’t be at my pee-wee football game. I knew why. He was on a tour of duty. I was mad because I had to go with her. She was so embarrassing in the crowd, trying to get my attention by calling me ‘sweetie’. And I swear that every time I was tackled, I could see her talking to the coach.

I was pissed because I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself. No, Eve would be watching me watching the bikini bodies. It would completely ruin the experience.

“And that suit just makes sense. You’ll blend in better.”

I replied, “I know, but I don’t have to like it.”

Eve said with a hint of amusement, “Try not to look like I’m kidnapping you.” She grew more serious, “I actually think this is a good idea. I mean you can’t exactly go to watch strippers and smoke pot, right? I’m not here to judge you, Ryan. I know that this will probably help you kind of feel like you used to.”

I glared at Eve, clearly insulted, “Strippers? Seriously? They are for married guys who are bored of their fat wives and for guys who can’t get laid. Just so they, you know, get close to a girl, maybe get a nice dance. It’s a tease. You think I needed strippers with girls like Monique?”

Eve grunted lightly, “What about girls like Jessica?”

I said, “She’s different.”

Eve said, “I have to keep making up reasons for her not to come over.”

This is what Eve did. This is in fact what a lot of women did. They don’t tell you what is bothering them and then they get mad when you aren’t a mind reader. It was like a girl I would be seeing for a few weeks, we have some fun, and I don’t call her because I had shit to do- and the next time I’m with her, she’s all cold. She doesn’t actually tell me anything, and when I ask her what’s wrong? She says, “Nothing.” Goddamn was that annoying, and here was Eve doing it to me.

I nodded, “Yeah. Well this is the first time I’ve heard about it. Or was all that huffing around a few days ago about that? Or that bedtime shit you pulled last night? Did you do that because you are pissed you haven’t been able to have Jessica over? I’d say you’ve got a pretty fucking good reason right now.”

Eve shot back, “I’ve told you many times that you should start going to bed earlier. You may not be a real six-year old, but your body actually thinks you are. You need to start getting more sleep. Maybe you wouldn’t be so irritable in the morning if you did. And by irritable, I mean a giant pain in the ass. You’re so whiney every morning, and you’re always tired. It could be making it harder to fight the serum too, because your brain isn’t getting the right amount of rest.”

I replied, “That’s such bullshit. You just want to boss me around and play momma bird, Eve. As for Jessica, well she can come over when I’m not there. Like when I’m at Mrs. Feinstein’s or something. I hope you aren’t thinking that I should tell her.”

Eve grunted lightly. I could almost hear her teeth grinding, “She’s my best friend, and it’s getting harder and harder to lie to her. She broke up with that guy she was seeing by the way. The banker. And she’s been asking about you.”

I shook my head repeatedly, “No fucking way am I telling her what happened to me. It’s bad enough that you and Greg know. And Greg tells you everything. Like why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut about the doll?”

Eve replied, “I’m not saying that you should tell her what happened to you. But some closure would be good for her. I go to her place, but I know she wants to come to the apartment, hoping she’ll meet up with you. I don’t know what it is about you, but that girl is still into you.” Eve said the last phrase with obvious disdain, coupled with sincere puzzlement.

I said, “So you want me to lie to her. And what, am I going to do this through text?”

Eve said firmly, “Do it however you want. Just do it. She’s too nice and smart a girl to be hung up on you.”

She said the last word with such disgust that she might as well have just swallowed a concoction of rotten eggs and moldy broccoli.

Even for Eve, this was harsh. What had caused her to turn on me so quickly? Was she waiting to pounce? “What gives, Eve? Why are you so pissed off at me? Why did you even agree to take me to Malibu if you feel like that?”

Eve said through clenched teeth, “Remember a year ago when I asked you about my friend Rachel. I asked if you guys had been fooling around in the bedroom. And remember how I told you specifically to leave her alone before that? You know because she was just coming off a really bad breakup, and she had a lot of issues to work through. What did you tell me?”

This question was a minefield. It was if I had a loaded gun pointed at my head. Oh, and someone had just tossed a grenade in my general direction. There was no use lying. Eve probably kept a diary of ‘Ryan Sullivan’s screw-ups”.

“That nothing happened. Look, Eve- I thought the point of this is that it’s supposed to be fun? To help? Why are you bringing up all this stuff from the past?”

Eve replied with what could only be called restrained rage, “Because something did happen. And I’ve been trying to keep this to myself when I found out a few days ago because I know you are going through some really difficult stuff right now, but you really fucked her up, Ryan. And to hear you talking about women the way you just did, it makes me think this experience hasn’t taught you anything. Or are you just hiding behind those words because you were caught with a dolly? Trying to be the big man again?”

I said, “You realize you are taking me to a beach to ogle women, right? And I’m sorry that Rachel got messed up because of what happened. It just kind of happened. I really thought she wanted it. You know I never forced myself on any girl. Ever.”

Eve replied, “But I told you to leave her alone. She’d been with three other guys before you, all of them really bad for her. She’s that sort of person who needs a friend to say okay, you’ve had enough to drink. She’s very self-destructive in her behaviour. And I specifically told you to leave her alone, and you lied to me.”

We pulled up into the parking lot. I just wanted this conversation to end, so I could focus on the bounty of perfect bikini bodies. I knew they wouldn’t all be perfect, but this was Malibu, not just any-town-USA. A large percentage of them would be college students on spring break. I fought a grin. It was spring break! Spring Fucking Break. I could have come next week with Greg, but I would miss the wet t-shirt contests, bikini dance-offs and plenty of really drunk sorority girls. For that, maybe I could actually spend an afternoon with Eve without wanting to murder her.

I realized quickly, however, even from the front seat, that the college girls in skimpy bikinis were in short supply.

I said, “What gives? This beach is full of fat moms and old people. Where the hell is the spring break shit? Take me to another beach.”

Eve replied, “Maybe people got fed up with their beach turning into a garbage dump. Maybe they don’t want their kids subjected to drunk people swearing and puking.”

She jumped onto her phone, while I shook my head, “Fuck, Eve. You used to go out to clubs when you were in school. What happened to you? You sound like you are forty-five fucking years old. Shit. I remember one time I had to cut YOU off.”

Eve nodded as she scrolled through a page on her phone, “Yeah. I remember. I still like to party. Hmm, based on what I’m seeing here, almost all the events have been moved to clubs and hotels. People complained last year. A lot of them. It got out of hand with a lot of underage drinking too. There’s no alcohol allowed on the beaches this year at all.”

I rolled my eyes, “I guess people don’t want to see hot drunk girls doing amazing things. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Because we aren’t staying here. I’m sure we can find a different beach, one that’s more open. It can’t be all of them.”

Eve shook her head, her lips curling into the hint of a smile, “Do you really think that it is appropriate to bring a six-year old girl to any kind of spring break event? I mean the Hooters over there is having a wet t-shirt contest, but you’d never even get in the front door, would you? What makes you think any of the other ones will be different?”

I shrieked, “Fuck you, Eve! You can’t…it is fucking spring break. This isn’t fair! Take me to a different beach.”

Eve said calmly but firmly, “No.”

She opened the door and stepped out of the car, obviously expecting me to follow. However, I didn’t budge. Eve walked to my side of the car and opened the door. She removed her phone from her purse. A second later, a flash went off as she pointed it at me.

She turned the phone around. Her face lacked any expression. Once I saw the picture, I was surprised she hadn’t been grinning from ear to ear. There I was, with my arms crossed underneath my chest, my head lowered and my lip extended. The camera didn’t lie. I looked like a pouting little girl.

Eve said flatly, “Are you ready to come out now?” It wasn’t a question. To her it was an inevitability.

I sighed lightly and slid my little feet into a pair of white sandals. Eve didn’t say a word. She simply started walking toward the beach.

My swimsuit was thankfully relatively nondescript. Eve hadn’t chosen one that had frilly arms or pink sea horses or worse- one that had a Disney princess theme. No, the most embarrassing thing about it were the words “BEACH GIRL” emblazoned on the front in bright pink letters. As my gaze fell on many of the little girls on the beach, I quickly realized that it could have been much, much worse.

Eve could have chosen a bikini.

I was actually surprised by how many girls about my age were wearing one. They obviously weren’t wearing thongs (not that they had anything to show off), but still- a lot were wearing two pieces. And unfortunately, so were their fat mothers, and they had plenty to show.

They should have been the ones wearing the one pieces. These non-MILFs had stomach rolls, the flesh hanging over the flimsy material of their bottoms. Their asses sagged in the thongs, most of them pocked with cellulite. It was- just…it was gross. Didn’t they realize their faded and stretched tattoos looked better about thirty pounds ago? Some of them still pathetically had belly rings, which were barely visible, nearly engulfed by belly flab. Some of them were OK, but the others were just completely turning me off.

“Try and look a little more disgusted.”

She didn’t wait for me to reply, “I was hoping that I could talk you out of this. That we could have a mature conversation, and that would maybe get you thinking that you need to grow up, especially since the serum has been getting the better of you lately. I hoped you would see that spending the day ogling girls is kind of a waste of time. But you’re just as shallow as you were before your change.”

I mounted my defence, “I can’t help what I’m attracted to, Eve. It’s just…” I lowered my voice. We were getting strange looks from people. “I hate this. It’s torture. I want to go over there.” I pointed to the long lineup that had formed at the beach next to ours. It was a VIP only spring break event. MTV was probably there, or if I was lucky, Girls Gone Wild. It was harmless, cheap fun.

Eve whispered harshly, “You’re out of your mind if you think I’m bringing you over there. First of all, it’s 21 and over probably. Second of all, you’re a six-year old girl. How would I look if I brought you there? I’d look like an unfit mother. We need to keep a low profile here. What if there are still people looking for you?” There was a hint of concern in her voice.

I trudged through the sand toward a free chair. A massive umbrella offered shade from the surprisingly summer-like weather. “Yeah, fine. But this is dangerous. There’s a lot of kids around. It’s going to be a huge temptation.”

Eve nodded, “I figured. It’s a good opportunity for you to try and control yourself. And don’t worry, if you start to wander toward the kids building sand castles or playing in the water, I’ll stop you.” Despite the palpable anger that Eve felt toward me about Rachel, I didn’t doubt her.

Twenty minutes after we had settled under the umbrella, a strong wind picked up, bringing about a sudden chill that left goose bumps in its wake. The thin, light blonde hair on my arms rose gently in goose bumps. Eve and I moved our chairs into the sun.

I rolled over onto my stomach, wanting to feel the glorious sun on my back. I had missed days like this being trapped in the apartment. I had always loved the outdoors, whether it was camping, hiking, fishing or hunting with my dad, and later on with Hannah. I remembered summer days where I just spent the whole day either in a swimming pool or a lake.

Maybe Eve was right. Maybe this was exactly what I needed. I hadn’t seen anyone worth ogling, but I was more relaxed than I had been in months. The wind caused my long hair to whip at my face, but I didn’t care. I took in a deep breath, enjoying the fresh sea air mingling with sizzling, mouth-watering hot dogs and hamburgers. Incredibly, my state of relaxation allowed me to ignore the laughter of the children playing around me.

I was actually smiling. I closed my eyes and slowly drifted away.

I woke with a start. I wasn’t sure how long I had been out, but someone was rubbing my back. Initially I was frightened, especially given my small stature and obvious vulnerability, but once I caught a whiff of vanilla, I knew who it was.

Something cold touched my skin and then soft hands kneaded my shoulders. “Sorry, I noticed your shoulders were getting pretty red.”

The softness had returned to Eve’s voice, and that now familiar tingle, not of arousal, but of intimacy borne of comfort and closeness- and… There was something else, but I wasn’t ready to admit what it was. The tingle spread through my entire body, from my fingertips to my toes. I felt a wonderful electricity.

Despite these feelings, I didn’t pull away. Moments later, I felt hesitation in Eve’s touch, her hands resting limply and then trailing off my back. I desperately wanted them back there because as long as she was close to me, it seemed like everything was going to be OK. She was like a warm blanket, there to hide us from the cold. To remove the fear and embrace us in its folds. She was like-

Alarm bells started ringing as Eve’s hands returned to my back, rubbing in the last of the sun screen. Was Eve as dangerous to both my adult and male self as Emma and Sophia? If we had been the same age, and I was a man, I might have thought she was flirting with me. As the woman had reminded me many times before, she was a nurse, and with that, she had an innate desire to help and to heal. Even if this was the case, I couldn’t ignore what was becoming more than simply pleasant tingles shooting up my spine.

An impossible word was taking shape in my mind. It was a word that would teach me everything I would need to know about being a girl and would comfort me in times of need, vanquishing dancing shadows with a soothing presence. But most of all, it would fill my empty heart.

Was it sad to think that I didn’t love a single person in the world? I loved sex, and I loved the success I had with women, but I hadn’t loved any of them. Not since Hannah, and even then, was I in love with her? This behaviour filled a void that would never be satisfied, like a ravenous beast with a bottomless stomach.

My thoughts turned to my mother, and that was the moment I realized that I had to get Eve to stop treating me this way. The serum or something was turning her into my mother. The looks she gave me, the tenderness she displayed- it wasn’t simply because she wanted to help. My mind flip flopped, finding it difficult to focus. It moved quickly to solutions; a thousand came to mind but none of them focused

Then, salvation walked down the beach in a string bikini. She was the type of woman I would once have pursued, long slim legs and tanned, almost bronze, skin. She would look like hell in a few years, but I would have enjoyed the ride while it lasted. My eyes tracked her as she floated along the beach. A pair of expensive sun glasses covered most of her face, but from what I could see, she was perfect. Almost.

I wrinkled my nose in slight distaste.

Eve’s hands left my back. She snorted derisively, “OK. What the hell was wrong with her?” As much anger as her words could contain, there was hurt and confusion mixed into an extremely bitter brew.

I said matter-of-factly, “Well her left boob was kind of bigger than her right one. She also had this really ugly tattoo of a bird. Her forehead kind of stuck out too. And her nose ...”

Eve roared, “Enough! Y-You have impossible standards. And you’ve got to be the most shallow, insensitive asshole I’ve ever met. She was perfect. She put every single girl on this beach to shame. And- and you find something wrong with her?! You’re never going to learn. There’s no point.” She rose to her feet and grabbed her purse.

This was unexpected. I knew she would be upset, but I had no idea that I was lighting a powder keg with a sea of dynamite underneath. I figured we were leaving, so I started to gather my things. We had a few eyes on us, but most people must have figured Eve was speaking to someone else. Maybe a soon-to-be ex-boyfriend on a Bluetooth? After all, there was no way she was speaking to the little blonde-haired girl.

I started to follow her, but she turned to face me. She lowered herself to one knee and said quietly, “I’m going for a walk, and you aren’t following me.”

I replied, “But you can’t leave me here. What if some kids ask me to play?”

Eve said in a harsh whisper, “You’re a big man. I’m sure you can handle it. Just tell them no.”

My face was full of surprise. I couldn’t believe Eve would leave me here. I had just wanted her to get out of mommy mode, but now, now I was in trouble. There were kids all over the beach. Some of them were busy making sandcastles, while others were using plastic moulds to create sand crabs. The wind carried the sound of laughing children, splashing and diving in the water. I think they were pretending to be frogs. A group of older girls in a circle hit a volleyball to one another.

Out of my relaxed state, my brain was viciously attacked, the shrieks of joy descended on my mind like wolves on a wounded deer. “Eve, come on- you can’t leave me here. You’re better than this.”

Eve turned and left. I watched dumbstruck for a few moments and then started pursuit. A group of girls about my age in pretty bathing suits started walking toward me, so I turned back. I waited for them to pass, but I realized it was futile. Children were scattered over the entire beach like landmines. If I managed to evade one group, I would undoubtedly stumble across another.

I was trapped.

***

I could likely survive the first few encounters without succumbing to play, but eventually, I would join them. Was this Eve’s plot to have me learn my lesson? Would she rescue me, or would she wait, until she had a darling little girl to take home? I wasn’t sure how long it would take, considering Ashley had been gone for a week and came back with a lobotomy, but I had been exposed multiple times already, and my willpower was fading.

Fun. Fun. Fun. The word skipped to unheard music in my mind. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man handing out balloons, advertising some newly renovated car dealership. I wanted a big shiny red one. Kids surrounded the man, reaching hands out to grasp the hard plastic sticks that held the balloons. It was a picturesque scene- the very definition of childlike innocence. As the children left with their balloons, they bounced excitedly. One group of young boys decided to play balloon swords, but this unfortunately caused their balloons to come loose and slowly drift out of reach.

Most of them simply held the balloons with satisfied smiles. I couldn’t understand what was so special about them, but I desperately wanted one. I slowly made my way toward the balloon man.

Just as I reached the edge of the group, I saw a flash of tanned skin out of the corner of my eye and seconds later, I was bowled over.

“Get out of the way, kid.”

At first, I thought a cement block had struck me square in the chest, but as I looked up, I could see it was actually a ‘roid freak. Before my change, I was a regular at the gym, but I wasn’t like them. They were the type who would attempt to bully their way onto machines, staring down other guys and sometimes girls to the point where they would become intimidated and give up the equipment. They constantly talked about how much they were lifting and asked other people how much they lifted.

They grunted like cavemen when they lifted, and when they lifted something heavier than they could take, they sounded like they were either having an orgasm or shitting. I had been stupid enough to get into lifting contests with them, but they usually had some specific vulnerabilities. Despite the fact that their musculature made them look threatening, they actually weren’t. Most of them had never had to throw a punch because their physique was frightening enough. The ones that really juiced- like veins popping out of the eyeballs juicing were also really self-conscious. These were the guys in the gym who always wore a towel in the change room.

I wasn’t sure if they actually caused shrinkage in their package, but why would the most buff guys with muscle upon muscle actually cover up any part of their body?

I was surprised a concerned parent hadn’t become involved immediately after I’d been knocked down, but since the kids were so loud and the parents were busy trying to wrangle their own kids, the contact went unnoticed. Despite being unceremoniously dumped in the sand, I was actually relieved. For one, the ‘roid freak had completely broken my balloon trance. Secondly, and most importantly, I saw in his hands an object that could actually allow me to complete today’s objective- ogling hot bikini-wearing girls.

“Hey, is that a ticket to the party over there?”

The guy nodded his tiny head. It was probably regular-sized, but atop the mountain of muscle, it looked like he had angered some voodoo queen. He turned and headed off in the direction of the party. I ran up alongside him.

“Hey, I need to get in. I think my mom’s there.”

The guy continued walking, increasing his pace and forcing me to lightly jog next to him. “No way, kid. You’re too young. And now you’re fucking bothering me. So piss off.”

Instead of growing angry, I just smiled sweetly. “Listen, you muscle head, you’re going to take me with you. Because if you don’t, I’ll tell every girl that even looks at you that you were mean to me. You know how you knocked me over? That’ll be a good ice breaker.”

The guy laughed, “You’ve got some balls, kid. I’ll give you that. But how are you gonna tell them if you can’t get in?”

I gave him a knowing look, the sweet smile never leaving my face, “Look at me. I’m cute. And I’ve lost my mom in there. You don’t think someone is going to let me in?”

I was laying it on thick, but I was acting, and I figured that my adorable face with its button nose and rosy cheeks should finally be good for something. Yup, it was going to let me see supreme tits and ass.

The guy shook his head in disbelief, “You’re a weird, little girl. Why do you even need me if you can get in by yourself?”

I grinned, “Well it’s just easier if we have a story. I came to you, looking for my mom. She said she was going to the party. Imagine if you help me find her and a bunch of girls see that. You’ve got it made, man.”

He continued looking at me like I was either high or that he was high. “I’m not good at- well- I’m not sure I can get you in.” I figured.

We were about fifty feet away from the line-up, and I could see the bouncers. They were equally massive, and ‘roid freak obviously hoped he could get by in life with never opening his mouth.

I nodded, “I get it. Look, no problem. Let me do all the talking.”

At that point, I probably could have convinced him to let me borrow his wallet. It was really the first time I had used my body and my age to manipulate someone. It’s not like I had batted my eyelashes or smiled cutely at Eve or Greg, hoping for extra scoops of ice cream. I couldn’t get over how easy it was. Still, it was a slippery slope, and one that could land me on an actual slip n’ slide.

We made our way to the long line, but with a few quick words, we were soon at the front, facing the bouncers. Both were wearing t-shirts that cried out for release, with sleeves straining to contain their massive veiny arms. One was slightly smaller, but he only looked this way because he must have been almost seven feet tall. Honestly, both men looked like genetically altered super humans. Their arms and legs looked thicker than my entire body.

Despite this, I felt no fear. I knew how to play bouncers like them, and I had a new secret weapon.

I was adorable.

I fell into character, sticking out my lip and lowering my head. I was talking to my feet, but it was all for effect. “I think my mom’s in there. I saw her go in line. This nice guy said he’d take me in to look for her.”

The hot blonde waiting in line right behind us said, “Aww, that’s so sweet.” The sob story caught the ears of a few other girls, all of them looking at my ‘saviour’ with interest that hadn’t existed moments ago. It only worked with some girls, but kids, puppies, kittens - it was like the perfect ice breaker. The girls thought that ‘roid freak was kind, virtuous and genuine.

It wasn’t complicated. The girls didn’t want kids now, but I am sure they were still subconsciously thinking about it, and so their choice of boyfriend often had to be kid-friendly. I knew this for a fact because some girls just melted hearing stories about me volunteering at a community centre. The part about the free acting lessons usually softened most of them up significantly. Some like Monique didn’t care, but many bought the story.

It wasn’t the best way to start a relationship, but then it was really just messing around. There wasn’t baggage associated with it, at least for me. I never told bold-faced lies to Jessica or Hannah. And besides, girls lie too.

The most common? They lie about the number of guys they’ve been with, both rounding up and rounding down. I’ve been with girls who lied about being virgins. Girls don’t want to be sluts, but they also don’t want to seem like wannabe Amish either. So, they lie about their number of sexual partners. Word to the wise, there is nothing worse than virgins. Some guys might think that it is fun to pop a cherry, and that it is some kind of accomplishment, but the consequences are often not worth the short thrill. Some girls break down crying, in disbelief they gave it away on a drunken whim, and others start picking out napkins and china for the wedding. Some exaggeration there. Either way, everyone lies to get what they want, to create an image, an ideal of how they want to be viewed.

The giant bouncer asked, “Where’s your dad, kid?

I replied sadly, “He had to work.” I sniffed lightly.

The other bouncer asked, “Why would your mom leave you alone?”

I knew the question was coming, and I played the reaction like a little girl fighting the fear of abandonment mixed with frustration, knowing that something was wrong with her mother, and yet not understanding it and being powerless to help. My eyes sunk and my shoulders slumped in defeat, my voice had been reduced to a pathetic whine. “I-I don’t know.” I sniffed lightly, my face becoming a pained mask.

“You’re such a dick! Just let the poor kid look for her mom in there.”

“How could you ask a little girl a question like that?”

“Look, you’re making her cry!”

The girls immediately behind us were firmly on my side.

The giant bouncer said, “Hey, Trav - maybe we should let the kid in. You know for five minutes. It’s not like she’s going to drink a 40 of rum or something.” He pointed to ‘roid freak, “You. You take her in there and help her find her mom. Bring her back in five minutes.”

Roid freak did as he was told. Once again, I noticed how easy it was to manipulate people, this time with the threat of water works. I had no plan to use my cuteness factor on a regular basis, but it was for a good cause at least - tits and ass. I also realized that I was really getting into the part. Playing a six-year old was becoming easier. After the debacle at the studio, I wasn’t in a huge hurry to return to acting, but I was pleased that I still had it.

Roid freak said, “Wow, kid. You actually got in. And you got me to the front of the line. Uh, sorry about your mom and everything. Does she do this a lot? I hope we find her. Are you OK?” Apparently, roid freak was a human being after all. I don’t know why he suddenly decided to give a shit. Was I an even better actor than I thought?

I nodded, “Yeah. I’m okay. Look, I don’t really need you to walk around with me. We can meet back here in five minutes. Alright?”

The young man shook his head, “I’m supposed to stay with you and help you find your mom.”

I scoffed, surprised that I had seemingly lost my hold on the man, “What? So you’re a fucking boy scout now? You remember knocking me down, right? Acting like it was my fault?”

It only took a second for me to realize what he wanted. The trio of girls, who had been standing behind us in line, had entered the party. The young man waved them over, and in the process, completely ignored me.

I clenched my teeth and balled my tiny hands into fists, while the girls made their way over. Could I fault this asshole for using me like this? I would have done the same thing. The adorable little blonde girl was obviously a chick magnet. He would go through the motions of helping her find her mommy, while gaining a serious advantage over the trio of pretty co-eds.

The blonde said, “Hey! Did you want us to help you?”

‘Roid freak nodded, “Yeah, sure. I guess we should check the bar first.”

Holy shit. This guy was a smoother operator than I thought. Or maybe he figured the blonde girl’s alcoholic mom would be at the most likely place. I had either underestimated his intelligence, or he actually wanted to help.

Another blonde, this one with dark roots showing and some remnants of the freshman fifteen around her waist said, “We should find Tanya and Amanda. They could help too.”

The blonde lowered herself to eye level and said with a smile, “Hi, cutie. What’s your name?”

I replied flatly, “Riley.”

She nodded, the smile never leaving her face, “What a cute name! I love your swimsuit. Did you pick it out from the store all by yourself?”

This was tremendously annoying. Did real kids like being spoken to like this, and especially girls? I knew I was cute, but did she have to broadcast it to the world? A little tingle of pleasure ran up my spine, the same one that reared its ugly puss-filled head when I looked at myself in the mirror while wearing the dress. The word ‘cute’, along with ‘pretty’, had slowly infiltrated my mind. Their presence, like cement oozing down a trough, pooling within my brain, threatened to solidify the words not only in my vocabulary but also in my very core. This made it extremely difficult to enjoy the way the blonde’s rack jostled in her top. They were a bit saggy for my liking, but natural boobs obviously had gravity to worry about.

Amazingly, the way she was speaking to me made me think of Mrs. Feinstein, and how she rarely talked down to me. She actually treated me like a person, not some walking-talking stereotype.

The blonde asked me in this sing-songy voice that reminded me of the fucking record player from the studio. “So what does your mommy look like?” It took everything for me not to punch her in the mouth.

I replied, “She’s pretty, with long black hair. She’s wearing a yellow swimsuit.”

I had to get away from the group. I should have been in heaven - the kind of heaven where thumping house music causes hips to gyrate and boobs to jiggle enticingly. It was the type of place with a strict bikinis only dress code. This is what I saw before me, but I couldn’t enjoy it, not fully, not until I was away from this group - a group that was treating me exactly how I looked.

The group split up, with the hot blonde and ‘roid freak taking me to the bar, while the two other girls went somewhere else - looking for someone who didn’t exist. The bar was packed. Bartenders served beer and mixed drinks in red plastic cups. Drunk people made out, with one guy going to town on a girl’s neck. The music was raunchy, but perfect, mostly sped up top 40 remixes set to dirty beats. It was the kind of music that made girls want to take off their clothes. Some people, girls included, sat sullenly at the bar, looking like they didn’t belong. Either they were sick or pathetic. It was so easy to hook up at a party like this.

The party was in an exclusive water-front club. It was the type of place that even I would have had a hard time getting into. I wasn’t sure how ‘roid freak managed to score a pass, but his expensive watch and clothes told me that he either knew someone or paid someone. It was obvious that ridiculously hot girls got in for free- as the blonde and her friend didn’t even have passes. Many of the girls lounging around the in-ground pool and shaking their asses on main dance floor also didn’t have passes.

Suddenly, shouting erupted to our left. Male voices cheered, arms raised- I thought at first it was March Madness highlights or a fight, but it wasn’t- no, it was way, way better.

‘Roid freak said, “Should we really be letting her see this?”

The hot blonde replied, “Probably not.”

Laying on the bar with her tits pushed out and her legs firmly propped up on a bar stool was a woman doing body shots. I couldn’t see her face, but fuck, this is exactly what I wanted to see. What I needed to see. I didn’t exactly have the right equipment any more, but it was sort of like a muscle car engine being replaced with a shitty V4. It didn’t drive the same, but I could still enjoy the view.

“Hey, no kids allowed in here. How did she even get in?”

While I had been excited at the prospect of seeing the body shots, a female bartender quickly took the role of cock blocker. It’s not like I wanted to see other guys doing the body shots, but there was something about the wet skin, the smell of the alcohol mixing with tanning lotion and all of it on a body that was tight and smooth that got me revved up. At least, until the bartender ruined everything.

‘Roid freak said, “She said her mom’s in here. We’re trying to find her.”

The bartender said, “By bringing her to the bar to see body shots? And people sucking faces? There’s like three hundred people here too. We could just put an announcement over the PA. It might save the poor thing from being warped by this.”

The hot blonde replied, “Yeah, OK- and if her mom is too drunk or doesn’t care? That’s kind of the problem. I get the feeling she’s done this before.”

The bartender nodded, “Good point. It’s more serious than just finding her though. If she’s too drunk to take care of her daughter, then we’ve got a bigger problem. And you know now that I think about it, maybe we should just call the police. She way too young to be left alone.”

‘Roid freak said, “She said her dad had to work, but maybe he could just come and get her.”

My story was starting to unravel, or it would as soon as they tried to call Greg. His improvisation skills weren’t just lacking- they were non-existent. The bartender clearly had the little blonde girl’s best interests in mind, and that meant trouble, especially if the police got involved. It was obvious I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy the body shots while the adults discussed my fate as if I couldn’t hear every word. Maybe they thought I didn’t understand. Either way, I wasn’t going to get what I needed to reassert my alpha maleness hanging around this group.

While the three of them talked about different options for finding my ‘mommy’, I slipped away. It was surprisingly easy. For one, they hadn’t even been paying attention to me. Beyond the bar, I could see a staircase which led to a balcony. I quickly moved toward the stairs, and while the crowd was dense, with tight bodies packed together their limbs flailing almost in unison to the dirty beats, because of my size, I was able to slide between the bodies and duck under the limbs.

I knew I didn’t have much time, but I had to see something worthwhile. Most importantly, however, I had to feel something that told me that Ryan Sullivan was OK- that he hadn’t been swallowed by a world of puffy dresses and plastic dolls.

I managed to reach the stairs. Thankfully, most of the people around me were too wasted to even notice a six-year old. As I started to climb the stairs, I heard the familiar sound of men shouting. Thinking it would lead to more body shots, I quickened my pace. I reached the top of the stairs and slipped through a heavy velvet curtain, where a small group of guys, probably early to mid-twenties, were doing shotguns. They punctured beer cans and then brought them to waiting lips, letting the liquid spray into their mouths like water from a busted faucet.

I hadn’t really hung out with guys like this before, at least not on an extended basis. In clubs, I preferred guys like Greg. He made me look better by comparison, especially because compared to these guys- I was average. These were the guys that I got into lifting contests with at the gym, and the ones that I competed with for the hottest girls at the bar.

I was surprised to see they were drinking from beer cans, considering everyone downstairs had those red plastic cups and were actually buying their drinks. Apparently, when you were a true alpha, in both body and mind, you said to fuck with the rules.

Still, it didn’t explain why the guys were on the balcony for a sausage party. I figured that the curtain would lead to a champagne room, but I was actually on the balcony overlooking the pool. Why had the guys staked out this spot?

“Welcome to the wettest, fucking hottest spring break party in California! Club Sin is proud to present GIRLS GONE WILD!” The crowd below roared in approval, both men and women, but mostly men.

As a teenager, I didn’t exactly need my dad’s old car magazines, with hot women splayed out over equally hot looking cars. I didn’t need it because we had the internet- that magical box that let teenage boys see boobs. It was actually at a friend’s house- I was about thirteen, and the kids’ parents were out. Well, he showed me a video that made every single pleasure capable nerve in my body practically spasm.

Girls in bikinis pouring water on themselves, shaking their asses and exposing their boobs. It was everything a teenage boy could want, and it was free. That was my introduction to Girls Gone Wild, and while I had always wanted to actually be there, I never had the money to go to Cancun or to get into private bars like Club Sin, where they always shot them, but now- here I was about to see the Greatest Show on Earth.

I found a dark corner to hide and looked down on paradise.

It started with a relatively mild bikini contest. The girls paraded out, each with a number attached to their hip. They strutted down a walkway leading from the stage to the edge of the pool. Dirty beats sent hips thrusting and asses jiggling, causing the crowd to cheer wildly.

Something was off though. Equipment lacking aside, it was all sort of meh. It was like a prize fight, two fierce, brutal competitors, and then a knock-out in the first thirty seconds. All the hype attached to the bout, the hours of commentary, the weigh-in that turns into a shoving match, it ended up being a massive disappointment.

I had been looking forward to this from the moment Greg suggested it, and while Eve had been the equivalent of a cold shower, I had managed to ditch her. And unlike earlier at the bar, I was mostly alone.

Plus, I wasn’t being treated like a kid, which had severely sapped my libido. There was no excuse for feeling like this. It felt like I was trying to force myself to be attracted to a fat girl or something. It was unnatural.

The bikini contest turned into a wet t-shirt contest, and then there was a dance off. The incredibly hot blonde, the same one that had allowed me to ditch Eve, took the stage and got into her dance routine, which mostly involved shaking her ass up and down. Suddenly, an extremely drunk girl jumped on stage and started grinding against perfection in a bikini. This caused the crowd to erupt, an absolute explosion of approval.

While the blonde was initially nonplussed and annoyed with the cheering, she quickly got into it.

“Kiss her! Yeah fucking make out!”

The drunk girl roughly pulled the blonde toward her and extended her tongue, proceeding to lick the other girl’s neck. The rough treatment caused something wonderful to happen. The blonde’s bikini top was pulled down revealing a bare boob. This was followed by the other girl, who was a pretty Latina with a nice ass, ramming her tongue down the throat of the blonde.

It was unbelievably hot girl-on-girl action. It was every man’s fantasy playing out not on a TV screen, but in wonderful, tanned and tight flesh. Below, hundreds of cell phones captured the moment.

As the guys beside me watched on in ecstasy, continuing to shotgun and holler at the girls, I watched in agony. My body hadn’t experienced a single pinprick of pleasure. Worst of all, the longer I stayed here, the stranger I felt - like I didn’t belong.

Like I was seeing something I shouldn’t.

I left the shadows, my perfect hiding spot to view what should have been a reassertion of my manhood.

Realization struck me, but this time it wasn’t like a simple punch in the face. No, this realization was a transport truck not simply striking but demolishing a four-door sedan, leaving the car in a junkyard-ready state.

The tingle…it had never been for attractiveness. The only time I had felt it was when I was being helped by someone. It had been there when Eve shampooed my hair for the first time and just today, when she applied sunscreen to my back and shoulders. A similar sensation shot up my spine when Mrs. Feinstein had taken my side about the dress issue.

But, I had felt it at El Casa. I knew that it was there, as I stared at the amazing boobs, jutting out from the tight blouse of the waitress as she handed me…

Crayons.

I fled the club, running as fast as my short legs would carry me. At this point, I wasn’t thinking of who would see me - I just needed to get away from all the bikini bodies. Their lithe, toned shapes, perfectly formed asses, gravity-defying boobs, and long lustrous hair, bouncing in curly waves along their back was all a painful tease.

I slipped through the drunks, the outcasts and the beautiful people, quickly reaching the entrance. I couldn’t walk past the bouncers, not after ditching everyone inside. They were probably looking for me. The metal barrier that ran alongside the entrance to Club Sin gave me an idea. While the barrier kept the adult-sized from sneaking into the club, it was an easy fit for my escape.

I slid my slender frame through the bars and found myself in the middle of the line for Club Sin, Incredibly, the line stretched halfway down the beach. Last year, I would have done anything to get in, letting Ashley lecture me for three straight hours on the mistreatment of women in Hollywood, and I probably would have even agreed to make out with the disgusting receptionist at Dr. Travers’ clinic. Now, however, I wanted nothing to do with it. The lack of even a tingle was making me seriously question if I still found girls attractive. My posture was defeated, with slumped shoulders and eyes that stared at sand and cute little white sandals.

The serum had won, but worst of all, it had won from the very beginning. I had been fighting to hold onto something that I had lost months ago.

The sound of laughter danced toward me, immediately my heart started to race, and a burst of energy filled my body. I slowly raised my head and my shoulders followed in kind. Slender bodies took to the air, propelling themselves out of the water and then landing, their hands cresting the water. I watched, fascinated, as the bodies disappeared underneath the waves, only to surface seconds later.

Three little girls splashed and swam and laughed. From the bizarre squeaking and honking they were doing, it sounded like they were trying to be dolphins. Or seals. I wasn’t sure, but the game looked fun- really fun, and it would make me forget for a little while that I wasn’t whole- that an integral piece of Ryan Sullivan was gone.

I slipped out of my sandals and walked slowly toward the water. Moments later, the waves nipped gently at my toes as I entered the surf.

Five minutes. I would stay for five minutes.

Within a minute, I was laughing and playing with the girls. They accepted me readily, but a slightly older girl said I had to be a mermaid. That sounded like fun too, and I was still friends with the dolphins.

Five minutes. Had it been five minutes yet?

The mermaids lived in castles below the ocean. I imagined myself with a long fishy tail, and incredibly, there it was. The older girl, the momma dolphin, dove down deep and pulled up a pretty shell. She put in my hair, and then the dolphins taught me their language.

It felt longer than five minutes. But was it?

How long is five minutes?