Daniel is just your ordinary average teenage boy. Or is he? What started out as an ordinary summer day quickly becomes a journey of self discovery and change.
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Dinner that night was no different than usual. As we all sat down to eat everyone began to talk about their day. My older brother had been working all day at the gas station so he began talking about some of the costumers that had come in that day. We live in a large farmhouse not too far from the American Canadian border, and as a result he sometimes sees some strange things at work.
“So this car pulls into the station and has skis strapped to the roof. The driver comes inside and asks me how far away the snow and mountains are.”
“Snow and mountains? It's the middle of summer! You would think he'd expect to see mountains if there are any nearby.” Elayne said.
“I know! Obviously he doesn't know anything about Canada, and just thought it's winter all year long.” Matt laughed. “Anyways I decided it would be great to have some fun with him. I told him that if he drove another hour north, the snow would be about 3 feet deep and the mountains would be another hour past that.”
“He didn't believe it!” Elayne exclaimed.
“Well he seemed to, he thanked me for my help and continued the way he was going.”
Elayne and Matt erupted into a fit of laughter. Normally I would have joined in, but tonight I wan't paying much attention to Matt's story.
“Matt! You know I hate it when you play with people like that. I wish you would stop. What would your boss think?” My mother frowned at him.
“He'd probably laugh as hard as I was! He's the one that showed me how much fun it could be in the first place.”
“Well just because he does it, it doesn't make it right. One of these days you're going to make fun of the wrong person and they'll come back and shoot you. You know most Americans have guns.”
At the mention of guns my younger sister Suzie burst into tears and started wailing.
“Oh honey! I'm sorry, nobody is going to shoot Matt!” My mom grabbed Suzie into a big hug and started to comfort her.
“Is she still worked up by all that?” Matt asked.
“Yes, she still hasn't gotten over it.” My mom answered. “I'm a little concerned that she might have permanent trauma from it.”
This time I did smile a little as I had snapped out of my thoughts when Suzie started crying. This past school year Matt had tried out for a school play and got a part. The whole family had gone to see it and Matt hadn't told us much of anything about it before hand except that it was a Western. We had all been enjoying the play and had made sure to point out Matt to Suzie every time he came on stage. Everything was going fine until Matt's character was killed in a gunfight. Suzie started bawling and screaming and it had taken us 10 minutes to calm her down and convince her he wasn't really dead. It helped a lot when he came back on stage as another character.
At the end of the play Matt quickly came to find us and we all joked how he should win an award for the most convincing death scene. Matt smiled and commented that many of the other actors were impressed that he made a kid cry. At least until they found out it was his little sister.
He went over to Suzie and said “Hi.”
“Hi, you're dead.”
“No, I'm alive, it's just pretend.”
“Unh-unh you're dead I saw them kill you. You're a ghost now.” Suzie giggled.
We had all thought that would be the end of it but then the nightmares started. Since then we weren't allowed to have anything that remotely looked like a gun in the house.
I had thought that with all that had already happened I'd get through the meal without talking at all when my sister Robin commented, “We watched a talk show today that was really weird. It had guys that wanted to dress like girls on it.”
Elayne winced and quickly tried to kick Robin under the table, but it was too late.
My mom had managed to calm Suzie down and now turned her attention completely to Robin. “Oh really? Why were you watching that?”
Robin hesitated, she could tell my mother was angry about what she had said but was unsure why. She decided to do what she did best. “Well Elayne and Daniel were watching it. I wanted to watch cartoons, but they wouldn't let me.”
It worked. My mother than turned to Elayne and I. “Why were you two watching that show? You know how much I hate you watching that kind of trash. Especially when it shows such disgusting behavior.”
I stared down at my plate, Its amazing how interesting something like mashed potatoes becomes when you don't want to talk.
“Elayne?”
Elayne let out a deep sigh. “I'm sorry mom, it was on when I turned on the TV and it just seemed so unbelievable. I didn't know they could do things like that. I won't do it again.”
“Make sure that you don't. You're the oldest at home, and that means I expect you to be the responsible one. You shouldn't be poisoning your mind or your brothers and sister's minds with trash like that. They are showing something so sinful. God hates the kind of people on those shows.”
Whew, it seemed like studying my potatoes did the trick. Elayne got in trouble because she was in charge. I thought about what my mother had said. God hates those kind of people? I wondered about that. I wanted to ask how she knows what God does and doesn't hate. I decided that I should check my Bible after dinner and see if there was anything in there.
After dinner was done, we quickly cleaned the dishes and the kitchen. Most of the family went to watch TV together and I went up to my room and pulled my Bible off my bookcase. Hmmm, let me see... Deuteronomy would probably be the place to look, it sounds like it would be something in the book of law. I flipped through the pages and after a bit of searching I found nothing.
There must be a faster way to find it than this. Ah the concordance, of course I should have thought of that sooner. I'll just look under clothes and see if I can find something. Here it is! Deuteronomy 22:5. No wonder it was taking me so long to find it before, it's near the end. I flipped to the verse.
“5 A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.”
Hmmm, it seemed that my mother was right after all. God does hate men that wear women's clothes. I guess that means that I ought to pray for forgiveness and put those panties on the bench. I lifted up the corner of the mattress and pulled out the panties. Kneeling on the floor by the bed I began to pray.
“Dear God, I come before you today a sinner. Lord Jesus I am sorry that I broke your commandments and that I sinned. I didn't realize what I was doing something wrong in your eyes. Father God I pray that you will forgive me for what I have done.”
I stood up after finishing the prayer and picked up the panties. I intended to bring them out and put them on the bench. I wanted to put them on the bench. I didn't want God mad at me. I've always tried hard to follow what the Bible tells me and what my parents told me. I was a good person.
Wasn't I? I couldn't make myself take the panties out of the room. I realized that I really wanted to put them on again. I was surprised at how much I wanted to do this. It seemed like this piece of cloth had taken a hold of me and I couldn't let it go. How could something like this affect me so deeply?
I stood there for a couple more minutes looking down at the panties in my hands. Resisting the urge to put them on I quickly slide them back under the mattress. I flopped down on the bed and buried my face in the pillow.
What is wrong with me?? I wanted to do the right thing, but I just couldn't do it! At least I had resisted the urge to wear them again. That was a start wasn't it? I wondered if God hated me for even wanting to put them on and not getting rid of them like I should. Was I going to go to hell?
I lay there for what felt like eternity trying to sort through the feelings and thoughts going through me. In all my life I have never felt this way about anything before. I had never felt such a compulsion or a need to do something I knew was so wrong.
A small voice in the back of my mind began to speak to me. Is it wrong though? Are you sure? Perhaps it isn't.
I got up and went downstairs to join my family watching TV. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts and that was as good a way as any. The only thing that I knew for sure was that I was really very confused.
When I got into the living room my mom looked up at me. “Where have you been?”
“I was in my room reading my Bible and praying.”
My mom smiled. “You sure spend a lot of time doing that.”
“Yeah I guess I do. I like reading my Bible.”
“You're going to make a great pastor some day.” She looked quite happy about that.
I took a seat on the couch and tried to get into watching the show with them. I'll make a great pastor someday alright, I thought, a pastor that wants to wear women's clothes and that God hates. I am so sure that would go over so well.
I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet, but I knew that as long as I had this issue to deal with, becoming a pastor was probably out. Today just feels like a day of doors slamming closed, and I am caught in the middle and don't know where to go.
I watched TV with my family until it was time for bed. As I was heading up the stairs I suddenly stopped. “Mom, when is dad going to be home next?” I called out.
“He should be home next week Saturday.” My mom said loudly from the living room.
“Not this Saturday?”
“No, the next one.”
I went back to the living room and stood in the doorway. “How long will he be home for?”
“He's flying in Saturday night, and flying out again Monday morning, so we'll have him home for Sunday.”
“Ok”
“Now go to bed, it's getting late.”
“Yes mom.”
I ran up the stairs to my room and into my room. I stripped of my clothes and picked up my PJs. Then I stopped, stripped off my underwear, pulled out the panties from under the mattress and put them on. Once again I was thrilled by the feeling of the silk on my skin. I stopped and looked into the mirror. It just didn't look right. On impulse I reached into the panties and tucked my bits beneath. It was to my surprise more comfortable than I expected, and it looked much better. I admired myself in the mirror for a couple minute, then I put on my PJs and crawled into bed.
I wondered briefly what my father would think if he knew what I was doing right now. He'd probably hate me as much as God does right now. Once again a wave of guilt and shame washed over me for doing something that was so clearly wrong. I was tempted to jump out of bed and change and again beg for forgiveness.
Instead I stayed in bed until the feeling passed. I didn't know what was wrong with me or why I was doing this, but it sure felt right. I prayed a quick little prayer.
“Dear God, I know what your word says, and I know how it declares what I am doing as wrong. Father God, if it is a sin I am sorry and I ask that you free me of these feelings. But Lord, what I am doing somehow feels so right and I can't believe that something that tugs at my heart like this so strongly can be so wrong. Father God I ask that you will help me do what is right. Amen.”
I finished the prayer and closed my eyes to sleep. The last thought I remember thinking before drifting off was that I guess that I am going to hell.
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Comments
Truncated
Deuteronomy 22:5 is not about forbidding crossdressing and/or transvestism. It's about forbidding lust. Over the centuries, the verse was truncated (as it's intent was "understood") and as the meaning behind the words changed, the meaning behind what was left changed...
Consider this, the version most are familiiar with these days is: The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so [are] abomination unto the LORD thy God.
Now, if it hadn't been truncated to save some space, the way it would translate today (well, to KJV, anyway) would be: The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man to enter into the [bath-]house of men, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment to enter into the [bath-]house of women: for all that do so [are] abomination unto the LORD thy God.
Big difference, huh? There are loads of places you can find this information out and verify it in libraries and on the internet as well as simply go and talk to a Rabbi -- that's where I first learned of it.
Truncated
I agree that this verse is quite often misquoted and misused. It is also the first verse quoted by conservative traditional Christians in response to transgender people. In my experience most Christians consider themselves experts on the Bible and often give their opinions on what it means with no consideration at all about the thousands of translations it has been through, and the thousands of times that it has been copied. They then state that opinion without and deep research and looking into actually meaning and give a biased and usually worthless opinion about what it actually means.
I included this in here because it is an experience that many transgender people have been through, and can associate with.
Deuteronomy 22:5
I went to a Christian womens website not that long ago about the same verse.I tried to remember where I got the link and find it before I posted on this but had no success.Anyways the sight had a different translation than Edyns it basically said that the verse was meant to apply to women wearing the clothing of a warrior or a man wearing womens clothes to avoid the military or confuse an enemy.The site also pointed out that the same words were used in biblical times to describe both men's and women's clothing because there was very little difference in them.I'm looking forward to how you continue your story and how the religious aspect of it effects it.Amy
Hmm... modern adaptation?
Boys wearing sundresses to sneak into the upstairs rooms of Sorority houses are pissing off God. Girls wearing... oh come on, like any girl would have to 'sneak' to get access to a Frat house?
Kristin Darken
Interesting Subject
I am glad this has been posted. The subject is an interesting one and I am curious how this tale will play out. This part includes something that is often encountered by transgender and gay people. Deuteronomy is used to denounce trans and gay people and not really for anything else. The code in Deuteronomy is a long one and contains some really strange stuff that no one would consider today; slavery and prostitute of one's daughter are two that come to mind. If one is following any of the code, one has to follow all of the code since we as mere humans do not get to pick and choose which of God's law we wish to follow. Without starting an argument, which is rather hard not to do when discussing religion, Deuteronomy is probably not God's law, but the law decided by a group of men at the time and disguised as coming from God. I do know that my God is not a God that would damn a young boy for putting on a pair of his sister's knickers.
Christians often use Deuteronomy to denounce groups and individuals they hate. There is an oxymoron in that statement as Christ spoke against hate, and to be a Christian translates directly into following the beliefs of Christ. Most Christians would never consider the law that it is ok to own slaves as long as they come from a neighbouring country, nor would they kill their neighbour for working on the Sabbath. The Old Testament has nothing to do with Christianity, as it was written before Christ showed upon the scene.
Even if one wants to use the Old Testament, or even the New Testament, to guide how they live, they need to do so from the original text since, as it has been pointed out, the current texts are broken due to mistranslations and intentional doctoring through the centuries. Furthermore, one has to use the meanings of the words at the time the text was written. Modern meanings of the words can NOT be used because they were unknown to the writers at the time the New and Old Testaments were written. For example, the word companion today often just means a friend. At the time of the New Testament, the word companion had no meaning of friend; instead, it meant spouse as in wife.
The one that I always use
when the detractors refuse to accept that D22:5 is poorly translated is the shellfish bit.
"Do you like shrimp?"
"What's that got to do with it?"
"Have you ever eaten shrimp?"
"I don't see what that has to do with anything, but yes!"
"Then we're in the same boat, buddy."
GOD HATES SHRIMP EATERS!
I believe it's time to go picket the Red Lobster...
~~devoutly yours, Laika
What borders on pure insanity?
Canada and Mexico.
.
I Feel For Daniel
That poor boy has a lot to deal with about himself. He is a good boy that is finding out about himself.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Ah yes, the guilt and condemnation part
Dear heart, I first knew in the early 50's. Oh, I didn't know all the new words we have now for all this; you were a normal person or a fagot and fagots were likely to be beaten to death.
I was 5 and walked into the living room, with all my family, wearing my sister's skirt. I had decided that I was like my sister. I was so happy when my stepfather said that if I "wanted to act like a girl, he'd treat me like one". It was when I said, "thank you" that I found he hadn't meant what I thought. He beat me until he couldn't stand up.
Like many of us here, I was conditioned to reject myself; feeling dirty and guilty over our heart felt desires. I managed until I was in my early 40's and then over the next 15 years, she began to exert herself more and more, until I was fully out...
I hope the writing of this story will help you to emote; to work out your pain; to feel new security with those who accept you fully.
Many blessings
Gwen
Colossians 2;14 Put The Issue To Rest
Colossians 2:14 made those old testament Jewish laws null and void. It tells us not to worry about those old laws with their rules and regulations.They were cancelled out when Jesus took them to the cross at crucifixion. When Adam and Eve came on the scene,they were naked. When God found them hiding in the garden, Adam told him they were ashamed that they were naked and used fig leaves to cover themselves. God told him that he never told them they were naked, they did. I really believe that if God was so concerned about what we wear, then we would have come out of the womb fully clothed in gender specific clothes.We were naked! Clothing rules are something made up by man over the centuries. Men wore long robes that would have been considered women's attire in today's culture. The Bible has no less than 26 different translations anyway. Man has put things in and taken stuff out to keep certain segments of society "in their place" Jesus spent most of his time among the outcasts of society. Some people who call themselves "Christians" seem to have forgotten that. They go around telling people that babies go to Hell if they aren't baptized. This is utter nonsense! They do not pay attention to the words of Jesus on this issue either. He said "Suffer the little children come unto me and do not hinder them for such is the kingdom of Heaven. God understands so much more and loves so much more deeply than mere humans can ever grasp. Man hates, God loves! Fred Phelps and his ilk do not know the meaning of the word love. I am looking forward to reading more of this story. There is so much that his family can learn about love and acceptance.
It's not forgetting
It's an active effort on the part of the intolerant leadership to justify their prejudices. The simply choose not to acknowledge that particular bit when it's inconvenient to them.
As far as coming out of the womb clothed... when 1.7% of all human births are technically neither male nor female but somewhere in between... yeah, there really isn't much sense to the idea that clothing should be linked to your biology.
Good Stat, Edeyn
The Intersex Society of North America sets the number of births whose bodies differ from standard male or female at one in 100.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Different definitions ...
... produce slightly different numbers in different studies. Also, how close are you looking, the number is slightly higher if internal investigations are routinely done. I think ISNA was being conservative to avoid controversy.
And it's higher in some parts of the world, Italy and Puerto Rico for instance.
Hugs,
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
I Totally Agree
I think Edeyn's stated number is more accurate.
That's why it's so sick when people talk about gender in two specifics and base law on that lie.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Be interesting ...
... to see if the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) could be used to overturn some of these absurd laws. A state law that assumes there are only two clear-cut sexes/genders is obviously discriminatory and could probably be appealed under the ADA and the 14th Amendment (Due Process under state laws).
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
One consequence ...
... of the numbers is that EVERYONE in America probably knows a dozen or more people and is related to several who are to one degree or another, intersexed. It's just not talked about.
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
The ADA is a Good Thought
The ADA is immensely broad in scope. I've attended number of seminars where lawyers have made that point repeatedly. Their mantra is, "If you think ADA doesn't cover it, think again."
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Years ago, Angela...
When I was still in my "activist" phase and making waves in Washington, DC...
I was interviewed by a group doing a study on gender, transsexualism and intersexuality and the goal of the study was to see if there was a higher incidence of HIV/AIDS than in the hetero community. They compiled data from a large amount of people in many different ways, but later I found that a quote from my "totally confidential" interview had found its way from the research group in Canada to a website in the UK that pulled most of its data straight from the ISNA site.
So, I was quoted (under a former name) at the top of the "Breakout Youth" Intersex pages. I didn't really mind, since they did credit me, but I am -still- curious how they got the quote from my confidential interview. I've asked them many times but have never received an answer.
The quote?
Gender is really outdated. You might say that we're very much wired as a society to believe that there's only 2 answers ... gender isn't just male or female. There's a plethora of options between, why do we have to stick with one or the other? It's not a yes/no binary question. It's like asking someone from Canada, "Do you live in Montreal or Quebec?" with absolutely no expectation of any other answer - it's completely ridiculous.
-- Edeyn Hannah Blackeney (Using the name, Trysha E'Layne Kaneko), February 2003
A Great Story
Exploring the feelings of a confused child living within the constraints of a strict religious household (notice that I didn't say Christian?)
Funny how so many so-called Christians claim to know that God (who is supposed to be omnipotent and supernatural) wouldn't like this or that, yet don't follow the teaching of Jesus Christ.
Been there, done that, suffered.
If my local paster knew what I really believed he'd probably shit a brick.
Susie
Let's Us Splay
If only he would shit a brick and spread his body canals enough so that he could eliminate all his unGodly bias.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)