I was expecting him to stop and denounce me as a sinner.
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I woke on Sunday morning to a bright room as light streamed through the windows. I lay in my bed and recalled my inability to fall asleep the night before. I immediately felt another fresh wave of guilt wash over me.

Oh my God, I had done it again. I felt like ripping my hair out. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this? Why do I feel this way? I just want to be a normal person. But I can't seem to stop. Sometimes I feel like I really want to stop, sometimes I am so sure that I can stop. Then I am overcome with a desire to wear these clothes. It's so strong. It breaks through my resolve so easily and I just can't help but give in.

It's almost as if there are two people inside of my I realized. One part of me that wants to try and live a normal life and be the person everyone expects me to be, and the other that wants to push free and break out and be the person that I want to be.

And that with that thought, I had the deepest revelation about my life that I had ever experienced. I began to look back at my life and the things that I had done to this point. I saw that I had never really been true to myself. I realized that I had lived my whole life in an attempt to please other people. I did the things my parents wanted and expected of me to please them. At school I had always tried to do what it took to fit in. I failed at it miserably but every decision I made about what I did was always based on what I thought other people would think. I had never made any choice without first considering what, God, my parents, my siblings, or my classmates would think. I realized that I had never considered what *I* really wanted.

I suppose that considering what Gd would think is important still, but what about the rest of them? Could I really be considered living my own life if I was living for other people? I need to really think for the first time in my life and consider what I want. I would never enjoy my life if I always live it in fear of other people's opinions, or in an attempt to live up to their expectations.

My mind was racing and I couldn't sit still on the edge of my bed. For the first time in a long time I was really excited about something. I began to pace around the room considering different things. Every now and then I would stop suddenly as another deep thought came to mind and then I would start moving again in another direction. I felt so excited and so happy with this new feeling of freedom that I was sure the smile on my face went from ear to ear. And I felt lighter too, like I had just dumped a load of baggage off my back.

Finally I sat on the edge of the bed again and tried to calm myself. That's when another feeling hit me. That's when I was filled with a kind of emptiness. I realized that these expectations and the opinions of others had been the driving force in my life for a long time. I realized that I had no real desires or direction of my own. Or at least if I did, I didn't know what they were. I was really going to have to spend a lot of time thinking about all of this. What was it that I wanted from life? Who was the person that I wanted to be? This was something that I was going to have to discover and decide for myself.

So now I resolved to have a new purpose in my life. For the first time I was going to live for my own happiness and not for what other people wanted me to be. I hoped that this would be a resolution that I could keep. After following my old habits for so long I was under no illusion that things were going to change quickly and easily.

I decided that the best place to start was to continue wearing these panties. It was the first real desire of my own that I knew was truly inspired of myself. I wasn't sure where it came from exactly and why I was feeling this way, but I realized that it would eventually lead me to discover more about myself and who I wanted to be. I felt at that moment I was taking a monumental step in defining who I was. Or at the very least discovering who I am.

I knew that most people at some point in their life had to take these journeys of self discovery at some point. I had always assumed that this was something that I would do in a few years when I began to think about what I wanted to be in the future and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Now I realized for me that what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to be in the future mattered quite a bit less than figuring out who I wanted to be in the future. There are more elements of discovering yourself than I had ever imagined.

I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by my epiphany and knew that I had a big task ahead of me. There was so much more to life than I had ever considered, the events of the past week had taught me that.

I got dressed and went down to the kitchen for breakfast. My mom turned to look at me as I came into the room. “Good morning Mom.” I smiled and gave her a big hug.

“Good morning Dan, you're in an awfully good mood today.” She commented as she turned back to the pancakes she was making.

“I sure am! I had a great sleep last night, and it's a beautiful day.” I grinned as I went to the cupboard and began to set the table for breakfast.

“Wow happy and helpful! I should start sending you to bed earlier so that you always come down like this.” Mom joked.

I laughed, “If you did that I might not be so happy when I wake up even with a good sleep. I wouldn't like going to bed early.” Then I paused dramatically and suggested “You could try let me sleep in later, it would put me in a better mood.”

Mom laughed, “Sleeping in late or going to bed early, what's the difference? Both gets you the same amount of sleep.”

“Mom!” I said in pretend shock, “The difference is how it feels to me! One feels like a punishment the other feels like a gift!”

My smiled, “Oh I see. It's a good thing I have you to give me advice on how to raise children. Where would I be without you.”

We both broke into giggles at that, it was such a good day. I felt like skipping as I brought things to the table. I really couldn't remember the last time I had felt this good. Mom watched me from the stove. “You know Dan, I've been a bit worried about you lately. You've seemed to be a bit depressed and troubled with something. I am glad to see you've snapped out of whatever has been bothering you.”

I blushed a little, mom noticed more than I credited her with! “Well I've been thinking a lot about things lately and I figured something out that makes me feel good.”

“Oh?” Mom raised an eyebrow, “Care to share what that is?”

I drew in a deep breath, “Well... I just learned that I can't live my life for other people. I need to do what I think is best for me and what makes me happy. I don't need to live according to everyone else's expectations.” I said in a rush.

Mom looked at me like she was studying me. I fidgeted while I waited for her to say something. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked finally.

“I'm trying to figure out when you suddenly grew up so much.” Mom smiled. Then a serious look came across her face, “I'm glad you've figured out you need to live for yourself and you own happiness. But don't forget that some of the things that are expected of you are for your own good.”

“I know mom. Don't worry, I'm not going to stop going to school or start doing drugs or rob a store or something.”

She laughed, “Ok maybe I am worrying to much. I know you're a good kid, you won't get yourself into trouble.” I smiled again and gave here another big hug. “I'm really proud of you Dan, dad is too. You're growing up into a good man.” I stiffened a little, “What is it?” Mom asked noticing my reaction.

“Mom, the pancakes!” I said thinking quickly. It worked, mom bought my excuse and spun back to face the stove.

“Well this one is ruined.” Mom frowned and scrapped it into the trash. “Go wake up Matt and your sisters, breakfast is about ready.”

I ran back upstairs and knocked on the bedroom doors and hurried back downstairs to sit at the table. I was quickly followed by Matt and the girls. Sunday morning was the one morning where mom always cooked a big breakfast and so no one stayed in bed late.

As usual the pancakes were great. I was feeling pretty hungry that day and finished off three large servings. My mom watched me and gave me a big smile. I hadn't been eating much lately and I knew she was happy to see that my appetite was back along with my good mood.

When we were all done eating and had cleared the table mom said, “Alright everyone, upstairs and ready for church. I want you back down here in 20 minutes and ready to go.”

I ran upstairs and quickly got ready for church. I actually really enjoyed church and was looking forward to going. I always loved signing and I enjoyed talking to God. Our pastor was a really good speaker and I usually enjoyed his sermons. When I was younger I would always struggle to stay awake and my mother or father would continuously poke me in the side every time after I started to drift off. I always tried to pay very careful attention because I knew at the end of the service my father would ask us questions about the sermon. If we couldn't answer them then we had to sit and read the Bible passage from the service until we had it memorized and could recite it word for word.

That was before my father traveled for business so much. Now that he is rarely home we don't have to worry about that punishment but at least for me the habit of listening to the pastor has been ingrained. I guess it's not a bad thing, but at least my younger sisters were spared the torture of being locked in the family room with a Bible for hours on end. Not that dad would ever do that to Suzie... she seems to get everything she wants from him. A benefit of being the youngest I guess.

I sometimes think that mom and dad spoil her so much because there is such an age gap between her and the rest of us. Robin is a year and a half younger than me, and then there is 7 years between her and Suzie.

Mom always said that she wanted to have four kids. Once I heard one of mom's friend ask if she was an accident, my mom had looked at her sternly and said “I'd never call any of my children an accident. She's my bonus baby.” Since that day that is what mom has always said when talking about the size of her family and how many kids she wanted. I always thought it was a great display of mom's personality.

I pulled out a clean pair of dress pants and a collared shirt to wear to Church. I undressed quickly and then hesitated. I wasn't sure if I should change out of my panties or not. My panties I thought. I guess I do think of them as mine now.

I wanted to wear my panties to church but a part of me felt that wearing them in God's house would be a sin. I mean there was that verse that spoke about God hating such things. I really didn't want to test God's anger by sinning in a Church. I stood there hesitating not sure what to do. I looked in the mirror at the smooth front of the panties. I had taken to tucking my bits every time I wore the panties, and looking at it now I was struck again by how right that looked and felt to me. I decided to keep the panties on.

I dressed quickly and went downstairs. Mom took one look at me, “Stop Dan. Go back up and brush your hair. You're not walking into church like that.”

I blushed and quickly ran back up stairs into the bathroom. Elayne was inside doing her makeup and Robin was brushing her hair. I squeezed in between them and grabbed a brush and began trying to make my hair look presentable. For as long as I could remember my hair would never cooperate with me. No matter how much I brushed and tried to straighten it, within a couple hours it would be just as messy as ever. The only thing that ever seemed to work was a lot of hair spray or gel. I could usually only get it to cooperate for a couple hours that way but it was better than nothing.

Elayne glared at me as I grabbed the hairspray can. “Oh no,” she said, “Not in here. You use way to much of that stuff and I don't want it spraying all over me. Go do it in your room.”

I took the can to my room and sprayed in sprayed until I was satisfied that my hair wouldn't move. It looked like it was rock hard. When I brought it back to the bathroom Elayne sighed. “Dan, you really need to take care of your hair better. All that spray isn't good for it.”

“Well it's the only thing that works.” I complained.

Elayne's voice took on a lecturing tone. “Of course it is! That's because you let your hair go wild all the time. If you'd just brush it everyday and spent sometime on it every night and morning you might be able to teach it some good habits.”

“That's what I have to do.” Robin agreed. “Mom won't let me go to bed until I've brushed my hair first.”

“Maybe we should do the same thing for Dan.” Elayne smirked. “He can learn what it's like for girls for a bit.”

I rolled my eyes at Elayne and went back downstairs to the kitchen while she and Robin continued to get ready. I thought about what she said and decided that I would follow her advice. I did actually want more control over my hair, and I didn't want to admit it to her but the idea of doing things girls usually did really appealed to me. I just didn't want to let her know that. I knew she would have thought it strange if I hadn't reacted to her comments.

When everyone was finally ready we piled into the car and drove into town to the church we had been attending for as long as I could remember. The pastor greeted us warmly at the door as we came in. As I shook his hand I was expecting him to stop and denounce me as a sinner.

“Good morning Dan. God Bless you today.” he said instead.

“Good morning Pastor Joshua. God Bless you.” I responded and entered the church.

As I walked with my towards our regular seats in the front, I kept waiting for something to happen. I was sure that lightning would strike me out of the sky, or I would be consumed in a pillar of fire, or the ground would open up and swallow me. Maybe I would turn into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife. I began to wonder what it would be like to turn into a pillar of salt in the middle of the church. I could just see it now... I would dissolve into a pile of salt, clothes and all right in the middle of the isle. All that would be left was the pair of white panties to show everyone why God struck me down and to warn them not to do the same. All the children would probably ask why that boy was wearing girls undies, and their parents would tell them it was because I was evil. My mother would be incredibly embarrassed and might never set foot in the church again. They probably be viewed as outcasts, the family that had the evil crossdressing son.

I made it to my seat without any spontaneous saltification. I think I just invented a new word... Anyways I didn't turn into a pile of salt or start on fire or get struck down in any other way. No one denounced me and everything seemed like a normal Sunday.

I went through the entire service waiting for the shoe to drop. Nothing happened. As I left the church I looked up at the sky sure something was about to happen to me. I got into the car and on the drive home I kept waiting for someone to hit us and for me to be the only casualty.

When we made it home again without incident and the rest of the day seemed to go normally I was mystified. I decided that God must have accepted my decision to explore who and what I really am. If God didn't strike me down than perhaps I was doing nothing wrong. As I climbed into bed that night I concluded that I must not have angered God after all. Or that at the very least He was going to let me work through this myself. Either way I felt better about it all.