Daniel is just your ordinary average teenage boy. Or is he? What started out as an ordinary summer day quickly becomes a journey of self discovery and change.
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Dinner that night was no different than usual. As we all sat down to eat everyone began to talk about their day. My older brother had been working all day at the gas station so he began talking about some of the costumers that had come in that day. We live in a large farmhouse not too far from the American Canadian border, and as a result he sometimes sees some strange things at work.

“So this car pulls into the station and has skis strapped to the roof. The driver comes inside and asks me how far away the snow and mountains are.”

“Snow and mountains? It's the middle of summer! You would think he'd expect to see mountains if there are any nearby.” Elayne said.

“I know! Obviously he doesn't know anything about Canada, and just thought it's winter all year long.” Matt laughed. “Anyways I decided it would be great to have some fun with him. I told him that if he drove another hour north, the snow would be about 3 feet deep and the mountains would be another hour past that.”

“He didn't believe it!” Elayne exclaimed.

“Well he seemed to, he thanked me for my help and continued the way he was going.”

Elayne and Matt erupted into a fit of laughter. Normally I would have joined in, but tonight I wan't paying much attention to Matt's story.

“Matt! You know I hate it when you play with people like that. I wish you would stop. What would your boss think?” My mother frowned at him.

“He'd probably laugh as hard as I was! He's the one that showed me how much fun it could be in the first place.”

“Well just because he does it, it doesn't make it right. One of these days you're going to make fun of the wrong person and they'll come back and shoot you. You know most Americans have guns.”

At the mention of guns my younger sister Suzie burst into tears and started wailing.

“Oh honey! I'm sorry, nobody is going to shoot Matt!” My mom grabbed Suzie into a big hug and started to comfort her.

“Is she still worked up by all that?” Matt asked.

“Yes, she still hasn't gotten over it.” My mom answered. “I'm a little concerned that she might have permanent trauma from it.”

This time I did smile a little as I had snapped out of my thoughts when Suzie started crying. This past school year Matt had tried out for a school play and got a part. The whole family had gone to see it and Matt hadn't told us much of anything about it before hand except that it was a Western. We had all been enjoying the play and had made sure to point out Matt to Suzie every time he came on stage. Everything was going fine until Matt's character was killed in a gunfight. Suzie started bawling and screaming and it had taken us 10 minutes to calm her down and convince her he wasn't really dead. It helped a lot when he came back on stage as another character.

At the end of the play Matt quickly came to find us and we all joked how he should win an award for the most convincing death scene. Matt smiled and commented that many of the other actors were impressed that he made a kid cry. At least until they found out it was his little sister.

He went over to Suzie and said “Hi.”

“Hi, you're dead.”

“No, I'm alive, it's just pretend.”

“Unh-unh you're dead I saw them kill you. You're a ghost now.” Suzie giggled.

We had all thought that would be the end of it but then the nightmares started. Since then we weren't allowed to have anything that remotely looked like a gun in the house.

I had thought that with all that had already happened I'd get through the meal without talking at all when my sister Robin commented, “We watched a talk show today that was really weird. It had guys that wanted to dress like girls on it.”

Elayne winced and quickly tried to kick Robin under the table, but it was too late.

My mom had managed to calm Suzie down and now turned her attention completely to Robin. “Oh really? Why were you watching that?”

Robin hesitated, she could tell my mother was angry about what she had said but was unsure why. She decided to do what she did best. “Well Elayne and Daniel were watching it. I wanted to watch cartoons, but they wouldn't let me.”

It worked. My mother than turned to Elayne and I. “Why were you two watching that show? You know how much I hate you watching that kind of trash. Especially when it shows such disgusting behavior.”

I stared down at my plate, Its amazing how interesting something like mashed potatoes becomes when you don't want to talk.

“Elayne?”

Elayne let out a deep sigh. “I'm sorry mom, it was on when I turned on the TV and it just seemed so unbelievable. I didn't know they could do things like that. I won't do it again.”

“Make sure that you don't. You're the oldest at home, and that means I expect you to be the responsible one. You shouldn't be poisoning your mind or your brothers and sister's minds with trash like that. They are showing something so sinful. God hates the kind of people on those shows.”

Whew, it seemed like studying my potatoes did the trick. Elayne got in trouble because she was in charge. I thought about what my mother had said. God hates those kind of people? I wondered about that. I wanted to ask how she knows what God does and doesn't hate. I decided that I should check my Bible after dinner and see if there was anything in there.

After dinner was done, we quickly cleaned the dishes and the kitchen. Most of the family went to watch TV together and I went up to my room and pulled my Bible off my bookcase. Hmmm, let me see... Deuteronomy would probably be the place to look, it sounds like it would be something in the book of law. I flipped through the pages and after a bit of searching I found nothing.

There must be a faster way to find it than this. Ah the concordance, of course I should have thought of that sooner. I'll just look under clothes and see if I can find something. Here it is! Deuteronomy 22:5. No wonder it was taking me so long to find it before, it's near the end. I flipped to the verse.

“5 A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.”

Hmmm, it seemed that my mother was right after all. God does hate men that wear women's clothes. I guess that means that I ought to pray for forgiveness and put those panties on the bench. I lifted up the corner of the mattress and pulled out the panties. Kneeling on the floor by the bed I began to pray.

“Dear God, I come before you today a sinner. Lord Jesus I am sorry that I broke your commandments and that I sinned. I didn't realize what I was doing something wrong in your eyes. Father God I pray that you will forgive me for what I have done.”

I stood up after finishing the prayer and picked up the panties. I intended to bring them out and put them on the bench. I wanted to put them on the bench. I didn't want God mad at me. I've always tried hard to follow what the Bible tells me and what my parents told me. I was a good person.

Wasn't I? I couldn't make myself take the panties out of the room. I realized that I really wanted to put them on again. I was surprised at how much I wanted to do this. It seemed like this piece of cloth had taken a hold of me and I couldn't let it go. How could something like this affect me so deeply?

I stood there for a couple more minutes looking down at the panties in my hands. Resisting the urge to put them on I quickly slide them back under the mattress. I flopped down on the bed and buried my face in the pillow.

What is wrong with me?? I wanted to do the right thing, but I just couldn't do it! At least I had resisted the urge to wear them again. That was a start wasn't it? I wondered if God hated me for even wanting to put them on and not getting rid of them like I should. Was I going to go to hell?

I lay there for what felt like eternity trying to sort through the feelings and thoughts going through me. In all my life I have never felt this way about anything before. I had never felt such a compulsion or a need to do something I knew was so wrong.

A small voice in the back of my mind began to speak to me. Is it wrong though? Are you sure? Perhaps it isn't.

I got up and went downstairs to join my family watching TV. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts and that was as good a way as any. The only thing that I knew for sure was that I was really very confused.

When I got into the living room my mom looked up at me. “Where have you been?”

“I was in my room reading my Bible and praying.”

My mom smiled. “You sure spend a lot of time doing that.”

“Yeah I guess I do. I like reading my Bible.”

“You're going to make a great pastor some day.” She looked quite happy about that.

I took a seat on the couch and tried to get into watching the show with them. I'll make a great pastor someday alright, I thought, a pastor that wants to wear women's clothes and that God hates. I am so sure that would go over so well.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet, but I knew that as long as I had this issue to deal with, becoming a pastor was probably out. Today just feels like a day of doors slamming closed, and I am caught in the middle and don't know where to go.

I watched TV with my family until it was time for bed. As I was heading up the stairs I suddenly stopped. “Mom, when is dad going to be home next?” I called out.

“He should be home next week Saturday.” My mom said loudly from the living room.

“Not this Saturday?”

“No, the next one.”

I went back to the living room and stood in the doorway. “How long will he be home for?”

“He's flying in Saturday night, and flying out again Monday morning, so we'll have him home for Sunday.”

“Ok”

“Now go to bed, it's getting late.”

“Yes mom.”

I ran up the stairs to my room and into my room. I stripped of my clothes and picked up my PJs. Then I stopped, stripped off my underwear, pulled out the panties from under the mattress and put them on. Once again I was thrilled by the feeling of the silk on my skin. I stopped and looked into the mirror. It just didn't look right. On impulse I reached into the panties and tucked my bits beneath. It was to my surprise more comfortable than I expected, and it looked much better. I admired myself in the mirror for a couple minute, then I put on my PJs and crawled into bed.

I wondered briefly what my father would think if he knew what I was doing right now. He'd probably hate me as much as God does right now. Once again a wave of guilt and shame washed over me for doing something that was so clearly wrong. I was tempted to jump out of bed and change and again beg for forgiveness.

Instead I stayed in bed until the feeling passed. I didn't know what was wrong with me or why I was doing this, but it sure felt right. I prayed a quick little prayer.

“Dear God, I know what your word says, and I know how it declares what I am doing as wrong. Father God, if it is a sin I am sorry and I ask that you free me of these feelings. But Lord, what I am doing somehow feels so right and I can't believe that something that tugs at my heart like this so strongly can be so wrong. Father God I ask that you will help me do what is right. Amen.”

I finished the prayer and closed my eyes to sleep. The last thought I remember thinking before drifting off was that I guess that I am going to hell.