Snow Morels

Note to readers, don't read if you don't like poor grammar, this is rough.
This is a work of adult fiction. No resemblance to reality should be inferred or expected.
Copyright… are you kidding?

I was fourteen and puberty was actually kicking in. I was changing even more than I’d changed already. I was getting to be more and more like my dad. Under some other circumstances it might be not so bad. Dad ran away three years ago leaving us, mom, me and sis, who is two years younger than I am. There was no divorce and he just left us with an unpaid mortgage loan. There was no hope for everything to be resolved properly ‘cause he was shot by police a few months later during a street incident with involving drugs in Chicago. So here I was now a younger copy of the man who left his family in a tight squeeze.

Mom was a nurse or rather assistant to Dr. Z. Wilmer while Gramp, from dad’s side, was helping a little. Mom was working on the side at a retirement home and we were still short on money. Sis and I were doing everything at home and I mean everything like tidying, washing, cooking, mowing, repairing and even some gardening in the backyard. A little about us:Mom - Veronica Grant, usually she’s called Ronnie thirty seven, a Registered Nurse; sis - Elizabeth or Lisa, twelve; me - Roger or Roo, fourteen. I was already five feet nine and one hundred twenty pounds. I hoped to gain more weight over the summer. It was already agreed that I would work in Milewski’s storehouse in the summer so I would actually be paid to workout. We agreed and it was my intention that checks would be in my mom’s name. We were planning to spend my summer money to change our house’s electric heating to propane or heating oil. Electricity is modern and comfortable but it is very expensive with all the heating, washing, showering and bathing.

It was Saturday, a beautiful sunny day of spring break. I had all my chores finished so I headed my bike into the woods. I had no plans and there was no special place I was heading. The road was getting narrower and then it changed from tarmac to road-metal and later to a ground path. I had been riding for almost three hours already and reached a beautiful clearing in mixed pine and white birch wood. The clearing was really pretty, it was like a room framed by pines and birches from three sides and by some bushes at the Northern side of it.

There was a six trunk birch at the further end and beside the tree was a wellspring almost six feet wide with a spring nearer the birch. I leaned to drink from the spring and noticed something sparkling under the water. Apparently it was a glass bottle and it was broken. Sharp glass could be fatal trap for deer or any other animal so I carefully took the glass away.  Unfortunately, the bottom of the bottle was in the mud and it cut not only my palm but my wrist too. I was about to wash my wounds in the spring but the water in it was all muddy now so I simply wiped the cuts with my left hand and allowed some blood to flow to prevent lockjaw or some other infection. I sat on the stump near the spring and simply waited.

I could have stayed at home with my mom and sis. It probably would have been the best thing to do. I wasn’t seeing mom as often as I was a year ago.  Anyway, after my puberty kicked in and I started to look like my dad, mom and sis started to avoid me. We used to be like a team before. We were “we” then and it seemed like we had become “we and him”. I was not the part of the “we” anymore. And there was no hope for it to get better. “If only I could turn into a girl, then our family would be as one again,” I said to myself.

I found some yarrow among the trees and used it to cover my wounds and then fastened it with a handkerchief. Actually, I was looking for nettles as the very first edible herb of spring. Now, if I even found it, I couldn’t cut it with one hand and my left hand at that. Uh-uh!  I had to stay here for an hour or so and wait for pain to subside and for yarrow to do its job before I could ride home. I was pacing the clearing and thoughts about mom, sis and me kept coming back again and again. Then I turned to the pines and behind them there was another sandy clearing with a little grass and a lot of snow morels. I was sure it was a little too early for them. Maybe some couple of weeks later the real morel season will start. Anyway, there were those mushrooms and I wasn’t about to complain. I picked them with no effort like little stones from the ground and I had my plastic bag full in almost a minute or so.*

We had enough mushrooms for Sunday’s dinner and it was a great dinner like years ago. Mom had no shift at Doctor’s office and only a three-hour shift at the retirement home so she was home early. Sis and I made baked snow morels with cream sauce and it was delicious. After the dinner we were watching some really old movies on DVD and, in general, the night was as good as those old days when I was still one of us.

I was very different from the boy that I was a year ago. My face was blotchy and facial hair was starting to grow. I needed to shave twice a week already. My voice was rasping. My limbs were thin and long while my joints were knotted and I looked like an arthropod. I’m sure that I could be on the basketball team, but I was a freshman so the coach was showing some interest but he was mostly waiting for me to develop. I had become sort of ugly and I needed to get used to new me. The same me that my mom and sis were seeing but they were not seeing me but rather my dad when they looked at me.

Now I have to say that I wasn’t all that bad. I was tall and I could dust off the upper shelves and top of the fridge without stepping on the chair or the ladder. I could not only reach to dust it off, but I could see what was laying there too. I was nine inches taller than Lisa or mom. I was now stronger than I was a year ago so I could do all those pick-ups, furniture moving and home repair jobs.

The beginning of the next week passed uneventfully. It was still spring break and I didn’t have anything special to do. I was pretty much a loner so I was spending those days at home reading books or cycling round the town and the general area. It was Thursday morning when my mom made a special request, “Roo, if you remember the place where you found those mushrooms maybe you could go there again and get some more.”

“Yeah… They were delicious,” I said.

“Not only was that,” mom said, “Monday was first day of my period. Usually, there are awful cramps for two or three days while this time it went smooth and painless. The only difference from all other times was your morels and I thought maybe…”

“No prob mom,” I replied, “I guess I remember that place. It’s beautiful and I think we need to go there together some day.”

I was always happy when what I was doing was good and helping. I rode away after mom left for work. Lisa was hanging out with her friends again so I didn’t need to babysit her.

This time, I didn’t need three hours to get to the wonderful clearing. I was there before noon. The sun was high, birds were chirping and butterflies were turning round first flowers. I’d prepared better for my trip this time - I had some plastic bags for litter I’d seen previously but couldn’t take with me. Today I could make this place clean and I filled two big garbage bags with waste plastic bottles, plastic bags, cardboard boxes, even nappies and panty liners, cans and disposable tableware. Then I fastened those garbage bags to my bike with duct tape.

After the clearing was tidy and clean, I searched around the pine trees looking for snow morels. This time there was a lot more of them; much more than a few days ago. I quickly had two plastic bags full of them and then I filled even my backpack. If these snow morels were so good for mom’s period cramps, maybe they would be good for Lisa too. I wasn’t sure if Lisa had already had her period start. If not yet it would be very soon. Mushrooms were good prepared the next day so maybe they would be good after they were dried too.

When I got home, I washed the mushrooms and then soaked them in water for three hours. I used all the bowls and bigger pots. Later, I let the water drain, put them on paper towels, and I spread almost all of them on shelves to dry.

I was sure my growth spurt and puberty kick in was over, though there were some changes I was still ongoing. The most incredible change was that my testosterone level somehow normalized and I could now talk to a girl and not peer at her cleavage or legs while looking in her eyes. It was awesome. I was no more excited by the amount of bare skin on girls’ bodies while I was paying more and more attention to what they wore and what they were. I could now admire the image they presented as well as all details that image was built of.

My body had changed too. My voice changed back, not that exactly back into a boyish soprano, but rather an alto. My face skin became softer and I had no more an acne as of the middle of the May. There was some flesh that grew on my bones. Hard muscles were more preferable while the soft filling was good as a temporary solution. A couple of weeks later, I started my job in Milewski’s store and I was sure my flesh would soon turn into muscles. Alas!  Maybe some special exercises were needed or maybe my diet wasn’t right but I’d got a bit more of this soft flesh instead of an athletic body or maybe the time hadn’t come yet.

I started working at Milewski’s immediately after school ended. My job was to put newly arrived hardware and tools in the appropriate place on the shelf. I wasn’t too much busy so I started cleaning the shelves and boxes on them first, later I started wash the floor after I’d finished the “shelf” job.  For my entire cleaning job, Mr. Milewski paid me fifty dollars in cash every week besides the paycheck. Mom said I could keep it for myself. Money sure is the thing that you can’t have too much of. Anyway I didn’t need it a lot. Maybe I needed some of it for various sundries. Part of it I was giving to Lisa. She was too young to work but as a girl, she needed a lot of it.

Meanwhile, there was a new family in the neighborhood with two girls. Abby was a year older than me and Trish was the same age as Lisa. Lisa was spending a lot of time with new girls as well as with her friends from school. I didn’t mind. She was twelve and I wanted her to have a carefree summer.

I was at home between three and four after work and the rest of the day I was spending making food and, when weather was warm and the sun was shining, I spent a lot of time in our backyard or rather in a small garden where we had few beds with various veggies while Lisa was tidying up the house. One day I was weeding and thinning carrots while straddling the bed and bent over. Lisa came home with some of her friends and both neighbor girls.

“Invite your sis to join us,” Abby said.

“But…” Lisa started to say something but trailed off.

I was stunned and confused. I didn’t know what was going on. I wanted to join them but was afraid of a misunderstanding. I wanted to meet new friends but I needed to finish my job in the kitchen-garden. When I’d finished the girls all were gone.

“What about that ‘sis’ business?” I asked Lisa, “why didn’t you correct Abby?”

“Have you seen yourself in the mirror recently?” she asked instead.

I was about to say ‘yes’ while then I thought to myself that I didn’t remember when I had last looked at myself in the mirror. I usually combed my hair in my room, then again I didn’t feel the stub on my face so I didn’t shave. Actually, I didn’t need a mirror because most things I did on autopilot. Thus my answer was “No, I haven’t.”  But again it was me who needed the answer.

“So what’s wrong with me?”

“You have breasts…” Lisa said hesitantly.

“These aren’t breasts, those are MUSCLES!” I said as I gestured to my chest.

“Muscles are square and yours are round like other girls,” Lisa replied calmly. “Your waist is slim and hips wide, no hair on your face and legs anymore, even your voice is like it was two years ago.”

I started to touch myself trying to feel the traits Lisa had named. There was nothing special, the same as every day so I couldn’t feel the difference.

“You are shorter…” Lisa said before she trailed off.

“No way, it’s impossible,” I said and turned to face the fridge and… I couldn’t see what was on it’s top, even after I’d stood on tiptoes.

“Honey, tell me sincerely - are you taking something, anything?” Mom asked.

“No mom, honestly, I’m not,” I replied. “Why do you think I have to take something?”

“Because you have developed an obviously feminine shape,” she said. “What about your boy parts?  I’m sorry for the question, but you know, I have to ask.”

“I don’t know. Actually I’m not sure,” I told her.

“Roo, listen to me, it’s serious. A healthy boy feels his parts more than once a day. You have to feel something.”

“Recently, those parts don’t bother me. As in the morning… How to say it correctly…”

“Morning erection,” Mom suggested.

“Yeah… I have no such thing in the morning and when I talk or look at the pretty girl there is no more of it either as it has been making me to feel so stupid and perverted and out of the place kind of.”

“You are saying you have no erections at all?” Mom asked.

“Kind of that,” I replied, “and it’s ok with me.”

“You have to touch your parts every time you go to pee, don’t you?”

“It got so that I’d noticed almost a year ago that I was splashing around when peeing, so now I simply sit down and then wipe off and while my balls, sorry testicles, had popped inside…”

 “Stop!” Mom interrupted me, “testicles can’t get inside unaided. When and how did it happen?”

“It was almost a week after we’d eaten the snow morels. I thought it was a part of the magic I’d asked for the same as my… uh… err… erections gone. Since it wasn’t a sort of ‘Puff’ magic, I thought there was nothing to it and I was getting more adult and mature and like those snow morels have helped you the same way they’ve helped all those things getting better with my body like muscle growth while Lisa says these are breasts but, anyway, I haven’t thought this way while all other things just were more comfortable than previously so…”

“Stop, please stop,” Mom asked. “What magic? What have you asked for?”

“Like a year ago, after puberty kicked in, and I became so manly and was like dad I felt like I wasn’t part of ‘we’ I mean us and then I found that wonderful clearing in the wood and while I was waiting for my blood to stop dripping after I’d cut my wrist with a bottle because water in the wellspring got muddy after I’d picked that broken bottle up and I’d waited for blood to drip to not get an infection and I said to myself that I’d rather be a girl while then I still was a part of ‘we’ and stay at home and chat with you. There was no ‘Puff’ so I was sure that all changes were kind of me developing with a help of those snow morels what helped you too and I was… err… like maturing.” I was practically out of breath from my sudden rush of words.

Mom looked at me sadly, “Do you think I love you less because you’re a boy?”

“No, no… Not exactly,” I said starting to sniffle, “it’s just I became like dad who had betrayed us and I sure couldn’t expect you and Lisa not to see it and want me for chats and hugs the same as before.”

“Oh honey, I love you no matter what,” Mom said embracing me in a bear hug, “and I always will.”

It felt so nice and good and warm and my eyes were watering ’cause I had become so emotional recently.

“I know Mom,” I assured her, “I just know that mommies prefer girls while daddies prefer boys and I always wanted to be closer to you and those changes… I’m ok with them. Really, no matter what, I feel better and my body isn’t embarrassing me and it doesn’t make me feel stupid or perv anymore.”

“Back to your case,” Mom said, “what about your parts that hadn’t popped in? I need this to know while I want you to go with me to Dr. Wilmer tomorrow and he will ask the same things.”

“I have to check,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”

While I was in the bathroom, I pulled my shorts and trunks down and stared at what had to be my penis. Not that it was gone or smaller while it was thick as before but it was much shorter and actually only it’s head was still outside. I reported my findings to mom and she just nodded.

Mom made all the necessary calls to the doctor and to Mr. Milewski who said that I’d done a job that was planned for two months in three weeks so there will be no problem for me to come tomorrow a couple of hours later. The doctor asked us to come an hour before opening his office to avoid interrupting other appointments.

The next day, Dr. Wilmer examined me thoroughly while mom took my blood and urine samples. A couple of days later, mom brought me to the hospital where I had appointment for a MRI and, afterwards, another doctor was measuring and examining me.

The next week, we went to the same hospital again together with Dr. Wilmer. There we waited in a conference room for another doctor to arrive. Actually, there were two of them, one that carried the results of the MRI, Dr. Timothy Ford, and another who examined me afterwards, Dr. Al Silvestre.

“If there were no birth certificate and no notes made by Dr. Wilmer about Roger’s successful puberty,” Dr. Ford started, “I’d say that the subject, sorry Roger, is a healthy teenage girl with no signs of masculinity. According to my investigation, Roger’s puberty is relatively a little late while her, sorry his, first period should start after six to eight weeks, but it still is normal for a girl.

“My investigation also shows the teenage girl with well-expressed external reproductive organs. What Roger indicates as his residual penis actually is a clitoris. It’s bigger than average while it’s still normal,” said Dr. Silvestre. “Anyway, we have extracts from Dr. Wilmer notes and even pictures showing Roger as a healthy teenager boy no more than four months ago and a birth certificate stating Roger Lionel Grant is a male. Birth certificate has to match the real gender.

“What we can do about all of this?  First, we can call current state as pathology and using surgery and hormones we’ll try restore Roger to a male gender.” Dr. Silvestre made a short pause. “We can accept current gender but we need a proof to change the birth certificate. I’d not found any similar case of real and complete sex change so it would be the first case in scientific history. If we go this way, we will sacrifice Roger on the altar of science. There will be no privacy for a couple of years and at the end of it all, everyone in this room will be denounced as liars and cheaters.”

I felt tears coming. My situation was a total stalemate.

“There is a third way too,” Dr. Silvestre said, “while we need to know Roger’s wish first. No matter what, this decision will be final.”

“What do you think honey?” Mom asked.

“I’d like to keep my current gender.”

“So do you want to be a boy?” Dr. Wilmer asked.

“NOOO!” I burst into tears. “No, please! I want be a girl.”

“Are you sure, Roo?” Mom asked.

“Yes, I am Mommy, please!”

“OK then,” Dr. Silvestre continued. “But we’ll need your assistance Dr. Wilmer. We need your notes regarding Roger’s male puberty to be lost or corrupted by virus attack or something similar. Then we could state that Roger’s birth gender was determined by the presence of the penis what actually isn’t a strong evidence of masculinity especially without it’s detailed examination. So the gender by birth certificate could be claimed erroneous and the new birth certificate could be requested.”

“Mrs. Grant, what name have you called Roger?” Dr. Ford asked.

“Roo. My youngest was calling him Roo since Roger was too complicated for her.”

“By the way, have you thought about your new name Ms. Grant?” Dr. Wilmer asked turning to me.

“Not yet,” I was surprised while pleased at the same time with him calling me ‘Ms. Grant’.

“Roo sounds like Ruth,” Dr. Ford said.

“I have no preferences,” I said, “Ruth is ok.”

“I want to keep your initials intact,” Mom said, “so maybe Ruth Lynn Grant?”

“Yes! I like it,” I replied.

Another month passed till I got the new birth certificate. The same day my first period started. That wasn’t a pleasure though it wasn’t such a nightmare as seeing my dad in the mirror or feeling my boy parts getting hard when talking with a girl.

Being a girl, I wasn’t afraid at least to talk to other girls and gradually I made friends with our neighbors Abby and Trish. Abby and I were about to attend the same high school in the neighboring town while Lisa and Trish will go to the same junior high.

My appearance had obviously changed. I was shorter by no less than six inches while I was still taller than Lisa and Mom. My waist was thinner while my hips and chest or rather breasts were wider. My shoe size dropped too from men’s eleven to women’s eight. I needed an all new wardrobe evidently. While I couldn’t afford all those girly frills and laces and variety like Lisa, I made decision to be a tomboy. I’d checked prices and found that for my basic underwear, some new shoes, jeans, tops and coat I would spend all that money Mr. Milewski had given me above my paycheck. This didn’t mean I didn’t want be girly girl like my sis or other girls, I simply couldn’t afford to be one.

“It’s tedium to have a tomboy sister,” Lisa said, “almost the same as having a bro.”

“I’d want to be like you, but who will pay for it?” I quipped.

“You are so annoying sometimes Roo…”

Well, I was boring for her while for me everything was a new world. Even being a tomboy was much better than being a boy. There were no external restrictions, only availability of the funds. I wasn’t sure I’d be a desirable employee for Mr. Milewski next summer but I was pretty sure I’d be able to come to his store for everyday cleaning for the same fifty dollars a week. My allowance was a half of it so if I take the lunch I made at home to school then I could put aside almost three hundred dollars every month. It would be enough for something new both for Lisa and me from time to time. There will come a day when I’ll be able to buy a dress for myself, and that’s not ‘maybe’, that’s for real!

My thanks to Monica Rose for proofreading and translation into English and Jessica C for helpful suggestions.

* The Place was a clearing (Venus [only clearing and not lawn or meadow]) in mixed white birch (Chiron [key to harmony and Venus’ co-ruler] – the birch is the only which represents exclusively Chiron’s energy) and pine (a mix of Uranus [enlightenment] and Mars [protection] energies) wood. The clearing was framed by pines and birches from three sides and by some bushes at the Northern (Moon [ancestry]) side of it.
There was a six (Venus [six is Venus’ number like the sixth day in the week the Friday]) trunk birch (Chiron) at the further end (“7” of Pythagorean 3 by 3 square - mission – Saturn [seven is Saturn’s number like the seventh day in the week the Saturday]) and beside the tree was a wellspring (Moon [maternity]) almost six (Venus) feet wide with a spring nearer (the same “7” in another scale) the birch. The spring’s bottom was covered with layer of black mud (Venus [like mud bath for beauty]). The Place couldn’t have been built by man because its various parts were of different ages. It couldn’t have been built by elementals because of its intellectual meanings.
The blood was taken (and accepted) as sacrifice by soil (Venus). The clearing behind the trees with mushrooms[Pluto]. Pluto is always opposing Venus this way powering Venus' deeds.