Encrypted-22

Chapter 22

*Before…

I am wearing just a little bit of perfume and I have a decent amount of deodorant on and then only other sort of really allure I have is the two inch heeled shoes that I’m wearing and white-tope stockings under the pants but so that they can be sort of seen?

Part of me wants to ask why but part of me knows why allure is used and there’s some part of me that wants that confidence.

And after all my life of not feeling this secure and in control of me looking in the mirror I see and I feel like I am and that I can go out and do this without battling dread all the way.

Brandy actually joins me as she’s going to help me with all of the things I have yet to do with going to Kinkos and getting all of my presentation things done and she looks good too and she’s in a dress and we call our car and have another coffee before getting my shoulder bag that she takes and my computer case that I have and we take our purses and we head down to face this new day and this new challenge.

*And Now…

I will be ever more than grateful for Brandy as she helps and in a lot of ways too with more than taking care of me and helping me in all sorts of ways that I didn’t know would be helpful and that would actually be soothing.

Like getting not just the things that I wanted printed or helping me get them printed but she did little things like get really professional looking labels printed for each of the things that I had for the folders that have the hand outs in them.

I didn’t even think of labels but she did.

Then there’s the waiting and he sitting with me and talking and we’re going over her going in with me to just be there but to also be my assistant and to pass things out for me.

And she even asks me what order she’ll be passing them out in as I present things so she can have the people actually have the folders and hand-outs in hand as I go from section to section.

And she has gum.

She even has advice for gum… “Use a good strong mint with serious stuff it makes an impression cinnamon and fruity ones are too girly and fun and not serious. One piece so you’re not chewing on it and stop when you’re presenting or get rid of it so you don’t have an accident or chew on it out of habit.”

And of course before we go in she gives me a once over running her hands over my clothes to make sure that they’re straight and good looking and she looks me in the eyes.

“You can do this Maddy; you’re really good at this sort of thing.”

“Technical things yes but people I am not good with.”

“You’re good with me.”

“Honestly brandy it’s the other way around.”

“No, you treat me better than most ever have. There’s lots of character in that, people respond to good character.”

She holds my hand all the way into the presentation room and she says quietly. “I’d be kissing you good luck but I don’t want to mess up your lipstick.”

I smile at that and I’m honestly warmed by the thought of it too.

And then I’m in the meeting and there’s all these people that are waiting for my presentation and my analysis.

It is very hard.

And my social anxieties are really trying to win but there’s so many things that are in my favor now that are distracting me from all the things that make talking and explaining things without stuttering and stammering so hard.

My bra actually hugs me close, it’s binding feel actually seems to make me more aware of my breathing but in a good way. My make-up too, there’s this very positive way that it seems to feel like it’s shielding my face from all of the things and facial expressions that I’m not good with.

Having Asperger’s is very much like being given a human body and you’re really aware of things but you don’t really have the same instruction manual as to how to do the whole basic life things like everyone else. Behaviors and social cues are disturbingly confusing, it’s part emulation and a lot of cumulative wrong experiences that you just have to deal with along with a lot of things like how I process sensory information.

At least this way there’s a degree of facial cover that really and literally helps to mask my inevitable blunders.

Which thankfully aren’t many.

And the people here are far more interested in the technical aspects of things as to the particulars of the project and that’s reassuring.

There are two gentlemen who keep asking questions and they keep going over my work again and again until I step by step it and even literally go over the math with my laptop hooked to the projection screen unit.

And they still seem unhappy.

Brandy was a big help but she seems unhappy too?

I’m greeted by Mr. Stevenson who was the person here that was running this meeting on this end of things and he shakes my hand.

“You did very good work; this will save us in the long run.”

I nod and shake my hand and that’s another thing with being a woman is there’s room for me not having a clue as to how to give a proper handshake.

It’s always been one of those things with too many variables.

“The design had problems that would have come out in its implementation and likely while in the field it was what you wanted us to look for and to test for from our department. I am really happy though that at least you are happy.”

I’m looking at where the two other gentlemen had been sitting.

Mr. Stevenson looks embarrassed? He says. “I’m really sorry about those two.”

“Why, I know there was a lot of math especially when we were getting into the thickness versus structural integrity and pressure aspects.”

He looks at me like I did one of my things again.

“Uhm…no, they know the numbers and they knew the math they wanted to harass you.”

I’m confused. “Why, they don’t know me at all.”

“They’re the kind of guys it seems that don’t think that you know what you’re doing because you’re a woman.”

“Sex or gender has nothing to do with intelligence or applied intelligence or applied knowledge or experience…That’s kind of…really wrong.”

He nods. “Unfortunately it’s still an ongoing fight with men like them and with women in STEM fields.”

I nod. “They were being sexist then? I don’t pick up some social cues sometimes sorry.”

“Oh…Well no like I said it’s not your fault it their fault.”

I look at Brandy who is nodding though still looking mad and I’m pretty sure that this was what she was mad about since she seems less mad in general but still angered.

It’s actually nice; I mean it feels good that someone you are with actually gets mad for you.

I mean mad’s not nice but…but it’s nice having a defender.

I look to him and shake his hand one more time. “As long as there’s a note through you to your HR department then that will be fine with me. I’m actually very grateful for the opportunity and the chance to spend some time out here in Vancouver with my girlfriend.”

He looks at me and he blinks much like an owl and he looks at Brandy and blinks and then I can actually almost feel his brain process things and make the connection that we are together.

It’s not even me saying this figuratively, I can feel this close range almost hum or buzz of him processing things.

I really want to know what this is.

I want to find the Asian girl.

He has a grin on his face and he says. “I have a friend that works at The Tea House at Stanley Park and I can get you two a table as an apology. It’s nice and right by the water.”

I look at Brandy and she’s nodding and she looks actually happier now so I nod to him. “We would like that.”

We end up shaking hands again and he makes the call and gives our names and we have a table for two PM this afternoon and he’s even so kind as to tell us about what he’s had there as he walks us out and to our waiting car.

It is so worth it having a car service hired because not only do they know the city far better than I ever would or even Brandy but as soon as we’re off and going she’s leaned over my presentation things and she’s kissing me.

Soft and sweetly and that perfect wonderful sensation of lipstick on lipstick.