Why doesn't it feel like love?
I just had this exchange with my Son. I imagine that it is nothing new to some of you. How do you put an end to this?
Dear Dad,
When I left home to join the Navy, I thought I was getting out
from beneath authority so I could be my own boss.... "At last,
FREEDOM!!!", I thought. I didn't hate you, but I thought I could do
better on my own with my new friends in the world. I learned real
quick
that the World has nothing for me. It's funny how you and I have
switched places now. Now I'm the one praying and pleading for you to
come home. Please be careful with that city restoration group. When
you
first mentioned them I found some interesting tidbits. I have a
feeling
it'll be fun until the bottom comes out.
Love, Scott
On Fri, 30 May 2008 10:02:14 -0700 (PDT) Gwen Boucher
writes:
> Christy and I talked about my remorse...how tragic
> things were...and how the clock can not be turned
> back...she's accepted it all...dealing with
> it...moving on with life...
>
> I can't imagine what sort of sortid life you imagine
> that I live. I still love God and Jesus as his son,
> attend church, have only ever had sex with one person,
> do not steal, give freely of my gifts, love others.
> What do we not see eye to eye on?
>
> The streets are full of the work of the rest of my
> life. Are your assumtions about my life and my
> thougths wrong. I doubt that you will ever know.
>
> I love all of you, but will you ever feel and accept
> it?
>
> >
> > Dear Dad,
> >
> > Our Bible says that you shall know a
> > Christian by their love...
> > I don't hate you. I do love you and am pray about
> > you and our family
> > often, -even though we don't share the same view of
> > things at this point
> > in time. I do not claim to be any better or worse
> > than you in the eyes
> > of God. I am trusting in the view of His creation
> > found in His Word. He
> > is the Great God, and there are no others like Him.
> >
> > Love, Your Son, Scott
> >
> >> > PS 91:14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who
> > love me. I will protect
> > those who trust in my name
Comments
Scott's love
Dear Gwen,
I know you've been coming out of a very bad time for you. I can't remember what was the worst for you; emotional/mental pain, body ailments or other's mistreating you.
You know your son, so I'm sure you can imagine him saying the words of his emails; his tone of voice, the look on his face. I'm very sorry that you feel his words are killing you, if I understand you correctly. I however, don't understand. Except for his gender confusion, he sounds positive, he doesn't look down on you. It's not like he's cutting you out of his life. He wrote that he loved you, twice. I'm sure he ment you, like your soul, even if he did call you the wrong name.
You you think he's in denial? He doesn't believe that transsexuals exist and what people call a 'sex change' has actually given you official recognition that you are a womyn? All governments, businesses, people you deal with, all your friends know and know that you can prove that you are a womyn? That post op TSs can get married, adopt children and be mothers?
He called you dad. It hurt me when my teenaged daughters called me that (very rarely), but I could 'tell where they were comin' from' and tried not to flinch or act angry. ( When they were little, they decided they would call my ex, mom and me mommy. That lasted about a day until my ex heard about it. Like everything else, ex wanted everything for herself and wouldn't share that title. They were told to, and they did, call me Renee.) Sorry for the digression. Your son probably recalls the good times he had with you and with your intact family when you (thought you) were his dad.
I guess you love him. You could forgive him and try to shrug off the pain, but try to get him to understand that he's making a mistake. Wimyn are not dads. He now has two moms, but if that's too hard for him, he can call you Gwen. You could even get a little angry with him. Do some ranting. Is it this mistake in identification that you need to end?
I'm sure it's all difficult, but unless there are details (that maybe others can see, but I can't) that indicate otherwise, I can't see that this would make you die. (And I hope you are ruling out suicide.)
I don't know. My writing isn't done very well. I hope you can sort of see what I mean.
Lots and Lots of Hugs,
Renee
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
I see the same problem
Unless he was being very subtle, I'm no Bible expert, his letters seemed civil even concillatory EXCEPT for him caling you always Dad.The question is, can he not accept you as a woman, or is it force of habbit, IE once Dad you are always Dad, no matter the *vessel* the soul is in.
I do not know your son well enoght to say one way or the other. Tell him politely to call you Mom as he calls her or to call you Gwen if that confuses him.
Best of luck, and don't let the setbacks put you back.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
What I did
Don't want to go into details, but when I was getting notes like these from someone I'd been close to, the next time I saw the person face to face I pointed out that (1) the notes were impersonal ("You could send those to anyone on earth"), (2) the intent was simply to make me feel bad (and at that time "I feel bad enough already about the way things are that I don't need your help to see the negative side of things"), and most importantly (3) I wasn't interested.
I made it clear that any similar messages would be returned, marked "NOT INTERESTED".
I never thought this person ever listened to me or believed that I had any feelings, but they actually stopped sending me that junk after this talk.
I think at some point I said, "If you actually love me as an individual, as me, you wouldn't send me that junk." Meaning, they were sending it from a sense of religious obligation, and that it truly had NOTHING to do with me as a person -- especially as a person they cared about. They were simply acting out of an exaggerated sense of guilt.
Maybe what happened is that I was simply registering on an evangelical do-not-call list.
Kaleigh
Quoting the Bible...
... has the very large disadvantage that there are a limited number of thoughts expressed in it, so it's hard to convey anything but ambiguity, in the end, or messages encoded in a peculiar jargon which requires both prearrangement and a limited repertoire to decipher. It's much like Hallmark cards, which have quite a few pre-packaged sentiments that actually convey very little, other perhaps than that it's the thought that counts. One presumes that the purported message is well-intended, since it's easy to find condemnatory language in the corpus of that partisan text, and perhaps that restraint is enough, although the possibility certainly exists that the quote was also a snide but subtle condemantion. Quibbling about a mere name is just that, a quibble. So he has bad habits of thought and speech. Is that a crime? So he's not being a mensch. Perhaps he will develop better habits at some later date. It's not as if you're the only parent whose child turns out to be something of a disappointment.
"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is / To have a thankless child!" but Lear was a fatuous fool who didn't recognise the child who truly cared for him, and who felt a sense of duty and respect, until his little house of cards came tumbling down around him.
I believe it was Juliet who was made to say, That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet." So too, we carry all our names with us into eternity, from "little snookums" or whatever one was called as a baby, child, adolescent, to the various names, appelations, and titles we come to possess as we age, son, daughter, husband, wife, father, mother, grandpa, grandma, dearest love, you son of a bitch, and so on. We are not limited by our many names, as none of them capture the entirety of our lives, much less our living selves.
Be of good cheer; life is a journey, and the journey is its own reward.
-
Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
Two can play at that game
If he's going to quote a book at you, you can quote a book at him. Send him a copy of "Shoes."
Gwen :) There in not much
Gwen :)
There in not much to go on here.
I don't know how old you are or your son.
As your son been in the navy I'm guessing you're around forty-fifty .
In India they used to say that after bringing up your kids there came the time for your own journey towards spiritual fulfillment.
That is if I understand it right the spiritual path one needed to pass before having done with ones life.
Look at it that way, as a fulfillment of whom you are.
And show your son that you still love him, and that you haven't abandoned him.
I'm guessing that a lot of his feelings circle around just that.
Feelings of abandonment and even betrayal.
Though no fault of yours, you are following your inner voice.
Feelings are what moves us most.
They neither have to be sane or realistic.
He grow up with you as his Dad, and now his Dad seems gone.
Sometimes you just can't do anything but wait for things to heal.
In the mean time write, and don't ever stop loving him.
That's as good as I can guess.
Hope it helped some.
Yoron.