Well, I had to try to live as a Man again; try to get my family back; and try to find balance in my life.
- I found out that Female is the balance in my life.
- I found out that my family's issue with me was not about my being a woman, but about the lies that my x told about me. I don't even know what those lies were, because my son won't tell me. Is this familiar to any of you?
- I got 5 years of hair growth taken off. She gave me a lesbian hair cut. She thought I was a FtM.
- I went to get glasses. He thought I was a FtM
- My genetic woman friend said to me,"Are You NUTS!"
- I went to talk to my endocrinologist about it, and she said, "Does your Psychatrist know what you are doing?"
- In two different conversations with my life coach; the first was me as Khadijah, all smiles and oh so feminine. The second was me as Sa'eed, and with no smile and a flat voice. I looked at Sa'eed; who is this person? I don't know him?
- I arrived at my girl friend's apartment, not wearing male clothes but female clothes, hijab included. I thought I was OK, but then bawled until I was so weak.
I've learned a big lesson over this. I doubt that I will ever try it again. I am $300 dollars poorer, and someone else wasted $50 in buying me two thobes and those little hats. I don't think about who I am now, I know. I learned that there is no rewind.
Khadijah Gwen
Comments
Now you know for sure you are who you were meant to be :)
{{{{HUGGLES}}}}
I hope with your ex's lies exposed things are on the mend with your family...
All the best!!!
Frank
The Unfortunate Things We Do To Try And Please Others(Sigh)
The unfortunate things we do to try to try and please others(sigh). Too bad you are out all that money trying to deny what was really in your soul. I have learned over the years that that tiny voice that is inside us telling us things is very rarely wrong because it is the one connected to our subconscious and home of our true selves. There is a saying that talks about this: " The heart won't lie" I am so sorry you went through all this. At least you know the truth now and I hope you don't have to go through this ever again.
You read me like a book
At one point, I sort of shrugged to myself. "Yep, I am back to doing what everyone else tells me to do. I did it before and can do it again." I stuffed my feelings and did not realize it until my brain almost had a catastrophic failure. I laid around all day and couldn't do anything except I did go out and find a place to sit down and write about the most important traits for a good Muslim woman.
Now, I am getting in bed and plan to sleep until I wake up.
Now do you understand why I need to be chained and sleeping on the skins of my Master?
Khadijah Gwen
Sometimes
we have to do things the hard way. It hurts and is uncomfortable but now you know.
big huggles and I hope that things improve for you.
Grover
Hi honey.
I am sorry that things have gone the way they did, but I am glad you finally accepted that Khadijah is truly who you are. I told you that, no matter what your choice was or how it turned out, I'd be beside you as a friend. I was, and I am. Now that you have gotten the regrets and doubts out of your system, you can concentrate on being the best Khadijah you can be.
Personally, I think Khadijah is gonna be a real world beater.
All my love,
your friend,
Cathy
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
I'm so happy for you
Khadijah,
Al hamdu lillah bi khair
Salaam,
Umm-Robbi
I had something typed out
... but I had to delete it because I realized I couldn't take my own advice: not yet anyway. So I'll just say that I believe what you did, crazy or not, took more courage than the initial transition. If I ever do find my strength, there is no way in Heaven or Hell that I will ever go back. I also think the fact you were willing to try for the sake of your family speaks strongly to your character. :-)
*hugs*
Yep, I'm a Character alright! :)
Thank you so much for the kind comments. I did learn some really important things in this little insane break. I've been out for 5+ years, and post op by 3 years in August and was in such a drugged up haze that it took no courage at all to transition. It was just something that was pushed on me, and my family is such a bunch of red neck hicks that they don't even know what they don't know. Yep, they are really from the "burning at the stake" crowd.
Get this! My X has been a nurse for Kaiser for many many years. You't a thought that she would be a little more aware of what drugs can do to a person. At this point, it is a major statement of my faith in Allah SWT that some very bad things have not happened back in my old community.
Now I know for certain that there is no chance at all with them.
Khadijah
I'm feeling really confused, and nonplused too.
This whole debacle has affected me much more than I thought it would. I have to get dressed soon and go back out into the world. I am feeling so shy. Where has the confident and bubbly woman I was gone to? Please, don't any of you ever do what I did? Just being gentle and nice to myself right now. In three hours, I am supposed to be in the women's section of my Masjid. Where are my boot straps?
Anyone who does this to themselves is an idiot! But, HEY! I am gonna make it, and b e l i e v e ME, I'll never do it again.
Gwen