One of the last things she said still ran through my head. It was late May and I'd just broken up with my girlfriend of a year. Heartbroken I was moving back north tomorrow. We were sitting on her bed as I packed when she said it “well I guess you're not Ivan anymore Ingrid.” Tears fell from my face how could she say that? Why would she say that to me? She was the one who helped me find myself. Now here she was taking away from me. Over my dead body was I gonna let her do that. Not after all the things she put me through I'll he damned.

The next day I was gone I can still see her face as I shut the door. We blew one last kiss to each other and her eyes were cold but hurt. Just like that the door was shut and that was the end. I spent the whole time at the airport crying. People gawked at me but never asked if I was okay. “home” or so it was supposed to he called turned out to he a war zone. Not just the outside but inside as well. I was fighting for Ivan. No one accepted it they wouldn’t even try. All I ever heard was Ingrid this she that daughter this and her that. Each one was a blow to me I was so confused for so long. Everything I thought I knew got thrown into question. Was it all a lie? Did someone brainwash me? Who am I? What am I? Constant questioning took it's toll and I took to am old habit. When I started I learned fast to be resourceful. At this point I could do it with so many different things if need be. After it was dark out or my parents left for a while I'd bring it out. My razor my friend I went from zero to eight in a week with a hiding spot for each one. Part of me thought that I was done with all that. Guess I was wrong whenever something gets rough that's my go to.

I'm a nobody no one cares what I do no one notices either. So I just had at it and did what I felt I needed to letting the burning and pain take me away. Ingrid was dead and Ivan was alive and breathing notice how i dont say well. Since I restarted the longest I went without it was about two weeks or so. Which brings us to now, me laying in bed alone remembering things. Most of which are honestly better forgotten. Now Im all alone again no one is around to help me. I do have a significant other since I cant really say shes my girlfriend for reasons. We arent technically together which is fine with me I dont mind waiting so much. Shes the only person Im actually willing to wait for I could never do that for someone else.

Just then my phone rang and I let out a groan as I listen to the lyrics "Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper." A sigh escapes me as I finally decide to look at the screen "Belle belle...." My sister perfect just what I need today. Darling Annabelle who only seems to talk about herself and ignores me the few times I try to talk. Sure shes apologized for not being the sister she should and not being there but her words dont mean much if anything. Theres no action thats all they are is words and empty promises. Despite that though she is family and Ill never ignore her I never could no matter what happens. I hit the answer button "Yeah?" I asked monotone "Bubba come to my place theres someone I want you to meet!" Already I knew where this was going, "Fine." I answered "Great I love you dear brother." Yeah right I thought to myself as I let out an "Mmm" and hung up. Slowly I got up and started to change. Well thats just peachy this is just what I wanted to do with my afternoon. My darling sister has a new asshole she wants me to meet. These always end the same way and it only happens one of two ways. The first being I have an instant dislike for him and clock him a few times hoping to get some sense in him. Second being I dont hate him but he hurts my sister and I beat him senseless until he needs an ambulance.

All I want for my sister is a decent guy so she wont get pissed at me when I have to beat him. She has no idea that she deserves so much better than what shes getting with these losers. Annabelle and I arent blood but were as family as family can ever get were closer than most blood. I remember a long time ago she said she had a crush on me once. Then she made it like it was nothing but a waste of her time that made me feel great. I dont often emote well so she never knew I was hurt by the way she described it and I dont let it get to me. Id be a pussy if I let that get to me I cant let it but the thing is my whole life Ive been treated like Im nothing and I dont like reminders of it. Me and my sister have an interesting relationship its of a love hate variety if I guessed. She acts like we have an endearing and blindly loving relationship in her mind we might but in mine we dont. We cant stand each other and fight like crazy but at the same time we love each other and well always have the others back.

The first thing I threw on was my skinny jeans I pulled out my stupid binder and a black t shirt. For a moment I looked at myself in the mirror wearing my binder. And in that moment I can say that I truly hated myself. When I saw my reflection I felt like such a fraud like I would never be seen as who I am so why the fuck am I bothering? No matter what I did how I sounded or how I dressed I never passed I always had to correct them cause all I get is miss or she. Some days I dont wanna do it anymore I cant seem to go on it all seems like a waste and Id be better off gone. Im so sick of seeing other people like me so happy without a care in the world. Why cant I be like that? Why cant it all go my way for a change? Dont I deserve it too or should I just suffer on and like it? Any little hope or so called happiness has come with a huge catch always no matter what it was. Anger filled me within an instant and I couldnt hold in my rage anymore. Without thinking I just pulled my arm back and punched myself right in the temple. Only it made me ever madder so I did it over and over again. After about eight hits I was a little dizzy and delirious thats when I decided not to hit myself any more. Good to know the money I spent on different martial arts classes was well spent. Knowing me I gave myself yet another concussion only the millionth or so in my lifetime.

Deciding to say hell with it I figured itd be a good idea to drive anyway since Ive drove under worse conditions. Putting on my black beanie and combat boots I left and greeted my Honda in the driveway. My Honda was very nicely tuned so I can drive it and race it which I loved to do too bad I dont know any racers here. I got in and started to drive over to my sisters' lucky for her Im a short drive away so I can hurry if she needs me, I made it there in one piece and parked.