One of the last things she said still ran through my head. It was late May and I'd just broken up with my girlfriend of a year. Heartbroken I was moving back north tomorrow. We were sitting on her bed as I packed when she said it “well I guess you're not Ivan anymore Ingrid.” Tears fell from my face how could she say that? Why would she say that to me? She was the one who helped me find myself. Now here she was taking away from me. Over my dead body was I gonna let her do that. Not after all the things she put me through I'll he damned.
The next day I was gone I can still see her face as I shut the door. We blew one last kiss to each other and her eyes were cold but hurt. Just like that the door was shut and that was the end. I spent the whole time at the airport crying. People gawked at me but never asked if I was okay. “home” or so it was supposed to he called turned out to he a war zone. Not just the outside but inside as well. I was fighting for Ivan. No one accepted it they wouldn’t even try. All I ever heard was Ingrid this she that daughter this and her that. Each one was a blow to me I was so confused for so long. Everything I thought I knew got thrown into question. Was it all a lie? Did someone brainwash me? Who am I? What am I? Constant questioning took it's toll and I took to am old habit. When I started I learned fast to be resourceful. At this point I could do it with so many different things if need be. After it was dark out or my parents left for a while I'd bring it out. My razor my friend I went from zero to eight in a week with a hiding spot for each one. Part of me thought that I was done with all that. Guess I was wrong whenever something gets rough that's my go to.
I'm a nobody no one cares what I do no one notices either. So I just had at it and did what I felt I needed to letting the burning and pain take me away. Ingrid was dead and Ivan was alive and breathing notice how i dont say well. Since I restarted the longest I went without it was about two weeks or so. Which brings us to now, me laying in bed alone remembering things. Most of which are honestly better forgotten. Now Im all alone again no one is around to help me. I do have a significant other since I cant really say shes my girlfriend for reasons. We arent technically together which is fine with me I dont mind waiting so much. Shes the only person Im actually willing to wait for I could never do that for someone else.
Just then my phone rang and I let out a groan as I listen to the lyrics "Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper." A sigh escapes me as I finally decide to look at the screen "Belle belle...." My sister perfect just what I need today. Darling Annabelle who only seems to talk about herself and ignores me the few times I try to talk. Sure shes apologized for not being the sister she should and not being there but her words dont mean much if anything. Theres no action thats all they are is words and empty promises. Despite that though she is family and Ill never ignore her I never could no matter what happens. I hit the answer button "Yeah?" I asked monotone "Bubba come to my place theres someone I want you to meet!" Already I knew where this was going, "Fine." I answered "Great I love you dear brother." Yeah right I thought to myself as I let out an "Mmm" and hung up. Slowly I got up and started to change. Well thats just peachy this is just what I wanted to do with my afternoon. My darling sister has a new asshole she wants me to meet. These always end the same way and it only happens one of two ways. The first being I have an instant dislike for him and clock him a few times hoping to get some sense in him. Second being I dont hate him but he hurts my sister and I beat him senseless until he needs an ambulance.
All I want for my sister is a decent guy so she wont get pissed at me when I have to beat him. She has no idea that she deserves so much better than what shes getting with these losers. Annabelle and I arent blood but were as family as family can ever get were closer than most blood. I remember a long time ago she said she had a crush on me once. Then she made it like it was nothing but a waste of her time that made me feel great. I dont often emote well so she never knew I was hurt by the way she described it and I dont let it get to me. Id be a pussy if I let that get to me I cant let it but the thing is my whole life Ive been treated like Im nothing and I dont like reminders of it. Me and my sister have an interesting relationship its of a love hate variety if I guessed. She acts like we have an endearing and blindly loving relationship in her mind we might but in mine we dont. We cant stand each other and fight like crazy but at the same time we love each other and well always have the others back.
The first thing I threw on was my skinny jeans I pulled out my stupid binder and a black t shirt. For a moment I looked at myself in the mirror wearing my binder. And in that moment I can say that I truly hated myself. When I saw my reflection I felt like such a fraud like I would never be seen as who I am so why the fuck am I bothering? No matter what I did how I sounded or how I dressed I never passed I always had to correct them cause all I get is miss or she. Some days I dont wanna do it anymore I cant seem to go on it all seems like a waste and Id be better off gone. Im so sick of seeing other people like me so happy without a care in the world. Why cant I be like that? Why cant it all go my way for a change? Dont I deserve it too or should I just suffer on and like it? Any little hope or so called happiness has come with a huge catch always no matter what it was. Anger filled me within an instant and I couldnt hold in my rage anymore. Without thinking I just pulled my arm back and punched myself right in the temple. Only it made me ever madder so I did it over and over again. After about eight hits I was a little dizzy and delirious thats when I decided not to hit myself any more. Good to know the money I spent on different martial arts classes was well spent. Knowing me I gave myself yet another concussion only the millionth or so in my lifetime.
Deciding to say hell with it I figured itd be a good idea to drive anyway since Ive drove under worse conditions. Putting on my black beanie and combat boots I left and greeted my Honda in the driveway. My Honda was very nicely tuned so I can drive it and race it which I loved to do too bad I dont know any racers here. I got in and started to drive over to my sisters' lucky for her Im a short drive away so I can hurry if she needs me, I made it there in one piece and parked.
Looking at my sister's place I tried to find out how I was feeling or how I should act. Nothing came to mind right away so I guessed I would find out soon enough when I walked through her door. One thing was for damn sure though I sure as hell wasnt happy or excited about this only because I know how this was gonna go down. Rubbing my face I let out a "Ughh." I made my way to her apartment door and waited for a moment before I decided to kick it with my boot. A few moments passed when I heard my darling sister run to the door with her little feet.
When she opened it I was greeted with a giant smile and a big hug from her. I glanced over her shoulder and saw a guy relaxed on the couch looking me up and down. Here we go again I thought to myself as she pulled me inside and said happily, "Bubba I want you to meet Duncan and Duncan this is my brother Ivan." He looked almost amused at me when she said my name he didnt move or say anything so I went over to him and looked him dead in the eye, "Listen....douche bag was it? Here's how its gonna work your gonna get up and shake my hand like a man or Im gonna pull your ass up and make you a woman." Belle belle threw her head back and groaned out, "Not this again Ivan cant you be nice?" Without breaking eye contact with him I replied "Not if he cant show common manners and shake my hand." At this he stood up and Im a short guy so he was fairly above me at 6'3 but I didnt let him think it was an advantage. I extended my hand to him but he ignored it "Who do you think you are? You dont know shit about me yet you try to judge me?? Look at you!!" My sister hurried and pulled him back but I got directly in his face "What about me exactly?" He glared through my eyes as Annabelle kept trying to pull us apart "Duncan babe please dont answer that lets just start over ok?"
He pushed her away and she hit the floor as he yelled, "You look like a goddam girl you belong in a fucking dress tranny." That was like the bell going off for a fight a smirk came on my face as I clocked him in the mouth. He grabbed his jaw and looked at me surprised, "Now whose the girl fucker?!" The guy kicked me hard in the knee and sent me down with him and we started to struggle. We were rolling around on the floor grunting bumping into things and punching at each other. Throwing punches I decided to elbow him hard in the ribs and he groaned in pain as we kept going he got in a few punches. Most of our punches didnt do much damage he got me in the face a couple times and I hit him in the nose and broke it. Annabelle was freaking out and crying begging us to stop. Unable to hear my sister in pain I kicked him away and stood up "I dont want you near my sister ever again or I will fucking end your existence." He looked at me and I flashed a pocket knife I always keep on hand just in case. Slowly he got up holding his bleeding nose and left after he was gone I hit the floor again. Annabelle looked at me surprised "Ivan are you okay?"
Concern was in her voice as she knelt next to me "Yea just my bad knee." She looked at me and sighed "If you werent my brother Id beat you senseless." Then she hugged me "I know sis I started with him but he has zero respect I wont let you near guys like that." Hugging me tighter she said softly " I know bubba I just wish I could find a good one so we wouldnt have to do this." I nodded and gently hugged her back and kissed her head just then a shot of loneliness shot through me and I looked down. I was thinking of Sherelle who was so far away and all I wanted was for her to be here with me but it seems like she never will be. Sherelle is the woman Im in love with and whenever I get lonely its because I miss her and just want her here. "Wanna go to my place Ill order a pizza?" I asked and slowly tried to stand up "Yea Id love to brother dearest but is your knee okay?' I collapsed under the pain and said "Guess not....I dont feel good sister dear." Next thing I know she was slapping me half in tears and I looked at her dizzily, "You passed out! Were going to the er now!" For once I wasnt going to fight or argue with her my body mustve gone into shock. Annabelle pulled me up and helped me to my car, "You know I couldve got here myself sis." She glared at me and replied sharply, "Shut up and buckle up Im driving your car." Raising my eyebrows I said half amused "Im only buckling up because your behind the wheel try not to wreck it too bad now." She shot me another look and slugged my arm, "Your so lucky your hurt or Ima fucking kill you." A small laugh escaped me "Sure sis just like Ima beat your ass." Rolling her eyes she replied. "Shut up fucker."
After a few minutes of driving with screamo blasting enjoying each others company we reached the hospital. Opening my door I hopped out and held on the door as my sister scoffed, "Forever fucking stubborn brother." Annabelle came over and grabbed me "Sis what the fuck? Im fine dont hurt yourself." I struggled against her some "But bubba if you struggle Ill get hurt and you dont want that do you? Please cooperate this once for me?" The she flashed her sad eyes at me I groaned loudly and mumbled "Fine." As I let her help me inside the woman at the counter told her she could grab a wheelchair while I signed in. When she got back she smiled and said "Sit down dear brother Im back." I looked at her and sat down "Do I get to wheel myself or will you do that too?" Belle raised her eyebrow and asked "What do you think?" Hanging my head down and slumping back I sighed and replied, "Just this once." She wheeled me over to the empty sitting area and sat next to me looking at me concerned, "What?" Belle shook her head and I face palmed myself "Darling sister I promise you Im ok." It only took a couple minutes for us to get called back Belle belle pushed me back and they took my vitals then showed us to a room. Once on the bed I turned on the tv and started flipping through "All chick shows what the fuck?" Belle grabbed the clicker "Let me see." She turned on Coraline and tossed me the remote "There something we both like."
"I love you sis." She crawled next to me in bed and laid against me "I love you too bubba." I wrapped my arms around her and we watched the movie in silence. A while passed when the doctor came in and I muted the tv "So what seems to be the problem?" He asked and looked at both of us, "I got my right knee messed up pretty good." He looked at it and I winced a little, "Wow that sure is a doozy what happened?" I cleared my throat and replied, "I got in a fight." He nodded and asked " Are you in alot of pain?" I shook my head no and Annabelle looked at me " Dont lie to be macho!"
"Im not lying it really dont hurt." I looked at her as the doctor chuckled "Alright well miss Im sorry but Ill need you off the bed with what we need to do." She crawled out and pouted "Dont worry by the sound of that Ill be in pain soon." Glaring she replied " Thats not a good thing asshole I cant stand to see you in pain." The doctor watched us entertained " Well you two are obviously close siblings, now you dislocated your knee pretty good and we need to put it back in place." I groaned out "Fuuuccckkkk.." The doctor glanced at my paper and asked "You dont want pain medicine? Are you sure?" I looked at him and replied "Nooo doc Im good thanks." He nodded and waved a nurse in "Well you certainly are a tough one."
My sister took out her phone quickly as they started prepping for it "Sis what on earth are you doing?" She looked at me as she put the phone to her ear "Calling Sherelle we should tell her what happened." My eyes went wide "No! Dont do that! Why now?! The fuck just wait!" Annabelle kissed my cheek and rested her hand on mine and started talking to her, "Sherelle?..... Its Belle.... bubba is in the er..."Then they put my knee back in place and I screamed in pain. My sister looked at me terrified and started tearing up as I slumped back breathing heavily. All I could hear was Sherelle freaking out on the other end I pointed to the trashcan. The nurse gave it to me and I puked in it as Annabelle kept watching me as I fell back against the bed and glared at my sister. They wrapped my knee "Sis what made you think now was a good time to do that?" I asked weakly and she shrugged as her tears fell "Ive never heard you scream like that...." I reached for the phone and hugged her as I prepared for what was about to come which was probably the worst.
It was when I was seventeen or so and I dropped out of high school after last year after something happened. Life was getting to be too much for me anymore and I was put on anti depressants. No one around me cared what I was going through especially my parents no one cared what I did or if I needed help. Which to be honest I did need help but I had no support. Just like when I was younger they left me alone and let me do whatever to them I didn't really exist. At that point I had no one to stop me from doing something dumb or to even give a shit if something happened to me. So one night I decided enough was enough and I was done with everything. Id tried to end it all a handful of times before Id guess around five or six by this point and each was a miserable failure. Seeing another opportunity I decided to take it I went into the bathroom with all my pill and shut the door my parents were out at the time. There was no emotions at all like you hear how some cry or they're happy, for me there was nothing just numbness that was it. That was when I started to swallow pills hand fulls at a time I took about 85 which was basically my whole months prescription. When I got to the last bottle I left a few pills inside and decided to go to the couch and relax. Before I even left the bathroom I was already delirious hardly able to understand what was going on around me.
All I remember was laying on the couch waiting to die by myself without anyone to miss me or mourn me. Funny thing about life though we're born we die alone no one dies with us usually but for some reason very few want to live alone. After a little while I dont remember how long I just know it was dark out, I puked on myself and went back to the bathroom half out of my mind. Not really thinking straight I took a chunk off my shirt and dropped it on the floor then changed my shirt and fell asleep. Dont ask me how long I was out for all I remember is black sleep thats it. Everything was dark and there was nothing part of me thought I was dead and thats what was waiting for me. I woke up exhausted and slept for a good three, four days only waking up when I had to and I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. If I was awake I was falling asleep but you wanna know the sad part in all this?
I lived with my parents and they were never once concerned in a way they just left me to die. If your kid looked like I did at the time youd have their ass in the er asap. Not mine though my dad was medically trained you cant tell me he didnt know what i did he just didnt care. Any other human being whether it be parent relative or stranger wouldve done something probably wouldve had my stomach pumped clean. Most days I wish I wouldve died that night but Im just not that lucky....
"Babe?! Oh my God babe what happened? Whats going on are you ok? Please say something Ivan....." Sherelle was crying and panicking she mustve heard me I wanted to hit my sister so bad for causing this. "Baby ssshhhh its okay I promise. All that happened was I beat up one of my sister's losers and the asshole kicked my knee out. You know why I dont take pills so I didnt have any pain killers in me which is why I yelled." I felt my eyes crossing some from the pain probably I laid back and tried to relax as the nurse put the brace on. Annabelle was clinging to me like a small child as I tried to get Sherelle to calm down. After what seemed like forever I finally got her calm and she said quietly, "Ok babe I believe you....I love you."
"I love you too Sherelle." Then I hung up I had a pet peeve of telling those I care about that I love then before we part ways. Those were the last words I said to my nana when she was alive and it helped a lot after she was gone. Now I say it just in case something happens and we never talk again. Still hanging off me Annabelle kept apologizing "Sister dear please calm down I said its ok dont worry." I lifted her with me as I stood up "Bubba your knee!!" I shook my head, "Im fine see?" Lifting her over my shoulder she screamed "Put me down you know I hate heights! Im gonna get sick!!" Slowly I put her down and kissed her head, "Believe me now?" She nodded and clung to my arm as we left "You drive." I told my sister and handed her the keys she already knew what that meant I was gonna be thinking again. Thats how I spend most of my time anymore thinking about different things. My life was okay for once I had my sister close my awesome car and I could skateboard whenever. There was just one thing missing and it was one of the most important to me......Sherelle.
Facing facts and as much I didnt want to admit it I need her. Just then I went back to when I told her that it was the only time Ive ever told anyone we were just talking and I told her but she didnt say it back. Part of me worried I still do since shes never told me its a given I guess. Its just one of many things I need to hear once in awhile but never do. Im not the type to say I need to hear certain things I just hope that one day Ill hear them. Whenever it comes to Sherelle and I theres endless things to think about. So much to worry about so much to hope for now though all of that is out the window she was over a thousand miles away. Angry I punched the door hard and sighed Annabelle looked at me terrified "Bubba?" I looked at her with obvious pain in my eyes "It dont take much for me to be happy.....so why cant I be?" Silence filled the car she never did answer me I mean how could she? There really wasnt an answer that anyone could give to that. Right now there were few things keeping us apart now; making sure my sister was safe and all the fears I have. One blink later I was with my ex again and we were starting to get intimate she was putting unnecessary attention at my chest yet again she knows I hate it. This always ruined the mood for me I hated when she started that shit and it only got worse she wondered why I wasnt into it. It started with my chest then what I could and couldnt do to her which was a long list she saw me as a lesbian nothing more. I wasnt a man to her and I could never be man enough for her. That lesson sunk deep into me she never said it out loud but it was pretty obvious thats all I was to her. No matter what I do or what I have done I ll never be man enough for anyone. What if all this wasnt meant to last and it was just a fantasy that I was only setting myself up for pain? The thing is though shes worth the pain shes worth hurting severely for. Still lost in the past I heard all of my exes complaints....
"Come back brother please!" A few slaps brought me back to now Bel was looking at me "You ok? You were gone really long this time." Calmly I looked at her and said with fierce determination. after I hit the dash "Ive fucking had it all this is too goddam much." Lighting up a cigarette I continued after a drag, "Life is a fucking sick joke and we need to make some changes. Enough with letting people deal out bullshit we need to fight back more. That means you too sister I ll teach you how." She looked at me confused "Well there is one guy I like a lot." Part of me felt defeated and wanted to slam my head against the dash instead I looked at her, "Okay?" My sister started to get all weird and parked outside my place "I fell for him brother his name is Trey. Im afraid to tell him what if I scare him off?" Flicking my last cigarette outside I pulled out the pack and offered her one which she took, I loved my Marlboro blacks. As I lit mine I tossed her the lighter as we sat inside my car with the windows down relaxing. "Like I just said dont deal with bullshit including fear you gotta tell him." Taking a long drag and letting it out I continued, "Go call him and meet up ok?" Bel nodded and dumped some ash out the window "Okay bubba." We sat in silence again and smoked I always transported somewhere when I smoked its why I havent quit yet.
It was the old house where I lived there alot with nana I loved living with her she was the closest person who actually could understand me. One day I swiped a pack of pal mals from the carton in the cupboard. Some times Id be standing on the back porch smoking in the cool winter air, others Id be on the bathroom floor hanging out. My favorite was relaxing in the dining room watching some Roseanne and puffing away but there were times Id hide out in the basement and light up. Stubbing it out I looked at my sister "Ready to go inside?" She nodded as we got out "I think I ll call him now."
"Okay sis want me to leave you alone?" She shook her head no so I sat on the hood of my car and took out a small bag from my pocket and looked at it longingly. The guy mustve answered because she got all nervous and started talking I opened the bag and took out the rings inside. It took me forever to find these rings but they were perfect. They were a set of couple rings and I slowly held one up and looked at it sadly you can say I was torturing myself in a way I was. By looking at them though it made me think of her..... Sherelle she makes me so happy but I just missed her so much all I want is her here with me nothing in the universe would make me happier.
"Bubba?" Annabelle asked and tapped me, surprised I cleared my throat and looked at her, "Whats that?" she asked gesturing to the rings "Oh umm just a set of couple rings for me and Sherelle." A warm smile spread on her face as she hugged me tight, "Im meeting him in an hour I need to get ready." Shaking my head I sighed, "Ok well order the pizza to your place and I ll tell you how pretty you are." She nodded and we both got back in as she drove I called for the pizza. Once at her place she pulled me inside and pushed me on the couch then ran to her room to gather an outfit "Sit there I ll be back." I relaxed and turned on the tv. Id be waiting awhile. While I waited I looked at my phone and smiled at a picture of Sherelle. Most days I wonder how she got so beautiful then I realize that shes an angel. I feel like shes an angel sent from heaven just for me. "What do you think of this?" Instead of her usual jeans and band shirt she had a dark purple spaghetti strap dress on with black designs all over it with her hair down and black strappy heels. My sister looked beautiful she even had a black rose in her hair, "Youre gorgeous sis hes a lucky guy and he better not forget it." I smiled at her, "I got the prettiest sister around." She blushed and smiled back "Up or down." We both know how this was going to play out "Up." She put her hands on her hips "But he likes it down." Smirking I replied "Ok then have it down." She sat next to me and crossed her legs then there was a knock at the door. " I got it." I said as I stood up and limped to the door, "Brother darling arent you in pain?" Annabelle asked worried as I paid him and got the pizza, "I ll walk it off." A small laugh escaped me as I put the pizza on the table and sat down. "Why dont you smile more? Ive never seen you genuinely happy the closest Ive seen is when you skateboard or talk to Sherelle."
I sighed and looked down, "Thats because Im not happy I need her sis I honest to God do." We ate in silence from then on, with Daria on we sat and watched contently. Thats how I always felt with my sister....content, after a while and the pizza was gone she asked, "What time is it?" Glancing at my watch I replied, "Quarter to four." Annabelle thought a moment "Should I leave now?" I shrugged like I would know or care. She stood up and went back to her room again for a couple minutes. As I waited I did what I always did thought about things. My mind went back to Sherelle and what she was doing.
Finally something snapped in my head and I just couldnt handle any of this anymore. Without thinking I stood up and slammed my hand on the table like they do in soap operas. "Thats it I cant fucking take it anymore! Im fucking tired of this bullshit sis get your fucking ass out here now!" Within a minute she was out looking at me weird "Annabelle I cant fucking take it Im going on a road trip and Im trusting you to be safe while Im gone do you understand me?!" Bel nodded and asked "Where are you going to?" I looked at her and said "Im bringing Sherelle home where she belongs."
"Are you serious!? Thats crazy are you gonna tell her?" Annabelle said surprised "No Im not gonna fucking tell her wheres the spontanity in that?" She shook her head "Bubba the last thing you need is to be more damn spontanious, when are you going?" More than anything I wanted to say right the fuck now this second but I couldnt. There was too many loose ends that needed tightening before I could go. "After your date in case the fucker hurts you then Ill hurt him." She nodded and hugged me tight against her "Let me guess your gonna skateboard and pack while Im with Trey?" The way she said his name made me roll my eyes to the ceiling. He better not hurt her I could tell she really cared about this one which is a little rare to have.
"And?" I asked raising an eyebrow Belle put her hands on her hips and her eyes directly in mine and said with a sarcastic tone, "And to call you the minute we part so you know Im ok and blah blah blah." Nodding in approval I replied equally smart, "Good and dont you fucking forget it." Annabelle hugged me again "Im gonna go now try to stay out sight this time." My sister knew me so well "Hey your the only one that ever actually sees me. Now be careful ok Ill be there soon I love ya." Belle got her purse and smiled happily "Ok bubba well be at the park I love you too dearest brother." We both walked outside as I locked the door behind me and watched as she pulled out and drove off.
Spending time with my sister isnt exactly my favorite thing in the world to do but shes family. What can you do? My stomach started flipping every which way....great I know where this is goin. Anxiety was attacking hard from all sides. From my guts too my throat everything was shaking literally and I knew why. This happens every time something big is about to happen and I was nervous. Looking down at my shakin hands I tried to breath slowly. Everything would ok or at least thats what I was telling myself. Theres so many things running around and spinning through my mind. All of the old fears came back again and hit me hard. So many things were wrong with me especially with what Sherelle wants in life. What if I cant give it to her? I dont want that for her and science will probably be too late for me to be able to give her what she wants. A family..... I want to give her that more than anything but due to obvious reasons I cant and it breaks my heart.
Within the next day the true test of our love will begin and I might not be happy with the answer. In a way I kinda wished I already knew the answer of whats gonna happen. Back in my car I drove over to my plave as all these thoughts kept swimming through my brain. What if she left me what would I do? What if love really isnt always enough to beat anything? Even though the last thing I want is a broken heart I have to put all on the line. Whether I want to or not I kinda have to if I wanna hit the jackpot. With love you always have to go for broke in some way at one point or another. No matter how much you bet or how broke you go you can always lose your ass nothing is guarenteed. Love is the one addiction that almost everyone has, everyone wants it and theyll do anything for it.
Inside my place I grabbed my black duffle bag and threw it on the bed then sat down. How long should I even pack for? Fuck if I know. I slowly got up and looked around then started to toss in some clothes. Lucky for me all I wear is black with a little navy blue and dark red so I dont have to match much. Then I went to my bathroom and got my stuff from in there my soap towel brush deoderent and spray. Check. There really wasnt much I needed when I really thought about it. Taking a deep breathe I grabbed one of my knives and tossed it in, one too many trans related horror stories I never left home without one. Glancing around I saw my guitar staring at me Ive had it since I was fourteen.
No matter how many times I tried or how hard I worked at it I could never get the hang of it. I guess Im just not meant to play it so now it just stares at me. I could never sell it though I dont have the heart Im too attached to it. After everything was loaded I grabbed the bear I bought for her awhile back and put it in the passenger seat. Right before I finished I tossed my spare skateboard in my trunk and went back inside.
My place is as empty as its ever been but when I get back hopefully itll be fuller than I can ever imagine. There was a calm silence that filled my house now. Everything was actually neat for once or at least neat to my standards. Finally I shut the door behind me I might not have to be alone anymore when I open it the next time. The prospect left me with a giant smile on my face as I got in my car. With everything loaded in and packed up it was time to head over to the park. Once I got there I looked around and saw her under a tree smiling. The guy she was with I assumed was Trey her smile put me at ease.
I pulled my board and helmet out of the trunk which is the only things I needed to skate. The only protection I used was a black helmet with energy drink stickers all over it. My board was a darkstar since Ive always had a soft spot for them since I started.
To look casual I rode around some to warm up and kept an eye on them as I skated up the path. After a couple minutes of skating around I did a kick flip. If I was going to be believable I needed to do tricks even though I wasnt a pro yet. There was just something about skateboarding that helped me. It calmed me down I did a pop shuv it and landed it then skated around a bend. Thats when I realized I havent thought about cutting yet today. I didnt even take the time to make sure I had one packed. Nailing a heel flip I knew I had one in my wallet but I didnt wanna use it yet.
Usually I wanted to use it at least six or seven times if not more but not today. The urge hasnt really come up yet I heard a laugh pierce through the air and looked at my sister. She was wearing a big smile again and I took a sigh of relief. At least she was happy for a change my Belle needed it. God knows she hasnt had it easy. Just like how I havent either I guess thats why were good siblings. We have that understanding with each other.
Belle doesnt really fully understand me only one person can do that. Like how I probably dont fully understand my sister either there are just some things we cant understand. Thats with everyone though I decided to sit in the grass and take a break. As I looked up at the sky I began second guessing my decision to do this. After all would Sherelle really want this? Would she be ready for me to take her away? Then that familiar urge started to kick in I knew it was only a matter or time.
Maybe I could do it once before I go to hold me over for awhile. If my sister found out though there would be a brand of hell to pay. Slowly I got up and skated over to the bathroom and ducked in a stall. Safe inside the bathroom by myself I rolled up my sleeve. It held scars on the middle of my forearm. All self inflicted and needed for my own sanity and mental health. There was a reason I wont quit but Im the only one that knows it. No one would understand it would just sound insane to them when its really not. I sat on the toilet and held my beat up bill a bond wallet in my hand. Just once wont hurt anything right?
I took out my blade it was spawned from an old shaving razor I broke apart. That was the trickiest thing harvesting the blades without cutting up your fingers. As I sat in the dirty mens room alone I looked around and held my blade close. Nothing too fantastic was written or drawn on the walls just the usual tags and phone numbers. Part of me hesitated as I gently put the blade against my skin and looked at it.
A thought passed through my head what would Sherelle do when she saw my scars? Hopefully she would be like most people and just ignore them but I know she wont. Sherelle isnt like that at all shes too genuine and caring thats one of the things that attracted me to her.
Could I really do this? Im supposed to be excited for the next two days unable to contain my joy. Yet here I am with a blade in my hand about to cut myself like so many times before. Letting out a slow sigh I couldnt hesitate anymore the guilt was eating at me. The blade pressed harder against my skin and I slit it across my arm. Blood didnt poor immediately from the wound like you see in movies instead it took a minute. I liked how it felt and how the new cut looked. Just one more cut wont hurt anything right Im already going to hell. Underneath the fresh cut I slit my pale flesh again and before I could tell myself just one more I put my blade back to sleep in my wallet. Before I could do more damage than what Ive already done to myself.
Once upon a time my blades were my closest friends they were always there for me. Never once did I have to worry about them answering they were just there without strings. I cared for them deeply so much so that I actually personified them. My favorite even had a name, baby dispare thats the one I keep in my wallet so its always with me. The blood started to drip on the floor and I quickly grabbed some toilet paper. There wasnt a chance in hell itd clot with just this but I keep gauze in my trunk just in case. As I pressed it to my now bleeding cuts the paper almost instantly turned red but itd do me til I get to the car. Just then I heard someone come in the bathroom and start talking.
"Fuck Annabelle how can I tell you how I truly feel?" He sounded on the verge of tears if he wasnt crying already as I opened the stall with my board in hand. It was Trey and he looked at me in surprise as he "itched" at his eyes, "So your Trey." I said simply and looked at him emotionless "Tell me how do you feel about her?" One of my eyebrows raised as his look of shock grew, "Howd you know my name? Who are you?" He stammered and I replied cooly, "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Now answer the question." His eyes dropped and he said nervous. "Well Im in love with this amazing girl and Im so scared to be hurt by her."
Looks like we might actually have a decent one for once thank God. I dont think I could get in another fight today with the way my body has been. "And her name is Annabelle huh? How bout we strike up a deal." Trey looked at me slowly and nodded, "Im her brother and you never saw me in here understand? Now I dont hate you yet which is rare so if you never saw me I'll help you out. First off I saw how happy you make her out there and Im gonna give you some advice. Dont even think of hurting my sister if you do we will have a problem and I like to fight. You cant hide from me either I will find you. With that said I want you to tell her how you feel dont be afraid anymore ok? Trust me." I patted his back and walked out, "Dont forget man you never saw me." Bel was sitting under the tree still smiling to herself as she waited for him.
Then I noticed the trail I was leaving on the ground, "Shit." I said to myself as I dropped my board and hopped on, I ollied onto a rail and 50-50ed it to the parking lot. Luckily I could see my car it was close by. I really shouldnt cut in public anymore its too troublesome. Fumbling my keys I unlocked the trunk and grabbed the gauze and medical tape cussing to myself silently. I peeled off the now soaked red toilet paper and tossed it in my trunk. After I placed the gauze on the cuts I put the tape on it should clot in no time now. A voice in my head said I should leave now while I still had the balls to do this. Tossing my skateboard and helmet in the trunk I took a deep breath.
Theres no turning back now I have to do this, no matter what I had to. I got in and rested my head on the steering wheel and looked at the bear. I'll never forget when I got it for her. She sent me a picture a few days before of her with one just like it and I decided to hunt one down. When I found it I video called her and asked if she was ready for her surprise she nodded all smiles. Then I put the bear on camera and said "Look what I found for you." All that was on her face was utter shock her jaw dropped and the first words out of her mouth were, "Are you serious?"
Meanwhile I was so amused by her reaction I couldnt help laughing.
That was the first time in a long time I really laughed and Im not surprised she was the cause. What if all this is too much though? What if this is too fast for her and she turns me away? A few tears escaped at these thoughts there was so many ways this could go wrong. Am I really ready for this? Can I really put it all on the line again after what happened before?
As much as I hated to do it I was making Sherelle pay for what my ex did to me. I hated it but it was true and Im trying so hard to stop but I dont know if Im getting any better. Shes been paying for it sinch I broke up with my ex Sherelle deserves so much better than me. My ex was probably one of the worst girlfriends in history she did everything she could to hurt and break me. By the end I was basically a pet and she discarded me when she was done with me. After I was so lost like a dog whose food dish got moved to the other side of the house.
Still half lost in memories of torment and possible new despair my phone went off. Without needing to even look I already knew who it was and what was going on. Looking at the screen confirmed my assumption it was darling Bel Bel. That was the last thing I was in the mood for right now. I tossed my phone on the passengers side and kicked the door with my good leg. "Sis get it through your head! I dont fucking care!!" I screamed and hit my head against the steering wheel. Letting out a groan I knew I needed to get out of here. Within the next few minutes my sister would drag Trey to the parking lot and tap on my window. Then with a new glee filled attitude wil freak about Trey's confession to her. Part of me was so sick of all this, this routine we now have.
My sister is so self centered it drives me insane to the point I wonder why I stick around. Like right now if she found out I cut myself shed yell at me then talk about how that makes her feel. Over the years shes tried to change and it worked some but she always went back to her old ways. Theres so much running through my head the last thing I need is her shit. Quickly I threw my car in reverse and backed out then sped off I needed to be alone and figure shit out. Just to rethink everything hopefully she wont call back anytime soon. I needed to know I was doing the best possible thing and I wont regret it. I couldnt go home if I did Id lose the courage and not go for it. Stopping at a red light I thought about my hiding place that Bel didnt know about. I looked around at the beaten down suburb it looked like a ghost town. Only difference was that all the stores here were open, as the light turned green my phone went off again.
I yelled loudly with anger and pulled over "Jesus fucking christ sis I dont wanna talk right now!" At the risk of ruining her mood I knew she would keep calling if I didnt answer. "What?" I asked as I answered she squeeled happily and immediately began running off. After a minute or so I said monotone, "Bye I cut myself love you." Click, I hung up and put my phone in the cup holder. Now she would either call back screaming at me or not bother so she could focus on being happy.
Thats one of the things I want most is my sister to be happy dont mean I wanna hear about it though. It seems like thats all I ever hear anymore everyone around me is happy. After a while it gets old I dont know if its because Im not happy or what. Honestly thats probably why everyone around me is so happy and flaunting it so much its almost like rubbing it in my face. Meanwhile Im just here miserable nine times out of ten. All Ive ever wanted is to be happy but everytime I thought I had it or was close it turned into a nightmare. I can honestly say now that Ive never been truly happy the best I get is okay.
Maybe I shouldnt even think anymore and just go. Fuck this I need to get my happiness I deserve it and I should go for it. Just then I flashed back to a night that I was freaking out about Sherelle. My sister and I have two movies just for us Les Mis and A Nightmare Before Christmas. That night she sang me a song from Les Mis and it rang through my heart again. "I see a new age dawning, red I feel my soul on fire, black your world if shes not there. Red the color of desire, black the color of despairrrr." Every once in awhile her singing will ring through my head. Right now I need to be the rock I am I cant keep acting like a pebble.
This is it I need to go get my happiness no matter what is gonna happen. I need to to let Sherelle in at the risk of her breaking my heart to finally get my happiness.