Once I've been lost by myself to be found by others who cared...

I wasn’t sure about the day while it was dark. Not darkness as it is while lights were on but dark outside like it wasn’t a day. I was not in the bed but on the couch under some blankets in front of the fireplace and I was sweating heavily. Another thing I was sure I needed a bathroom desperately so I started to move covers to the side.

“So are you conscious at least?” I heard a deep voice, not such a low one we usually call deep but really deep as from the bottom of the barrel. “Isn’t it too early for you to get up?”

“I need to pee” I replied trying to turn to the voice but the backrest of the couch prevented from seeing anything except the ceiling and the lights on it.

“Ok then” the voice said “bathroom is to the left. And put slippers on, don’t go barefoot.”

“Yessir,” I replied shuffling around the couch until I found a pair of those fluffy pink bunny slippers. I myself apparently was in the ankle length powder blue flannel nightgown with a ribbon instead of buttons at the top of it. The owner of the voice was a large man, not only tall but really large. He could be Santa just there was no beard and no belly so he wasn’t Santa, maybe his brother or cousin anyway. He smiled to me and nodded his head showing me the direction to the bathroom. I patted there urgently and sat down to relief myself. I usually was sitting while peeing at home too while it was the best way avoid the possible splatter. Using an occasion I glanced into the mirror. I expected image to be worse maybe just my hair needed some shampooing and I needed shower while I was sweating heavily and my sweat was kind of greasy and stinky. If at home I’d taking a bath instead of the shower because I still felt some residing cold in my bones but I’m not at home and I’d rather be thankful for being in the warmth here. STOP!

Why am here? Who is this Santa’s cousin? Why I’m dressed like a girl? I need to call granny. What I’m doing here? Maybe Santa’s cousin can help me. I stepped out of the bathroom and found a woman together with a big man.

“How are you honey?” woman asked.

“I’m fine, I guess, ma’am.”

“Call me Marta, and this is Robert, Rob for short,” she said. “If you are not too hungry I want us to go to steambath for your cold to expel completely from your body. Good?”

“Fine with me ma’am” I replied.

“Marta.”

“Yes, of course, sure, Marta.”

She handed me a blue terry robe with a hood put the similar robe herself on and we hurried through the backyard to the steamhouse. Wow, it was cold outside. Marta noticed I was snuggling my robe tighter and she’s like “It’s twelve. So you apparently are not a fancier of shiver.”

We entered an ante-room and it was already very hot. Marta undressed quickly and wrapped a towel round her chest. She was waiting for me to do the same while I was hesitating and not willing undress in front of her.

“I’ve seen you nude already, honey, after we found you and warmed and later when you were sweating I had to change your nightgown several times.”

I took robe and then my nightgown off hesitantly and wrapped the towel round my hips.

“We girls have to wrap round our chests” Marta said after rewrapping me her way.

“But I’m…” I started to complain.

“Shush hon,” Marta said and pushed me into the chamber where the air was even hotter and the chamber was filled with a stick steam and we sat on the lower bench. Marta poured the scoop of water over hot stones and the chamber was immediately filled with another portion of hot sweet-scented steam. I took another chance to complain regarding my gender.

“Gender is not about presence or absence of some parts” Marta said, “it’s rather what do you feel. I don’t want you to answer immediately. I don’t expect you to answer me. Anyway you’ll need to answer for yourself. And you have to be honest with yourself. As I’ve mentioned,” she continues, “I’ve seen you nude and you may pass both boy and girl. But there is what you feel. When you were unconscious you were talking a little and I did hear the girl talking not the boy.”

And I remembered why I was not at home, what I tried to do. And there I started to sob and tears were flowing like some gates were suddenly open. And there I again start to think to myself that I am not a right boy while boys don’t cry and especially they don’t cry in front of strangers. I think I probably earlier was more right boy while the last time when I was crying was seven years ago. So I managed to be right so long. What happened to me? What’s happening to me now? I’m sick? Why can’t I stop tears running?

I start to shiver a couple of minutes later, I was almost shaking vigorously. I think I’m nuts and it’s because of it. Marta meanwhile pours another scoop of water over hot stones and the heat becomes almost unbearable and I continue to shiver and to shake.

“That’s last drops of your cold go out from your body,” Marta said. My shiver and tears stopped both almost at the same moment. There was a sound of Rob coming and another minute later he entered the chamber with the towel wrapped around his hips. He brought a portion of chill so he poured another scoop of water over hot stones and climbed onto the upper bench. Marta noticed the question in my eyes and she’s like “We girls stay here while the upper bench is for men.” I stood up, climbed and sat by Rob’s side, the same moment I felt an unbearable pressure inside of my head and immediately rolled down to the lower bench. Marta didn’t say a word just smile this almost invisible Mona Lisa smile. I caught the sense what happened. She’s right – the upper bench was for men and not for me.

I smiled too. That was it, the clarity! It’s so good to be myself!

Marta and I both went outside to the ante-room where we took a shower and after drying she gave me another flannel nightgown but this time it’s light pink. Then we hurried back to the house and I noticed the weather wasn’t as cold as previously. “It’s getting colder,” Marta said, “but you have no cold inside so you don’t feel that the temperature is already below ten.”

We went into the kitchen and I thought I needed to call granny while Marta was like reading my mind “We’ve called your mom, sorry granny, the day we’ve found you and then every couple hours. She is informed but she can’t come while there was a massive snowfall Saturday morning. We could take you with our 4x4 but we decided to wait till you regain your consciousness. Tomorrow we will drive you home anyway.” I wanted to talk to granny personally but I thought I had rather to wait for the next call; I didn’t want to appear a spoiled kid.

Marta made a linden flowers tea meanwhile and then asked “Have you some allergies?”

“Nope,” I replied wondering what the reason of such question was.

“Allergy isn’t a rarity,” Marta said, “and I don’t want any complication while I want you to take a special honey mix.”

I was sipping linden flower tea while Marta crushed black pepper peas in a mortar and then mixed it with a little of honey. She got a spoon full of this mix and I had to swallow it without munching. I flushed it with a tea and felt no hot in my mouth rather some warmth in my stomach. A bit later I felt dizziness and passed out.

I felt the urge to go to pee so I opened my eyes and found that there was a dim light in the room and mantel clock was showing half to six in the morning. I grasped those bunny slippers and dashed to the bathroom quickly. After I relieved myself I slipped into the shower and then after drying myself I put the same nightgown back on because I had no other clothes to change in.

After I returned to the room I heard some voices in the kitchen as someone was doing something and talking to each other. Actually I heard only that deep Rob’s voice while Marta was talking practically inaudible or maybe there was just Rob alone talking to himself. I stepped into the kitchen and found both of them doing breakfast.

“Morning hon,” Marta said and Rob just nodded his head to me while smiling. I answered “Good morning ma’am, sir.”

“I see you’re after the shower already,” Marta said. “I left you some clothes in the room. Put them on and then I’ll help you with your hair before breakfast.”

I thanked her and was back into the room. She was right, a pile of clean clothes was laid on the chair I just didn’t notice it. What I could expect from her after yesterday’s statement about my girliness? Sure all clothes were girl’s clothes: plain cotton panties and training bra, thick warm tights, slip, turtleneck sweater and woolen skirt. I had never dressed up in girl’s clothes previously except one single case a couple of weeks ago when I put a wrap-on skirt for Willy’s dance lessons.

I put everything on without a single problem. I was wearing tights sometimes for dance classes so I knew how to put them on and how to manage my lower parts to make them invisible. The bra apparently was with a clasp at the front so I easily put it on, my bumps felt well in bra.

Marta entered the room with a blow dryer in her hands when I was trying to find which side of the skirt was front. Apparently the zipper was on the left side not on the back and I was fully dressed at least just pink bunny slippers suited not very well. Marta blow dried my hair and left it not in a pony tail. Then she applied some mascara to my eyelashes.

“Girl without make-up is more noticeable in nowadays,” she said. “I guess mascara will be enough for the first time, other approaches you will learn with your friends and mom.”

“Granny,” I said.

“Yes, sure, granny…”

We went to the kitchen for breakfast and there was this low whistle and “Wow…” from the Rob’s side.

We ate our breakfast with an acorn coffee. After we flushed the dishes we headed to dress for a trip. Marta gave me a knitted fluffy shawl, snow boots and a short faux fur jacket. My skirt was very short but jacket was even shorter. At least my tights were thick and warm.

When we went outside to the car I could look over the house and other building. The house was one store lodge cabin, not very big maybe round a thousand square feet, then almost hundred feet away was a steamhouse and by it’s side a barn almost as big as the living house and nearer to the house was a garage.

Rob wanted to show me where I was found so we drove not directly to the town but first to that place at the skirts of the wood where Rob was arranged a feeder for deer. I actually had used haycock as my bed and Rob found me there when he brought salt and dried carrots to this place.

So what happened Saturday morning? I had decided to take an one side ticket by riding my bike and then falling asleep. There isn’t a place to discuss why. The decision was made. I drove away from Granny’s home an hour after midnight following the route one to the North and then turned to the West after had reached the woods, then again to North few miles away and later again to West. At least I was at one of Rob’s deer feeders at some unnumbered byroad almost forty miles away from Granny’s home and almost at four in the morning. Wet snow was falling almost all night and stopped few hours before the dawn. I curled on the hay and felt fast asleep where Rob found me already cold at eight while temperature on Saturday morning had dropped significantly below freezing point and everything what was wet froze to the stone. Another half hour later I was already at their home and my clothes were ripped from me and I was laid into the bath with chill water almost sixty degrees. Thirty minutes later water was replaced with a warmer one, and later the temperature was raised to one hundred. Almost eight hours later I was warmed to my natural temperature but was still unconscious while later I became delirious for a short time almost to the Sunday morning and then I slept peacefully. My clothes were frozen to ice so Marta ripped away just shoes and jacket with a shawl and checked pockets before placing me into the bath for the first time. In jacket’s pocket she found my phone and called ‘Home, sweet home’ number from her wired phone while there is very poor coverage. ‘Home, sweet home’ is granny’s number in my phone and Marta told Granny that her daughter was found. Granny thought it’s a prank while usually we get late on Saturdays and she didn’t notice I was absent and besides we had never talked for me even to pretend being a girl so that daughter statement and unknown calling number looked like a prank.

Then almost half hour later Granny at least came to my room and found my card: “Sorry. I’m not right and I can’t live not right life. Love you, Kurt.” Granny started to panicky. First she called police but there was no reasonable answer. Then she called Audra, some other girls, later Willy and then she thought that the call about her daughter was actually about me. She tried to call back but the line was busy. Apparently Marta tried to keep calling Granny because I was still unconscious and my temperature was rising very slowly. At least one of them succeeded and there was sighing of relief at both sides.

Later had Marta called Granny another few times and they talked about me. Marta said that from boy I have only boy parts while body shape, bone structure, scull, skin, face and my bumps at least are more girlish than boyish. After episode in a steamhouse Marta became pretty sure I was a girl with a plumbing defect. It wasn’t reasoned by my inability to stay on upper bench but rather my appreciation after I accepted my girliness.

Meanwhile we were already at granny’s home. Granny stepped outside on the porch to invite us to the house. The strangest thing wasn’t to explain or tell my story to granny and Audra who was present too but to stay dressed in girl clothes in front of them. For me it was weird ‘cause I felt myself in girl mode and they two accepted me as I was without a second glance or some freaking comment.

It was clear obviously for all of us that I can’t turn into girl immediately. I might accept it, and granny and some my friends might accept it too, but there was school, teachers and a plenty of others we cannot be sure.

“One thing is clear,” Audra stated, “I don’t want call her Kurt.”

“Some retirement home inhabitants and even nurse call me Courtney,” I said.

“Oh no, no, no!” Granny shouted “I hate that ’Kurt’ name and everything related to it.”

“So why did you have given it to me?” I asked.

“When you mother was pregnant all signs and even ultrasound were showing the girl, so the name was selected, discussed and approved by all participants. But then was that ‘Congratulations honey, you have born a healthy boy’. Nobody was prepared for the boy and Gramp while he actually was reading a book of Kurt Vonnegut offered the name ‘Kurt’. It wasn’t my fault, sorry.”

I suddenly started to fear while I felt we were ready to change my birth certificate and all school records and then chop everything needless from my body. It’s not that I wanted ever to be a boy but I’ve born as one and all fifteen years of my life I’ve been one while dressed as a girl I’m less than a day. I knew how to survive in boy body and how to play a boy role and don’t know anything about being a girl even if want be one. I voiced my fears and doubts for others and Granny said that I’ll continue attend the school as boy as Kurt till the summer break and meanwhile I’ll have to make appointment to some doctors. She ensured there could be no urgent decisions.

Then Marta and Rob drove back home and Audra shortly left too so we were here only two of us again. I couldn’t miss an occasion and asked “So what name I’d be?” and she’s like “My Mother’s name. Do you agree?” and I “Yes, I do. What is it?”

“Monica,” she said.