Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 27

The next week

Suzanne had appeared to be very tired when I arrived back on Sunday night and so I’d only given her the barest outline of my weekend before I helped her to bed. I was also feeling pretty confused and emotionally drained myself and so I followed her shortly afterwards. I must have fallen asleep almost as soon as I’d undressed, fixed my hair and got into bed. The next thing I remembered was waking up the following morning feeling much better and with a clearer head. I got up, showered and for once I just put on a pair of jeans and a sweater and only bothered with a trace of lipstick and mascara since I didn’t have to go into work and had no plans to go out. It was the first time I’d worn trousers since before Christmas and my legs now felt a little unfamiliar in them, but this didn’t trouble me. I was beginning to feel that my femininity had taken root and was growing within me and not just something expressed by the clothes and cosmetics I chose to wear or how I styled my hair. I quickly examined myself in the full length mirror. I may not have appeared as girly as I usually did, but there was no doubt that it was Clare rather than Tom whose reflection was facing me. As each day of the new year passed I felt more like a woman and my memories of my previous life were beginning to fade.

Suzanne announced that she was also feeling a lot better when she woke. I was glad that we would be able to spend the day together so that I could make amends for having been away for much of the weekend and leaving her on her own. I therefore organized a leisurely breakfast for us both during which I related the full story of my weekend.

‘That’s just typical of a man,’ commented Suzanne as I came to the end of my account. ‘They chase after you and profess undying love until they get you into bed with them, and then start to back off in case they should one day find themselves having to ‘commit’ to something or somebody.’

‘We may have slept in the same bed but we didn’t actually have sex, apart from a little cuddling and manual stimulation on my part.’

‘That probably counts as a conquest in his eyes and will be enough to give him one more notch on his bedpost or bragging rights with his mates in the pub.’

‘I don’t believe Andy is like that,’ I replied blushing at the thought. ‘I never had the impression that he was only after one thing. In any event, he didn’t have to volunteer to drive me all that way to see my father.’

‘Believe me, Clare, all men are only after one thing; they are genetically programmed that way,’ she replied definitively. ‘But, I suppose you may be right in some respects. It was good of him to drive you all that way, even if it proved to be a false alarm in the end.’

‘Yes but I’m still glad we went, though; and also that my father knows about Clare, even though he is now threatening to come to London and pay me a visit sometime in the future.

‘Did you discuss your long term intentions with him?’

‘No, not really. It was difficult for me to say much in a public ward, and in any event I want to see a therapist and have some idea of the timetable before I say too much about it. However, I did try to imply that my living as Clare wasn’t just a passing whim.’

‘So how did he react to meeting his new daughter or perhaps we should say more strictly, his daughter-to be?’

I thought for a moment before answering.

‘It is difficult to say exactly what was going on in his mind. Vera, his new lady friend, had done a pretty good job of preparing the ground for me, which made things a lot easier. So Dad didn’t seem as surprised or upset as I’d imagined. He was even prepared to meet Andy.’

‘How did Andy react to that idea of meeting your Dad?’

‘He seemed ok about it.’

‘I just wonder whether it was a little premature for Andy to be ‘meeting the parents,’ and that scared him off. Do you think that may be the reason why gave you the cold shoulder last night?’

‘I’m not sure, I wouldn’t have planned it that way, but that’s how it turned out. He seemed alright when he was with Dad and was also quite chatty to me during the first part of our journey home,’ I answered sadly. ‘It was only during the last two hours when I was asleep that seemed to become change, as if he’d been brooding about something.’

’In that case, Clare, don’t just sit at home and mope. Phone him to find out what is his problem? After all, we are now living in the twenty-first century and a girl is allowed to phone a guy if she chooses to do so.’

‘Good heavens no,’ I replied vehemently. ‘If I am going to be a girl, I fully intend to avail myself of all the advantages on offer.’

‘What advantages?’ asked Suzanne, sounding a little surprised.

‘That I get the right to say yes or no, and don’t have to go through the nightmare of plucking up courage to ask the question.’

‘If you are not careful you will set back the cause of women’s lib by years. There are lots of young women who resent being expected to remain the passive recipients of a man’s attention.’

‘Maybe so, but I’m not one of them.’

She didn’t press the point.

‘It is also possible that he’s unsure of himself and how you feel about him?’

‘I did my best to make that clear to him in bed yesterday morning.’

‘Maybe he was becoming a little worried about the growth of his feelings for you?’

This hadn’t really occurred to me, and would take some thinking about. I decided to try and put an end to the discussion.

‘If Andy wants to see me again then he must ask me out,’ replied decisively.

‘Alright then, it’s your life. Let us hope that his crisis of confidence is quickly resolved and he sees sense. In the meanwhile, young lady, you’ll just have to wait patiently by the phone hoping that it will ring, as so many of our sisters have done ever since the invention of that device.’

‘I like Andy but I’m not so smitten that I’ll be incapable of doing anything else until I hear from him. Now that Dad knows about Clare, I want to get my physical transition started as soon as possible’

---

I rang the hospital in Sunderland during the course of the morning, only to be told that Dad had been discharged about an hour before. I therefore rang his mobile phone and afterwards the landline of our home but got no response from either number. Eventually I rang Vera’s mobile to see if she knew what was happening.

‘Your Dad is going to spend a few days with me, so I can keep an eye on him. He’s asleep at the moment, but maybe you could ring back this evening to have a chat?’

Things certainly seemed to be getting more serious between them. I felt a little sad for my mum’s sake, but on balance I thought it was probably be a good thing, and that it was probably what my mother would have wanted for him.

‘That’s very kind of you, Vera; I’ll feel a lot happier knowing that he isn’t on his own.’

‘It’s no problem, lass. My family have grown up and moved away so I’ve plenty of spare room.

The inclusion of that one word — lass — into her sentence had a profound effect on me. It showed me that she accepted me as I was. Before I knew it, I found myself gossiping away to Vera about her family, my Dad’s health and my job in London in a way that I’d never done before. Tom’s telephone calls had always been short and to the point, whereas as Clare I found myself both able and willing to chat without being conscious of the time. Eventually, after twenty minutes or so, Vera broke in.

‘This call must be costing you a fair packet, Clare. When I talk to my son in Brighton we use something called Messenger which doesn’t cost us anything and you can see one another as well? Can you use it on your computer?’

‘I’ve been using Skype but there’s no reason why I shouldn’t use Messenger as well. I’ll try and get it working this afternoon and so I’ll be able to chat to you both later on.’

‘If you do, I’ll show your father what he needs to do at this end. It’ll be nice for him to see you as well as just talk. It will remind him that he now has a daughter rather than a son.’

‘I can see that you and I are going to become great allies, Vera,’ I said.

‘Well I saw what happened between my son Peter and his father when, when my lad announced that he was gay. It nearly broke the whole family, and I’m sure it brought on my Eric’s heart attack and shortened his life,’ she said sadly.

‘That is sad. I hope that the father and son were reconciled before he died.’

‘Yes they were, but it was all so unnecessary. Peter and his partner make a lovely couple together and have now entered into one of those Civil Partnerships. We have to let our children make their own decisions and live their own lives, just as we did when we were young. I said that to your Dad and told him not to make the same mistakes as my Eric.’

‘Vera, you are a lovely woman, and I’m so glad that you and Dad have become friends.’

I also had a long chat over the phone with Debbie, who was on her own in the office. She had rung me and so on this occasion it was our employers that were paying the phone bill, but I did not feel too guilty as they’d been perfectly happy to let Tom go in spite of his having worked hard for the previous year. Debbie was anxious to know how things had gone for me over the weekend, and was unwilling to wait until I went in to office the next day, including the slightly surprising behavior of Andy at the end.

‘Would you like me to ring him to find out what was wrong?’

‘No thanks. I wouldn’t want to put any pressure on him. It is up to him if he gets in touch with me again.’

‘I realise that but I might make a few discreet enquiries on your behalf among his friends,’

‘Be very careful, he may not want his friends to know that he has been out with a transgendered woman.’

‘I promise be the sole of discretion, and will see what I can discover.’

‘Alright, but now that I’ve told you the full story I expect a detailed account of your weekend and the progress of your love life in return.

‘That’s nearly two hours that you’ve spent on the phone this morning; you really are turning in to a woman,’ commented Suzanne, laughing, when I’d finished both my calls. ‘It must be those pills that you’re taking.’

‘If only that were true, but unfortunately they are only to stop me from becoming any more of a man. I can’t wait until I begin taking the hormones so that I can look and feel like a real woman.’

‘When do you expect to hear from the clinic? ‘

‘I only saw my GP on Friday and so I suspect it may be a week or more. I just hope that they will be willing to accept that I have been happily living as Clare since November and don’t try and keep me waiting for another three months before prescribing me with oestrogen.’

---

Suzanne and I continued to chat together as I made us some soup and a sandwich for our lunch.

‘If you smarten yourself up a little and fix your makeup this afternoon, I could take some photographs of you to send to your Dad,’ she suggested.

‘Are you sure that you’re feeling up to it?’

‘Clare, I’m quite capable of pressing a camera shutter. I can even do that from my wheelchair.’

‘In that case, thank you very much.’

Two hours later we were inspecting the results on the computer that we shared in the living room as my own laptop had been lost in the fire. We were trying to decide which ones would be best to get printed to send to my father.

‘What sort of image are you looking for, Clare?’

‘A sensible and attractive young lady and not too girly,’ I replied.

‘How about that one?’ she said, pointing to the thumbnail of a three quarter head-shot of me in a dark blue dress.

I double clicked on it so that we could look at the image full-sized.

‘Dad said that I reminded him of my mother, when she was my age. I think I can now see what he means.’

‘In that case, she must have been very good looking,’ responded Suzanne.

‘Thank you,’ I said, blushing a little at the thought, but pleased that she had said so. ‘I’ll take the SD card with me tomorrow into work afterwards and arrange to have two or three printed to send to him.’

I just wish my mother could have seen me as Clare,’ I thought to myself sadly.

Although a keen photographer herself, Suzanne didn’t like having her own photograph taken. She did however relent and allowed me to take one photograph of the two of us together, using the timer. As I was copying this on to the computer, I compared it with the photograph that we’d taken together back in November, on the first occasion I’d dressed as Clare. I was quite shocked to see how much her appearance had changed in just over two months as her condition gradually deteriorated.

---

Whilst I was using the computer, I set up Microsoft Messenger and then did the same for Suzanne on the computer in her bedroom, so that we were able to try out the software. Once it was working, I called Vera again and talked her through how to contact and then connect to me online. Eventually I was able to spend ten minutes conversing with my Dad. I was glad that Suzanne had persuaded me to change into a dress and put on more than basic make up for the photographs as I now felt more confident when talking to him.

Dad was no more talkative to me as Clare than he used to be to Tom, but I persevered and he dutifully answered my questions about how he was feeling, what pills he had to take and when he was due to return for an outpatient’s appointment at the hospital.

‘They want me to come in on Monday week, but I told them that I feel fine now that they’ve cleared that blockage.’

‘Good but please take it easy, Dad and do whatever Vera tells you. I don’t want to have to come driving up all that way to visit you in hospital again,’ I said, having just about run out of other things to say and drawing the conversation to a close.

‘Alright but I’ll need to come and see you soon, hinny.’

‘Well, you can’t for the time being, you’ve only just come out of hospital, remember?’

‘I’ve looked up the train times, If I left Sunderland at eight o’clock I could be in London by 11.30. That would give me five or six hours in London, which should be enough time to talk to you.’

‘Can’t we talk over the Internet or by phone?’

‘No, I’ve something that I want to show you.’

‘Well if you want to see me, you’ll have to come down on a Monday, as that is my day off work. Since you have a hospital appointment on the 29th I suggest you can come down on the 5th February,’ I said, hoping that by then he would be fitter and that I would have had my first appointment with the therapist and so I might have something to say to him as well.

‘But that’s three weeks away!’

‘At least I’ll be reasonably happy that you have regained some of your strength by then. Also that way you’ll be able to take advantage of cheap rail fares by booking more than two weeks in advance.’

I thought that the second point would probably carry more weight with him than the first.

‘Alright, I suppose so,’ he replied reluctantly.

‘And promise me that you’ll reserve a seat for yourself both ways, I don’t want you dropping dead from exhaustion on the train.’

‘You know, hinny, you’re beginning to sound just like your mother.’

‘Good!’

---

Not a lot else happened to me during the rest of that week. As usual, I went in to work in full-Clare mode (smart suit, high-heels and immaculate makeup) as dressing elegantly always made me feel more confident when dealing with customers or my colleagues. I also organized the pictures and sent them to Dad care of Vera. I also contacted Dad by Messenger each evening just to check that he was still alright, but tended to end up chatting to Vera rather than him. She was always easy to talk to and often complimented me on what I was wearing. I didn’t hear anything from Andy, and Debbie had not yet received any feedback from her discreet enquiries on the subject. Suzanne’s condition remained much the same. I was on my own in the office on Friday lunchtime, when my mobile phone began to ring.

‘Hi Suzanne’ I said, recognising her ring tone.

‘Hi Clare, I thought I’d let you know that there are two official-looking letters which have just arrived addressed to Tom. One is from the West London Mental Health Trust and the other appears to be from an insurance company.’

‘Oh dear, I wasn’t expecting anything quite so quickly, would you mind opening them for me and telling me what they say please.’

There was a pause, and then a minute later Suzanne came back to the phone.

‘The first one is an appointment for you for next Wednesday afternoon. Will you be able to get the time off work?’

‘I should think so, Karen said they could be quite flexible with my hours. I’ll talk to her later this afternoon.’

I waited for a moment whilst she opened the second envelope.

‘It contains a cheque for  £4,925 made out to Tom Evans, settling his claim in full. That’s the maximum sum except for a  £75.00 excess which they have deducted.’

‘Wow! That’s wonderful news, now I’ll be able to buy myself some clothes of my own so that I can return some of those that I’ve been borrowing from you.’

‘Clare, I’ve already told you that you can keep all the clothes I’ve given to you as I won’t be wearing them again.’

‘Alright then, thank you, but it’ll be nice to be able to choose a few things for myself for a change. Also I’m going to need to get these hair extensions fixed as one came out when I was washing my hair in the shower this morning.’

‘Of course, but don’t be in too much of a hurry to spend all your money, you may decide that there are other things you want to do with it?’

‘What sort of other things?’

‘At least wait until after your appointment. You may find that you need to pay for a course of hormones or perhaps even a boob job!’