This story came to me yesterday morning as I was waking up.

Remember Me

Sept. 23, 2015

It was a bad one.

When the ambulance drove up, there were two cars, a pickup, and an SUV piled and tossed around like a child's blocks. Two police cars and a fire truck were already there and the firemen had already cut a few bodies out of the wreckage. People were standing around with dazed expressions, some with blood on their faces or arms.

"Those over there are already dead. This one's still breathing," one of the firefighters told the EMTs as they got out and walked over. "We've got a few maybes that we're still trying to extract."

Colin and Beth opened the back and pulled out the gurney and it over while Jack knelt over the man and checked him over. "The damage seems to be confined to the legs and lower abdomen. Probably internal organ damage. Let's get him on the gurney and we'll patch him up on the way."

The man was a big guy, with a neatly trimmed full white beard and short white hair around the edges of a mostly bald head. Beth lifted his head while Jack and Colin got his body and legs up and onto the gurney. Together, they got the gurney into the ambulance. Colin headed back to the driver's seat while Jack and Beth got in the back.

The siren seemed to wake the man up. Jack was around the man's lower body trying to control the bleeding as best he could while Beth was putting an IV into his arm and keeping an eye on his breathing, so it was Beth who saw him open his eyes.

"Dying..." he got out. He was obviously having trouble breathing, and his voice was high and almost child-like. She wasn't sure if it was a statement or a question.

"Scared.... So -- scared." He was looking at the ceiling, then noticed Beth. He became more animated.

"Hold me," he gasped, and she noticed his hand moving. She finished setting up the IV, then reached over to his hand and held it.

"Allison," he continued. With the next breath, "call me All--."

Beth managed to restrain herself from saying, "what?" She couldn't imagine why a big man like him would be called Allison. "Allison?" she replied, finally. "Your name is Allison?"

"Inner ... me."

"The inner you is named 'Allison'?" He nodded.

"Allison," she forced herself to say. "We're fighting for you. We'll be at the ER soon."

He shook his head. "Dying." She had to admit that he was probably right, but said nothing. The next labored breath was "hold." She was already holding his hand, so she shook it slightly. His face, already deathly pale, was turning paler, almost grey.

He looked at her, as if really seeing her for the first time. His eyes bored into her, then his face fell. "Tell me ... good."

After a few seconds, Beth filled in the missing words in her mind: 'tell me I'm good.' "You're good, Allison," she said. She couldn't imagine why he was thinking of this at a time like this. The name came a little easier this time.

He looked relieved, even as he labored for breath. "Always wanted ... never...was."

"You always wanted to be good, but never were?" He nodded. She saw tears in his eyes.

As the ambulance took corners, accelerated and decelerated, she silently took it all in. She wanted to pick him up and hold him, that was probably what he actually wished, but he was strapped down. Even holding his head would crimp his trachea and make it impossible to draw even the little breath he was now. Instead, she stroked his head. "Allison, you are good. You were always good." She added, "a good girl."

He smiled at that last. "Thank..."

"You're welcome." She continued to stroke his head and hold his hand and call him "Allison" and tell him how good he was. It felt strange and unprofessional to be talking to a man who must be old enough to be her father as if he were a little girl, but she couldn't bring herself to deny what was in all likelihood his last request.

Suddenly, he looked at her, distressed. "Remember ..." "Rememb ... Allison. Alli ..."

"Remember you as Allison? Yes, I won't forget you, Allison." She added, "Allison, it's going to be all right." She felt bad saying what was probably a lie. She rationalized that if he was religious, maybe "all right" could include dying and going to heaven.

He nodded and relaxed, still laboring to breathe, but looking into her eyes. She continued to look at him and stroke his head and hold his hand and murmur his "inner name" to him and tell him he was good. He was having a harder and harder time drawing a breath. She set up the ventilator with her free hand and pulled out the mask where she could grab it in a hurry.

"I've stopped all the obvious bleeding," said Jack. "But it looks like he might have some internal bleeding. If he can hold out until we get to the ER, they might pull him through."

"Colin, how close are we?" Beth shouted through the window into the cab.

"A few more blocks. I've radioed ahead. They're waiting."

"Tell them he's in shock. Possible internal bleeding. He may arrest at any moment."

Beth noticed that her patient was staring past her. He mumbled something. "What?" she asked. He said something that sounded like a name, but she couldn't make it out.

"We're losing him, Jack."

"Put him on the ventilator." Beth put the mask over his face and held it while Jack checked the man's wrist for a pulse. His chest rose and fell from the pressure of the ventilator, but then he shuddered weakly and was still, except for the rise and fall of his chest from the air forced by the ventilator.

"I think we lost him," said Beth.

"No pulse," said Jack. "So close." The ambulance made another turn and then swerved, stopped, and reversed.

"Tough break," said Jack. "He almost made it."

"I wonder what his name was," mused Beth.

"I guess we'll never know, will we?"

Beth wondered about the unknown man. Had anyone known about "Allison" while he was alive? What was that business about "good"? Who was he inside? She'd never know. Maybe no one would.

They got the gurney out of the ambulance and wheeled it over to the waiting orderlies. A man in scrubs followed them. They stopped briefly while Jack explained things to the doctor. While Jack was busy talking, she reached over and grasped the man's lifeless hand.

"You're good, Allison," she whispered. "I won't forget you."