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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 17 Planning my transition
 

Carol arrived home from work early, soon after 4.30pm, as she’d promised. She looked a little apprehensive as she entered the flat but found both Mum and I talking together in my bedroom in a civilized manner without tears or histrionics.

‘Well that’s a relief! I’m glad to see you are both getting on so well,’ she said. ‘Have you sorted out everything that you need to know now mum?’

Mum sighed.

‘I still don’t entirely understand, but I suppose we’re both alright now that I’ve had a chance to talk to your …’, she hesitated just for a second before continuing, ‘sister.’

I smiled in acknowledgment; Mum continued talking

‘Becky has shown me the card that you left for her, it was a nice thought, even though you both seem to have considered me to be an ogre,’ she continued.

Carol blushed, but I could see she was pleased that I’d shown the card to our mother.

‘It wasn’t that, Mum, we were just anxious that you would be disappointed with my decision.’

She didn’t answer, and it was clear that she was not yet completely reconciled to the change, although at least willing to make some effort to come to terms with the situation.

‘In fact we’ve just decided that we’re all going to spend Christmas together at Brome,’ I added, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

‘That’s a relief,’ Carol said. ‘I wouldn’t have known where to go for Christmas if you two had both insisted on spending it apart from one another. By the way, can you stay the night, tonight Mum?’

‘No, I’m booked to return on the 19.30 train from Liverpool Street, as I have to go into work tomorrow but I’m glad that I made the journey down.’

‘I’m glad you did as well, Mum, thank you for coming,’ I added.

‘If you can’t stay, why don’t we all go to Liverpool Street together now; we should have time for an early dinner in a restaurant before you leave.’

‘Alright then, it will be nice to have a meal with my two daughters.’

Carol looked across at me and smiled. I think we were both feeling relieved.

~o~O~o~

Over dinner Mum at last began to relax a little more in my company and both Carol and I responded accordingly. Mum now knew all there was to know about me and my new job, but it struck me that she did not seem to know much about Carol’s life in London so I steered the conversation in this direction. My sister was reasonably forthcoming but I noticed that she avoided any reference to her friend Geoff, and I certainly wasn’t going to betray her confidence. We in turn asked Mum about how things were in East Anglia and about various people that we knew in the village. We even got on to the subject of discussing clothes and Mum wanted to know where the beautiful dresses had come from which we’d all been wearing in the picture. I’d already told her all about how I’d come to purchase my new wardrobe, but now related the sequel to the story: about the mysterious ‘Pandora’s trunk’ which had been given to me as an afterthought. I did not, however, mention that it had been the opening of that trunk that had finally convinced me what I needed to do.

It occurred to me afterwards how different the conversation would have been, how much less warm and friendly, if it had been Nick rather than Becky who was present. At one point we discussed various members of our family, and Mum wanted to know whether Carol had spoken to our Dad recently, knowing that they still kept in touch with one another.

‘Yes, I talk to him from time to time. Last time I spoke I told him that Nick was staying with me and he expressed a wish to make contact again.’

‘I’m afraid that will no longer be possible,’ I said. ‘The last remains of Nick are now locked away in that trunk in my bedroom.’

‘You could always introduce yourself to him as Becky, I could prepare the way for you,’ she suggested to me.

I avoided responding to her suggestion, other than a curt ‘maybe’ as I wasn’t sure what I felt about that idea. Instead I sought to change the subject.

‘Will Aunt Jill and Uncle Derek and their family be coming on Christmas day Mum?’

‘Yes, I imagine so, it is my turn to have them over this year.’

‘In that case I’d better ask Lucy to explain the situation regarding myself to them, so they will have plenty of time to get used to the idea,’ I said.

‘Yes, I suppose so,’ she answered, now resigned to the seemingly inevitable fact that the news of my transition could not be limited to our immediate family.

After dinner, Carol and I saw Mum on to the train.

‘Thanks for coming today, Mum, I’ll see you in a few weeks,’ I said, this time not being afraid to give her a kiss on the cheek. ‘I’ll ring you as usual on Sunday afternoon, and from now on I promise to be open with you about what I am doing.’

‘Goodbye then …’ there was just the merest hesitation before she completed her sentence — ‘Becky.’

I smiled and looked away, struggling to prevent tears coming to my eyes.

‘Look after your sister for me,’ said Mum to Carol.

‘Don’t worry, I will,’ said Carol, smiling.

‘I will too,’ I added to Mum.

We waited until her train had left the station before making our way to the Underground.

‘I don’t think you could have expected that to have gone much better,’ commented Carol.

‘I suppose not,’ I replied, ‘but she still isn’t entirely reconciled.’

‘Just give her a little time to get used to the idea. By the way Becky, whilst you were in the ladies, Mum asked me if I knew whether you had a boyfriend or not,’ said Carol.

I sighed.

‘I’d assumed that would be the first question she asked you. I trust you re-assured her that I didn’t,’ I replied.

‘Yes and no,’ she answered. ‘I said that as far as I knew there was nobody on the horizon, but it would probably just be a matter of time before someone asked you out, given the way that you looked these days’.

‘What was her reaction to that?’ I asked, blushing slightly.

‘She just sighed and said, ‘oh well, what will be, will be’,’ said Carol.

‘Those are my feelings too,’ I said.

‘By the way, what happened to that guy who asked you out at the club a few days ago?’

‘I haven’t seen him since; I think he may have been embarrassed that I turned him down for a second time,’ I said.

‘So why did you turn him down?’

‘I’m not sure. I must admit that I was tempted but I’m still unsure of myself and how I would react if I went on a date with someone.’

Carol smiled.

‘I suppose that’s one of the advantages about being a woman, you’re not expected to take the initiative in these matters. You just have to wait and see what happens and then decide whether or not you want to take it any further,’ she answered.

‘I don’t think he is likely to ask me again, I said.

‘You never know’, she added. ‘If you do see him you will need to make a particular effort to notice and be nice to him and try and find a way of indicating that your situation is different now’.

‘We’ll see.’

‘At least you won’t be able to hide behind the excuse that you have nothing to wear anymore; you now have a more extensive female wardrobe than I do.’

It was now my turn to smile.

‘I guess so.’

I tried to think about a way to change the subject from men and going out on dates.

‘You said that you have spoken to Dad recently, how is he these days?’

‘He’s fine, he has remarried and now has two grown-up step children with children of their own, so he is a step-grandfather.’

‘I’m glad, for his sake. After all, he is not likely to be getting too many grandchildren from the two of us.’

‘No, I suppose not,’ said Carol, rather sadly.

For the first time I realised that this might be a source of regret for my sister, whom I’d always assumed had everything she wanted out of life. There was a moment of quiet before she spoke again.

‘You might consider the possibility of contacting him again; I’m sure he would welcome it.’

‘Even as Becky?’ I asked, somewhat surprised.

Carol thought for a moment before replying.

‘Yes, even as Becky’

‘I’ll think about it,’ I replied, unsure what to think.

~o~O~o~

As soon as I got home I rang Lucy to give her a long and detailed account of everything that had happened during my interview with Mum. I also gave her my permission to break the news of my transition and new life to her parents and her brother.

‘Once they know, it won’t be long before the news gets round the rest of the family and also maybe to others in the area. Are you sure you want it generally known?’

‘Yes, I realise that it isn’t likely to remain secret for long, but as I said to you, there will be no going back for me now.’

‘As you wish.’

Carol had been watching television in the same room whilst I spoke to Lucy.

‘If Aunt Jill and Uncle Derek are going to know, don’t you think that Dad should be told as well, before he hears from another source,’ she said as I put the phone down.

‘Alright, the next time that you speak to him you might just tell him that he now has a second daughter, and see how he reacts.’ I said. ‘If he doesn’t like it; then so be it.’

‘I’ll let you know how he takes the news,’ said Carol.

~o~O~o~

It was over a week since I’d first opened, and then resealed Pandora’s trunk, which now had pride of place in the bay window of my bedroom. During this time it had taken on the role of a talisman for me: something to give me confidence and to protect me from harm. I knew that as long as it remained in my possession and sealed I would be able to stand up to any opposition to my quest to become the woman I needed to be. It also gave me the inspiration to make relatively small changes to my living environment to reflect who I now was. Carol’s chosen décor for her flat could hardly be described as masculine, but it was somewhat Spartan and lacking a woman’s touch — perhaps a reflection of her focus on her work rather than her home. My recent window shopping expedition with Lucy, inspired me to go out spend some of my earnings on soft furnishings, bedding and new curtains to make my bedroom a little more feminine and comfortable - to reflect my new personality. When Carol saw what I’d done she expressed her approval and invited me to come up with some suggestions to improve the other rooms in the flat, at her expense, over the next few weeks. I promised to do so and to enlist Lucy’s help as soon as she had some free time.

~o~O~o~

My colleague Susie and I met up, as planned, in a coffee bar for an hour before we both started work on the Friday afternoon after Mum’s visit. She was three or four years older than me and pretty convincing as a woman, except for a slightly angular chin and the merest trace of an Adam’s Apple. Her breasts, however, were a work of art, entirely her own and the result of having taken female hormones for nearly three years. She liked to wear low cut tops to show them off. Strictly speaking, she was still physically a man, although on the waiting list for her SRS and simultaneously saving every penny she could raise to fund some facial feminization plastic surgery to remove those lingering traces of her former life. She was the most reserved among the female impersonators that worked at the club, but I’d always admired her because she seemed more of a true woman than others.

‘So, Becky, what can I do for you?’ she asked as we took our coffee to a table.

‘I want to become a real woman, like you, and not just be a drag queen.’

My response didn’t seem to surprise her.

‘Are you quite sure about that?’

She was looking straight into my eyes.

‘Yes, I’m absolutely sure. I’ve known this all my life, although I’ve only recently had the courage to admit it to myself.’

‘I suspected so. Although you have not been with us for long, it struck me from the outset that you were different from the others; that being a woman seemed to go to the heart of your being.’

I felt pleased that she’d noticed.

‘I’d thought the same about you,’ I replied.

She smiled, and I knew that from now onwards there would be a bond of friendship between us.

’So what steps have you taken so far, other than having secured a job in the club?’

‘I’ve told my family, acquired a female wardrobe and disposed of all the evidence of my former life. I won’t ever be going back.

‘Have you spoken to a doctor yet?’

‘No, that is going to be my next step.’

‘Alright, but don’t leave it for too long. You’re quite fortunate that the testosterone in your body has not yet done any damage to your appearance, as it was doing to me before I started taking blockers. However, it will do so unless you take some action to stop it.’

‘I was hoping that you might be able to put me in touch with a sympathetic doctor.’

‘I can certainly do that, but I should warn you there may be a delay if you are going as a National Health patient. You might consider taking testosterone blockers whilst you are waiting for an appointment. They won’t do you any harm or start any irreversible changes if you only take them for a few weeks. I’ve been taking them for several years now, and I’m no longer capable of having an erection or fathering children, but as far as I’m concerned that is a good thing and the sooner I get rid of it altogether the better.’

‘Where would I get these testosterone blockers from?’

She took a couple of foil sheets out of her bag and handed them to me.

‘You can take these over the next fortnight to get you started. I have built up a surplus over the years. I can also tell you how to get hold of some more without any questions being asked.’

I took them from her and popped one pill into my mouth to show I was serious.

‘What about female hormones?’

‘You can obtain oestrogen on the black market but you would be best advised to take it under medical supervision. It is difficult to get the dose exactly right; there would be unnecessary delays if you take too little and unpleasant side effects if you took too much. Also you will get quicker results if you begin the regime with hormone injections.’

‘Will your doctor prescribe them to me.’

‘I would imagine so, but only after you have been assessed by a clinical psychologist. You’ll first need to go to your G.P. and ask for a referral. However, from what I’ve seen of you over the last few weeks, I don’t think you will have too many difficulties in convincing a therapist that you are suffering from Gender Identity Disorder. Then it will be just a question of waiting your turn, unless of course you can afford to go as a private patient.’

‘No, I’m afraid that would be out of the question for me.’

‘In that case, Becky my dear, you’ll probably have to remain living and working as you are for a while, but you do make a very convincing young woman.’

‘Thanks, but now that I have taken the decision I am anxious to proceed as quickly as I can.’

Susie sighed, ‘I know, I felt just the same myself’.

She then changed the subject.

‘How have your family reacted to the news?’

‘I think my sister has come to terms with the situation, but it all came as quite a shock to my mother. I now wish that I’d spelled out to her how I felt as soon as I was able to do so.’

‘What about your father?’

‘I’m not sure whether he knows about me or not, but I haven’t seen him in several years.’

‘I told both my parents and my brothers that I wanted to be, or should have been born a girl many times during the course of my childhood, but nobody would ever believe me. I was told not to be silly and that I would soon grow out of it. But of course I never did. The feelings just got stronger as time went on,’ said Suzie rather sadly.

‘That must have been frustrating for you. How do they feel about you now?’

‘I suspect that my parents are still in denial about me, even though I now have these boobs. They’ve reluctantly accepted me and call me Susie but hang on to the vain believe that one day I’ll come to my senses. I suspect that they will do so until I turn up one day without a penis. I hope that then, at least, they will realise that I always knew what was right for me.’

‘It is difficult when those whom we love are unable to understand how we feel,’ I said, gently touching her hand to show my sympathy.

This was a small gesture that Nick would never have made, but seemed quite natural to me now.

We then moved on to discussing the official side of Susie’s transition. How she had gone about changing the gender on various documents, and how in due course she would register her change of gender. It was then time for us to start work.

‘Thanks so much, Susie, this talk has really been helpful to me.’

‘Anything to help a sister on her journey towards womanhood,’ she replied.

We embraced; not in the exaggerated and affected manner that our colleagues sometimes adopted, with air kisses, but rather in a genuine display of mutual solidarity.

‘I hope you are soon able to complete your own journey,’ I said

‘Me too; it will have been a long one, but well worth it. I hope to see you at the other end.’