Your writing shows your emotional distress. I offer my sympathy. But, there is a brighter future. Consider the enormous progress in GLBT acceptance in the last decade. Perhaps, with time your family will accept you for who you are.

I want to cry when I read other people's blogs, and there are times I want to scream and yell, and then there are times I want to hug. I do not know which it is this time. I know this much, I am sad for you.

Gwen, who are you? I think this is more than who do you see yourself as ... boy/girl or woman/man or neither. Rather, who are you, as in are you healthy and emotionally strong. Is your relationship with your family one that if all support is taken away will stand on its own, or will it fall over? Think of it as an "H" or an "A" relationship. In an H relationship, two people give and it is somewhat equal. When you take away the emotional structure of the relationship the "-" part of the H, each individual will still stand on their own. They will not fall down. Look at the "A" relationship, and take away the emotional structure of the relationship, each person, or at least one person will fall down.

Who are you? Who am I? Who is your son? Who is my son? Who is family? Who is a friend? Who is a taker? So many flows impact you (and each one of us). First and foremost ... who am I. I am a person who has undergone so much therapy that at one point I broke down and cried in my therapist's office because I was so exhausted of being there and seeing her. I saw my therapist 84 times last year, more the year before and more the year before that. I tried suicide 5 times, was committed 7 times, and at one point was almost committed for an entire year. (That was a really dark time of my life). I could not provide any structure or support in my life. I was an insecure person and would do anything, be anyone to have someone or something in my life. It was horrible. I attracted the worse of people, only those that cared for themselves, and nothing for others. They stole from me, they almost destroyed me. Thank goodness my therapist saw something inside me worth working toward. I am in awe of her strength of not walking away. I was an "A" type person, and it was horrible. And then, something happened ... a whisper, a gift, a touch, perhaps growth, or all of above. I started to heal, I began to depend upon myself and not others, I stopped trying to please others, and started to focus on myself. I realized if I truly wanted to give of myself, I had to give to myself first. I had to be independent of others. Not alone, but separate. Not selfish, but healthy.

In this process of healing, I began to realize much of what happened to me, I allowed to happen. I put myself in danger. I did so much to me. Mind you, others still had to do evil things to me, but I had to allow or be complacent in many actions. I did not know I did these things, I just assumed that when people hurt me, humiliated me, or worse ... that it meant I was loved (as my family taught me). Sad no. Hence the struggle to find myself. The horrible years that I could not find my foundation and balance. And the gifts. Very wonderful gifts. As I started to heal, my "friends" tried to keep me down and I tried to pull them up ... and neither worked. I can only be true to me, I can only heal me, and I can only save me. I had to say goodbye to 5 years, and of my entire past of relationships that meant nothing to anyone but me. Yes I gave of self, and yes I gave in time. However, I had nothing to show for that effort. The other side in this case gave nothing, and when I walked away I wanted my "pound of flesh". I became them in some ways. In my despair I "saw" what I was becoming and turned my back to what I could have become and walked toward a gentle and giving presence. This turning of myself opened up a new (or forgotten) pathway and a start of a fresh journey. I look at my past and I see so much of who and what happened in my life. I wanted to cry and pity me, and then ... and then I realized I am in a healthy place, safe from my past. I had a choice and it was not/is not one to be ashamed of. I can be me, and all that entails, or I can return into the pit I just climbed out of. I like the me, and who I am becoming. So I metaphorically turned myself to the unknown and trusted in what and who I am becoming and where I am. What shocked me is that I turned around to see how far I have walked since then, and that even though I have walked miles, that pit is still very close to me. Not so close that I can fall into it, but close enough that if I am not true to who I am I can be drawn back into it.

So why do I share this with you? It certainly is not because I want to remember any of it. It certainly is not for pity or shame. It is not for praise or glory (there is none). Why Gwen? Breath Gwen. Look into a mirror Gwen. Relax and breath, do not focus your eyes, and yet look at yourself. Breath my sister and gently look at yourself, look at your feet, look around your feet, and relax. Where are you Gwen. Where is your pit my sister. Feel my gift, feel the gift of my gift, relax, and see you. See who you are. See where you are in your life journey.

I suggest that you can only be true to yourself Gwen. If others cannot accept that person and who that person is ... why should you change yourself to fit their idea, their image of you. Equally, why should they change themselves for you. All you can hope for is ... are they strong enough to accept who you are right now. Equally, are you strong enough to accept their acceptance or rejection of you. Do you stay with what your are comfortable with? Or do you let go of your past, accept who you are and journey onward.

This is not about compassion, it is not about healthy or unhealthy love or gifts to others. This is about you and not being shackled by others (or yourself). This is not selfish either. This is .... Who are YOU!? If people and religion had a choice ... they would elect to chain you to certain images and standards. This is about you and God (male and/or female). This not about anyone else. So relax, breath, and be true to you and God. Feel and understand.

Please realize there are many first steps (how can that be? A first means it can only happen once, and while physically that is true, spiritually that is not so) and stumbles, sometimes we even commit actions and cannot explain why, and yet they turn out to be true to self and our journey. So ... Who are you Gwen. Are you happy with yourself. Relax and breath. Feel around you and you will realize you are not alone. Breath and look, but do not stare. Relax and see. Be you. Be true to you.

And finally, if this upsets anyone I am sorry I have upset you. With that said, this is not about Gwen or me, or anyone. This is about hope, love and a sad child (or two). This is about a journey and the insights
gained from that journey. This is not about judgment, or righteousness. This is about trying to help and reaching out in friendship to show what can happen if you loose yourself. I was blessed. I was given a second chance. This is about a second chance for many of us ...

Gwen ... do not hide, just accept the past as the past. It cannot be changed. It is immoveable. The present, that is different.

So ... I take a deep breath and pray what I "gifted" finds you. Smile.