(13) If you can’t touch me you can’t hurt me

We all build walls around ourselves to keep safe from the bumps and knocks

This is a fan-fiction set on Terahnar the world created by L.E. Modesitt for his Imager series. I have no rights to any of it and don’t claim to. I just wanted to see what a story about a MTF transgender person set in the time just after Rex Regis consolidated Lydar into Solidar would be like.

Thank you Anne for your editorial comments and help with making this story readable.

“Joli, send a stone from the basket so that it hits me right here,” Desyrk said and tapped the center of his chest.

I didn’t want to hurt him so I sort of image-lobbed it at him.

It bounced off of something I couldn’t see, about an arms length from his body and dropped to the floor.

“A little harder please,” he said with a smile.

I focused on sending a rock at him like it had come from a sling!

The same thing happened, except the rock rebounded and the bounced around the room.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“We call it an imager shield,” he said. “I imagine that there is an invisible mesh like wall between me and whatever might hurt me.

“Let’s see if you can create a shield and I’ll test it by pressing on it with my shield.”

I thought about a blanket made of gauze and there was one, right in front of me but Desyrk easily knocked it down and mentioned that it wasn’t invisible.

Eventually he had me create a solid wall and then make it invisible and then make it strong enough to resist his pressing on it with his shield.

After what seemed like forever of creating and recreating shield after shield, I felt as though I had run laps around the wall.

“That’s enough for today. I want you to listen to what I’m about to tell you: only create a shield when you are outside, not in any room; especially your room. If you were to try it in your room you could kill yourself.

“Feel how much cooler the air is right here near us? That’s because imaging uses the heat that is found all around us including in living things that are near us. At the battle of Viaraina, the Commander of imagers froze over 50,000 soldiers plus every one in the Chateau of the ruler. He also wrapped the entire Chateau in an alabaster stone so hard it cannot be chipped or scratched. The river Aluse had ice flows a foot thick and every bush, tree and shrub for a half mille south of the Chateau was frozen and turned to dust. The more powerful the imaging, the more heat it takes and uses.”

I now understood more clearly what Major Volytr meant when he told me that the more powerful I became, the greater the danger I represented to myself and to others.

After two more weeks of work I was able to create shields that could stop a knife or an arrow coming toward me.

“You have made a good start on imager shields, now watch closely,” said Desyrk and he vanished from my sight and after a short time he just as quickly reappeared. “That’s a concealment or invisibility shield. Its very similar to a protective shield but you concentrate on becoming invisible behind the shield. You try it.”

I first created a protective shield then I focused on becoming invisible.

“Is it working?” I asked

“Who said that!” said Desyrk with a laugh, turning his head from side to side as if looking for the origin of the voice.

That gave me an idea. I was still invisible and I focused on my voice coming from across the room, as if I had moved.

“This is really neat,” I imaged projected my voice.

When Desyrk turned toward the spot where my voice apparently came from, I released my shields and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hey! That’s a pretty good trick! I’ll have to use it some time,” he laughed.

Two afternoons a week we had cooking class. I was the fourth girl in the class and the only imager. The others were kitchen trainees who had all been cooking from the time they were little. I was fortunate that maman had insisted that I learn my way around the stove along with my older sister so I wasn’t that much further behind than anyone else. The classes were held in the small kitchen in the women’s residence hall. The kitchen was a room on the first floor at one end of the hall that went from one side of the hall to the other.

The first classes focused on basic food preparation such as knife skills, the uses and characteristics of various pots, pans, skillets, grills, and on and on. I didn’t know there were so many things to cook in. We had classes on various types of meat, then vegetables and on and on. We ended each session by cooking our evening meal and eating it in the parlor next to the kitchen.

I was happy to find that Jynen was the instructor for one of the sessions each week. She was so helpful and patient with me and most times we would sit together to eat the meal I had prepared. It was so nice to talk with her about our families as well as the ways to cook different types of food.

Her family lived in the village of Westisle. Her parents had a chandlery and her brothers were sailors. She was the baby and the only girl so she was used to being around men and learned from a very young age how to get her way with a smile or pout. Talking with her was so nice. It reminded me of talking with my sisters and mother.

As my classroom studies caused me to spend more and more time reading and writing papers so I started taking a tray of food to my room so that I could eat and work at the same time. About the second time Jynen was instructing and I took a tray to my room, she asked, “mind if I join you?”

“Not at all but I have some reading to do so I may not be much company.”

“That’s alright. I just like sharing meals with you,” she said and smiled.

We talked about what I was studying and what she was doing in the kitchen. It helped me with my studies when I had to explain what I was trying to learn.

“Talking to you really helps me because if I can explain it to you, I know I understand it, but if I can’t explain it, I need to study more. Do I help you at all?”

“Yes, when we talk about what we cooked, I learn what I’ve been able to explain to you and the others, and what I need to do a better job explaining.”

“I really like your smile, especially when it reaches your eyes,” she said during one of our meals together.

“I like being with you, so smiling is easy,” I said.

“I have this Solayi off, would you like to come have a meal with my parents? We can walk there, it’s not very far.”

“Yes I’d love to, but I have ask Major Volytr and be back here before curfew.”

“That’s fine, because I have to be back and ready to work the first meal shift starting next week. We can leave after I finish the morning meal and have time to see the sights of Westisle village,” she said with a small smile.

The next day, at the end of my morning session with Major Volytr I asked if I could visit Jynen’s family in the village Solyai.

“As long as you are not traveling alone and return before curfew, I think that would be good for you.”

When he said that, I wanted to hug him.

Jynen’s kitchen duty schedule ended at 3rd bell in the afternoon, but I had sessions until 6th bell so I was more than a little anxious to tell her I could go with her. I went first to the parlor to see if she was there and headed for her room when one of the girls in the parlor said that she had just left.

I tapped on her door and called, “Jynen I’ve got some good news.”

She opened the door and invited me in and I saw that she was in her nightshirt.

“I’m sorry to keep you up but Major Volytr gave me permission to visit your family Solayi, but I have to be back by curfew.”

“Why don’t you come into bed with me,” she said with a smile.

“I can’t sleep with you and it’s not because I don’t want to.”

“What is it then?”

“Remember I told you that I imaged a candle in my sleep? Well what if I had a bad dream and I did some imaging that hurt you? I don’t want to take the chance.”

“Well what if we don’t sleep?”

After a glass or so I went back to my room. I felt I was floating down the hall but I didn’t check to see if my feet were actually touching the floor.

I dropped off to sleep thinking about walking with Jynen into the Village of Westisle. We were walking down a street and suddenly thee were three men running towards us yelling “get them!” I needed a wall to keep the men from attacking us and then there was one, across the sidewalk and street.

I sat up and opened my eyes and realized that I was in my room and had been dreaming. My heart was pounding and my breath came in little gasps. I took deep breaths and got up, walked around the room several times until my heart stopped racing. I lit a candle and went to my desk to do some assigned reading and eventually my mind settled enough to get back to sleep.

I was two years younger than Jynen. Her hair was white-blond. She was just a little taller than I was and a little heaver because of the muscles she had developed working in the kitchen. Her black eyes looked like dark gems against her hair. They seemed to sparkle as she talked about the ships, the sea, and the village as we walked together along the harbor. I realized that I was both happier and calmer than I had been in a long time. The last time I could recall being this happy was before I was sent away from home. As we walked, I reached over and squeezed Jynen’s hand.

“It has been a very long time since I’ve been this happy,” I said “and you are the reason for it.”

She blushed and said, “I’m so glad. I want you to be happy. Remember I told you I like to see you smile.”

We walked and held hands until she pulled me to a stop and said, “That’s the chandlery, the “Sea Chest”.”

The three-story building faced the harbor and had a painting of a chest with rope and tackle spilling out and the words SEA CHEST in an arch above the chest.

As we entered the store, a voice called, “Jynen, you’re here early, Maman is upstairs,” a thin man said, from behind the counter at the rear of the large room filled with all sorts of things used on a ship and supplies that sailors would need.

“Papa, this is Joli. I told you about her and here she is, the only female imager on Westisle,” as she said, this she seemed to be as proud as if she was showing off a prized pony.

“It is very nice to meet you Factor,” I said.

“Please call me Gerydn,” he said, “now go on upstairs and let your Maman know you are here or she will think I’ve lashed you to a mast.”

I looked around and noticed that there were several large wooden posts supporting the ceiling and recognized them as sections of masts like the ones on the ship I had sailed in.

We climbed the stairs onto a landing and through double doors into a parlor. We went through the parlor into a kitchen where a dark haired version of Jynen was coming around a large table in the middle of the room.

“What have you brought home, little Jyn?” she called.

“This is Joli, the imager I told you about.”

“It’s nice to meet you Mistress," I said.

“Don’t call me Mistress, call me Andyrn,” she said.

“What an impressive kitchen you have, Andyrn. I can see where Jynen learned how to cook such wonderful meals,” I said.

“Jyn, you and Joli go get washed up and come help me prepare the meal.”

As we helped we talked about what had been happening around Westisle and with her brothers, then we talked about what Jynen was learning and doing at the Collegium. Finally we got around to me and I told the tale of my trip to the Collegium. The food was ready to eat when I finished the story of my travels so Andyrn asked, “Joli, please go down and ask Gerydn if he would close up shop and help us enjoy this wonderful meal.”

After helping with the cleanup from the meal, I thanked both Gerydn and Andyrn for their hospitality and promised to return soon. Jynen guided me along a return route that went along a ridge above the village that had a wonderful view of the harbor and Llantiago across the gulf. We stopped at a spot with a stone bench and sat to enjoy the sunset and mood rise.

“I need to tell you something important and I want you to listen to everything before saying anything,” she turned and said to me.

“I have been attracted to you from the first time I meet you. As I examined my feelings I realized that I’m in love with you. I know that you enjoy my company and I hope me telling you this won’t drive you away from me.”

“Oh Jynen, I’ve been in love with you from the night we kissed,” I said as I hugged her and felt her tears on my neck. We kissed and held on to each other until well after the setting sun gave way to night.

I had been at the Collegium for about 8 months and was wondering if I would spend the rest of my life on Westisle and inside its walls. The day trip to visit Jynen’s family was wonderful, but I was still on the island.

I moved into nicer quarters after I helped create the extension to the apartment building for female staff and now also a single female imager with room for several more. Two senior imagers came to Westisle from Image Isle at L’Excelsis, the capital of Solidar to help design and supervise the construction. They had done the same thing for the buildings at Image Isle so they were well prepared to help us improve our quarters and other buildings for imagers’ training and work.

They put all the imagers to work remodeling and constructing buildings. This gave us all a chance to work on creating rather than just putting holes and blades in targets. It was nice to know that I had a significant part in helping make special places for any female imagers who might come to us.

“Look closely at this model,” said Under Captain Baelthm, as he touched a wall on the model. “I want you to create a wall just like that over there on the foundation we made the other day. See how the walls blend into the foundation. I want you to make the wall thick enough to fill the space between the chalk marks as well.”

“Concentrate on using the stones from the supply pile to make the wall and draw power from the heat of the fire we started in the pit over there. Take your time and make sure the image is perfectly clear in your mind.”

I felt slightly dizzy and there was a real life-sized wall standing on the foundation.
“That’s very good. Now focus on the size of the window in relation to the wall and make it just like it is on the model.”

Bit by bit all of us junior imagers worked to create the new buildings and modifications to the existing buildings, from walls and doors down to tables, chairs, beds and other furnishings. It was tiring at first but became easier as the weeks went on.

“Well Joli, I want to tell you that you have officially become an imager trainee level one or primus. This means that you will now be getting a silver every week. It also means that you will be allowed to leave the Westisle for short times, with an escort,” said Major Voltyr at the end of one of our sessions after we had completed the construction projects.

I felt like the door to a large pen had been opened. Getting additional silvers would be nice, but I didn’t have any idea just what having that number of coins actually meant.

”This next Samedi we will be going into LLantiago to see about increasing your wardrobe, said Mistress Holyswryth at the end of our session. “Would you like someone else to accompany us?”

“Yes, if Jynen is free I’d like to invite her to come with us,” I replied.

“I thought you might suggest that she come with us so I've already asked and she has agreed. I think it would be good to have a younger person’s perspective when purchasing clothes for you. We will be leaving at 7th bell so that we can catch the morning ferry and we will come back on the night boat that leaves Llantiago at 7th bell. That should give us enough time to shop and perhaps time to see a little of the reconstruction of the city center.”

I had to remember to see the paymaster tonight to collect my silvers that had been accumulating in my account. Mistress had not asked me how I was going to pay for my clothes so I had to ask, “I don’t know if I have enough silvers to buy many clothes. How much do you think I will need?

“If you want to buy some special items, like jewelry or scarves, I think you will have sufficient funds. The Collegium will pay for the clothes that you will be expected to wear while doing imager business.” I was amazed.

“What sort of imager business would require that I have special clothes?”

“Major Volytr ad I have need talking and we think that having a young woman imager could be vary advantageous. No one would expect that a young girl was also an imager and that could be quite an advantage in some circumstances. However dresses all in gray is a giveaway, so we are going to outfit you in some clothes that meet the imager requirements of having gray in them, just not the military type outfit male imagers wear. So tomorrow we will get a few things, dresses, blouses, skirts, jackets and such that you can mix and match to make several different outfits.”

I couldn’t wait to talk to Jynen, so after the afternoon shift finished with the evening meal, I waited a half glass then tapped on her door.

When she opened the door, I closed it behind me and hugged her, “How long have you known about our trip?”

“Mistress Holyswryth asked me yesterday.”

“I’m so happy to get out off this island and so happy that you are coming with me.”

I couldn’t help it, I kissed her lips as we held each other. I felt our bodies press together and felt her hands on my back and then gently caressing my bottom.

“My,” she said, “somebody has a nice set of firm buns.”

“All it takes is a few laps around the wall path every other day.” I said.

“I don’t have time for that so I’ll just have to enjoy feeling yours.”

We held each other for a little longer until she said, “I know you have to get up before dawn and I’m so tired I can barely stand, so I think we had better say good night.”

I would have liked to stay with her longer, but she was correct and I went back to my room and to my studies.

We were on the first ferry of the day at 7th bell on Samedi. The wind was blowing steady from not quite behind the boat. I was wearing a dark gray split skirt, and short jacket, over a light gray blouse. I had lace up black boots that had a small heel. Jynen was wearing a sea blue dress, with a dark blue coat and white boots, Mistress Holyswryth had a wine red skirt, a cream blouse and dark green coat with dark brown boots. We all had our coins in pouches under our coats in a pocket or on a belt.

“Ladies, I suggest that we visit a seamstress first thing so that we will have plenty of time to shop after the fitting,” said Misstress Holyswryth.

“That sounds wondeful,” I said, “I’ve never seen a seamstress do a fitting. Do you mind if I watch?”

“You should have a good view of the process because you are the one having the fitting,” she replied. “That’s the only way you will be able to have the wardrobe the Major and I have in mind.”

“You are a special imager. As far as Major Volytr knows, you are 2nd female imager who has come to the Collegium and he has indicated that you will need to have the knowledge and social skills to deal with wealthy landowners and factors. This means that on occasion you will be in their presence and will need to be dressed appropriately.”

We hired a hack to take us to a small shop in the hills above the city center where they were rebuilding.

“Hello Lyli. It’s good to see you again,” said the woman who greeted us as we entered the shop.

I looked around to see who might be behind us, and heard Mistress Holyswryth say, “Myrdth, it is good to see you again too. I’d like to introduce you to Joli D’ Imager and Jynen D’Cusine. We are here to have young Joli measured for several outfits.”

We were directed into a room in the rear of the shop and I was told to remove my clothes down to my underwear. The next two quints of a glass were spent measuring me every-which-way and recording the measurements in a book. The rest of the glass was spent looking at bits of cloth and drawings of dresses, skirts, coats and other items of clothes that I never knew existed.

The next stop was a store full of shoes. Shoes of all sorts of colors and styles: shoes that you could wear to a dance; shoes you could wear to work in the garden; shoes for morning and afternoon and night. There must have been a shoe for any activity from getting up in the morning until you took your feet out of a pair of shoes and put them under the covers. Of course we all had our favorites: I really liked a black pair that only had a strap across the back and digit high heel; Mistress Holyswryth kept wearing a shoe with an open back and a higher heel in dark blue; Jynen’s favorite was a sandal style in tan leather.

“Ladies, we will leave our purchases here and retrieve them when we return to the ferry this evening,” said Mistress Holyswryth. “Lets find a place to sit and eat lunch.”

We walked a few blocks and found a café that had an interesting menu and tables on a patio away from the public pathways. I think Jynen especially enjoyed not having anything to do with the meal.

“Joli, do you recall the family you stayed with before you came to Weatisle?” asked Mistress Holyswryth.

“Yes, it was Nilynn Havgrove, a produce factor. They were very kind to me. They let me ride with them for two days and then Nilynn brought me to Under Captain Desyrk who took me to Westisle,” I said.

“Let’s see how far it is to his factorage and if it isn’t too far, we can visit him if you want?” she said.

“That would be wonderful,” I beamed.

Mistress Holyswryth waved at a passing hack and asked if he knew of a produce factor named Nilynn Havgrove.

“Aye, Mistress I know of it. Its’ about a ride of a quint from here,” he said.

About a quint later we entered the door under the sign “Havgrove Produce Factorage” and walked to the counter at the back.

“Can I assist you ladies?” Nilynn asked.

“Nilynn, don’t you recognize me?” I asked.

“Joli? Is that you in all that gray?” he replied. “Wait here, I’ll call Mylinco and Mixy,” he told us, and we could hear him call up the stairs that they should come see who is here.

“Look at you,” Mylinco said “all dressed up and neat as a pin.”

Both she and Mixy swept over and wrapped me in a big hug. Tears came to my eyes; I hadn’t realized how much I missed them.

I pulled apart from them and introduced Mistress Holyswryth and Jynen.

“Please call me Lyli,” Mistress Holyswryth said. “I wanted to meet the family that helped our young imager out when she was lost in the woods and to tell them how happy we are that she is part of our family.”

I was both amazed and pleased at what she said.

“We have been leading her through a strenuous course of study that has stressed her mind, body and spirit and she has done everything we’ve asked with a cheerful disposition.”

“We knew she was special, finding her where we did and then when she disarmed the footpads; well we were lucky she was with us,” said Nylinn.

We stayed to have tea with cheese, fruit and small cakes and a lot of talking about what was going on both in LLantiago and across this new land.

We took another hack to retrieve our purchases.

We were walking from the seamstress shop, where I had to put on one of the unfinished dresses, then stand on a small box while adjustments were made to make it fit me. We agreed to a schedule for the delivery of my new clothes and Mistress Holyswryth signed a bill so that the seamstress could get paid.

As we were walking to the shoe store three men came out of a side street and blocked the walkway.

“Aren’t you ladies in luck! We have just what you need,” said the one in the middle.

He was the biggest of the three and had the same style canvas pants I had seen the sailors wear on the ship I had been on.

“Young man, for your own good I suggest that you stumble back down that alley you just came from,” said Mistress Holyswryth.

“Oh I think I know what best for me and my mates. Why don’t you girls show us what you have wrapped up under all those clothes,” he said as they came toward us.

I imaged an invisible wall in front of us and they hit it and bounced back. I was also thrown to the ground by the force of the impact. They needed to be in a cell with bars on the window, so I focused and then there they were. The stone walls were only a little taller then the biggest man and just wide enough for the three of them to stand side-by-side.

I was light headed and was glad I was still sitting on the stone walkway because I felt too weak to stand.

“What is going on?” came from a man running down the road toward us and now blowing a whistle. As he got closer I could see that he was wearing some kind of uniform.

“We were being attacked by these ruffians,” said Mistress Holyswryth and she pointed at the men in the cell who were staring through a small window and yelling about what they were going to do when they got free.

“How did they get into that place and where did it come from?” asked the patroller.

“As I said, they were attacking us. We were on our way to take the evening ferry to Westisle when these men stopped us and demanded sexual favors and threatened us with harm if we didn’t comply. When they came toward us, Joli D’Image, here,” and she pointed to me, I was still seated on the road, “first made some type of barrier in between us. They hit it and were knocked back on their bums. They got to their feet and started to come at us again. That’s when Joli put them in that stone box. If it had been me, I wouldn’t have given the box any windows.”

“Why were you ladies here?”

“We have been shopping today. We came over on the ferry this morning and were on our way back to the ferry”

“Well, I’m sorry you had a run in with this scum. Wait just a moment and my partner will accompany you to the ferry.”

He looked closer at the cell and the men who had settled down.

“How are we going to get them out of there?”

“I can create a door if you want,” I offered.

“Wait until some more patrollers arrive to help me with these idiots,” the patroller said.

It took half a glass for the extra patrollers to show up and then I imaged a space in the wall that enlarged the small window into a doorway. The sailors came out, still protesting, and began struggling with the patrollers. They were quickly knocked to the street and had their hands tired behind them and then they were roped together.

“What are we going to do with that stone hut?” asked the senior patroller who had come to oversee the commotion.

“I can make it go away, if you want,” I said.

“A little thing like you?”

I concentrated and the stone cell was gone and I grabbed Jynen’s arm for support. A cold breeze washed over us.

The patrollers looked at each other with their mouths hanging open.

“If she can do that to a stone cell, you idiots are lucky she didn’t make you disappear altogether,” said the senior patroller.

“Yrurt, escort these ladies to the ferry.”

The young patroller walked with us first to the shoe store then riding in a hack with us to the dock where the ferry to Westisle was loading and saw us safely on board.

On the ship back to Westisle talked about our new cloths, the shopping, the fiting and Mixy’s family. We didn’t talk about the ruffians and what I did to them at all.

When we got to our residence hall, Mistress Holyswryth, said good night to us and Jynen said, “Can I come with you to your room? I want to talk to you about something.”

As soon as we were in my room and the door closed, Jynen wrapped her arms around me and planted a passionate kiss on my lips. She took me by surprise, but quickly my arms went around her and I started returning the kiss from my side. It was a while before we separated our lips enough to talk.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while,” she said.

“I’ve been wanting you to do that for a while,” I said.

“I was so afraid when those men jumped out at us. Then they just fell on their bums and you fell down and then they were trapped in that stone room. I was so glad and scared at the same time.”

“How did you know to put them in that stone room?”

“I didn’t think about it, I just knew that when they started to get up and come at us after they ran into my invisible wall, I had to put them somewhere they couldn’t get to us to hurt us.”

“I’m so happy you were there and proud of you,” she said and kissed me again.

“You know I’m in love with you and I don’t even care if you love me. Just please let me be part of your life.”

“I do love you very much and as long as we are here on the isle, we can be together.”

When I said those words I knew that I had made a decision that would affect both of us for the rest of our lives.