Sydney Moya

(c)2014-All rights reserved

Jan has struggled with her gender identity all her life and has finally decided to take a path leading to being a woman. She must inform her loved ones though and it won't be easy. This is her story

Chapter 1

“Janie you can’t do this, think of what it’ll do to Mum and Dad and Oupa. You’ll kill them with shock,” she implored her 21 year old brother.

Jan sighed, “I thought you’d at least understand,” he remarked.

“I do, honestly but getting a sex-change is crazy! Get a psychologist to help you out with this,” responded June.

“I did June. The minute I got to the States I went to three and they all said the same thing, I have a female brain and there’s nothing for it but for me to live as a girl. I lived as a girl for three years, went on hormones, grew my hair out and I felt normal like a real person,” explained Jan.

June looked taken aback, “You did what?”

“I lived as a girl throughout college. I took oestrogen and I’ve never felt happier okay! I only came back here because it’s what Mum and Dad want, I’ve tried to live as a guy but it’s made me miserable and I can’t do it anymore,” confessed Jan.

Seeing the disbelieving look on June’s face Jan went to a drawer and after s short search retrieved a photo album and handed it to June. The older sibling accepted it and paged through it and her mouth fell open at the pictures it held. There was no mistaking who the pretty blonde girl in the album was.

“Goodness, Jan,” she murmured completely taken aback. Her brother looked beautiful with hair that swept past the shoulders.

“I’d rather be called Jenny,” remarked Jan in a very high pitched voice that made June stare at him.

“Ever since I was small I’ve known I wasn’t a boy and it’s been driving me crazy. In the States I was so happy because my dream came true but because Mum and Dad have so many hopes here for me as their son I had to give it up. In the six months I’ve been here I’ve tried to be a guy and it’s made me sick. I need to be a girl forever,” explained Jenny.

June was at a loss for words. She knew her little brother had never been like other boys and she loved him for it but had had no idea of Jan’s overwhelming desire to be female and it shocked her.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone but I can’t live a lie anymore,” continued Jenny softly.

June sat there, reliving that morning’s events beginning with the phone call Jan had made asking her to come over urgently and then the bombshell, “I’m going to get a sex-change,” Jan had said.

“You’re what?” remarked June in reply, stunned.

“I’m going to be a girl completely. I’m going to get surgery to make a woman,” Jan had insisted.

June’s mouth had fallen open, she was that shocked.

“You’re joking right?” she’d finally said, trying to smile and hoping she was right but Jan had shook her head slowly.

“I’m dead serious sis and I’m going to tell everyone else this week,” she’d replied which is when the angry tears had come.

The two siblings sat there, a long awkward silence between them. It was a while before June said something; she was still taken aback by June’s words and couldn’t find words to express the emotions running riot in her heart.

“When are you going to tell them?” she finally asked.

“On Wednesday,” said Jenny quietly.

“How do you think they’ll take it?” queried June.

“Badly I guess, I just don’t know but it’s something I have to do,” responded Jenny in a tired voice.

June shook her head and looked at her watch. She felt an urgent need to escape this person in front of her, the sibling who’d suddenly become a stranger and to be alone to ponder on everything that she’d heard.

“I have to go,” she said quickly.

“Oh, okay,” said Jenny as June stood up.

“See you at home then,” said June as she headed out of the flat.

“Bye.”

Later both of them recalled that they hadn’t hugged each other on separation as per custom.

“You look so thin honey,” remarked Rachel Wolhuter when her youngest child, Jan arrived at the family home three days later, “I know bachelors live out of tins. Just look at you. You’re as thin as a rake. You should never have moved out,” she finished as she hugged Jan.

“Or maybe your Grandpa’s over working you. You don’t look too well,” she continued, looking into Jan’s face worriedly her voice losing its initial lightheartedness and becoming more serious.

“Nonsense,” said Willem Wolhuter, Jan’s father, “he looks well to me and your father’s easing him in gently,” he added before pouring out another drink for the new arrival.

Jan caught June’s eye for a second before June looked away.

“You would tell me if anything was wrong right Janie,” said Mrs Wolhuter softly.

“Yes Ma,” responded Jan quietly.

“That’s my boy,” she said with a smile before shepherding Jan into the lounge and telling her favourite child all about her new outfits and the big dinner she planned for her cousin’s anniversary.

Dinner was the same as it had always been, sumptuous and full of questions from Rachel as to what her family was doing before she told them about her plans for a garden party for her cousin’s birthday in the coming weeks. Both her kids played along as though they knew this was the calm before the storm. June and Jan kept avoiding meeting each other’s eyes preferring to stare into their plates.

“I have something to tell all of you,” announced Jan at the end of the meal.

“Sure what is it?” said Rachel fondly.

“Yes what is it son,” added Willem while the expression on June’s face implored Jan to change her mind.

“How do I explain this?” began Jan uncertainly, “It’s so hard to explain,” she added quietly.

“You’re not in a court of law my boy, just get it off your chest,” urged Willem in his hearty voice.

“Is it serious?” queried Rachel, her voice tinged with worry.

Jan nodded, “I, I,” she stammered nervously, “I’m very depressed and unhappy with my life and the direction it’s taking right now. I feel like I’m living a lie.”

‘No Jan. Please don’t do this,’ pleaded June in her heart.

“How so?” asked Rachel after a moment’s silence.

“I feel like I’m living a lie,” repeated Jan unhappily, “like I’m being someone I’m not supposed to be,” continued Jan.

“Oh you’re probably just burnt out, maybe we have been overworking you,” replied Willem, “take some time off and travel or something,” he added in a well-meaning fatherly tone.

“It’s not that,” said Jan shaking her head, “this isn’t about my job it’s about identity, the person I want to be, right now I’m not that person and it’s driving me nuts. I feel like I was meant to be a woman not a man,” confessed Jan.

They all looked at her in shocked silence.

Jan went on, “I want to live my life as a girl and I want to get surgery to make a woman,” she added solemnly.

“You want what?” exclaimed Willem, his voice booming across the room.

“Are you crazy?” he continued irately.

‘This is exactly what I was afraid of,’ thought Jan with a mental sigh.

She tried to remain composed and calm.

“I’m not crazy Pa. I just have this condition known as gender dysphoria whereby my body’s gender isn’t the as that of my brain. Simply put I have felt I was a girl trapped in male body and it’s tearing me apart. I can’t stand it anymore and that’s where the surgery comes in,” she explained calmly.

“I’ve been taking hormones since I was 15 and they’ve changed my body completely. I have breasts and hips, no body hair and I’ve never developed facial hair and my voice never broke. I lived as a girl throughout my stay in the US and I saw three doctors who all agree that mentally I’m female. I can’t lie to myself anymore and I won’t, I intend to start living as a woman full time and to get surgery,” she ended.

The silence that greeted this statement was deafening, they all looked at her with varying expressions playing on their features. Willem looked disgusted while Rachel looked at her with pity filled eyes. June just looked away afraid of what her parents reaction would be.

“Why?” Rachel whispered helplessly.

“I don’t know Ma. I just feel this way every day and it’s destroying me,” responded Jan sadly.

“You think altering your body’s going to make you happy or that you’ll be a real woman?” queried Rachel.

She sounded very doubtful.

“It’ll give me peace of mind,” said Jan.

“Supposing it doesn’t and you’ve gone in too far,” remarked Willem doing his best to sound calm.

“I want to spend the rest of my life as a woman. I’m more than certain I won’t ever stop feeling this way,” replied Jan with a quiet conviction.

“Damn it man what kind of a life would that be?” asked Willem, very upset.

“Whose wife do you think you’ll be?” he added furiously.

“It’s not about being anyone’s wife Pa; it’s about being comfortable in my own body. I don’t want to go through life feeling like this,” responded Jan emotionally.

“You won’t be a real woman Jan,” said Rachel.

Jan just looked at her family; they simply couldn’t or wouldn’t get her point of view.

“I guess this means I can’t count on your support,” she finally said.

“The hell you won’t. If you go ahead with this foolishness you can consider yourself cut out from this family. No son of mine can do such nonsense. I won’t have it,” declared Willem bluntly pointing a finger at Jan.

Jan’s heart broke, though she’d prepared herself for the worst. She turned to her mother.

“Mum is this how you feel too?” she asked.

“Jan, please don’t do this. If you’re unhappy we can sort out something, counselling and therapy, not this. Don’t disgrace yourself or your family,” Rachel pled.

Saddened by these words Jan stood up,

“I can’t go on living a lie,” she told them before heading out.

“Jan,” her mother called.

“Leave him alone, he’ll come to his senses,” said Willem quietly but Jan stood up and followed her sibling to the door.

“Hey wait,” she called out as Jan reached her car.

“What?” asked Jan softly.

“That’s exactly what I’d like to know. You heard Dad, what are you going to do now?” June queried very anxiously.

“I’m going to go ahead. I’d have loved their support but if they can’t give it I won’t force them to give it,” said Jan simply with a quiet assurance that shook June’s conviction about her sibling’s sanity.

“But he’ll disown you,” she said.

“I know but I can’t live my life for him. I’ve never felt male and I never will and I won’t force myself to be someone I’m not,” responded Jan quietly.

“You’ll destroy the family Jan,” said June in a sad voice.

For the first time that evening tears coursed down Jan’s cheeks.

“That’s not my intention and that’s why I came back from America but it’s not working June. Two weeks ago I desperately wanted to jump out of my window because I can’t go on as a guy okay, either way I’m screwed so let me follow my heart,” said Jan as she cried.

June felt her heart break as she heard this; she reached for her sister and embraced her.

To be continued