Tina: Saturday 16th February 10pm

It's over and it's all my fault! Jenny and Pam warned me and I ignored their advice. How could I have been so stupid?

The evening started so well. Paul invited me to have dinner at his place this evening. He assured me he had developed into quite a reasonable cook since having to fend for himself, and the meal he produced showed he was right. He cooked a delicious filet mignon with vegetables, washed down with a nice cabernet sauvignon. Perhaps that's where I went wrong. I didn't have that much to drink, but perhaps it was just enough to loosen my inhibitions a little. After a delicious sorbet, we sat together on the couch. Soft music was playing and it all felt so romantic. I realise now I was sending out signals and Paul responded to them.

We began kissing, first gently and then deeply. I felt Paul’s hand on my breast and it felt good. I'm sure he could feel my nipple respond to his touch. I started running my fingers over his chest and then unbuttoned his shirt so that I could stroke his skin. What was I thinking? All I was thinking at the time was it felt so good. When I first realised his hand was on my leg the significance didn't at first occur to me until it dawned on me that he was slowly moving his hand up under my dress. The realisation struck me like a wet sponge and I pulled away from him.

“Oh I'm sorry Tina, I didn't realise,” he said, and it occurred to me that he thought I was having my period.

“No it's not that,” I said and he looked puzzled. I cursed my stupidity. I could have bought myself some time, but now it was too late.

“What is it then?” he asked. What could I say? There was nothing for it but to tell him the truth. I took a deep breath and began to speak.

“Paul, there's something I have to tell you,” I began. He listened in silence as I told him the whole story, right from my early childhood when I knew I had been born in the wrong body, right up to now when I was well on the way, but not yet completely transitioned to my true sex.

When I finally finished, he sat there in silence, a silence I felt compelled to fill.

“Paul, I was going to tell you, I really was. I was just waiting for the right time.”

“And when would that 'right time' have been?” he said flatly.

“I don't know,” I said and I was crying now. “You are a wonderful man and I have loved every minute of the time I've spent with you. I was scared about how you would take it. I didn't intend to deceive you, I really didn't.”

“Who else knows about you?” he asked.

“Apart from my doctors, only Pam and Jenny.”

“So they're in on this too!” he said bitterly. “How they must have laughed at me.”

“No! Please Paul, it's not their fault. They warned me not to get involved with any man, at least not until I finish my treatment, and even then I'd have to tell any man I became close to.”

He was sitting apart from me now. I longed for him to take me in his arms again, and say everything was alright, but I knew it wouldn't happen.

“I think you should go home now,” he said slowly. He didn't even sound angry, just incredibly sad as though I had shattered everything between us and of course I had.

I got up slowly, slipped on my shoes and found my coat and handbag.

“I'm sorry, truly I am,” I said, but he was just staring into the distance and didn't reply. I walked to the door, hoping against hope that he would call me back, but he didn't, so I walked out into the night and then the tears really started.

Jenny: Sunday 17th February 2am

People don't knock on your door at 11 o'clock at night, so I said, “Who is it?” before I opened the door.

“It's Tina,” was the reply. The moment I opened the door it was obvious that something was very wrong, and it didn't require much female intuition to guess what. Tina stood there, a picture of misery, her eyes red and mascara streaks on her cheeks.

She said, “I'm sorry to turn up at this time, but I couldn't face going home.”

I led her into the lounge room and sat her down on the couch. Thank goodness Eddie had an early shift the following morning, so he was already in bed.

“I'll make us some tea,” I said, “then you can tell me all about it.” I'm a great believer in the restorative power of a hot cup of tea.

So it was that, cupping her hands around the teacup, she told me the whole story of what happened this evening,

“It's all my fault,” she sobbed.”I love him, and I thought he would understand, but he doesn't. You warned me and I was so stupid and ignored what you said, and now I've lost him forever.”

What could I say? She's probably right. It takes a very special type of man to accept that the woman he has been dating is transgendered. I actually thought that Paul was that special type of man, but maybe I was wrong, or was it just him reacting to the shock of Tina's revelation? All I could do was hold her as her body shook with her sobs. I believed her when she said she was in love with him, and that was going to make things even more difficult. Finally, when her sobbing eased, I said “I want you to stay here tonight, alright?”

“Can I?” she said, and she looked like a little girl, “I don't want to go home on my own, just for tonight.”

I had no intention of letting her go home. The state she was in, who knows what she might have done. I took her hand and led her into the spare bedroom. I found a nightie for her and helped her undress, and then tucked her up in bed just as if she was a child. I sat with her for a few minutes and in that short time she was fast asleep, totally worn out by the day's events.

When I went into our bedroom, Eddie stirred and said, “Were you talking to someone?”

“It's Tina,” I said “She's staying here tonight.”

“Alright,” he said, turning over and going back to sleep without asking any more questions. He's sometimes infuriating, but it's moments like this that I realise how much I love my man!

If only I could have gone to sleep, but I couldn't help thinking about Tina and what had happened. I've known her for about two years now and it was pure chance that we met. It happened when I called in see my sister Penny at the transgender clinic where she worked then. We'd only just arrived in town as Eddie had been transferred from interstate. We'd rented a house temporarily, settled the kids into a new school, and now I was starting on the quest to find somewhere permanent to live. Penny and I were supposed to be going out to lunch but the clinic was frantically busy, so I sat down in the waiting room, the only genetic female there I suppose, and the person I sat next to was Tina. Some of the other patients there were rather obviously male in appearance, but even then, Tina looked totally feminine. Even her voice sounded female, and that gives a lot of transgendered women away. We seemed to click right away and got talking. She thought I was another patient and complimented me on how feminine I looked, and we both had a laugh when I explained who I was.

“Your sister is lovely,” she said, “So caring and understanding.”

Just then Penny came over and said, “I'm sorry Tina, the doctor will be at least another hour, it's just been crazy here today.”

Turning to me she said, “Sorry Jenny I don't think there's a chance for me to get away today.”

I don't know what made me do it, but on impulse I said to Tina, “How about we go to the cafe I noticed on my way in and grab a coffee?”

“I'd love that,” she replied, so that's what we did. She wanted to talk, and I was curious and interested because she was the first transgendered woman I'd ever talked to. Like so many people I didn't really understand the difference between transvestites and transgendered women until Penny started working in the clinic and explained the difference to me. Tina told me her life story - how she'd felt different from as long as she could remember, but kept it a secret, even from her parents. She had never even dressed as a woman until she had moved out of her parents' home and rented a flat of her own, and that confirmed in her own mind who she really wanted to be, because it was obvious to her that just dressing as a woman was never going to be enough. Sadly, both her parents were dead now, but had left her very little money as they rented their house, and as she had been an only child, she was on her own. I could sense the loneliness in her and realised that making friends at this stage of her transitioning would have been very difficult.

Tina also told me that she was a nurse. In fact, she'd done her training before she had started to transition. She'd decided to resign from the hospital where she worked, but when she explained her decision to the Director of Nursing, she gave Tina an excellent reference and contacted her counterpart at another hospital who kindly allowed her to start working there as a female.

When we finally went back to the clinic, it didn't seem right to just say goodbye since I felt we were becoming friends, so we exchanged phone numbers, and a week later we met for lunch. We're about the same size, and during the course of our conversation it turned out that she didn't have many clothes, so I invited her to come home with me since I had quite a few dresses, skirts and tops that I no longer wore and so I asked her if she would be interested in having them. She jumped at the chance, and we had a pleasant afternoon going through my wardrobe, and I must say I thought Tina looked better in my clothes than I did. It even occurred to me that perhaps I wasn't taking enough care with my own dressing, since pulling on a pair of tracksuit pants and a top is always the easy option, but not particularly feminine.

We spent so much time that afternoon, that before I realised it Eddie had arrived home from work and I held my breath in case he 'read' Tina, but no, he just assumed that she was a woman friend. I think Tina had an anxious moment too, and felt she had passed another milestone when Eddie accepted her as a woman without a second thought.

Tina's been saving very hard to complete her transition with reassignment surgery and that's scheduled to occur in about a month. She's learned so much about being a woman, even in the time I've known her, and perhaps Pam and I have been able to help her in that regard. I don't think she ever intended to get involved with a man until Paul came along, and of course both Pam and I warned her about becoming too involved with anyone, while at the same time thinking that some interaction with men would be good for her as part of her education in living as a woman. Now, sadly, it seemed her first experience had gone horribly wrong and there was nothing we could do about it.

I really must try to get some sleep. Perhaps things will look brighter in the morning.

Paul: Sunday 17th February 3am

It's no good — I just can't get to sleep. I still can't believe it — well I suppose I can believe it because Tina wouldn't have told me if it wasn't true. I had absolutely no idea! I keep going over and over everything that's happened in the past month and there was never any suggestion that she wasn't anything other than a regular woman. If anything, she's more feminine than many women I've met. I've only once seen her wear pants, she always prefers dresses and skirts. Was that a clue? If it doesn't sound crazy, was she too feminine? It's funny but I can't think of her as anything but 'she', even though I know now it's not strictly true.

I'd fallen in love with her. It even crossed my mind that I might eventually ask her to marry me. Thank goodness I got to learn the truth. At least no-one else knows apart from her doctors and Jenny and Pam. I'm sure Eddie doesn't know, he'd never be able to keep that to himself. Well, I'm going to keep it to myself too. I wish I could get to sleep. I've got work in the morning.

Tina: Monday 18th February 10pm

When I woke up this morning for a moment I couldn't think where I was. Then I saw Jenny sitting patiently beside the bed and all the memories of yesterday came flooding back and a tear formed in my eye. Jenny smiled at me and said “Good morning, Tina. You were totally exhausted last night so I let you sleep as long as you needed.”

It was then that I gasped and said, “What time is it? I'm due at work at nine o'clock.”

Jenny replied “It's alright. I've rung and told them you aren't well and won't be in today. I'm sure they can manage.”

I'm sure she's right. We all tend to think of ourselves as indispensable, but it's not true of course. Just then the telephone rang, and Jenny went to the kitchen to answer it. I couldn't hear what was said, but when she came back, she said “That was Paul. He was worried about you, so I reassured him you had stayed the night with us. I think he must have rung your apartment. He asked if he should speak to you, but I told him that that might not be a good idea and he seemed relieved at that.”

“Oh Jenny, what should I do?” I asked her. I was on the point of crying again.

“What you should do is carry on with getting ready for your surgery and being the best woman, in fact the best person you can possibly be.” was her reply. “What's happened is very sad of course, but you just have to write it off to experience.”

Jenny is so wise. There is nothing else I can do. I've made a mistake and now I have to live with it. Paul is a lovely man, but he can't cope with who I am, and I can understand that. In time he will find someone else, and he deserves that. Perhaps I will find someone in the future as well, but for now I have to concentrate on my treatment, just as Jenny says.

Paul: Monday 19th February 11pm

I rang Tina's apartment this morning at 9am. She didn't answer and I wasn't sure if she had gone to work. I started to worry so I rang Jenny, and she told me Tina was there. I asked if I should speak to her and was rather relieved when she said it wasn't a good idea. I'm such a coward sometimes, but I really didn't know what I would have said to her. It was all my fault what happened, but it's a pity she didn't tell me about herself before. We could still have been friends I think, but it's gone too far for that.

To be continued.