Paul: Sunday 14th April 9am

I feel so ashamed of myself. I've tried to forget Tina, but I can't. Several times walking down the street I thought I saw her, but it was just someone who looked a bit like her. I'd like to ring her and find out how she is, but I don't feel I can.

Last night I went to a brothel. There! I've admitted it to myself. I still don't really understand why. Was I trying to prove that I'm a heterosexual man, despite the fact I can't get Tina out of my head? That's hardly the way to do it. It cost me quite a lot of money too. The girl Tracey was quite nice, she was pretty too, but when it came to the crunch, I just couldn't go ahead with it. I actually apologised to her.

The moment I came out of the shower, wearing only a towel, I knew that I shouldn't be there. Tracey asked what was wrong and was it my first time at a brothel? I said, 'Yes it was', so she set about trying to 'encourage' my interest but all to no avail. Finally she suggested that perhaps I would like a break and a cup of tea and went to fetch one for each of us. I suspect she thought that if I relaxed, then things might go better.

In retrospect it must have looked funny. There was me dressed in a bathrobe, and her in a diaphanous robe that did little to conceal her black lingerie and stockings, and we were sitting in two easy chairs and drinking tea together! Anyway, suddenly I found myself telling her everything about me and Tina. It was actually a relief to finally talk to someone about it. She wasn't judgmental. In fact, she asked me what I intended to do about it, and of course I had to say that I didn't know. How I couldn't contact her now after the way I had treated her.

“Did you come here because falling in love with a transgendered woman made you feel less of a man?” she asked.

I know I flushed at that because it was true.

“But you can't forget her,” she said, “So what do you think that means?”

“It means that I still care about her.” I replied, and the realisation hit me like a bolt of lightning.

“Well, I would have said your feelings are much stronger than that,” she remarked. Then with that perception which all women have she went on “So I was right. You've come here because you wanted to affirm your masculinity.” She went on, “I think you've made a fundamental mistake about Tina. She is a woman you know, just as much as I am, and she always has been. She just had a bit of a plumbing problem before, and now you tell me even that is being fixed.”

I felt so embarrassed. She was right of course in everything she said. A proper man would not have felt that his masculinity was threatened by Tina's physical past. Of course she is a woman and always has been. Why has it taken me so long to realise that? I'm learning a lot about myself.

In the end I got dressed and came home after what turned out to be a rather expensive therapy session. It certainly taught me some things about myself, but I still don't feel that I can contact Tina. I've misunderstood her so much, I'd feel too embarrassed to talk to her now, even if she'd be prepared to talk to me.

Jenny: Tuesday 21st May 10pm

I ran into Paul today. It's been months since I've seen him of course, and it happened quite by chance. I was out shopping and stopped to look at one of those tables of cheap DVD's outside a shop. Most are rubbish of course, but occasionally I find I can pick up a gem amongst the dross. I became aware that someone else was also scanning the table and looking up I saw it was Paul.

“Oh hello Paul, how are you?” I said.

“Oh fine,” he replied, but I had a sense this was not strictly true. He had lost weight and he had an air of sadness about him.

“And how are you?” he said, and I replied that I was fine, knowing what would come next.

“And Tina, how is she?” he said after a slight hesitation.

“She's fine. She's completed her treatment and she's really good,” I said.

“Oh good, good,” he responded. I felt that he wanted to say more but didn't know if he should. Finally, he said “Well, it's been good to see you again.” A pause, then “Please give my regards to Tina.” That came out in a rush.

“I will,” I promised, and we parted ways. I felt sorry for him. He obviously still has feelings for Tina, but has he come to terms with who she is? I certainly wasn't going to tell him that she was coming round to tea tonight.

I came home and started to cook the tea which was a simple casserole. That gave me plenty of time to have a shower and change. I selected a new dress I bought a couple of weeks back in a lovely peach satin material and put on stockings and some four inch heels that matched the colour of the dress. After I had put on my make-up and fixed my hair, I did a twirl in front of the mirror, quite pleased with how I looked.

When Tina rang the doorbell this evening and I opened the door, she looked gorgeous as usual. She has certainly developed an amazing fashion sense and always wears a pretty dress when she goes out in the evening. In fact, without ever saying anything she has had quite an effect on me. I guess like so many women who have married and had a couple of children, I had rather let things slide in my presentation, preferring comfort to fashion. In turn this had led to things sliding in the bedroom department. It's not that Eddie and I are never intimate, but it had become rather routine. In fact, there was one day when Tina came round, looking like a fashion plate as usual, and I couldn't help noticing the way that Eddie looked at her. It was then I realised that he used to look at me that way but hadn't for quite some time.

'OK girl, it's time you got things together again,' I said to myself. I wasn't worried that Eddie would actually try it on with Tina, and I knew she would never do anything to betray our friendship, it was just that she took the trouble to look pretty and feminine and that's what men like to see in a woman, and why wouldn't they? Well, the upshot was that I started to do a bit of shopping, buying a few nice skirts and dresses, and wearing them in preference to the tracksuit pants that had become rather a fixture in my dressing. I also bought some rather sexy lingerie and started wearing stockings again. The net result was that my husband started to lust after me again and what wife doesn't want that? Things definitely improved in the bedroom department, so I had a lot to thank Tina for.

“Hello Jenny,” said Tina, “My, that's a lovely dress. Is it new?” I told her that it was and complimented her on her dress too. If she's noticed that I am taking more care with my appearance, she's been too polite to say anything.

Eddie made an effort too, wearing his grey pants, a white shirt and tie, so we were quite a glamorous threesome as we sat down to dinner.

During the evening, when Tina and I were alone in the kitchen putting away the dishes I said to her “I ran into Paul today, well not literally of course!”

“Oh!” said Tina, and she coloured slightly “And how was he?”

“He seemed alright, but I think he's lost weight,” I replied. “He asked after you of course and sends his regards.”

“Oh.” said Tina again. What is it about love that makes people so tongue-tied? I debated whether I should say more. It's a difficult situation. I wonder if she has been out on any dates since breaking up with Paul, but I suspected she hasn't.

I could easily have said, 'I think you still love Paul and I'm sure he loves you, so why don't you meet and sort things out?' The thing is, love between two people is a very personal thing and there is a line which even a good friend shouldn't step over, so in the end I said nothing. I hope I made the right decision.

Tina: Tuesday 21st May 11pm

I had dinner with Jenny and Eddie this evening. It's so sweet of them to ask me around. I have had them round for a meal at my place of course. Jenny looked very pretty in her new dress. It's a peach coloured satin and really suits her. She seems to be taking more care with her appearance lately which is good. I couldn't say anything of course, but she didn't seem to be bothering too much until recently. I debated with myself whether to say anything, but thought it was better not to.

I'm not saying it of Jenny in particular, but I've noticed that some women, particularly the married ones, only seem to dress for comfort in jeans or 'trackie-daks', and I'm sure their husbands would prefer to see them in dresses more often. I wonder if it's because they always had the option to wear what they wanted that they don't appreciate the choices they have the way women like me do? Perhaps having experienced life from the point of view of both sexes, we transgendered women understand better how men see things, and even if they say nothing, how they like their women to appear pretty and feminine.

Anyway, Jenny told me she had met Paul and he'd asked after me. I'm sure I blushed at hearing his name. Why does he still have that effect on me after all this time, and especially when I think of the way we broke up? He's never tried to contact me, so obviously he has no feelings for me anymore, if indeed he ever really had. No, that's not fair. I'm sure he did have feelings for me before he knew who I really was. Why do I think about him so often? I wish I didn't, but all sorts of things cause him to pop into my head. I should be mad with him because a really nice male nurse at the hospital asked me out recently and I told him I was sorry, but I already had a boyfriend. That's not true of course, so why did I say it?

To be continued