"So what’s going on?" she said, with a half smile. "You look happy."

"I’m in love!" I gushed. "I’m in love!"

"Really?" she said drily. "Tell me all about it."

"Why do you have be such a buzz kill? I’m in love and happy. That bothers you."

"No, it doesn’t, Brian," she said with a sigh. "If you’re in love, I’m happy for you. I’m just curious. Tell me about him."

"His name’s Kenny. He was my surprise. He’s a lawyer in Paris. He’s my usher at the wedding. He’s adorable and he’s gay."

"And he’s OK with Jessica?"

"He understands it’s only until the wedding."

"Oh yes, that’s right," she said, rolling her eyes. "It stops after that. I forgot."

"Oh god, that again. Despite what you and Lisa think, it’s over June 25."

"Of course," she said, writing something on a pad. "That’s why he understands."

"Yes, that’s why."

"So, he had a problem with you?"

I stared at the ground. "With Jessica. Initially, I suppose. But we cleared it up."

"Hmmm. What happened? Start from the beginning."

"Why? It’s all good now," I said defensively.

"So it wasn’t good at the start?"

"Thursday night, Lisa told me that I’d get my surprise Friday night, and that I should wear my LBD..."

"Your LBD?"

"Little Black Dress, sorry. I assumed you’d know what I meant."

"I did. I just find the term interesting." I glared. "Sorry, keep going."

"Anyway, so I get dressed and then Kenny comes over, and we start flirting. He’s a Met fan too."

"That’s terrific. Did he know you were a man?"

"No," I said, defensive yet again. "Not initially."

"So he thought he was flirting with a woman?"

"You’d have to ask him."

"So, when did he find out?"

"We were walking to the restaurant. York Grill on 90th and York. If you haven’t been there, you should go. It’s..." I started to jabber really quickly.

"Keep to the story."

"Anyway, Lisa and Jim conspired to leave us alone. And then he told me he’s gay."

"And you said."

"I told him I was too. At first, he didn’t believe me, but then Jim confirmed it."

"And he was OK with that?"

"No. Not really," I said, crumpling a tissue in my hands. "He got...kind of...upset."

"Meaning?"

"He called me a drag queen and a pre-op. Said...never mind."

"What did he say?" she demanded.

"Said guys like me made him sick."

"Guys like you? And what did you do?"

"I called him a closet case, and told him that I was doing this for Lisa."

"Why did you feel the need to justify yourself?"

"I wasn’t justifying. I was telling him the truth."

"Why do you care if he knows?"

"Because."

"Why?"

"Because, I don’t want to be stereotyped like that. Besides, he should know this wasn’t my choice."

"Everyday, Lisa comes upstairs and forces you to dress like this." I was wearing a white blouse, my black pencil skirt and 3" black Manolo slingbacks. I don’t know why, but slingbacks made me feel powerful. Something about clicking heels on pavement and the open back.

"You know the answer to that."

"And I bet if I go outside, she’s standing there with a gun. Let me call 911."

"I get your point," I said, looking at my nails. "This is until the wedding though, that’s it."

"If you say so. Back to Kenny, how do we get from name calling to love? Did he apologize after you told him the story?"

"Not immediately, no."

"What did he say?"

"He..uh...said, ‘that’s some story’. Then we had a fight, and I slapped him."

"And yet you went to the restaurant anyway? Why?"

"Jim and Lisa were waiting."

"Oh," she said theatrically. "Jim and Lisa were waiting. And you couldn’t call her. I mean, your cell phone doesn’t work. Nor does hers. And the restaurant has no phone..."

"He bet me his firm’s skybox at Shea that I was lying."

"Come on, Brian," she said, exasperatedly.

"I don’t know..." I started to sniffle. "I didn’t want to do that to Lisa and Jim."

"Do what? Leave them there? Why?"

"She’s my friend."

"Is she?"

"Are we back on that again?"

"Let’s see. She has you dress like this for four months. Yells at you when you flirt..."

"She didn’t want me to get beat up."

"Right. Then, she sets up you for a surprise, that turns out to be more of an ambush..."

"She didn’t know."

"Really? Do you think she thought Kenny would appreciate Jessica?"

"I don’t know that she thought."

"Oh, so that it makes it better. What did you do in the restaurant?"

"I told her off in the bathroom. Told her that she made me into a freak that no one would want."

"Interesting choice of words. Do you feel like a freak?"

"We’ve been covering that."

"When do you feel more freakish? Now or as Brian?"

"You make Brian sound like a different person. I’m Brian. Jessica’s a role."

"So, you’re a Method actor?"

"I don’t follow."

"You haven’t come as Brian in months."

"So?"

"If it were a role, you’d be out of costume most of the time."

"Let’s not go there..."

"That’s an interesting way you’re sitting." I looked down and saw myself sitting with my legs tucked under me. "Very feminine." I immediately dropped my legs down and sat with my legs spread. I felt very uncomfortable. "It’s OK. Sit how you feel comfortable."

"I feel very uncomfortable right now, regardless," I snarled. I sat with my legs crossed at the ankles. I know, I know. Really masculine.

"Please don’t. So tell me what happened next. Did you leave the restaurant?"

"No. We went to the table."

"Why?"

"To, uh, eat?"

"Why didn’t you leave?"

"I was there already."

"Lisa humiliates you and you stay."

"She didn’t do it on purpose."

"But, you were upset and angry and hurt. And yet you stayed. Why do you think you did that?"

"I don’t know..."

"Think about it."

"I don’t know...I guess I felt like I should. Like if I left, Kenny would win."

"And how does he lose by you staying?"

"Like he had to suffer with me all night."

"Do you think he felt that way?"

"I don’t know. I suppose not. He was so sure of himself."

"So you stayed to make someone suffer who viewed you as a joke, and you also stayed for a friend who put you up to it?"

"What’s your point?’

"And now you tell me you’re in love with the guy who viewed you as a joke? I’m a little confused."

"Let me tell the story," I said, twirling my hair on my finger. I related how Kenny confronted Jim and Lisa, and how Lisa told him off.

"Interesting."

"What do you mean now?"

"Lisa’s defense sounds forced, like she was convincing herself."

"What would be an appropriate response, Julia?" I said sarcastically. "She defends me and that’s not enough. She knocks him down and that’s not enough. So please tell me what an appropriate response is."

"Fair enough. It’s just an opinion. Did he apologize then?"

"Sort of."

"I’m waiting for love to strike and I haven’t heard anything resembling the conditions for it."

"Ha ha."

"What did he say then?"

"Said guys like me made it hard for ‘regular’ guys like him..." I said, in a half-whisper, half-whimper.

"Brian, Brian, Brian. Why did you stay then?"

"I dunno. I guess Jim helped."

"Jim?" she said, seeming genuinely surprised. "How?" And I told her all about the ‘Stonewall’ speech.

"I find that very interesting," she said, laughing.

"Yeah, I was kind of surprised too. I didn’t think he was that aware."

"Not that. His defense of you."

"Me too. I didn’t think he liked me very much."

"I question that. He seems much more willing lately to take your side. And that speech actually seems to be made out of genuine affection for you."

"I think he appreciates what I’ve done for Lisa."

"Much more so than she does."

"That’s not true."

"Really?"

"Come on. He’s not my friend, she is."

"He was willing to tell you the surprise, but was stopped. He’s tried to back you up, but either you or Lisa have stopped him."

"I just don’t know anything anymore," I mumbled.

"That’s OK, Brian. It’s OK to be confused. I am, despite what you seem to think, trying to help you."

"How? By sabotaging my happiness?"

"I am not trying to quote ‘sabotage your happiness,’ I’m trying to help you. So, tell me when love happened."

"Well, after Jim said his piece, Kenny softened up. He apologized. He really paid attention to me all night. Asked me about my job, we talked about baseball..."

"Did he apologize?"

"Not in so many words."

"So, no?"

"He was really nice to me..."

"Brian, Brian. That’s not an apology. That’s someone trying to make the best of a bad situation."

"He paid for dinner?" I said, pleadingly.

"So, he buys you dinner and that makes everything OK."

"He said it was the least he could do."

"Oh, how sweet of him," she said nastily. "Then what happened?"

"I pulled him to me and said I would’ve had dessert..." I said, holding my head in my hands. "Oh, Jesus."

"Brian, why?"

"I felt something for him. It was primal."

"Brian, repeat after me, I am not an animal."

"Ha ha."

"Brian, you felt something so you went to someone who mistreated you and called you a freak."

"I am a freak," I said, waving my hand up and down.

"You are NOT a freak."

"I’m not a woman. And I’m not a man, even among gay men."

"That’s enough. You are who you are. You are a kind, caring person. Clothes do not make the man."

"What a touching speech," I said sarcastically. "Too bad the world’s not therapy."

"Brian, why do you think you get involved with these relationships?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, every relationship you’re in involves someone not accepting you for you are and mistreating you. First, Lisa..."

"She doesn’t mistreat me. She’s my friend."

"Really? She sets you up for an ambush..."

"She didn’t know."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Yes. I don’t think she’s a sadist."

"Fine, do you think she really considered the consequences?"

"I..uh..guess not."

"Fine. So she does this because she thinks it’ll be fun. If she thought you two would like each other, why didn’t she set you up with him before?"

"I dunno. Jim?"

"Do you believe that?"

"I dunno."

"Then, Kenny mistreats you and now you’re in love? Why do you think that is?"

"What? What are you going to say, that I’m looking for a man like my father?"

"I didn’t say it. You did."

"Whatever. That’s ridiculous."

"Is it? You wouldn’t be the first abused child to be in an abusive relationship..."

"My father disowned me because of who I am. Why would I want that?"

"I don’t know. Yet, you seek approval from people unwilling to give it to you on your terms."

"I don’t want to be with my father. He’s an asshole. Period."

"I think we should explore this."

"I don’t."

She wrote something down. "When you’re ready. So, I haven’t still heard when you fell in love."

"So, we all went back to the building. Kenny rode up in the elevator with me."

"Please, don’t tell me..."

"No," I said indignantly. "He asked to come in. I said no."

"Good. Then what happened?"

"He asked to go to brunch on Saturday. With Brian. He said he wanted to meet Brian."

"Interesting choice of words. As if Brian were another person."

"I am Brian. Brian is me. There is no Jessica. That’s all."

"Right," she said dismissively. "After everything that happened, you agreed to go?"

"Yes, I thought I’d give him a chance."

"So, what happened?"

"We went out and it was wonderful. We went to the park, we held hands, we kissed...."

"How did he respond to Brian?"

"He laughed at first."

"Why?"

"Well, it’s funny. I went to put on my boy-clothes..."

"Boy clothes? Uh huh..."

"Clothes...I meant clothes," I said, realizing my huge error. "Anyway, they didn’t fit, because of the weight loss. So, I had to rush to Banana Republic and buy the closest stuff I could find."

"Which was?"

"A pair of khakis and a blazer. I wore a Polo shirt. It sort of fit."

"What did Kenny say when he saw you?"

"He laughed. Said I looked like his sister’s Skipper doll. Called me Skipper for a while."

"How did it feel to be Brian?"

"You make it sound like Brian’s another person. I’m Brian, remember?"

"True enough. Fine, how did you feel being dressed down?"

"Fine," I said, looking away.

"Brian, be honest."

"It felt strange."

"How so?"

"I don’t know. I felt naked."

"Good. In what way?"

"Well, first off, I didn’t have my boobs..."

"I’ve never heard you use that term."

"Fine, breasts. Sorry if boobs offended you."

"No, it’s just that’s a term I’ve generally only heard women use."

"Don’t go there."

She wrote something down. "What else?"

"It feels strange to leave the house without makeup. I feel naked."

"Oh. Anything else?"

"It’s also funny. I felt short."

"Why?"

"I didn’t have my heels on."

She laughed. "Consider yourself lucky on that score. Heels look nice, but early spring in the park is no place for them. The ground’s too soft."

"I’ll keep that in mind," I laughed.

"So, what do you make of all of this?"

"What?"

"You don’t feel comfortable as Brian anymore."

"It’s not that at all."

"What is it then?"

"It’s like having a broken leg. When they take the cast off, it feels strange. You feel like you’re missing something."

"That’s a specious metaphor, Jesssica."

"You’ve never called me that."

"I think we need to stop beating around the bush. You need to address your feelings."

"I have. Jessica’s for another few months, that’s it."

"Really? Like I said before, I haven’t seen Brian for months. And, to take your broken leg analogy to its conclusion, if your broken leg healed, you wouldn’t wear a cast afterwards, no matter unusual it felt to be without one."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, you were Brian Saturday. Yet, here you are on Wednesday, dressed as Jessica, why?"

"Kenny’s gone. I’m back in the role."

"Or the man who won’t accept the real you is gone, so you can go back."

"Brian is the real me!" I yelled. "Besides, a real relationship beats playing dress-up."

"Is this a real relationship?"

"I know it’s only been a few days, but we’ve talked every night. And we e-mail. I’m supposed to go to Paris in a couple of weeks."

"That’s not what I meant. Is this a real relationship, when he doesn’t accept who you are?"

"He does accept who I am. He loves Brian."

"What about Jessica?"

"For the last time, Jessica doesn’t exist. She’s a temporary creation. It’s fun to dress up, but that’s it. Brian is me and I am Brian!"

"Have you convinced yourself yet?"

"There is no convincing to do. I know who I am. Do you? Why is everyone so bent on me being Jessica? Do you have a problem with gay men?"

"That’s enough, Jessica."

"Stop calling me that."

"I think we need to address the issues and I’m quite frankly at a loss as to how to do that."

"Then maybe I should stop coming here."

"Do you really feel that way?"

"No," I said. "I just want to be me."

"Who’s me?"

"Brian," I said, sniffling. "I want to be Brian. I want to be Brian with Kenny. He makes me feel safe."

"How?"

"We were walking and he took my hand, and it felt right."

"Look, I want you to be in a happy, stable relationship. But you need to figure everything out."

"There is nothing to figure out. I’m Brian. I’m a man. I don’t want to be a woman. I want to be with Kenny. ‘Jessica’ is a headache. There is no one who will accept me as ‘Jessica.’"

"If there was, would you keep doing this?"

"I dunno...maybe," I said, absent-mindedly tucking my legs under me. "They wouldn’t be Kenny, though. Good looking guys don’t want guys like me."

"Do you believe that Kenny wants Brian? I find it a little hard to believe that someone who mocked you so mercilessly suddenly found love."

"I dunno...all I know is that we had a great time."

"I still haven’t heard about love."

"We went off on a tangent, remember? Anyway, he picked me up and we went to brunch at Sarabeth’s which..."

She smiled and held up her hand. "No restaurant reviews, just the story."

I smiled." Excuse me for trying to help. Anyway, we had brunch and we talked. And then we walked in the park. We went to the gardens on 103rd, they’re really starting to bloom...and we just had a great time. We spent hours together. We stopped for ice cream and were playing with each other, when..."

"Did anyone comment?"

"No. Why would they?"

"I didn’t realize the Upper East Side was so tolerant. Two guys usually can’t show affection without someone saying anything."

"Umm...."

"What?"

"I don’t think they knew."

"Why do you say that?"

"The..uh..waitress called me ‘Miss,’ and the ice cream scooper..and...when we were playing around, this old couple came over and said, ‘We hope you two have as many happy years together as we have.’"

"What do you make of that?"

"I dunno. I don’t look very manly. That’s not exactly news."

"Did you correct anyone?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Why do it? It would just make people uncomfortable."

"People. Or you?"

"People. Not me. I’m Brian. I’m also not a five year old who needs to prove himself. I know who I am. Anyway, we had a great time," I said defensively.

"Is Kenny out at work?"

"No," I said, looking away.

"Brian, Brian, Brian. Where do you think this is going? He won’t accept Jessica. But, you think he’s going to show up at a firm party with Brian? Come on. Do you see this long-term?"

"First Lisa and now you have me at Kleinfeld’s. It’s a little soon, no?"

"Kleinfeld’s?" she said, with a smirk.

"It’s a figure of speech," I said angrily.

"Is it? I’ve never heard any of my male patients, gay or straight, use it."

"OTHER male patients."

"Sorry, other male patients. Anyway, do you think he’d come out for you?"

"We haven’t exactly gotten there yet. Nor should we."

"Why do you think he reacted so strongly to you initially?"

"Because drag queens are a sore spot in the gay community, you know that."

"Are you a drag queen?"

"No. Do you think so?"

She sighed. "We’ve covered this. No, I don’t think so. Drag queens are caricatures. You are not a caricature. You may be an incredible facsimile, but you are definitely not a caricature. Did you look like one that first night?"

"I don’t think so. I think I looked pretty good. The make up wasn’t overdone. I wasn’t wearing 6" platform shoes or hot pants or anything."

"So, why do you think he responded so negatively?"

"I think the Talmudic distinctions you drew between drag and facsimile were somewhat lost on him. He responded viscerally to me."

"Did you ever talk about it on Saturday?"

"No, why would we?"

"You had a fight. You each used some pretty nasty language. You slapped him. That’s a big thing not to discuss."

"We were having a good time. Why spoil it?"

"Do you think a long-term relationship is possible when the parties don’t discuss things?"

"I imagine we’ll cover it as some point."

"When?"

"When the time is right."

"Which would be?"

"I don’t know."

"Did he correct anyone who called you ‘Miss?’"

"No. Should he have?"

"For someone so uncomfortable with Jessica, I would think he’d want to correct them."

"He didn’t want to make them uncomfortable either?"

"But you, he would?"

"That was the heat of the moment."

"And the rest of the evening?"

"It got better. He warmed up to me."

"Is that it? Or was he just trying to make it less tense?"

"If it wasn’t warming up, then he wouldn’t have asked me out to brunch, would he? Wouldn’t he have just called it a night?"

"Fair enough. Why did he want Brian then?"

"I don’t know. Maybe he realized he liked me, but wanted to see me without the dress. I mean, he’s gay. Did that cross your mind? Maybe some people can get past first impressions."

"Are you convinced yet?"

I got angry. "Yes," I said sarcastically. "I AM convinced. You’ve never met anyone, disliked them initially but then came to realize they’re OK? Or does that not happen in Julia’s world?"

"Brian, Brian, Brian. Yes, to answer your question, I have changed my opinion of people after a first impression. That’s human nature. But, I still reiterate my earlier point. Why would you even give someone who was so cruel to you..."

"That’s a little harsh."

"How would you describe someone who tells someone else that they make them sick and calls them hard up little femme, and pathetic, and..."

"I get your point."

"Do you? Because then this person doesn’t even apologize, and yet you stay..."

"Um," I started adjusting my skirt. "He got better, and I thought..."

"What? That he would somehow change? Do you believe that he thinks any more of you now? Do you think he’s suddenly changed his world view to recognize that femme is acceptable?"

"He was nice to me. What about that? And, yes, I think he’s changed his opinion. He’s realized that the clothes are only temporary and that I’m a good person."

"But he’s not out. What do you think is going to happen?"

I got angry. "I don’t know. I really don’t. But I know I’m having a good time and, for the first time in a long time, I’m with someone. And he makes me feel special. And, so what if we don’t have a cute ‘first meeting’ story? It feels good. If it crashes and burns, it crashes and burns. It won’t be the first time. At least it’s something. It’s not this nether world I’ve been in, where I’m Jessica but can’t really be Jessica..."

Julia pounced on that last part. "So you’d like to be Jessica in all facets?"

"No," I responded angrily. "My point was, that I can walk around like Jessica and get scoped out and even flirt, but at the end of the night, I’m alone. With Kenny, I don’t end up alone."

"So you slept with him?" she sighed.

"Yes. I did. It was amazing. We came back to my place and were play fighting, and he scooped me up, threw me on the bed and pinned me...."

"Has anyone ever done that to you before?"

"What?"

"Scooped you up and threw you on the bed?"

"No, why?"

"I was curious. Did you enjoy it?"

"Why? If I say yes, does this mean I want to be a girl too? To be manhandled?"

"Do you think it does?"

"It was something new. That’s it."

"So anything new you like?"

"Clearly, no. We’ve talked about this before. I’m a bottom. I like being penetrated. I like giving blow jobs. So, I don’t know, maybe this is just another step in being a bottom.."

"Or?"

"Or what? Becoming Jessica? Like now I’m some little flirt who wants her man to thr...never mind."

"Keep going with that. Initial responses are very telling."

"No," I said flatly. "I don’t want to be judged anymore."

"I am not judging you. I’m trying to help you. What was going through your mind when he scooped you up?"

"Yippee, I’m going to have sex?"

"Very cute, Brian. What else?"

"I dunno."

"Think. Did Jessica enter the picture?"

"That’s enough."

"Brian," she said, in an annoyed tone. "Just go with it."

"I imagined myself in a negligee and heels," I muttered.

"What do you think that means?"

"That this," I said, waving my hand up and down, "has so fucked me up, that I can’t even have sex anymore without it intruding."

"Maybe you’re coming to terms..."

I put my hand up. "Stop it already! I’m not coming to terms. I am Brian. I want to be Brian. This is temporary. And whatever happens with Kenny happens. I don’t want to hear anymore about it. He’s not cruel. He was confused."

"Have you convinced yourself yet?"

"Fuck you Julia. Just fuck you, OK?"

"Are you through?"

"Yes, I am. I’m sorry I said ‘fuck you,’ but I’m tired of this. Are you trying to help me or pigeonhole me?"

"I could ask the same question of you? Do you want help or affirmation?"

"I withdraw my apology."

"OK. Your responses were, if not appropriate, expected."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"What do you think it means?"

"I think I’m tired of this."

"What else?"

"Nothing else," I sighed.

"Why do you think you responded so vehemently?"

"Because I’m tired. I’m Brian. Everyone’s decided I’m meant to be Jessica. But you know what? I’m the only one with a vote. I like these clothes, I’ll admit that. But, I like my penis more. I’m gay. How many years have I spent dealing with that? That much we’ve established. And, you know what, I would gladly trade a skirt for someone who loves me..."

"I agree," Julia interrupted. "But why should you have to trade? Why should you have to give up one thing for another? Especially from someone who can’t commit to you fully?"

"Number 1, if I found someone who was willing to tolerate the clothes, there’d be something else wrong. I mean Prince Charming doesn’t exist. He’d be fat, or treat me bad or be bad in bed. This is just fun. It’s not who I am. It’s like saying if I smoked, I shouldn’t be with someone who didn’t like smoking..."

Julia rolled her eyes. "This is not like smoking. It’s not unhealthy and, more importantly, smokers don’t adopt other personalities."

"Am I schizo now?"

"No," she said flatly. "Besides, I’d actually like to explore the commitment issue more."

"Why? It’s early in the relationship. There’s nothing to explore."

"Why spend time with someone who will never be able to commit to you?"

"Never say never."

"How old is he?"

"35."

"Do you think he’s suddenly going to come out at work at 35?"

"He could."

"What? Your love will make him willing to put his career at risk?" she said sarcastically.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"You’re out at work. Do you want to spend the rest of your life as "the friend" or "the roommate" or not being known at all?"

"This is premature. It’s not like we’re a couple or anything...."

"But again, you can’t be Jessica with him, because he doesn’t approve. But you can’t be Brian either. Or for now you can. But what happens if this gets serious? You’ll always be shut out of one part of his life. This is not a ‘real relationship.’ This is someone working out his insecurities on you," she said, ending with a sigh.

"I like it better when you just say ‘what do you think it means?’" I smiled nervously.

"I’m sorry. I’ve just seen such a change in you the past few months, and I’d hate to see it lost for someone who abused you but then can’t even be fully there."

"Abused is too harsh," I said, looking at my skirt. Lisa and Melissa were right. Pencil skirts looked really cute on me. Damn, why did I say that? "He was a little nasty, but only because he was shocked."

"That still doesn’t answer the issue of his being closeted."

"I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime, it’s just sex."

"You called it love."

"It’s...I don’t know...I just liked the feeling of being with someone."

"Just think about it," she said, looking at her watch. "I’m sorry session is over. See you next week."

I got up, straightened my skirt and left. I felt depressed. I started in love and ended feeling like I’d been hit. This always seemed to happen to me at Julia’s. Why did she have to ruin my happiness? Why couldn’t she just let things be? I thought about calling Lisa, but realized that, much as it pained me to admit Julia was even a little right, she had her own agenda. What was I going to do?