Starting College my way. A story of fiction by Symphony Simms.

Starting College my way. Chapter 5.

Digging a hole. Monday evening September 9th.

Rebecca and I walked back from the college after my orientation meetings. I had been wearing a dress and make-up all day but I had been so busy getting on with the things I had to do that the wearing a dress part had not really played on me. I was becoming accustomed to it, but every once in a while the incredulity of the situation got to me.

Everyone just accepted that I am a girl, I even had boys wanting to date me, but this time yesterday I was a boy.

And then there was Rebecca. She was about the most attractive woman, including my sisters, who I had ever been in the same room with, and I think she wants my body too, and she thinks I am a girl too. How fucked up is that?

“So tell me about this dilemma regarding you going to music school,” Rebecca asked.

“To tell you the truth Rebecca,” I said. “I have always been a math nerd. My sisters have always been the ones who were good at everything so when I found I had a mathematical gift I decided to go with it.”

“My closest sister Fiona is the musically gifted one so when Fiona went to music school I thought she has got the music covered so I would do something else.”

“It never really occurred to me that we could both do the same thing. Anyway, who wants their little sister hanging around with them all the time?”

Some of that was true but other parts were bullshit. I didn’t want to be close to my sister because I didn’t want there to be any chance she would find out I was wearing girl’s clothes while no one was looking. It’s funny how things get turned around when you least expect it?

We reached the Coffee Hutch and standing in the road outside she turned to me and held both of my hands. She was delicious and her touch was electric.

I wanted to kiss her but I couldn’t be sure that being kissed was what she wanted from me. Anyway, I don’t believe two (apparently) girls kissing in the middle of the street would be socially acceptable in this neighborhood.

She looked in my eyes. “You are coming tonight aren’t you?”

“Yes I think I am.”

“Good,” she said.

Then while still looking straight into my eyes she brought my left hand to her lips and kissed the back of my fingers then walked away without looking at me for a reaction. I was rooted to the spot watching her.

While she was walking towards the front door I saw her face in the refection of the restaurant window smiling at me, and then as she went in the door she gave me only the tiniest of glances before she disappeared into the shadows.

What am I missing I thought to myself. When I wear boy’s clothes and talk to girls they seem not the slightest bit interested, but now I am wearing a dress and make-up the most devastatingly attractive girl I have ever seen it giving me all the signals that she wants me.

I think she wants the girl in the dress, but what is under this dress in not actually a girl. How this was going to work out I have no idea, but I can’t turn away from her. How could any young man, or whatever I am, in his right mind turn away from Rebecca?

It took me a few moments to realize that I was still staring at the shadow that she disappeared onto. I was now aware that her fragrance was gone and all I was left with was fresh air, which in turn woke me up. Good job there was no one around. The warmth of the day was dying and I could tell it was going to be a cooler evening than anything we have had recently.

I came to my senses and walked back the apartment. As I was walking through the kitchen I saw Angie in the lounge sitting on the sofa wearing pajamas and eating fruit loops with milk and watching OWN.

“Oh hi Leslie,” she said without much enthusiasm.

“And what’s wrong with this picture,” I asked her.

“Stupid dorks in engineering,” she said. “I didn’t find anyone nice to talk to. I am sure there were nice people but the ones in my group were just not my type.”

“You can change your group you know.” I said.

“Yes I know and I did meet one nice guy that I spent some time with, but then I realized he was hitting on me.”

“So, was he nice? Getting hit on almost sounds like an insult when you say it like that.”

“Yes he was nice, but I am not looking right now.”

“So, tell him ‘thank you but no’ and that you appreciate the complement.”

“Yes, I know, but I was hoping to get a little rest from that stuff. I though doing engineering in college would be different.”

“Whatever made you think that? Men are men regardless of what subject they take. The important thing is are they good to you?”

“Leslie are you an expert on men being good to you?”

“No of course not, but I think I have some small insight into how they think.”

“Leslie, forgive me but getting insights on how men think does not sound right coming from a pretty little thing like you in a dress, and forgive me when I say this, I was just telling you and not asking for advice.”

I could have taken offence to that remark, but chose to ignore it. I was going to ask for her help.

“Angie, remember yesterday you said that you would help me learn to do my own make-up, well today I smudged my lipstick and I didn’t have a clue how to fix it. I don’t even have all the make-up items I need. Will you help me make a list so I can go and get them.”

“No I will not, but I will come with you. I needed something to get me off this sofa, she said as she jumped up and headed to her bedroom and closed the door behind her.

In just a few moments she came back wearing jeans and a black tank top with PINK written across it in big pink letters. She had put her beautiful blonde hair back in a ponytail.

“So show me your stuff and we will make a list.”

We made the list and I added towels and women’s deodorant to it and we headed for Wal-Mart, again. Didn’t take us long to get to Wal-Mart and get the stuff I needed. Angie needed a couple of things too so we had our own shopping carts and went through separate pay points.

I gave Angie some money towards the salad and stuff she was buying for supper. When we had paid, Angie pointed out the hairdressers with a couple of empty seats.

“I know your sister did a pretty good job with your hair this morning,” said Angie, “ but if you get it cut properly it will be easier to handle in the mornings, especially when you need to get ready yourself.”

I agreed it made sense so we went into the hairdressers, still inside Wal-Mart that is, and they got me straight in. Angie and the hairdresser helped me pick a style that wasn’t too far from the shape I had before, but would more easily manageable and a little bit more feminine.

Sitting in the hairdressers chair was the first time today where I got to sit still with nothing else to contemplate my predicament, but having my hair done in a professional stylists is not something I could sit through without paying attention.

The first thing that happened was to be swung around and have the back of my chair collapse backwards. My hands and feet flew in the air and I was trying to climb back up out of the chair without any success when the hairdresser tried to calm me down.

“Easy does it lady!” she said. “I am only trying to wash your hair. Have you never had your hair washed before?”

“Er, no actually,” I said.

“Then who has been doing your hair?”

“My Mom and my sisters most of the time.” I said.

“I could tell your last haircut was not a professional job. You seem to have it cut like a boy.”

“What can I tell you? Until recently I didn’t take good care of my hair, but from now on I am determined to have it look good now.”

“Just lean back into my hands and I will take care of you. Close your eyes and enjoy being taken care of.”

It took a little while for me to relax but after a couple of minutes I enjoyed the sensation of someone rubbing their hands through my wet hair and massaging my scalp.

I never realized having your hair cut could be such an intimate experience. If I opened my eyes I could see right up her nostrils.

“Well I can tell you that the best way of ensuring you have good hair is to find a good hairdresser and go to them regularly.” She said quietly to me as she was talking only a few inches from my ears,

“$60 or $80 dollars a month is a reasonable price to pay to ensure your hair looks good and is manageable.”

$60 or $80 dollars a month! I thought that would be what I should be paying for food. This being a girl thing is becoming expensive.

She wrapped my head including my eyes with a nice soft towel and kind of hugged me as she brought me back into the upright world instead of the upside down world I had been in, then she gently but firmly towel dried my hair. I could see how women could easily develop relationships with their hairdressers.

She clipped and cut for a while then put some rollers in and put me under the microwave or whatever it was. Sure seemed to dry my hair quickly. Then she cut and snipped and blow dried while adding stuff here and spraying stuff there.

At one point she stopped to gently rub my cheek with the back of her hand.

“You must have had the laser on your face,” she said. “Your skin is so clear but you have not even the tiniest hair on your face. They do a lovely job. We have one here if you ever need it again.”

“You have lovely hands,” she said. “I hope you don’t mind me saying but you really need you a manicure. Those wicks are getting rather raggedy. The girls here can do a really good job if you have an extra 15 minutes.”

“Oh that is a wonderful idea,” knowing that she probably gets commission on everyone she sends over, “but I really don’t have the time. Maybe next time I come here.”

It was wonderful seeing my hair transformed into a real girly shape. My face looked smaller and highlighted my hair. There was no way I could possibly go home with my hair looking like this. Mom would have a fit.

In 40 minutes my hair was done and we were heading back to the apartment.
It was after 6:30 when we got back and Carla and MJ were there to complain that it was Angie’s day to arrange dinner and they were hungry. My day would be Thursday. There was a schedule in the kitchen.

Angie got supper ready quite quickly. She had bought spinach, bell peppers, chunks of cooked turkey and nuts and with other things already in the fridge, she had prepared a very nice salad in just a few minutes.

Not exactly the kind of food I would have prepared if left to my own devices, but obviously the kind of food I would have to get used to. While we sat at the table and started eating, Angie brought over a jug of water with ice and chunks of lemon in it with 4 glasses.

“So how was your first day as a full time girl?” asked MJ.

“I really enjoyed it,” I replied. “I think I should have done this years ago.”

“So did you meet any nice guys,” asked Carla.

“There were a few,” I said, “but are you all assuming I am gay and want to date guys?”

“It feels natural for us to think that way,” said MJ. “I have always thought that someone who puts on a dress and make-up, especially someone as pretty as you, would be doing it to attract men. Do you think I have made a reasonable assumption Leslie?”

“I am sorry MJ but I haven’t had time to think too deeply about it. Yes I admit that it feels good to wear a dress and feel attractive. It also feels good to have nice young men pay attention to me, but that is not my primary focus. I am here to earn a degree in math.”

“But you could have done that without wearing a dress Leslie,” said Angie.

“I agree,” I said, “but when we started discussing my options last night this seemed like the most painless choice, and to tell the truth the thought of spending so much time in a dress dramatically tipped the scales. I realize now I just love being a girl.”

“But part of being a pretty girl like you Leslie is having some young stud put their tongue down your throat.” Said MJ. Then she held her fist near my face. “Over to Leslie for a reaction.”

I dithered a little. “Seems a bit disjointed doesn’t it? I like the attention but the thought of kissing a boy has not occurred to me yet, but it doesn’t repulse me either. I was talking to Connie today and she made a comment about holding Lawrence between my knees. I did imagine that scene for a moment and I was definitely not repulsed.”

“OK,” said Carla leaning over the table towards me. Close your eyes and listen to my voice.

“Let’s try this. Imagine you are talking face to face with this Lawrence. You can taste his sweet clean breath on your face, then he puts his arms around you, one hand resting on your butt gripping one cheek and pulling you firmly towards him.”

“Then he kisses you on the lips and you feel his tongue enter your mouth, you taste his tongue then you start tingling all over. Then you realize that you can feel his erect penis pressing against your stomach.”

“Oh Shit,” I said and my knee hit the table and the cutlery on the table all bounced at once. I had to put my knife and fork down and reached between my legs. “I like just got a shock between my legs.”

“I think we got our answer,” said MJ. “She wants him.”

“You are so easy,” said Carla. “If that really happens he will have your pants off so fast you won’t know what hit you, and then where would you be?”

I heard what they were saying, but I was concentrating on the tingling between my legs. I dashed off to the bathroom and left them giggling at me.

When I got to the bathroom and pulled down my pants I found that I had come in my panties.

I was amazed at myself. OK so I had been aroused a frequent times during the day, shit, just wearing the dress and knowing that I looked like a girl was constantly arousing, but to think that the thought of Lawrence’s penis digging me in the stomach putting me over the top, oh I still felt woozy.

There was a knock on the bathroom door. “You OK Leslie,” asked Angie.
I’m OK,” I said. “Just cleaning myself up!”

I could hear MJ outside talking to Carla. “I told you she came in her pants.”

“When you have finished in there you will have to clean up the mess in the chair you were sitting on,” said Carla.

“There was no mess,” said Angie.

“There could have been,” said MJ. They were having a good giggle about it.

I suppose it was kind of funny. I put my semi cleaned pants back on.

“I am gonna have to get a shower,” I said then I opened the door. Outside in the hall Angie grabbed me as I opened the door and gave me a hug. MJ and Carla joined in. I burst out crying on her shoulder.

“Everyone deserves a hug after they orgasm,” said Angie.

“Then you guys owe me hugs from this morning while you were out,” said MJ. Then I started laughing though my tears.

I had another revelation to consider, as I sat in my room to compose myself. I was attracted to men. The thought of Lawrence holding me against his rock hard body, putting his tongue in my mouth and feeling his erect penis against my stomach had brought me over the top.

This was a moment for resolve, I persuaded myself. Boys were not part of the plan and I was not going to let this tingling between my legs get the better of me. I would carry on my day determined not to let the thought of boys enter my mind.

As the girls had agreed to give me a makeover for this evening and explain everything as we go, I cleaned my face and took a shower. I had to use a plastic shower cap to keep my hair dry. Another thing I had never done before.

I dried myself, took off the shower cap and put my new bra and boosters on, knickers, then a camisole top and slip and walked out into the kitchen where Angie and Carla were waiting for me with all of my new make-up collection. MJ sat watching TV.

Angie and Carla explained what to do with my make-up, only this time I had to do for myself. They had a list written out for me, all of the tools and items I would need then explained what I needed to do in order. They just let me do it, giving me little pointers and explanations on the way.

Use concealer under the eyes and for any darker area, primer on the lips, never use dark eyeliner on the inside of the eye, sweep eyeshade outwards, powder in the recesses of the face, but away from the eyes.

When I was finished they explained that what I had now was a daytime and school look. For evening I had to add more of almost everything. More eyeliner, eyes shadow and mascara, deeper colored blusher and lipstick and a little more powder again.

I told them what clothes I was going to be wearing, which was the same dress but with leggings underneath, 4” heeled gladiator shoes instead of flats and my short denim jacket. Definitely not overdressed for an impromptu audition but still attractive and youthful.

The time was now a little after 8pm and I completed getting myself dressed then stayed in my bedroom to practice a little guitar and allow the girls to get ready. I also trimmed the nails on my left hand to ensure I could pick the strings properly, then repainted my nails.

At 10 minutes to 9 the four of us left the apartment and headed down to the Coffee Hutch.

The lighting inside was a considerably darker than during the day with candles on the tables. Where our table had been in the morning was replaced by two tall stools and 2 microphones on stands lit by a couple of spot lights.

A little background music was playing. I recognized Connie, Caroline, Lawrence, Vic and Anders but another 15 or so people I did not know.

Rebecca came in from the back with a tray of wine and beer for some people I didn’t know. She was wearing a different black short evening dress with no jewelry except for some diamond earrings. She didn’t see me.

I took MJ, Angie and Connie over to meet the people from my class and some conversation developed around subjects and schedules etc. After a couple of minutes Rebecca came over and ushered me away from the others and back towards the kitchen.

“I hate to do this to you Leslie but its sink or swim time. I am going to introduce you to the owner here and he wants to talk business.”

We stepped into the kitchen and Rebecca introduced me to a tall slim attractive man about 50 with long greying hair pulled back in a ponytail. He offered me his hand as he saw me.

“Hi you must be Leslie,” he said in an English accent. “I am sorry to do this too you but a couple of people have told me that you might be a good singer, although no one has heard you yet.”

“The duo that I was expecting tonight called and said they can’t make it and I couldn’t get anyone else. All I can tell you right now is that if you can play for 2 hours it’s worth $100 and if you are any good I will book you and the money goes up if you bring more people in.”

“What is your name,” I asked.

“Dylan,” he answered.

“After Bob Dylan?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “It is actually after a rabbit named Dylan that my folks used to watch on TV when they were kids. He carried his guitar wherever he went. The rabbit was named after Bob Dylan.”

“The rabbit carried a guitar?” I asked.

“Yup,” he said.

“Cool,” I said. “OK I am sure I can handle two hours, but I will tell you one thing that is important to me.”

“Shoot,” he said.

“Shoot what,” I asked.

“I mean tell me what is important to you.”

“My college work. If you start making demands on me that interfere with college work or my attendance, then I will quit.”

“You haven’t got the job yet,” he said.

I looked him in the eyes with confidence. “Some people think I am overconfident.” I said. “Others just think I am right.”

He thought about it for a moment then offered me his and said, “Deal.”

“Deal,” I said shaking his hand. “I’ll get my stuff ready.”

I didn’t have much to get ready. As he walked to the front of the restaurant Rebecca and I stayed behind in the kitchen where the alcoholic drinks were prepared.

“Need anything at all?” said Rebecca.

“A glass of red wine would be good.” I told her.

“I thought you said you were too young to drink.”

“I think that comment was taken out of context,” I said. “A glass of red wine is a medical necessity right now. For my voice,” I said.

“Sure,” she said. She reached out and poured me a glass and handed it to me. I quickly enjoyed it and used it to clear my throat, then gave her the glass back.

I turned and walked over to where my guitar was then took it to the front and prepared myself. I nodded to Dylan who introduced me. I carried on tuning my Taylor which didn’t actually need tuning so I wasn’t actually listening to Dylan, just for when he said, “Leslie.”

I turned around smiled and got up on the stool and spoke into the mic.

“Hi my name is Leslie Haigt. H A I G T just in case any of you is from the news media or a record company."

“I actually consider myself half of a duo with my sister who is actually the better musician and I am going to modify what I play because there is only one of me so I ask for your indulgence. I hope I can keep you entertained anyway.”

“I am starting with some Sheryl Crow.”

I started with the Bm7 cord and tapped the guitar with one finger on the off beat then dropped down into A.

‘I woke up and called this morning’
‘The sound of your voice was a warning’
‘You don’t care for me anymore.’

I continued through the chorus the second verse then the second chorus then to the bridge.

‘Well nothing ever last forever, even when you stay together.’
‘I don’t need happy ever after’
‘It’s your laughter won’t let me go so I’m holding out this way’

Then to the sad finish.

‘When you see me walk on by, did it ever make you cry.’
‘My favorite mistake, my favorite mistake.”

Then the full Bm7 with maximum sustain. I knew I had nailed it.

There was enthusiastic applause for a small crowd and even a couple of whistles.

“Thank you,” I said. “This is a two part guitar song that kind of sounds OK with one guitar. It’s a Pink Floyds tune.

I started into ‘wish you were here’ and did the intro twice before starting into some of the most amazing lyrics I have ever heard.

‘And did they get you to change your hero’s for ghosts’
‘Hot ashes for trees, hot air for cool breeze’
‘Cold comfort for change, and did you exchange’
‘A walk on part in the war, for a lead role in a cage’

Intro again, final verse then intro two last times.
More enthusiastic applause. I knew I had them on my side.

I played a few more tunes and really enjoyed myself till I saw Rebecca at the back of the crowd waving an empty glass at me so I told the crowd thanks and I’m taking a short break.

I made my way to where Rebecca was and the people I met where congratulating me on a great job.

Dylan stopped by to say, “So I think we need to discuss what nights you are available Leslie?”

”Will you be here in the morning?” I asked.

“I am the cook,” he said.

“Then you can make me breakfast,” I said.

“Sure,” he said.

I made my way to the kitchen and Rebecca had a glass of wine for me.

“You are amazing,” she said, “I wasn’t prepared for you to be that good”

“You embarrass me,” I said.

“No I don’t,” she answered. “I heard the way you spoke to Dylan. You must be the most unembarrassed person I have ever met. You know exactly how good you are and if I ever saw you embarrassed I would guess you were doing it intentionally just to be polite.”

“You could embarrass me!” I said.

“I doubt it.”

“But maybe I would enjoy you trying.”

“Now there is a thought,” she said. “But we will have to save that thought for another time.”

That gave me something to look forward to. I finished my glass of wine and made my way back towards my guitar. Part way back Vic stopped me.

“Can you do ‘More than words’ by Extreme,” he asked.

“I could do but I would normally need harmony.”

“I can do harmony with you,” he said.

“Come on down then, let’s do it now.”

So we did more than words. Vic has a nice voice and we sounded good together. He looked into my eyes most of the time while we were singing which felt kind of nice.

It’s a lot different feeling than when I sing with my sister. I thanked Vic then he kissed me on the cheek before he sat down which was nice.

I continued with a couple of Stevie Nick’s songs then continued singing anything I could remember that I could do on my own trying to avoid any songs that were obvious masculine songs as they didn’t seem right what with me wearing a dress.

I didn’t know what time it was but Dylan came down and stopped me as it was well after 11pm. He thanked me and told the crowd that he would arrange for me to do this again real soon, then Rebecca switch the lights on, Dylan turned the PA off and the crowd quickly dissipated.

Lawrence came to me while I was putting my guitar away.

“You play and sing beautifully,” he said and I thanked him. He said, “But I am a little jealous that Vic got to kiss you before I did.”

“It was a friendly kiss on the cheek,” I said. “And that’s as far as you are going to get in the foreseeable future.”

“That sounds a little dismal,” he said. “But how far into the future can you see?” I didn’t answer that question.

“Can I walk you home,” he asked.

“You can walk me, MJ, Angie and Carla the 50 yards to our apartment if you wish. I will be ready in just a few moments,” I told him. Then I went back into the kitchen to say goodbye to Rebecca. She was locking the back door.

“You were amazing,” she said. “Dylan really loved you and I bet he will let you have any schedule you want.”

“I have not thought about schedules,” I told her, “But I am coming around for breakfast in the morning. I should be here before 9am.”

“Cool, we will see you in the morning,” she said. Then she picked up my hand and kissed me on the palm of my hand. My mouth fell open and I became all tingly.

“You’re not embarrassed are you?” she asked.

“Embarrassed is not the sensation I am feeling right now,” I said smiling cheekily at her. Then she turned me around and pushed me out of the kitchen towards the front door.

“Get out of here” she said.

I walked back down to the front door and Lawrence was holding my guitar case.

“Can I carry this for you,” he asked.

“Sure,” I said. “Not too heavy for you is it?”

“No I think I can manage.”

We walked behind the 3 girl’s back to the apartment and I was feeling very pleased with myself. There wasn’t much time to talk.

“You know I would really like to record you some time,” he said.

I told him I would think about it, then I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, grabbed my guitar and was first up the stairs into the apartment.

When Carla came up she said, “He is still down there looking for you. He said you hadn’t answered his question.”

“What does he want?” I asked.

“Go ask him.”

I went downstairs and opened the door. “What do you want?” I asked.

“I was wondering how far you can see with that crystal ball of yours.”

“I don’t have a crystal ball,” I said.

Then he reached out had put his hand around my wrist and smiled at me. I had the feeling I knew what he wanted.

“I am not going to kiss you,” I said. I wasn’t going to tell him but it was nice to feel his touch.

“Are you sure,” he said. Then he gently started pulling me towards him, not so hard as I couldn’t pull away, but I didn’t want to pull away.

“What are you doing,” I asked.

“Testing your resolve,” he said.

“What resolve,” I asked.

“When you said you were not going to kiss me.”

‘Oh Shit,’ I said to myself. I felt myself being drawn towards him. I knew I could just turn and run up the stairs, but I didn’t want to. I wanted him to kiss me.

He pulled my arm up to his chest then placed his other arm around my waist. I had to put my other arm around his shoulder to steady myself. He was as solid as a rock. He bent his head down and positioned his mouth over mine.

We kissed, my tongue touched his and I saw stars. For a few moments I went all tingly and week at the knees, then I pulled back and realized what I was doing.

I pushed him away without saying anything, slammed the door ran upstairs to my room tears were falling down my face before I hit the bed and buried my face in the pillow.

I was angry as I cried into my pillow and kicked my feet into the bed.

How could I let myself do that?

I was still a boy wasn’t I?

How come I enjoyed it?

The girls came after me to find out what the problem was, MJ was sat at the desk and Carla and Angie sat one each side of the bed.

“What’s wrong Leslie, did he hurt you?” said Angie as she rubbed my back.

“No,” I said.

“Did he make you do anything against your will?” said Carla.

“No,” I said. “He kissed me!”

“Was his tongue too far down your throat,” said MJ.

“That’s horrible,” I lifted my head up and scowled at MJ.

“So what do you expect?” said MJ. “You dress, talk, sound and act like a very attractive woman then complain when some handsome guy kisses you. You can’t have it both ways Leslie.”

“I couldn’t stop him,” I said.

“Then that’s assault,” said Angie.

“No, no,” I said. “I mean I couldn’t stop myself.”

“You thought being a girl was going to be easy didn’t you?” said MJ.

“I thought I was just going to wear a dress and go to school. I didn’t plan on kissing anyone.”

From the hallway I could hear the sound of someone knocking on the front door. Carla went down to answer it.

“I think he must be still out there,” said Angie. “Do you want to speak to him?”

“No I couldn’t,” I said. “I wouldn’t know what to say. I feel stupid and confused.”

“Is that the way you feel every time someone kisses you?” said MJ.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I have never really been kissed before.”

“Not by a man you mean?” asked Angie.

“Not by anyone,” I said.

“I told you,” I said. “When I was a boy no one ever took any notice of me.”

“You never told us you had never been kissed.” said MJ.

“Well now you know. Lawrence is the first person I have ever kissed. Boy or girl. Now you know how totally screwed up I am.”

“Was it nice?” asked MJ.

“That’s beside the point.”

“No its not,” said MJ. “I think you are a transgendered woman. You probably should have been a girl all along.”

“That may sound simple to you,” I said to MJ. “But I am even more screwed up than that.”

“What do you mean,” said Angie.

“I really like Rebecca too.” I said. “I think she wants me and it really excites me.”

“You are screwed up,” said MJ.

“At the Coffee Hutch I went to say goodnight to her and she kissed me on the palm of my hand.”

“Did you kiss her,” said MJ.

“No but I wanted to.”

“Have you any idea what you are doing?” asked Angie.

“No,” I said. “That’s what I have been telling you. Since I put a dress this morning I have been like a kid in a candy store. I can have anything I want and everyone helps me. I am the center of attention. I have never had that experience before.”

“So what was it like being a boy?” asked Angie.

“It was like every door was always closed and I had to push my way in, and every time I got inside the door my sisters were always there with all of their stupid friends.”

“But you said your sisters love you,” said MJ.

“They do,” I said, “but the people they hang around with are not interested in me. I am just a dorky boy.”

“I think it’s time for you to get used to the new reality,” said MJ. “You are a beautiful woman and it’s time you took control of your life.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“If you want to kiss him then what’s stopping you?”

“I am a boy,” I said.

“No you are not. Make your mind up. I see a beautiful girl in front of me. Is that what you want to be?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Are you sure,” asked MJ.

“I think so. I can’t imagine wanting to go back to being a boy now.”

“Then go kiss him again.”

“I can’t!”

“Are you sure? Are you in control of what you want?” asked MJ.

“He is still outside,” said Carla who had come back up without me noticing.

I sat up on the bed. “Is my make-up OK,” I asked anyone who was listening.

“It’s OK,” they said. “Anyway its dark outside.”

I walked over and looked in the mirror. Not the greatest I realized but I don’t think I would scare anyone away. I was more composed now and I had a purpose in what I was doing. I walked down the stairs and opened the door.

“Lawrence,” I called out quietly.

“You OK,” he asked as he stepped out from a shadow.

“I am OK. I want to tell you something.”

“What,” he asked.

“I don’t want a serious boyfriend,” I said.

“That’s OK,” he said.

“I might let you kiss me once in a while but that’s as far as it gets,”

“That’s OK,” he said. “I will take what I can get.”

“And you can’t be possessive with me.”

“Will you be possessive with me?” he asked.

“Don’t know,” I said. “I have never done this before.”

“What do you mean?” he asked. “You want an open relationship?”

“No that’s not what I meant,” I said. “I have never had a boyfriend.”

“Serious,” he asked. “Never had a boyfriend?”

“Never,” I said. “Have you had girlfriends.”

“A few,” he said. “But never more than one at a time.”

“I have no idea how this is going to work out,” I said. “But I am willing to give it a try.”

“I can live with that,” he said. “Can I kiss you now?”

He moved closer towards me and put his arms around my sides to pull me gently to him. My body was pressed into his and I was leaning back with my arms around his shoulders as he looked into my eyes.

I closed my eyes and he kissed me. I felt a tingling glow radiating from my lips to encompass my entire being. I could feel his penis against my stomach. I didn’t run.

Digging a hole is that the way you treat me
Digging a hole just lock me up and beat me
Big Sugar