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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 20 Prospects for 2010
 

After lunch we moved from the dining room to the lounge and there was a further exchange of small gifts between ourselves and our visitors. I was gratified that everything given to me was specifically aimed at Becky — no doubt this was at Lucy’s insistence. Eventually it was my turn and I handed over inexpensive gifts to my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin Jack.

‘Lucy, you’ve been so good to me over the last three months, that I’d like you to have the blue strapless evening gown that you wore at that dinner, together with all the accessories to go with it.’

I handed over a parcel containing the dress, the shoes, underwear and jewelry.

‘I can’t possibly accept all this Becky, they are far too expensive.’

‘I won’t be able to wear that outfit for at least a year or more, until I have developed some genuine breasts of my own, and you did look so lovely when you wore it last time,’ I continued.

I noticed that Uncle Frank flinched momentarily as I mentioned nurturing my own breasts, but I was now feeling quite confident in my future as Becky.

‘So please accept the outfit. As you know, I now have plenty of other nice clothes to wear.’

Lucy seemed undecided and looked around as if seeking re-assurance as to what she should do. Aunt Jill smiled and nodded.

‘Well, if you’re sure, thank you very much’ Lucy continued beginning to open the parcel and to hold up the dress for everyone to see.

‘Why don’t all three of you change into your ‘posh frocks’ for the evening whilst the rest of us do the washing up?’ suggested Mum.

‘Oh yes, I’d love to see the girls dressed in all their finery,' added Aunt Jill.

The word ‘girls’ came so naturally to her, without a moment’s hesitation or a trace of irony that I was minded to accept the suggestion and I suspected that the others would be happy to wear their dresses once again. But on the other hand, Carol and I had promised to take responsibility for preparing and serving our evening meal, although I had to admit that most of the work had been done. Mum noticed my hesitation and quietly spoke in my ear.

‘Go on Becky, it’ll give us oldies a chance to talk about you whilst you’re getting changed.’

‘It won’t take me long to get changed,’ added Carol but you and Lucy can take your time and show us just how good you both can look.’

‘What do you think, Lucy, shall we get changed into our frocks?’

She smiled.

‘Alright, let’s go for it.’

Carol used her own bedroom to get changed, but Lucy and I shared mine and we helped one another to get ourselves ready and fix our hair.

‘You’re going to need to change the colour of your nail varnish, Becky, would you like me to do it for you,’ said Lucy.

‘Yes please, and then I’ll help you with yours.’

I spread out my fingers to enable her to remove the existing coral red lacquer and replace it with the lilac.

‘This will be the third different colour of nail varnish that I’ve worn in three days,’ I commented.

‘It is hard work being a girl, isn’t it,’ said Lucy, smiling.

‘Yes, but it’s also good fun as well,’ I replied.

‘So, no regrets then?’ she asked.

‘Absolutely not! My decision to live as Becky has been the best thing I’ve ever done. By the way, Carol is going to fund the cost of my psych assessment and hormone regime.’

‘Yes, I know. She discussed the idea with me a little time ago. She asked my opinion as to whether she would be doing the right thing for you or whether it was encouraging you to make permanent changes to your body which you might one day regret.’

‘So what did you say to her?’

‘That, as far as I could see, it would be the best possible gift she could ever give you. In any event, the whole purpose of the psychological evaluation would be to ensure that you were fully aware of, and had thought through, the implications of what you were planning to do before you began.’

‘Thank you for saying that, Lucy.’

‘I was only saying what I thought to be true. Anyone who has had had any dealings with you over the last three months must be able to see that you should have been born a girl — in fact that you are a girl with a few hormone and plumbing issues that need sorting out.’

I smiled.

‘I certainly feel like a woman.’

‘Of course you do and you look like one as well.’

I didn’t respond, but watched as my cousin continued painting my nails and felt contented about my new life. I knew that I’d only just begun my journey and there would be many difficulties and some disappointments ahead, but at least I’d now taken control of my destiny, and that felt good.

‘Becky, I’ll need to write up a case study for my psychology course next term. If I may, I should like use your story, although I promise to protect your anonymity.’

‘What will it involve?’

‘I’d like to interview you in some depth about your earliest memories of wanting to be a girl; your feelings about it during your childhood and who you told about it. I’d also like to know about your first experiences of adopting the female role; how you felt and how you came to live and work as a woman. I need to talk about your plans for the future and how your parents and siblings have reacted to the news of your transition.’

[Author’s note: I am sure my readers will realise that Lucy’s notes made three years ago, and subsequently enhanced by me at the suggestion of my therapist, have formed the basis of this story.]

I smiled.

‘Since you both encouraged and assisted me in the early days, I don’t think I can very well refuse: of course you may go ahead and write about me.’

‘Good, in that case I’ll be getting in touch soon after the New Year. But I trust that I didn’t have any fundamental influence on your decision to transition and live as a woman?’

‘No, not really; I actually think it was the opening of ‘Pandora’s trunk’ that caused me to make the irrevocable decision to live as a woman.’

‘No doubt I’ll be mentioning that you believe this to be so in my write-up, but of course I’ll retain an appropriate academic scepticism and detachment.’

I held up my hands whilst my nails were drying.

‘I’m not really a believer in the supernatural, but it is almost as if that trunk and the clothes that it contained have some magical property. They seem to provide me with a profound sense of confidence in myself as a woman and the rightness of my decision.’

‘In that case I hope this dress that you’ve given me will do the same for me. I need to break the news to my parents that I don’t intend to return to East Anglia when my degree is finished next summer but rather to apply for funding to continue to research for a PhD.’

‘I don’t mind acting as your undergraduate case study, but I wouldn’t want you to base your PhD on me,’ I said laughing.

‘Don’t worry, I wouldn’t put you through that; but I must admit though that observing you over the last three months has caused me to take an interest in the psychology of gender identity. There is so much that we don’t yet understand.’

‘I’ll be interested to know what you discover in due course.’

Lucy and I spent nearly an hour and a half in helping one another to get ready before we came downstairs. Carol had taken only half of this time and undoubtedly looked smart and sophisticated in her long black dress. However, we had the advantage of youth on our side and both looked and felt like a couple of princesses. Both Uncle Frank and Cousin Jack’s faces displayed their surprise and admiration as we entered the room. Carol also looked happy for us and both Mum and Aunt Jill looked on with obvious pride at how lovely their respective daughters could look.

~o~O~o~

The remainder of our Christmas Day went well with everybody entering in to the spirit of the celebration. During the remainder of the afternoon and the evening I found the confidence to speak with each member of Lucy’s family and to be open and honest in my answers to any questions about my future. After his minor faux pas earlier, Cousin Jack went out of his way to be as polite and respectful towards me as he could. I even engaged in a little mild flirting with him, and once he’d gotten over the initial shyness and awkwardness associated with any sixteen year-old, he was happy to have his photograph taken with his arms round both myself and his sister.

The evening meal was in the form of a buffet. Carol and I had already done most of the preparatory work and so it was just a question of laying out the dishes and letting people help themselves. I didn’t bother too much about eating as I was happy enough just to circulate among the guests and I didn’t want to risk dropping food on my lovely dress. I noticed that Lucy engaged in a serious conversation with both her parents at one point, so perhaps I was right about the effect of wearing that dress had on her self-confidence. I also later noticed Carol deep in conversation with Mum, although, at the time, the significance didn’t register.

Our guests left just before midnight and Mum insisted that she would quickly clear up the worst of the mess downstairs, whilst Carol and I could go and get changed out of our gowns. I was just about to begin doing so when there was a knock on my bedroom door. It was my sister.

‘May I have a talk, Becky?’

‘Yes, of course, please come in and take a seat on the bed.’

‘I’ve just told Mum all about Geoff, and the fact that although I love him, he is married and has a young family, and also that he’s never likely to leave his wife.’

‘I see; so how did she react?’

‘Much better than I’d thought. She wasn’t judgmental. She just said that she’d always love and support me; that I must do whatever I thought was right but that I should also think very carefully before I did anything which might cause the breakup of a family and the loss of a father to young kids. She said that she now accepts that the breakup of her own marriage was partly her fault; there was more she might have done to save it. She tells me that she now feels sorry, especially that you were brought up without a father.’

‘She needn’t do so. I had a reasonably happy childhood apart from having to hide my true gender identity. I’m sure that it had nothing to with my wanting to live as a girl. But what made you suddenly decide to tell her?’

Carol sighed.

‘I’ve been unsure what to do for some time; I’m nearly 34 and I want a family, and I’m not prepared to wait around for Geoff to make up his mind. Yesterday morning I wasn’t intending to say anything to Mum and didn’t know what I was going to do. However, as I was changing into this dress after lunch I began to see a way forward.’

‘What is that?’ I asked.

‘I’ve just ditched all my contraceptive pills and tomorrow I intend to write and tell Geoff what I’ve done. If we continue to meet and have sex and I fall pregnant, then he will have to take financial responsibility to help me bring up our child as a single mother. He is easily able to do so as he already earns substantially more than I do. As long as he does so, he may have regular access to our child, and I’ll not seek to undermine or disrupt his marriage in any way. If, on the other hand, he decides that he doesn’t wish to continue our relationship, then so be it, I’ll pay for artificial insemination from a sperm donor. Either way I hope to be pregnant by the time I’m 35.’

‘But what about your job?’

‘I’ll be able to take maternity leave, although I’d also hope to resume my career afterwards. So I shall be looking for an au-pair whom I can really trust when the child is born and for the first few years. From what I saw the day before yesterday I was wondering whether you might be interested in such a job? Of course I’d pay you the ‘going rate’ and we could move to a more child-friendly location, if you wish.’

‘Really!’ I said in some surprise.

‘Yes, I am quite serious.’

‘In some ways that could fit in with my plans,’ I responded after a moment’s thought. ‘Although I’m grateful to the Club for providing me with an opportunity to live as Becky, I don’t really see my future as a drag queen. I’d intended to leave after a few months and to try and find a job which matched my new identity.’

‘Working as an au-pair might be good for you as it would give you a certain amount of flexibility whilst you are undergoing your transition,’ my sister suggested.

‘In the longer term, though, I’d also like to resume my education. The London College of Fashion runs a number of part-time courses for dress designers which might suit me.’

‘Well, let us hope things work out for both of us.’

~o~O~o~

On Boxing Day, I dressed casually with a pink sweater, trousers and a minimum of make-up. Carol, on the other hand, dressed quite smartly as she had previously arranged to visit a former school friend in Norwich who had recently given birth to a baby. I suspected that she may have also welcomed the forty minute drive away from Mum and myself to think about her own future. I therefore spent the morning at home with Mum learning how to set up and use the sewing machine that she’d bought for me. We soon found that we were getting on well together and ultimately we were both quite pleased with my first efforts.

‘Becky, I’m so sorry that I appeared angry and disappointed when I first learned of your decision to live as a woman. I can see now that you are only fulfilling your destiny and being the person you should always have been.’

‘You really don’t need to apologise, Mum. It was a difficult changeover for us all to make. I’ve seen over the last few days how you’ve gone out of your way to make things easier for me.’

‘Maybe, but I wish we could have been more honest with one another many years ago,’ she said wistfully. ‘I would have really enjoyed teaching one of my daughters how to sew.’

‘It is not too late, Mum. We don’t live that far away from one another. There will be times when I can come and stay here and also when you can come to visit the two of us,’ I replied.

‘I hope so,’ she replied. ‘

~o~O~o~

Carol returned in time for a traditional Boxing Day lunch of cold meat.

‘What are you planning to do this afternoon, Becky?’ she asked.

‘I promised to call on Will and his sister but I’ll only be there for an hour or so.’

‘I trust you’ll be changing into a dress and putting on some make-up before you go,’ added Mum, and I realised that I had been completely accepted as her daughter.

‘I think that I’m going to get changed as well,’ announced Carol. ‘I’m going to wear that long dress that you gave me, Becky, as it seems to give me the confidence I will need to write to Geoff.’

On this occasion I didn’t need to wear my long dress from ‘Pandora’s trunk,’ as I’d been gradually developing the self-confidence and self-esteem that I needed to be able to live as Becky. As a result, my meeting with my former schoolfriend and his sister went well. After the merest trace of awkwardness, we were soon laughing together about events in our childhood and I came away thinking that I would no longer need to be anxious about meeting anyone who’d known me from my past.

~o~O~o~

Carol and I had to leave Brome after breakfast on Sunday morning to give me enough time to get ready for my work that evening.

‘Thanks Mum, for everything; it has been a great Christmas,’ I said as we hugged before we were about to leave.’

‘Thank you, girls, this has been the best Christmas I’ve had for a long time.’

‘There’s going to be a lot for us both to think about for the New Year,’ added Carol to me as we were driving away.

~o~O~o~

So that pretty well takes my story to the end of 2009, which is the point where I’d decided to end this first volume of my autobiography. This was the year that saw the beginnings of the many far-reaching changes that have taken place in my life since. That was the year in which my relationships with my parents, my sister and my cousin all changed for the better as I began to understand whom I really was. No doubt other volumes may appear in years to come as I pass on through life. I still own ‘Pandora’s trunk’, which remains unopened in my bedroom as a reminder to me of the person I used to be, but my childhood and adolescence now seem so distant and almost as if they happened to another person. I do still wear some of the lovely clothes that the trunk used to contain, especially if I have to attend any formal function, as wearing them always gives me more confidence in myself as a woman.

~The End~

[Postscript]

Upon reflection, the first sentence of the previous paragraph isn’t entirely true. There was just one other conversation that took place in 2009 which is worthy of record, and which I now give below.

According to my usual rota, I was not due to work on New Year’s Eve, which fell on a Thursday, but I volunteered to do so as my new friend Susie had been surprised to receive an invitation to a New Year’s party from one of her brothers. It had been addressed to her using her femme name and she was anxious to accept as she felt it might represent a thawing of relations between them. As a result, I found myself serving behind the bar at the club at about 11.00pm.

‘Hello Becky, did you have a good Christmas?’ asked Roger, who’d approached without my noticing.

‘Yes thanks,’ I answered smiling. ‘How about you?’

‘Not too bad, thanks! So did you manage to sort out your life?’

I smiled.

‘Oh that’s a task that is likely to take me some time yet, but I feel I’ve made a good start. How about you, Roger, have you made any New Year’s resolutions?’

‘Yes; I am going to think carefully before I ask anyone out for dinner again,’ he answered going a little red.

‘Oh! that’s a pity because one of my New Year’s resolutions is going to be that I won’t automatically turn down any guy that asks me out to dinner in future, …. especially if I like him.’

As I said the final phrase I looked into his eyes.

‘Does that mean that if I were to ask you out to dinner once again you might accept?’ he asked, looking both surprised and hopeful.

‘Well, of course 2010 and my New Year’s resolution don’t begin for another hour yet; but I hope you’ll think that I’m worth the wait!’ I replied, smiling.