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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 18 The week before Christmas
 

During the last week of November and the first three weeks of December I used every opportunity when I was not working to make plans and preparations for my future life. I continued my researches on the internet and also registered with a local GP surgery under Nick’s name. I then telephoned to make an appointment to see a female doctor. I was inevitably a little anxious about what I would say to the receptionist when Becky turned up for Nick’s appointment, but they had a new automated system which enabled me to record my arrival in the waiting room using a terminal. It wasn’t until I saw the doctor and explained that I believed I was suffering from Gender Identity Disorder and asked to be referred to an appropriate therapist that I needed to explain anything. I was clearly not the first such patient that she had encountered, as she was entirely business-like and respectful in her dealings with me. She asked me a few questions about my background and my current working life, and whether I had discussed the matter with my parents, but it must have been plain to her that I was serious by the way I was dressed. She agreed to make the necessary referral and also made a note on my medical record that henceforth I would be using my chosen female name and that in future I would be referred to in my new gender by the practice staff. A few days later I received a letter, addressed to Becky, offering me an appointment early in January.

In the meanwhile, whilst waiting for my appointment, I continued taking the testosterone blockers and soon obtained a new three-month supply from the address given me by Susie. As a result of taking them I found it far easier to tuck my penis out of sight and I was no longer worried that I might accidentally become aroused at work.

I assumed that Carol had told Dad by this time, but she didn’t say anything about it on those few occasions we spent some time together and I chose not to ask. Presumably he had not reacted too well when he heard the news. I continued to speak to Mum every Sunday afternoon and answered all her questions as honestly and openly as I could but there were certain areas where we did not venture, such as my taking testosterone blockers. However, I did not try to hide from her the fact that I had seen my GP and would be seeking hormone therapy.

~o~O~o~

Christmas Day 2009 was due to fall on a Friday and the club would also be closed on Boxing Day. I would therefore have from the Wednesday morning until the Sunday evening off work. Carol also decided to have a break from her work and we agreed with Mum that we would travel up to stay with her in a hire car on the Wednesday evening and return to London on the Sunday morning. This would give us three full days in Brome.

‘I’ll collect the car whilst you are sleeping on Wednesday morning, Becky, and I’d like you to be ready to leave after lunch,’ suggested Carol.

‘But the drive will only take two and a half hours, won’t we arrive far too early if Mum’s going to be working?’

‘There may be heavy traffic, and in any event I have a couple of presents to deliver in the area first.’

I didn’t argue since Carol would be the driver and was also paying for the hire car.

‘Alright I’ll have everything packed and ready the day before.’

‘Have you decided what clothes you will be taking?’

‘Not yet. But at least I have plenty to choose from these days.’

‘Yes you certainly do, I get quite envious of your wardrobe sometimes.’

‘By the way, I’ve decided to give that blue strapless evening dress and the accessories to Lucy as a Christmas present, since she looked so lovely when she wore it a couple of weeks ago.’

‘I’m sure she will be very pleased with it.’

‘And you too, Carol, I can’t really afford to buy you anything expensive, but would you like the long black dress that you wore that night?’

‘That is very generous of you, Becky; you have already given me an expensive leather coat.’

‘I want to say a particular ‘thank you’ to both of you for everything that you’ve done for me over the last three and a half months. It will still leave me with two lovely long evening dresses, although I’ll need to grow some more convincing boobs before I can safely wear the lime green dress.'

‘In that case will you be taking your lilac dress with you to Brome?’

‘I hadn’t planned to so as I don’t think there will be a suitable occasion for me to wear it.’

‘I think you should take it along, just in case, together with the matching shoes and jewelry, you never know but there may be an opportunity.’

My last three nights at work were good fun as everybody seemed to be in a party mood. I even caught sight of Roger whom I hadn’t seen since I’d turned down his offer to take me to dinner. He was with a group of his friends, but I managed to sidle over to have a brief word.

‘Hello stranger, I’ve not seen you for a week or two,’ I said giving him the nicest smile I could manage.

He blushed slightly, but didn’t appear to mind my approaching him.

‘I know, I’ve been busy,’ he replied.

‘Are you doing anything exciting over Christmas?’ I asked in an effort to make conversation.

‘I’ll be spending it with my parents in Leicester. How about you, Becky?’

‘I’ll be in East Anglia. I’m not exactly looking forward as it will be my first Christmas at home as Becky, and I’ll have to face various relatives and neighbours. However, once it is over, maybe I can begin to sort out my life.’

I said the last sentence whilst looking straight into his eyes, hoping he might take the hint, in due course.

‘Well … Merry Christmas, then.’

‘And to you,’ I replied, and was about to leave, but one of his friends came up with a sprig of mistletoe, which he held significantly over our heads.

I suppose I could have slipped away as I usually would do in such circumstances, but on this occasion waited to see what would happen. After a moment’s hesitation Roger kissed me on the lips. However, he then became conscious of his friends looking on and so we soon separated.

‘See you after Christmas, Becky,’ he said quietly.

‘I hope so,’ I replied ‘but I really must now get back to work.’ With that I left, not knowing quite what to think about the incident.

~o~O~o~

I was packed and ready to leave by 12.30 the following day when Carol arrived with the hire car. After a brief sandwich lunch we’d loaded our suitcases and by 1.15 had joined the A1 road, heading northwards out of London. We chatted about our work and the fact that there seemed to be plenty of traffic on the road, although fortunately no significant hold ups. Thus by 3.00pm we’d reached the Bury St Edmunds by-pass, only thirty minutes’ drive from our destination. It seemed that we were going to be far too early as Mum wouldn’t be home until six. However, instead of taking the A143 towards Diss, we continued on the trunk road.

‘Where are we going, Carol?’ I asked.

‘Stowmarket; I need to deliver Dad’s Christmas present.’

I hadn’t thought to ask where Dad was now living since his second marriage.

‘Carol, I can’t go in to see him, dressed like this.’

‘I don’t see why not, you look fine to me.’

I was wearing a dark red georgette dress with matching high heeled shoes and handbag. As usual, my makeup and nail varnish had been carefully chosen to complement my outfit.

‘But I haven’t seen him in more than ten years. I won’t know what to say, and I’ve never met his new wife.’

‘I’ve already checked, Dad will be at home alone this afternoon, babysitting his two step-grandchildren whilst his wife and step daughter do some last minute Christmas shopping.’

‘But how is he going to react to seeing me dressed as a girl?’

‘Listen Becky, I have already spelled out to him that he forfeited any right he may once have had to tell you how to live your life on the day he walked out on you and Mum. This is his last chance. He either accepts the decisions that you have made about your life or else loses contact with you altogether.’

‘But I wasn’t expecting to meet him so soon. I haven’t brought him a gift or a Christmas card.’

‘Don’t worry, he won’t be expecting any gift from you. You’ll find a suitably worded Christmas card for you to sign in my handbag, together with a couple of small gifts for his grandchildren.’

The Christmas card proved to be one intended for a daughter to give to her father, and the gifts for a little girl and her baby brother were already wrapped, with a label for me to fill in my name. Clearly Carol had been planning the whole encounter for some time.

‘I really don’t know Carol, you have rather sprung this on me,’ I fretted.

‘Yes I have. Well you can sit out in the car if you wish to do so, but I assumed you’d have a little more courage than that.’

I would certainly have done if I’d had my talisman to hand, but it was not the sort of thing that could be carted around the countryside wherever I went. I remained silent as we turned off the main road and found ourselves in a 1970s housing development.

‘Well, Becky, what are you going to do?’

I took a deep breath: ‘Alright, do you have a pen to write the card and the labels with.’

‘You’ll find one in my handbag.’

We pulled up outside a neat semi-detached house and Carol led the way up the pathway. Dad had noticed our arrival and opened the front door before we had a chance to ring the doorbell.

‘Hi Dad, Merry Christmas!’ said Carol giving him a hug and a kiss.

Before he had any chance to respond, she added, ‘and this is Becky, your younger daughter.’

‘Hello Dad,’ I said quietly, whilst simultaneously blushing to the roots of my hair.

‘Hello …. Becky, you’ve certainly changed a lot since we last met,’ he said, taking my hand.

‘I guess so, but as far as I’m concerned the change has been for the better. I am far happier now than before.’

‘So I understand, from your sister.’

It was an awkward encounter. There was so much that we both might have said, so many questions we both might have asked, but somehow it didn’t seem to be the right time to ask them. But at least the ice had now been broken; we’d now met and spoken to one another without tears or recriminations. He invited us to go in and take a seat. Neither Dad nor I seemed to know what to say next. Carol came to the rescue. She had kept in touch with Dad both throughout her University career and afterwards and so proceeded to ask questions about his life and new family. After a little while of listening Dad left to put the kettle on and Carol offered to help. I used their absence as an opportunity to introduce myself and chat to his four year old step granddaughter, Ellie. I asked her to tell me the names of her dolls, and was happy to join with her game and take a part in her doll’s tea party. It was nice to be invited to enter in to her world as playing with dolls was something I’d never been able to experience as a child.

By the time they returned from the kitchen with the tea, I had Ellie on my lap reading her a story. It was at this point that her baby brother, who had been happily sleeping in a pram decided to wake up and exercise his lungs at full volume.

Both Dad and Carol looked on horrified.

‘He can’t be hungry as his mother fed him two hours ago before she left for her shopping trip,’ Dad said anxiously.

‘In that case there must be some other reason,’ I said lifting Ellie off my lap and picking up her brother.

The smell emanating from the baby’s lower regions indicated what the trouble was.

‘Do you know where your Mummy keeps Tom’s changing bag?’ I asked Ellie.

She went to the next room and returned with a bag containing everything I might need, and a changing mat.

‘Would you like to help me to change Tom?’ I asked her.

‘He smells bad,’ she replied.

‘I know but we are going to make him smell nice once again.’

‘Alright then,’ she said and handed me the various items necessary to dispose of his soiled nappy, clean him up, and replace it with a new one.

As soon as we had done so Tom ceased crying, and after a couple of minutes of cooing and gently tickling him we had him happily chuckling. After a further five minutes in my arms he was fast asleep once again so I gently laid him in his pram and returned to finish the story that I was reading Ellie. It was then that I noticed both Carol and Dad had been staring at me in amazement.

Dad’s new wife and her daughter returned from their shopping trip half an hour later to find that Ellie had become quite attached to her newly discovered aunt. I don’t know whether or not Dad had said anything to them about my background, but they both treated me without a trace of awkwardness. Tom’s mother thanked me for changing him, and Dad’s new wife invited us all to stay for tea. We turned down the invitation explaining that we were expected at Brome, but promised to call in next time we were in the area. We handed over the cards and presents and wished everybody a Merry Christmas. As we were leaving Dad had a quiet word with me.

‘Becky, I understand from your sister that you have Wednesday afternoons off work. I have to make deliveries to North London on Wednesdays and am usually finished by about 3.00pm. Maybe we could meet up sometime after Christmas and have a chat together.’

‘Alright, I’d like that,’ I replied, knowing that although it would take some time, with good will on both sides we should be able to repair our relationship.

‘I didn’t have a lot of notice that you were coming today but this morning I went out and bought you a pair of earrings,’ he continued, handing me a small jewelry case. ‘I hope they will be ok.’

The case was not wrapped, and so I assumed that I could open it without waiting for Christmas day. Inside was a neat looking pair of silver drop earrings. It was not a design that I would have chosen for myself, but it was the thought that mattered.

‘Thank you, Dad, they’re lovely. Would it be alright if I put them in straightaway.’

He looked pleased with my suggestion and so I quickly took out the ones I was wearing and inserted the new ones in their place. I then gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before we both took our leave.

‘I’m glad you forced me into visiting this afternoon,’ I said to Carol as we drove away.

‘So am I,’ she replied.

~o~O~o~

During the half hour drive from Stowmarket to Brome Carol said something that quite astounded me. It was said half in jest, but like many such comments, perhaps contained an element of truth.

‘There are times when I feel quite inadequate, compared to you, Becky.’

This was my successful elder sister speaking, who was always elegantly dressed, held down a challenging and responsible job, had her own flat and a healthy bank balance. How could she be envious of me who had almost nothing and would never be a fully functioning physical woman no matter how much I felt that I was one in my soul?

‘Whatever do you mean?’ I asked in surprise.

‘The way you made your bedroom so much more comfortable, and whoever taught you to be so good with young children?’

‘It’s not a question of being taught so much as a combination of instinct and common sense,’ I replied.

‘I think I must be lacking in both,’ she replied wistfully.

I didn’t answer, but clearly the matter remained on her mind.

‘When we get to Mum’s house, you will be far more helpful to her than me. It is not that I’m lazy and don’t want to help, but rather that you can see what needs to be done and get on with it without being asked. I was never expected to do any housework when I was a girl, just told to get on with my homework.’

‘I think Mum may have been in awe of your intellectual abilities, whereas by the time I was growing up there were only the two of us and so she was happy to show me what needed to be done.’

‘I think that was one reason why I didn’t come back to stay very often once I had left for University, and it was ultimately why Dad left. You two seemed to be getting on so well together.’

There was a moment’s silence whilst I took in what she had just said.

‘Carol, why don’t we volunteer to prepare the Christmas dinner together and leave Mum to entertain the guests for once?’ I would much prefer to be occupied when the guests arrive.

‘I would like to but, as I said, I wouldn’t know where to start.’

‘Well, if you are prepared to act as the kitchen maid and follow my instructions, I’ll keep an eye on the cooking.’

‘Alright, that’s a deal.’

We arrived at Mum’s house in Brome almost simultaneously with her returning from work.