Suicide is never an option

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Sometimes, I have trouble believing that suicide is never an option. And once again, just the other day, I found myself considering suicide as a viable option because of a laundry list of reasons. First of all, I don’t have anything in my life to fall back on. I don’t have anything to throw myself into in order to dull the pain and help me forget-for a little while at least. In particular, my job prospects are bleak, as they have been for quite some time. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Taking a brutally honest look at my life, I realize that I haven’t any prospects for any kind of career in the near future, for instead of a resume, I just have a list of low paying jobs over the past decade. All I’ve been doing is just drifting from one to the other. To make matters worse, I’ve burned many bridges over the years because of my at times impulsive nature. Then of course there’s my personal life, or lack thereof. I’m a complete recluse nowadays because of the anxiety and accompanying depression I’ve suffered from for so long. They have thoroughly destroyed any chance at any kind of normal life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been on the outside looking in. For the longest time, it was incredibly painful, but now I’m just numb, because in order to survive, I’ve become adept at suppressing my emotions. Now it’s gotten to the point where I feel so cold and distant that I wouldn’t even know how to rejoin the human race so to speak. So, basically what I’m saying is that I feel like a failure in nearly every way imaginable, both career wise and socially, so much so that my underlying desire to be a woman is the least of my problems. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, nor is this a desperate and juvenile bid for attention or some kind of cry for help. It is none of the above. This is a dispassionate and honest assessment of my life, and after performing this assessment I realize that if I chose to, I would have every right to end my life. After all, everyone has their breaking point, and now that I’m approaching my thirty-fourth year on this Earth, I feel I am nearing the end of my rope despite my best efforts. I’ve given it the old college try and then some, but I’m running out of reasons to continue this existence. Continuing to live because it would upset a few family members if I killed myself is about the only reason I have left to cling to, and clearly that’s not a strong enough reason to endure a life that has been reduced to a mere existence. I don’t know how much longer I can continue living in this box I feel trapped in. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to play a game that seems to have been rigged from the beginning. And I’m not sure if I can make it through the rest of this year without turning my suicide fantasy into a reality. All that being said, I’ll try to resist, at least for the rest of this year. Anyway, for those of you who chose to read through to the end of this depressing summation of my life, thanks for listening. I had to tell someone.

Comments

I have been there and thought that,

but you know what? There IS life after depression! I am living proof of it. In your words above, I read my own life story.

The difference between us is only that I decided that I wasn't going to let life dump on me. I went out, I CAME out, in a HUGE way: A book signing, a radio and TV interview, and coming out as Cathy at work.

All that on the same weekend that my Mother died in hospital, and I had just buried my cat, my companion of 14 years... and was still recovering from the death of my cousin, my brother, my hero in life, the ONLY male I could honestly say that I loved... as in romantic love. By the way... all this when I was past 60 years of age.

The thing is, you can't just sit. You have to do SOMETHING constructive. You have to make a decision to take responsibility for the rest of your life. The past is past and no one can change that, but YOU have the power to change your future.

Life ain't fair. We all know that. You have to WORK to make it less unfair, and the only way to do that is to take charge. Make decisions and then carry them out. Live up to who and what you truly feel yourself to be, regardless of the consequences.

Nobody is gonna GIVE you anything. If you want something, you have to TAKE it by the throat and make it yours. Now I'm not saying be ruthless. What I AM saying is that your life is in your hands. What you make of it is up to you.

I'm so glad you've stuck around this long. I feel that you have the strength to stay around for a lot longer, but you have to want it. You are right that suicide is NEVER an option. It's the coward's way out. It stops your pain, but creates pain for those who care about you.

I STRONGLY suggest therapy. Find a therapist you can trust, and talk things out with him or her. It DOES help, take it from me. If not for therapy, I might have taken that dark path myself. It was therapy that allowed me to gather the courage to begin transition, to write, to communicate, to come out to the world as my real self.

That you had the courage to come here and write about how you feel tells me that you WANT to live. Don't let those dark feelings and shadows get you down or keep you down. You CAN beat them. It isn't easy. Nothing worth having is easy, but you can do it. I believe in you.

I'm on skype as Cathy_t_ and I'm here at the site every day, almost all day. You can call or message me on skype... you can PM me here. If you want, you can give me your phone number in a PM and I will call you. I am here if you need to talk, vent, yell at, cry on, whatever.

Hang in there, kiddo. It DOES get better, if you let it.

Huggles and love,
Catherine Linda Michel

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

We have a few things in common

I too have been there. It sucks knowing you're your own worst enemy but it doesn't make it any less true. My job history is a shambles going from one low wage position to another although I know I'm much more capable. Even when I do find a halfway decent position I end up poisoning it with my depression and complete lack of an immune system missing far too many days.

However, I was able to find games and gamers that let me exercise at least some of my femininity in the form of simulated characters. It kept sane for many years if not well. The biggest change was meeting my wife, a gamer chick with whom I clicked, (Understanding Spouse).

Writing too has helped me immensely. It's always nice to get compliments for my scribbles, but I write for me. It lets me explore how I feel about this, that or the other as well exercise more of my femininity. I'm a hopeless romantic as well as addicted to the Disney Ending. Not all of my stuff is like that, but honestly I think most is.

The thing is don't give up. As Dark as it may seem, things will change for the better. The other is that there are many here who has been there as well. Talk to them! I fail epically at this, so don't follow my example. That's what makes this such a wonderful community. The care we have for each other, wounded doves that we are.

Big Hugs
Grover

Sorry, but there is not many jobs for people underselling ...

... themselves. Be bold. Ask a lot of money.
Even if after trial period you get fired, you have experience, line in resume and money for half a year of your "normal" life :-)
Good case scenario - you get high paying job you can do and can enjoy.
You should embellish your previous job's salary a bit. Embellish your role a little bit. Say something like you've being good Samaritan and worked there to help people and not cause you can't find better job.
Just go through all of the major corporations, send your resume, ask for lots of money. Even if your last job was window cleaner you can manage team of window cleaners. If you were moving furniture you can manage team of movers. There is always someone who will pay good money to proactive person.
Use POSITIVE attitude. If you encounter problem - regard it as a challenge and find a way to overcome it.
There was great advice in one SF/fantasy Russian movie regarding how to go through solid walls. This advice can be used for most job related things. For most things in life: "Keep your mind/eyes on target. Believe in yourself. Don't notice any obstacles."
And it works. Me, with my chronical (but mild) depression of last several years, with all my problems and insecurities, spent last six years in key positions on several successful "biggest in geographical region" projects. And it's in a country that is in constant state of fighting economic problems for the last 15 years.
One more thing: my current job have no relation to my education. And about 10 years ago I had major change in my career area. And yes, some 20 years ago I considered myself programmer and considered move to sysadmin job :-) And now I am close to move into construction business :-)
So, don't let your education or lack of education hold you. Bill Gates was college reject and proudly announced firing last of college educated people in early 90-s. :-) Most of those who was left in MS now can sell their shares and move into 1000 of richest people in the world :-)

And yes, I still have no idea how humans work. :-) I have developed over years some methods that allow me to function in society, but I have no idea why those particular methods work, and why logically sound and obvious things make no sense for the humans.

Best of wishes!
Racer.

PS: check Google site for job openings. They have some positions open for like forever. Maybe they are waiting for you. And they state commitment to diversity and such...

A thought

persephone's picture

Drew

I read your blog and I was struck by the fact that it was written by someone who was both educated and careful in their use of words.
You say that "I’ve always been on the outside looking in." In effect existing rather than living. Having struggled through the pain of endurance I find that your words struck an incredibly strong chord with me.

However...

After struggling through, existence has turned into life. I laugh and cry and love what I do now.
For me the first step was to ask for help and advice. God that was hard! The second was to take it.
Women do it far more easily than men - I guess it's a cultural macho thing.

If you think I might be able to help, PM me.

Jenny

Persephone

Non sum qualis eram

I've Had Chronic Clinical Depression

Since 1970 and I've been on antidepressants since 1977. I have a genetic depression from my mom's family; I think this means that some protein(s) that is(are) supposed to store or move or modify neurotransmitters, like seratonin, are misconstructed and don't work optimally. I felt great after GRS and felt terrible after being fired from my job of 14 yrs for being trans, but either way I had to keep taking my meds.

It's obvious to me that if you can't reduce your depression, your motivation is flat and it's hard as hell to get anything done. It's like that for me now. OTOH, unless your depression is so severe that you are actually psychotic or if you have another psychotic mental illness, there is not a reason to die. If you are psychotic you need meds and possibly hospitalization. I know if you are poor, your mental health care is also likely to be poor, it is for me. You could try to pool all your motivation to find some kind of effective mental health care, then hassle them until they give you something that reduces your depression. When you are less depressed, you'll feel better about yourself and probably have somewhat more motivation. At that point you can try to follow some of the other advice.

With antidepressants that work, you could try to get some estrogen any way you can. It might make you feel good enough that it will be worth the risk of not having medical supervision. It also takes a while to change your brain, like the anti de's do, so be patient.

Hang in there. Sometimes depression will lessen on it's own; ya never know!

Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee

Deleted

S.L.Hawke's picture

Removed by author. Sent as a PM instead...

A failure at 34

Patricia Marie Allen's picture

I almost thought I was reading my life's story. At about that age, I lost the only real job I'd had in my adult life. I went to an employment agency to get another one, was hired, then fired a year later. I took a job as a salesman and I sucked at it. My marriage was in the crapper, my 13-year-old daughter became a chronic runaway and drug user. With in the year, my house was repossessed. I tried being self-employed only to have to rely on my dad to make my rent. I tried reaching outside of myself by becoming a live-in counselor for drug and alcohol rehab. In a year and a half, the place closed down and I was without work and a place to live. I moved in with my 18-year-old daughter. How's that for a failure?

Got a job at half the wages I'd been making when I lost the first job I mentioned. That lasted less then two year and I was laid off. Tried again to make it self-employed and ended up $ 15,000 thousand in debt to the IRS and Oregon Dept. of Revenue. My wife, who was not happy took a job as a caregiver at an adult foster care home and we lived in. A year later, we were again homeless and without a job. I managed another dead end job and before the year was out I broke my knee (not on the job) and spent six months in recovery only to discover they didn't hold my job open for me.

Got a job as a temp and was release from that after eight months. I was going nowhere fast.

Mind you I was now 60-years-old. In the midst of all the above, I lost any "close" friends I'd had and had no prospect for developing any new friends. All I really have left is a few members of my family. Yet in all this time, I didn't consider suicide.

I realized, as you should, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Believe me, all problems are temporary with the exception of a terminal illness and at that point suicide is a moot point. I've had enough problems in my 67 years, more than my share... I know of what I speak.

Look up the number of your local suicide hot line and keep it handy. When the "fantasy" becomes strong, call and listened. Take them up on their offer to meet with you. Who knows maybe you'll make a friend and find a reason to live.

Hugs
Patricia

Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann

I hear you

I hope you can find your way out.

Ellen

I have been there

Wendy Jean's picture

And sometimes, despite my best efforts, I revisit that place. I am fortunate enough to have good friends and family that are traveling with me or support me.

I don't want an address, but what part of the world are you living? Look for support groups, you will find the local trans community is very supportive. They can be hard to find (just like us), but they do exist.