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Edited by S.L.Hawke
Image Copyright © 2012 Tracey Willows

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The Taylor Project
 

Chapter Thirty-Five

Hailey shot Grandma the finger after she walked away. “It’s not right that she’s threatening to hit you even if she’s calling it a spanking.”

“I love you like a sister, but that’s not helping.” I sunk down onto the floor where I was and started sobbing. “Oh God, she hates me.”

Hailey rushed over and held me, and I know she said some things, but I just cried in her arms for awhile. I was so out of it that whatever she said didn’t really register. Eventually my sobs slowed down, and I felt a little more rational. It was obvious what I had to do. It had been Grandma’s anger that had terrified me, not her threat to spank me. “Hailey, please don’t get into a fight with my Grandma. If she wants to spank me, I’ll get a spanking. It’s not that bad. I can handle it.”

“Taylor! I can’t just let her hit you.” She had taken out her cellphone at some point and gestured with it. “We can call for help.”

“She may be fat but she’s not that strong and she was just going to spank me. That’s not worth fighting. Legally it’s not hitting, or at least not here. In Texas parents and teachers can spank kids. I haven’t had one in years, but it won’t be the first one I’ve had. If it comes down to it, I’ll bend over and take the spanking. Do you really think a few smacks of her hand or a belt on my ass is going to beat the girl out of me?”

She burst out laughing. “Not when you put it that way, but it’s still not right. You’re not a little kid.”

“What are you going to do? Call our parents and spoil their honeymoon? They’re not even in the country. This is so not the way I want to break the news to them.”

“We could call the cops.”

I stared at her in disbelief. I always thought Hailey was a bit smarter than me, and she sure was better than I was with the whole people skills thing. Yet, she sometimes had this idealistic blind spot. “Get real. The cops show up, and Grandma will tell them she tried to give me a spanking because I was dressed as a girl. They’d probably haul us off and give her a medal. Even supposing they took our side, what would they do? Call Child Protective Services and put us in some halfway house or something until our parents get back? You think I’m likely to get better treated there? I mean, would even you be better treated there?”

Hailey looked less certain, but still argued the point. “I’ve got an aunt and you’re related to half the people who live around here, aren’t you? CPS wouldn’t really put us in a home would they?”

“Do you really want to take that chance? Besides, the cops would take her side. Let’s just wait until our parents get home. If it’s just a spanking I’ll take it. If she starts hitting me, then we can call.”

“I don’t like it,” said Hailey, but her tone said she reluctantly accepted it. “Are you sure you don’t want me to call my mom?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. What good will it do? Is she going to hop a plane and fly back? Send your aunt to come get you and leave me here? Regardless, it will ruin their honeymoon. I don’t want to be responsible for that.”

“Alright, those are good reasons, but we should probably tell someone just so someone else knows.”

“Cathy knows.” While it was probably a good thing that we had a witness safely out of Grandma’s reach, I missed her. She hadn’t really accepted me herself, but she’d stood by my side. No time for that now. “I should get dressed. Would you get me a wet washrag to clean up the makeup?”

“Of course, be right back.” Hailey went out to the bathroom.

I looked at the mirror. I’d change, but Grandma was going to be surprised. Taylor wasn’t going entirely away. I left on the bra and panties and just put my boy clothes on over them. I might not have makeup any longer, but I obviously had boobs.

Hailey knocked before entering. “So you’re not going to hide your breasts any longer?”

“No, my boobs are my most convincing argument. Do I look like a boy?”

Hailey gave a short burst of laughter with a tilted shake of her head. “Actually, you look like a raccoon at the moment. You need to clean your face.” She handed over the wet washrag that I’d requested.

I giggled at that and started cleaning up. Hailey was right;I did look like a raccoon. Too much makeup plus tears equaled raccoon face. I spent a few minutes removing everything, glad that with my dark hair and lashes I did not really need mascara, which I had been told can be hard to remove in a hurry. “OK, how about now?”

“Well, your eyes are still a bit puffy, but that might play in your favor. As for the rest… with that bra and that shirt your boobs are impossible to miss. You look more like a tomboy than anything. I don’t think your Grandma is going to like it.” Her phone suddenly beeped. Hailey brought it out and looked at it. “It’s Cathy. Your grandmother is on the phone with her mom.”

“Crap! We do not need Cathy’s mom involved.” I’d been trying to psych myself up to face Grandma, but I was out of time. “I’m as ready as I’m going to get.”

Hailey’s phone beeped again. She glanced at it. “Cathy wants to know what’s going on. I’ll silence it.” She pushed some buttons. “Done, let’s go face your grandmother. I’ll be right there with you.” She held out her hand to me.

I took her hand drawing strength from that simple contact. While my head was still getting used to the fact that she was now my stepsister, my heart had already accepted her as a true sister. I had absolutely no doubt that Hailey had my back. “I need to do the talking. As mad as she is, she’s still my grandma.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I don’t, but it’s something I’ve got to do.” I took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “Let’s do this.”

Chapter Thirty-Six

“I don’t know, yet,” said Grandma. She was talking on the phone. I knew Cathy’s mom was on the other end, and that scared me to death. Cathy’s mom might out me to all of Pine County if she reacted as badly as I feared she might. As much as Mrs. Andrews worried me, I had to put it aside because there was nothing I could do about it right now. Grandma’s eyes fell on me, and I deliberately thrust out my chest making my boobs as noticeable as I could.

Grandma looked liked she’d just sucked a lemon. “Carol, I’ll call you back. I need to get to the bottom of this.” She hung up. “That was Cathy’s mom. She’s very worried. Cathy ran home in the rain without her raincoat and wouldn’t talk to her mother about what was wrong.” She stopped abruptly and eyed my chest. “I thought you agreed to dress appropriately. Why are you wearing falsies and a bra?”

I swear I could feel my heart beating in my chest. I had a plan, a half-assed guess of a plan, but a plan. I was going to play the boobs card. It was my only play. “I-, I’m-, I’m wearing a bra, because I have boobs. You said dress appropriately. A bra is an appropriate garment for supporting breasts.” I wasn't trying to argue; I was trying to talk with an adult tone. Yet despite my efforts, I think it came out more of a snotty child than adult.

Grandma frowned at me. “Don’t take that tone with me, young man. I don’t care what you’ve stuffed that bra with. Take it off right now.”

“OK, but remember you told me to take it off.” I knew I was being snarky and that I should be polite, but I was psyching myself up to flash my grandmother. I didn’t think anything less would convince her. I dropped Hailey’s hand, grabbed the hem of my shirt, and pulled it off over my head in one smooth movement.

I had Grandma’s full attention. She stared balefully at my exposed bra and breasts with a sour expression that would have done the Grinch proud. She crossed her arms. “The rest of it too. Those are very convincing falsies, but you’re not fooling me. I know you’re not a girl. I changed your diapers. So whatever you’ve done; take it off.”

“Fine.” This all felt surreal, almost like one of my nightmares. I had a brief bizarre image of Grandma as the Red Queen shouting ‘Off with her breasts!’. Unfortunately, Grandma’s venom was all too real. She was in for a shock, but she’d asked for it. With as much bravado as I could muster I slipped off the bra and defiantly bared my breasts. I could feel my face heating and I wanted to cover up. Instead I thrust them out putting them on inspection. “These aren’t fake. They’re real. We’re guessing a 32A, but I haven’t been fitted. They’re attached. I hope you’re happy now.”

“Sweet Jesus, that’s not possible.” She took a couple of steps toward me with her hands outstretched like a surreal cross between a zombie and sex-crazed boy.

“Whoa, no way!” I stepped back and crossed my arms over my boobs. “You insisted so I let you look, but I’m not letting you feel me up.”

Grandma paused like she’d blown a brain circuit. “No, no, of course not. I don’t understand, but you’ve proved your point. Cover up, please. When did this happen? How did this happen? Are you all girl? Down below too?”

Hailey quietly handed me my bra and shirt. I put them both on while trying to think. Did she really believe my penis could just magically fall off? “I wish I was all girl, but I’m still a boy down there. It’s been going on since January at least. Probably longer, I just didn’t notice it until then. It’s a medical condition called gynecomastia caused by a hormone imbalance. It usually goes away on its own, but I don’t want it to go away.”

“Since January? How do you know all this? Why didn’t you say something? Scotty, we need to get you to a doctor and get this straightened out.”

“Please don’t call me Scotty. That’s a boy’s name. My name is Taylor. I know all this because I did my research. I looked it all up on the internet. I don’t want this straightened out because I want it to continue. I’m a girl inside, and I want my outsides to match my insides.”

“Scotty or Taylor, you’re confused. Lord knows you must be, what with growing breasts and all, but you don’t want to be one of those people on a Ricki Lake episode. They’re jokes. People laugh at them! And it goes against what is written in the good book. If you have a medical condition, then you need a doctor and treatment to straighten you out.”

It wasn’t support, but it was a step forward. I could live with her attitude. She wasn’t screaming or yelling, and seeing a doctor was already part of my plan. I’d need a doctor’s help anyway to keep my testosterone from kicking into gear. Agreeing would stall things until Dad and Julie got home, but from my reading I knew that a medical doctor alone wasn’t enough. “I’ll see a doctor, but I want to see a psychiatrist as well, one who specializes in gender disorders.” I wasn’t really looking forward to seeing a therapist, but I probably wasn’t going to get estrogen without one signing off on hormone replacement therapy.

“I think we might have to wait for your father to talk about that. You know he doesn’t put much stock in head shrinkers.”

Hailey squeezed my hand. “Mrs. Miller, I think Taylor is a girl. It isn’t about the breasts. It’s about the way she talks, the way she moves, the way she relates with others. She fits much better as a girl than a boy. Even supposing you’re right, if Taylor is a boy that needs to be straightened out, do you really want to do it on your own? They have therapists that specialize in these things.”

Grandma frowned. “That doesn’t make it right. Maybe some people need it, but a lot more need to hit their knees and be talkin’ to the Lord rather than putting their faith in some shrink. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. First thing we need is to get Scotty into see Doc Buford. I’ll ask him about seeing a head doctor while we're there.”

I’d rather see someone else than Doc Buford. He wasn’t a bad doctor, but he hadn’t noticed my boobs growing when he saw me before. So how good could he be? Plus, he was almost the stereotype of an old country doctor. It was a step in the right direction, but what if he tried to put me on male hormones? Since the only other doctors I knew were my allergist and my dentist, it wasn’t like I had a lot of choice. “I guess Doc Buford is a start.” If they tried to put me on male hormones, I’d follow Hailey’s advice and pitch a major hissy fit. They wouldn’t medicate me against my will, would they?

Grandma started to get up. “I’ll go see if I can get an appointment today or tomorrow. Then I need to call your father.”

“Grandma, please don’t! Hailey and I discussed telling our parents. We don’t want to spoil their cruise. Can we wait to tell them until they get home? It’s only three days.”

She seemed to weigh that for a moment before replying. “That’s very mature of you two. I suppose it won’t do any good to tell them right now. Nothing they could do but worry about it, anyway. First thing when they get back, though, I’m going to tell your father. We can still get you in to see Doc Buford first. Why did you wait so long, child?”

Cathy spoke before I could come up with an answer. “Mrs. Miller, what did you tell Cathy’s mother?”

“The truth, that I found the three of you with Scotty dressed up like a girl.”

I felt a great feeling of dread. Grandma had outed me. “Grandma! She’ll tell everyone.” This would be bad. I was already picturing the feeding frenzy on Monday at school.

“I thought you said you wanted to be a girl, Scotty. You can’t have that and hide it too.”

“I know, but I didn’t want it to come out this way. You can’t keep a secret in this town. Do you want me to get beat up when I go back to school on Monday?”

“See, I glad you haven’t lost all common sense. I’ll get the appointment set up with Doc Buford. We’ll get this straightened out.” She stopped for a really long pause. Just as I was wondering if I’d broken her brain somehow, she spoke. “You’re right. If it’s something medical, there is no sense in your getting teased and beaten up over it. I’ll call Carol, tell her about the medical condition, and ask her to keep it quiet for now.”

Hailey made a strangled noise, but I ignored it. Grandma’s attitude would be dangerous to me if she was my parent, but I could deal with it for three days. I needed to see a doctor anyway. Doc Buford would no doubt run tests, which would take a few days. Before he got the results back, Dad and Julie would be back and in charge. I had no idea if they would be better or worse. I hoped for better, but basically this was a suspended sentence. Judgment would be passed when Dad and Julie returned. “Thank you. I’d really appreciate it if you could talk to her soon-ish. If she starts telling others…” I didn’t want to think about it. The phrase 'cat out the bag' came to mind, but that didn’t begin to encompass the scale of the catastrophe that would be unleashed.

“I’m fixin’ to call her, Scotty, just as soon as we’re done talking. But I don’t want to hear any more of this being-a-girl nonsense either. You obviously know how bad it will be. It just ain’t done. I’ll talk to Carol. You’d better go do whatever you’ve been doin’ to hide them. I don’t know when your brother is going to be back, but I don’t think you want him knowing, now do you?”

“Not especially, ma’am. I’ll strap my boobs down and hide them again before he gets home.” I thought the ma’am couldn’t hurt even though I’d never meant it less in my life. I wasn’t going to give up on being Taylor because Grandma thought ‘it just ain’t done’. About the only thing we actually agreed on was on keeping Rick in the dark. I seriously did not need to deal with him as well.

“Good, now go get changed.” She turned her gaze to Hailey. “As for you, young lady, I recognize those clothes. You’re in big trouble for fillin’ my grandson full of wild ideas. Your mother gave me a list of punishments I could give you if you needed it. Given the severity of your actions, I’m going to follow her advice. Hand over your cell phone.”

“Is there some other punishment you could give me?” asked Hailey. “I’ll do chores, I’m sure there are plenty to be done.”

I hadn’t left yet and Grandma’s choice of punishment scared me. As long as Hailey had her cellphone, we had a lifeline. We could always call our parents or even 911. Without it we only had the two house phones: one in the kitchen and one in the master bedroom. Neither one was private. Was Grandma deliberately trying to isolate us? Or had she just selected the most drastic punishment that Julie had suggested to her?

Grandma held out her hand. “I believe your mother said that I was in charge and you were to obey me. I’m taking away your cellphone until she returns. After she hears what has been going on, she can return it to you if she wishes.”

Hailey looked over to me. I gave her what I hoped was an encouraging nod. I wasn’t thrilled but we could survive three days. Hailey nodded back to me. “Ma’am, may I please make one quick call to Cathy first, just to let her know things are alright?”

Grandma frowned, but nodded. “In here, while I’m listening, no more than five minutes and make it snappy. I can’t call Carol to explain until you’re done.”

Hailey had her phone out and started pressing buttons, far too many to be a phone number. “I just texted her. I’m done ma’am. Here’s my phone.”

Grandma took it and didn’t look very happy, but she waved at us in a gesture of dismissal. “Back to your rooms, both of you. You’re also both grounded: no more TV, no more picnics, and no more of that dance game thing.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Authors Note: Chapter Thirty-Seven deals with Taylor’s religious beliefs. I understand religion is a touchy subject for some people. Most of the time in this story I have chosen to avoid religion, but it is a very strong part of small town rural East Texas and Taylor’s family. I didn’t feel I could be true to my setting or characters without at least addressing Taylor’s beliefs. If that offends you, then opt out of this chapter.

= = =

After I’d changed back from Taylor into Scotty, I sat around with Hailey in my room. Mostly we talked. Hailey wasn’t real happy about my grandmother’s reaction. I wasn’t either, but I wasn’t as worried about it as Hailey. That was because ultimately Grandma’s opinion was just that – an opinion. Dad, and now Julie since they married, would control what happened to me. Whatever Dad decided, Grandma would ultimately accept. She might stew about it, but he was the head of our family. Or at least he was. Hailey was of the opinion that her mother would expect an equal say. I hoped so, as that would be good for me.

After rehashing everything we could, girl school reconvened. I had my breasts strapped down, but since Grandma already knew and Rick was out, we were free to talk. We worked on fashion, hair and makeup mostly. Hailey had a few magazines, plus we used the Sims to do virtual clothes selections and virtual makeup. That was quickly rejected in favor of just surfing the web. We killed some time looking at what celebrities wore and how they did their hair.

Hailey managed to talk me into letting her shape my eyebrows. I only let her clean them up a bit. When she was done, I could tell the difference, but it was nothing major that would undermine Scotty mode. I spent some time studying the result in the mirror. It was subtle, but I looked a bit more girly. As I pondered whether to let her do just a little bit more, I heard a vehicle coming up our gravel driveway. Hailey and I both rushed to the windows expecting to see Rick returning early.

“That’s not Rick’s truck,” said Hailey “Do you know whose car that is?”

Like I pay attention to cars? For me cars were a mode of transportation for adults. “I have no idea, but I have a bad feeling about this.” Star Wars, always good for a quote. The car came to a stop and it wasn’t Darth Vader, but someone almost as bad. “Oh no, it's Reverend Miller.”

Reverend Miller might be related to me in some way as we had the same last name, but it was back so many generations that he’d never been mentioned to me as kin. He was an old man, at least Grandma’s age, with a large bald spot and close cropped white hair. He was also a large man both in stature and girth. He wore a severe black suit and I could almost hear the Darth Vader theme music as he walked up to our house. I knew he was here for me, the sinner who crossdressed and wanted to be a girl. He had a kindly side at times, but the dark side was strong in him. He liked to preach about how Jesus was coming like a thief in the night and we had to be ready.

I’d been ‘saved’ a few summers back during a Vacation Bible School. I really had felt that God had been speaking to me back then. Reverend Miller had baptized me on the following Sunday. For almost a year I’d been very religious, but religion had lost its shine for me within that year. I still believed in God and mostly I believed in Jesus, but I’d sat down and read the bible from cover to cover. I’d also tried to hang out with the church crowd at school. Along the way I’d noticed a big difference between what I read and how Christians acted. I’d come to agree with Ghandi. I liked Christ very much, but I wasn’t too impressed with most Christians. My religious philosophy could be summed up in four letters, WWJD, What Would Jesus Do, but I didn’t focus overly much on it. When I decided my life sucked, I’d started the Taylor Project. I hadn’t just prayed to God to make it better.

However, while I might have made my peace with God and religion, I knew that Reverend Miller had his own point of view. He was very Baptist. His sermons were full of hellfire and damnation and scared the crap out of me when I was younger. He also had a tendency to split religious hairs about why Baptists were right and other denominations were wrong. More importantly, he was probably here to tell me that I was going to hell if I didn’t repent and change my ways.

“Your grandma must have invited him to talk to you.”

“To talk the girl out of me, you mean.”

We heard him knock on the door, and Grandma invited him in. I couldn’t make out their words, but could imagine the conversation. Come in Reverend. Won’t you have some iced tea? Shall I fetch the sinner so you can preach the devil out of her? Sigh. Actually, she would probably say 'preach the devil out of him'.

“Scotty, come out here. Reverend Miller is here to talk to you.”

“I guess I’m not invited,” whispered Hailey. “Tough, I’m sticking with you.”

“Thanks.” I pushed open my door and went into our living room. Grandma was on the couch and the reverend was in the recliner. I’d nailed the iced tea. He had a tall glass sitting beside him on the coffee table. It rested on one of Grandma crocheted coasters.

He gave me a smile that looked friendly. “Scotty, sure is good to see you; and you as well, Hailey. Betty was just telling me that your parents got married. That’s a right good thing. You’ll both have a proper family now with a mother and a father.”

The Texas twang in his voice was particularly strong. I know that I’ve got that twang. I spent a few weeks last summer in California with Mom and it had been painfully obvious then, but compared to others in Pine Grove mine was tame. I’d once been accused of being from England simply because of my lack of accent. I suppose learning to talk in Dallas instead of Pine Hill had something to do with it, or maybe it was lots of reading. Regardless, I didn’t find Reverend Miller’s twang folksy. It sounded hick: ignorant and proud of it.

Hailey saved me from a response by jumping in. “We’re thrilled about it. I really like Robert and I know he makes Mom happy. Plus I get Taylor as a sister.”

“So you and Scotty get along well. It’s good to see young people with such positive attitudes. I’d like to take more time to get to know you Hailey, and I hope you and your mother will be joining our church family soon, but I have something quite personal to discuss with Scotty. I think it would be best if it was a private discussion.”

No way. No how. “I’d like Hailey to stay and I prefer to be called Taylor now.”

“Do you?” asked the reverend. “Even when you’re presenting as a boy?”

The only place I’d ever encountered that turn of phrase was in TG stories. Could he actually be sympathetic? “I haven’t thought about that. I guess it is going to be Scott at school for a while yet. I don’t know.”

“Since you’re presenting as a boy now, may I call you Scotty?”

“I preferred Scott over Scotty even when I, um, present as a boy.” He was being polite and asking and I almost agreed, but it didn’t feel right. “I’d rather you call me Taylor unless Rick or someone else shows up. You obviously already know.”

“Very well, Taylor it is.” He gestured to the sofa. “Why don’t you two sit down? This may be a lengthy conversation.”

I sat down with Hailey by my side. I watched while the reverend took a slow sip of sweet tea. Was he waiting for me to say something? I looked at Hailey and she gave me a weak smile of encouragement. So far so good.

“You look nervous. I’m just here to talk to you. Your grandmother said you wanted to talk to a therapist. Did you know I do couples therapy? Since I’m a reverend we usually call it counseling, but it’s the same thing.”

“Is it? Don’t you have a bias in this case?”

“You might say that, but those therapists you want to see have a bias, too. They have a set of practices, and their guidelines are just as unprovable as my faith in the Lord. Less so in my opinion, because I can feel the Lord working in me. I know you have, too. I baptized you. I saw his light shining in you that day. You felt him moving within you, didn’t you?”

Ow, tough question. Maybe I had. I certainly thought I’d felt something, but I hadn’t felt it much at church. Instead, church felt more about anger and fear and judgment. I deflected his question. “This isn’t what I expected. I thought you’d tell me I was going to hell.”

“You’re not. I’d be a hypocrite if I said that. I’m a Baptist, and so are you. We’re washed in the blood of the lamb. One of the articles of our faith is security of the believer. I think you are turning your back on the Lord. That will bring pain on you and those who love you, but once you made that choice to accept Jesus as your personal savior you were forgiven. Salvation is eternal.”

Sigh, he was splitting hairs about what made Baptists different from other branches of Christianity. “It’s nice to know that you don’t think I’m going to hell, but you still think that it’s wrong that I’m a girl inside.”

“Let me ask you this. Why do you think you want to be a girl?”

“I’ve always felt different and I never wanted to be like Dad or Rick. It wasn’t until I started growing breasts that I realized what was different. I’m a girl inside.”

“You felt different? I think you just described every teenager that ever walked the earth. That’s just a part of growing up. Hailey, have you ever felt different?”

“Well, yes,” replied Hailey, “but Taylor actually is different. She acts like a girl. It’s not just her body. It’s how she relates, how she acts, and even what she likes.”

“Yes, and God made us all wonderfully different.” He turned back to me. “Taylor, you can don’t have to be like your father or Rick. There are lots of boys who aren’t athletic who grow up to be good providers, wonderful fathers, and caring husbands. Why do you feel you have to be a girl?”

“I can’t really explain it. It’s just this strong feeling inside of me.” Wasn’t it?

“Let’s talk about strong feelings. I know you saved your friend Cathy from a very bad man a few years back. You know what a pedophile is, don’t you?”

“Yes, it’s a man who likes to have sex with children, usually girls.”

“Did you know pedophiles have strong feelings inside of them, urging them to have sex with young children? Should they do that just because they have those feelings? Should an alcoholic drink because they crave booze? Should a mother who just wants freedom turn her back on her children and walk away?”

The whole pedophile thing was a cheap shot. He was using Cathy against me and I didn’t like it. I wasn’t ready when he piled another cheap shot on top of the first. “Leave my mother out it! This isn’t about her!” Why I defended her I don’t know. She was far from perfect.

His words kept right on rolling, like a steamroller that didn’t even stop for my objection. “Taylor, sin often feels good and right, but you know there is another voice inside you. God sent us the Holy Spirit. It’s inside all of us, and it speaks about what is right and what is wrong. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that there isn’t some part of you that thinks what you are trying to do is wrong?”

I looked down because I couldn’t look him in the eye and say that, especially now. I felt hurt and dirty and angry. “I’m not sure it’s right, OK, are you happy? I’m worried about getting beat up at school and misunderstood and judged by people like you. I have doubts, but it feels more right than wrong. In fact it feels like the only way...” Oh, suddenly I remembered my thoughts about the shoulder angel and demon. “Reverend, how do I know if the Lord is speaking to me?”

“Taylor, the Lord is talking to us all the time. It’s not a matter of if he is talking. It’s a matter of if we are listening.”

Hmm, well try this on, Reverend. “I think I have heard him speak. I was trying to decide if I should put on girl’s clothes: if it was right or wrong. I heard two voices. One said not to: that it was wrong, that I was gay, a sissy, and a fag for even wanting to try. The other voice told me that I needed to be true to myself and that self was a girl. That’s when I realized how the voices spoke to me. One voice spoke with hate and fear–the voice of the devil. The other wanted me to be true to my inner soul, even when my body didn’t entirely match–that was God speaking to me.”

Did I really believe that? Honestly, I wasn’t sure. I did believe in some kind of higher power, but I didn’t believe in a literal Devil. However, what I did know was that I had actually managed to put what I felt into religious terms. Reverend Miller looked momentarily taken aback, and even Grandma looked thoughtful. Had I actually managed to win?

“That’s a very touching story and you’re right, we shouldn’t act out of hatred and fear, but you also spoke of doubts about your decision. Are you sure that is the voice of the Lord, or are you justifying your own desires? The Lord gave us his Word to guide us in times like this. When we’re not sure if we’re hearing His voice, we can turn to the bible. Let’s see what he has said.”

Then came the sermon that I’d been expecting from the start. He started off with Genesis, the tale of Adam and Eve. He touched on Sodom and Gomorrah and how they’d fallen into iniquity and been destroyed for it, and that’s where we get our word sodomy. He skipped up to the New Testament and started quoting verses from there. Brick by theological brick, he built up his case that homosexuality was a sin and the wages of sin were death. It was worse than listening to a sermon in church because I couldn’t even tune out. I had to follow along and nod at the appropriate pauses. I don’t know if he was in love with hearing himself talk or what, but he’d lost me as soon as he’d retreated to scripture and started sermonizing me.

I could tell by her body language that Hailey was just trying to endure this along with me. She kept a polite smile plastered on her face, but she wasn’t buying what the reverend was selling. Unfortunately, Grandma was. If the reverend passed the offering plate at the end of this private sermon, she’d probably drop a couple of twenties in it.

Maybe Reverend Miller finally realized he was making no headway, because he wrapped it up and ended it with a prayer. “Dear Heavenly Father, this poor child is lost. Send your Holy Spirit to guide him. Help him find the way…”

It went on like that for a very long time. I didn’t really feel lost at all. He’d gotten to me at first by using Cathy and my mom against me, but I felt like my eyes were open about the church as never before. With my story of how God wanted me to be a girl, the Reverend had retreated to scripture to justify his world-view. If the US Constitution had trouble keeping up with changes in a mere two hundred years, was it really a surprise the Bible is amazingly out of step? He was speaking out of fear, doubt and guilt–just like my imaginary shoulder demon.

At least he was finally done and took his leave. “I’ll think about what you said, reverend,” I lied as he left. I had to be polite so as not to piss off Grandma again, but I was so glad to just see him gone. I think the only thing he’d achieved was to kill off what little lingering respect I had for the church. No, that wasn’t all. I was holding to my conviction, but those whispering doubts were back. He’d riled them up like a band of demons and even as I watched Reverend Miller walk away they lingered inside of me, taunting me with guilt and fear. I thought men of God were supposed to cast out demons. Reverend Miller had summoned them to do his dirty work.
 

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To Be Continued...