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Edited by S.L.Hawke
Image Copyright © 2012 Tracey Willows

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The Taylor Project
 
Chapter Sixty-Seven

Julie/Mom left after her battle with the dragons of the Pine Hill Middle School administration, but I was forced to trudge through paperwork. I was sent to the nurse’s office to drop off my paperwork and receive an exam. Apparently the school wasn’t content to take Doc Buford’s diagnosis without confirmation. Nurse Sewell did not see well. The old biddy wore thick coke bottle glasses and wanted me to strip. I drew the line at my whitey-tighties and sports bra and refused to go further. She wasn’t too happy about it, but let it go. She took my chest measurements with a tape measure. While I doubted it was medically relevant, I didn’t complain because I was curious as to the result. She measured my breasts at a 32A. I’m not so sure she got an accurate measurement, though, since I had on a 32A sports bra and I think my boobs were compressed some. She wrote it down in my file. I had to wonder if real girls ever had their bra size put in their medical records, but I practiced being passive and non-assertive. I was getting out of PE like I wanted, and Oak had made it clear that I was on thin ice.

When Nurse Sewell was done with me, I was sent back to the office where I received an indefinite excuse from PE. I was assigned to study hall instead, which was to be served in the library. By the time we were finished that’s where I headed with my schedule change in my hand. After the roller coaster of a morning that I’d had, I couldn’t just shut it down and study. I tried for a while, but I was going nowhere. Since I was in the library and almost alone, I decided to see if they had anything on being transgendered or Klinefelter’s Syndrome. I wasn’t surprised to find nothing in the time I had available. I’m sure I could find something in one of the big general medical or genetics books, but there were no friendly books for transgendered students. Maybe I would have more luck with the high school or public library.

The bell rang and it was time for my last class of the day for me. It was also my favorite, science. We were covering ‘traits and how they change’, or in other words evolution. That was proving to be a real fun class, since we had a few fundies in the class who kept huffing and puffing about the lessons. Personally, I never understood why evolution clashed with the bible. If you take Genesis as metaphor instead of literal fact, the descriptions didn’t really disagree that much. However, what made today even better was who walked in after I’d taken my seat.

“Hailey!” I was up and out of my seat as soon as I saw her walk in the door.

“Taylor!” she replied, and met me halfway – right in front of Mrs. Pruitt’s desk. “So how did things go?”

“Good. I’ll fill you in on that later.” Not like I could talk about it now. I was aware that there were eyes upon me, processing both my un-Snotty behavior and that a girl was being openly friendly with me. I started walking back with her towards my desk. “How’s it going, being the new girl?”

“Different, but mostly good. People do not believe you’re my brother.” She glanced down. “You sit on the first row? Teacher’s pet.” She smiled as she said it, just plain teasing with no malice intended.

“Only in science. I’m not much of pet elsewhere, believe me.” I hoped things really were going okay. I’d been afraid that my reputation would rub off on her.

I looked around and saw everyone watching us. I remember being new back in fourth grade. In many ways I was still the new kid. I didn’t know what they were doing then, but I could see it now. They were trying to put Hailey in her slot. For me it had only taken them a few days. When my nickname Snotty had filtered down, that had just cemented it. I was an outcast.

Aglance around at the classroom proved my fears were right. Everyone was watching us. Most looked curious, but there were exceptions. Ashley, the blonde cheerleader who acted the stereotype and tried to hide the fact she got straight A's, stared with a sneer on her face. She leaned over to whisper to her boyfriend, John the Jock, who was the kind of boy that my father probably would rather have for a son than me. He laughed at whatever catty comment she said.

I forced a smile and tried to ignore the stares. “I’d sit with you, but seats are assigned. You’ll have to sit at the back of the class where there are some empty seats. I’ll help you find the bus after class, and we can talk more then.”

Hailey looked at me oddly. “Okay, sure.” She gave me a smile and a wave, before walking to the back of the room.

I could almost hear the sharpening of the knives to stab her in the back. I knew it was happening and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I returned to my seat, acutely aware of the conversation going on around the class. I tried to ignore it, but then I made the mistake of glancing at Winston as Hailey passed him. While the overweight I-love-Jesus boy wasn’t in the same league as Kevin in terms of taunting me, he’d been moving up the ranks lately. I just knew he was going to say something before he even opened his mouth.

“That girl seems a bit confused about your name.” He taunted me in a carefully calculated pitch, calling over from his seat just loudly enough that that I could hear. “You should clear that up with her, Snotty.”

For some reason the hypocrisy of it bother me more than the actual insult. Winston was a card carrying member of the God squad. They were his clique, but he was nonetheless fast to insult me. WWJD, What Would Jesus Do, my ass. In what part of the bible did Jesus snub and insult the outcasts? I had a real problem with hypocrisy. When I’d gone through my religious period, I’d tried fitting in with that Christian clique. The best thing they had going for them was the way they’d all accepted me with open arms when I told them that I was ‘born again’. However, it didn’t take long being among them before I started to smell the ripe smell of bullshit. For most of them being a Christian had nothing to do with what Jesus taught. It was all about being ‘saved’, and hence better than everyone else. My religious phase had ended months ago, and now I was just another sinner fallen from grace to them.

I sat down and tried to ignore what Winston had said. After all, Oak had just put me on notice and Mrs. Pruitt apparently hadn’t noticed the taunt. I don’t think Hailey heard either. It would be best to let it go, but it curdled in my stomach and wouldn’t stay down. In a sudden flash of anger I turned to him and slapped my own cheek. “Would you like to verbally slap my other one?” And then I deliberately turned my head, exposing my other cheek.

“The devil can quote scripture, too,” he whined at me.

I just smiled. I don’t think I could have said it better myself.

Chapter Sixty-Eight

It turned out we didn’t ride the bus home, as Julie was still in town. She texted Hailey and picked us both up, so Hailey and I got to talk while driving home. Although she insisted that I go first and tell her about my doctor’s appointment, she was already going crazy from just hearing about that. Once I got to the part about shopping in Dallas, she went into hyperdrive. When we arrived home and got out of the car, I realized that I hadn’t asked about her day.

I grabbed her by her hand and halted her as Julie headed on into the house. “Hailey, that talk was all about me. What about you? How was your first day at lovely Pine Hill Middle School?”

Hailey sighed. “Not as exciting as your day. Go get girly, and we’ll talk about it then. Okay?”

A little later, wearing Hailey’s skirt and one of her blouses, we sat on my bed and I asked again. “Enough about me. Tell me now. How was your day? All my stuff is rubbing off on you, isn’t it?”

Hailey shook her head. “You worry too much. It came up, and I made it pretty clear that insulting my brother to my face was not cool. However, it wasn’t like that all day long. Mostly, it was just being new. We’ve lived in Whistlestop all my life, so I’ve never been the new kid before. People kept talking to me and I couldn’t remember all the names. I think I’m friends with this one girl named Mandy already. We had lunch together and this other girl, Tamara, was pretty cool.”

There was only one Tamara, so that had to be Tamara Olsen. She was Oscar’s friend so that was a plus. Mandy, on the other hand, could be good or bad news. “Mandy Spears or Mandy Puckett?”

“I’m sorry. I had too many names thrown at me. Auburn hair, pale with freckles, blessed with big boobs?”

“Mandy Spears. She’s cool. Mandy Puckett, not so much.”

“I don’t remember another Mandy. There might have been one. As I said, way too many names.”

I tried to work out the school politics. Tamara was less than half-black. Maybe she was a quarter or even less; I didn’t know. To be honest she looked white with a great tan, but everyone knew. What would be no big deal in Dallas was a huge deal in Pine Hill. Our school was integrated like a zebra. We had black stripes and white stripes running side by side, but no gray allowed. So Tamara didn’t fit. The fact that she hung out with Oscar was proof enough of that. Mandy, on the other hand, was harder to pin down. We’d talked a few times and I liked her. She had a little bit of geek in her, but I honestly didn’t know where she stood. However, I did know she’d never put me down. That was good enough for me.

“So those are girls. Any boys talking up the new girl?”

Hailey gave me an odd look. “You like boys now?”

“No, but I know you do, and I like you. Come on, it isn’t like this is the first time you’ve ever talked guys around me.”

“I guess not, but I think it is the first time you started it.” She shrugged. “Anyway, there may be this one guy. What do you know about Jase Adams?”

She knew his last name and she had an eagerness in her voice, but that name brought bad memories. Still, looking at Hailey’s hopeful expression I couldn’t just torpedo him. “Well, he’s a jock to begin with, and I rarely get along with jocks. In his favor he is more of a baseball jock than a football one.” Although he played both. “He was on my little league team that my dad tried to coach.” That hadn’t turned out well. I’d sucked. I struck out most of the time, and couldn’t field at all. Yet, Jase hadn’t been one of the ones who got in my face. That had mostly been Kevin. That little league season was the source of his anger with me. He blamed me for losing, but hadn’t been able to do much on the field – my dad was the coach. Jase had just been one of the others on the team. Had he booed me? Maybe, but he hadn’t been one of the ugly ones.

Hailey’s face fell a little. “You don’t like him, do you?”

“I don’t really know him. I don’t like jocks in general, but he never did anything particularly bad to me. I don’t want people to judge me for my past, so I guess I have to give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“Fair enough. So let’s talk shopping. How much do you think we can get you on this trip?”

That night proved to be interesting. Grandma was conspicuously absent and that didn’t bother me in the slightest. Dinner without her was so much less tense, even though it was another informal family meeting about me again. Mostly this meeting was just to go over my doctor’s visit with Rick and Hailey, and discuss what all it meant.

Dad seemed a lot calmer than he had with Doc Buford. There was no talk about malpractice, or estrogen affecting my brain. Dad had found time to check out the barn and had found some pesticides as well as fire ant poison in there. He thought the containers hadn’t leaked, but he still sent the chemical names to Doc Buford to have them checked.

Even Rick was mostly polite and interested. At least until the topic turned to the Sunday shopping trip. “You’re kidding me! Tell me the freak isn’t getting a whole wardrobe of girl clothes?”

“Rick, stop right there.” My dad’s voice was his firm, no-nonsense tone that meant Rick was in big trouble. “Family first, always. I don’t particularly like or approve of Taylor’s experimentation, but I’ve promised to keep an open mind. This may yet be a phase, but it is pretty clear it isn’t just going away any time soon. So Taylor will be allowed a small amount of clothes. We can’t have him wearing the same clothes every day. I’ve agreed to five outfits. Now, I want you to apologize, and I don’t want to hear you calling him a freak again.”

Five? I hadn’t heard a number before, or heard my dad defend me like that. It might not be approval, but it felt pretty awesome to have him take my side about presenting as a girl. Not to mention he’d just given Rick an epic slap down, which was always a plus in my sibling rivalry scorebook.

Rick didn’t look happy. “I’m sorry, Scotty.”

It didn’t feel like a real apology. He didn’t sound sincere and he’d called me Scotty, which may or may not have been intentional. “It’s okay, Rick. Would you just give me a chance? That’s all I ask for.” Maybe I was asking too little, but throwing Rick's apology back in his face at the dinner table felt wrong even if it was a mealy-mouthed apology.

“That’s not my call. Dad decided you get a chance. If I had my way, they’d ground your ass until you’re thirty. You still have no clue the kind of pain you’re gonna unleash upon yourself, and probably the rest of us as well.”

I looked at Dad waiting to see if he was going to let Rick’s snarky tone and half-assed apology fly.

However, it was Julie who spoke up next. “Let’s not bicker at the dinner table, please. Rick, did you like your chicken?”

“It’s very good, ma’am.”

I wasn’t really happy at Rick’s attitude, but I smirked at his reply. I wondered if he’d still think it was good if he knew that I’d helped cook it, albeit under Julie’s supervision.

Chapter Sixty-Nine

Saturday, March 23rd — Taylor Project Day 81

Does it even matter to count the days of the Taylor Project any longer? I started off this project with the resolution to stop being Snotty any longer. I had goals, but I didn’t have a destination. Now I have a destination. I know who Taylor is. I’m still keeping up my goals: diary, allergy free home, exercise, don’t cry and hide my boobs at school. They just aren’t as relevant any longer. Becoming Taylor is the all-important goal now. That makes all the others a lot less significant. Yet, tonight, I find myself wondering. Am I doing the right thing?

And I’ll say it here because I can’t say it anywhere else. Not to Hailey, not to Cathy, and certainly not to my Dr. Yeatts when I see her Tuesday. I’m not one hundred percent sure I’m doing the right thing. I don’t think I have the strength to go the full distance and have the operation. I want the hormones and to look like a girl, but the surgery scares me. What about children? I’ve done some reading and Kleinfelter’s patients aren’t that fertile to begin with, but many of them can have children with medical assistance. If I go this road I’ll never have kids. I always thought I’d be a parent some day.

Plus, there is the whole bit about estrogen affecting my thinking. I’m not sure how much it changes things. Obviously hormones can’t be everything. There are too many transgendered who are naturally on the wrong hormones, but still know in their hearts what they should be. Yet, estrogen is obviously affecting my mind as well as my body. I like how I feel now. I feel more connected with life and in touch with my feelings. I feel more alive. It’s so much better than before even if I do cry more. LOL. Okay, even if I cry a lot more. Even with the crying fits, I don’t want to go back to the way I was.

I suppose that Doc Buford does has a point. The only way to be certain that it isn’t the estrogen making me think I am a girl would be to try life on testosterone. If there was a magic way that I could do that for a couple of weeks and not screw my body over, I’d might even consider it if that was what it took to convince them. However, there is no freaking way that I can let it happen. I’m in the middle of female puberty now. Switching to testosterone would have permanent consequences for me. I like the way I’m growing, and I don’t dare mess with that.

I wish I could actually admit that I’m scared and have doubts, but it feels like I have to be absolutely certain all the time. Because if I ever falter, then Dad and maybe even Julie will have me on testosterone before I can blink. OK, I’m not certain I’m on the right path. I’m even less sure about going all the way and having the operation, but I’m damn sure I don’t want to be on testosterone and get turned into another copy of Dad.

Anyway, I suppose I should write about what happened today. Mostly today was a moving day. I got put in charge of cleaning house and stuff, while everyone else made trips back and forth to Whistlestop. I unloaded everything in our fridge so we could take it out and replace it with Julie’s. There was a ton of stuff in boxes that went into the barn. The barn is pretty full now and there is still stuff left at Julie’s trailer. Julie’s trailer park has a massive yard sale in a few weeks, so the plan is to sort through everything and sell what we’re not keeping cheap. Until then, both our barn and Julie’s trailer are storage.

Also, I have a new allergy menace – Mousey Tongue. They finally brought the cat with them. The plan is to turn Mousey Tongue into an outdoor cat. They even bought her a doghouse, which Rick insists on referring to as our cathouse. I hope it works. Even if I can’t get close to the beast without sneezing, Hailey is obviously attached to her. I’m afraid that little furball will run off and get lost, or worse.

I wasn’t there, but they tried everything on Hailey’s mattress: HEPA vacuuming, wiping it down, and then using a special allergy relief treatment – it didn’t work. When I go into Hailey’s room, it just takes a few minutes before my allergies start acting up. I’ve told Dad and Julie, and they’ve promised to get Hailey a new mattress. They even offered to do it tomorrow, but that would mean postponing my shopping trip to Dallas for girl clothes. I turned it down. The mattress is only bothering me in Hailey’s room, and I’m not even sure it really is her mattress although it is the most likely culprit. If Hailey and I want to hang out, we can do it in my room.

Tomorrow we go shopping for clothes. I should be looking forward to that. So many of the TG stories I’ve read have shopping sprees in them, which usually seem like a lot of fun. Hailey and I spent the evening surfing on the web getting ideas. We also spent some time strategizing. Hailey thinks we can easily bend the five outfit limit my dad imposed. We’ll see tomorrow. We’ve already planned out what I want from the five outfits. Three of them were easy to do: two skirts, one short and one long, plus one pair of blue jeans and three tops to mix and match. The fourth item wasn’t too hard either. I want one nice dress, something I could wear to church or dressing up to go out. For the fifth outfit Hailey suggested either blue jeans or shorts with another blouse. I want something even more formal: a skirted suit. Maybe I’ve read too many stories about transitioning, but from what I’ve read they’re often very confrontational. What if I need to appear in court, or before the school board? Hailey thinks one nice outfit is enough and I should have more variety for day-to-day wear. I haven’t decided entirely.

Actually, I think that I’m scared about going shopping tomorrow. It’s a very big deal, both getting clothes for me and it being my first time out in public. I should be excited. I’ve already said good-bye to Scotty. I don’t feel like him any longer, but what if I’m really making a big mistake? Maybe I am rushing into things.

Chapter Seventy

For most of the drive I was able to bury my fears, and focus on my excitement. There was a lot to be excited about. I was getting clothes – real girl clothes that would be just mine and not something borrowed. Plus, Hailey used the time to work on Julie-Mom. She wasn’t even that hard to sell. In addition to the agreed upon five outfits, she had already planned on including bras, socks, panties, two pairs of shoes and make-up. As soon as we asked, she readily agreed to include sleepwear as well. I came clean to her about my daily exercises, and she easily signed off on some work-out clothes, too. However, she drew the line when Hailey suggested a swimsuit. I didn’t say it, but I was secretly rather relieved not to be shopping for one of those.

Julie also proved to be a good source of fashion advice. She listened to Hailey and I debate a while about the way to use my five outfits. Hailey still thought four daily wear and one nice dress would be best, while I still wanted three daily, one for church and one for court. We went back and forth on this a bit before Julie finally stepped in.

“You’re both more or less right. Hailey’s right that it would be best to get four outfits for daily wear, and only one nicer dress. Taylor’s right that at her age, what most girls wear to her Faith Baptist church is a bit of a different look than what she’d need to wear to court, or any kind of formal meeting for that matter. However, you don’t necessarily need a different outfit to change a look. The key is learning to accessorize. I think we can find one nice dress that is suitable for a family dinner out, but swap the accessories and you can wear it to church or court. I promise you, that if you need to go to court, and if whatever we find isn't suitable, I’ll buy you something appropriate.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” I was a little blown away by Julie’s talk of accessorizing. Hailey and Cathy had mentioned it, but I was still a fashion noob. This sounded like intermediate or advanced fashion sense and I was eager to learn how it was done. I was also reassured by the promise of court appropriate clothing. While I hoped that I wouldn’t need them, I’m not expecting my transition to be met with approval by the powers that be at Pine Hill Middle School.

The rest of the trip passed pretty quickly as we discuss fashion and music. Julie revealed a small surprise; we weren’t actually going to Dallas. Aunt Dee Dee had suggested it would be better to meet us partway, at an outlet mall to the east of Dallas. Hailey was apparently familiar with the mall and Julie assured me that there would be plenty of variety of shops.

As we got closer and closer to our destination, I began to worry about getting out of the car dressed in Hailey’s pink top and denim skirt. I thought I looked good, but I still had boy’s shoes on. What if someone noticed? Or what if I made another mistake that made it obvious that I was just a boy in a skirt? I was relieved when we exited the highway, but surprised when we pulled into a Walmart instead of the outlet mall that I’d seen billboards for.

“Mom? Why are we stopping here?” asked Hailey. “I thought we were going to an outlet mall.”

“We will,” agreed Julie. “However, Taylor needs some basics: panties, socks, bras, work-out clothes and such. We can get all those cheaper at Walmart. Selection at Wal-Mart is limited, but we also might get lucky with some of the other clothes she needs. Don’t worry, you’ll still get to hit the mall later for some brand names. Dee Dee won’t meet us for an hour or so yet. Besides, this is a good shopping lesson for both of you.”

I was a little disappointed. I just spent two hours driving in a car to go to Walmart? As smart as Julie dressed, I didn’t think her stuff came from Wally-world. However, I didn’t object as I was too nervous at this point about getting out in public. So I kept it zipped and took slow deep breaths as Julie parked the car. She and Hailey got right out. After a moment of hesitation, I followed.

“Taylor, you feeling okay?” Hailey looked at me with concern.

“It’s… it’s my first time out as me.” It was a typical-for-a-Walmart parking lot, already filled with quite a few cars even though church was still in session. People were walking in and out in singles and families, and none of them gave me a second glance. The formerly warm weather had turned cold and windy, and everyone seemed in a bigger hurry to get to and from their vehicles. The cold air swirled around my bare legs and chilled me. I liked the look of skirts, but on a day like today pants were certainly more practical. Only Hailey was paying attention to me. Even Julie, walking in front of us, seemed oblivious to my distress.

“Oh.” Hailey took my hand and squeezed. “I didn’t even think of it. Taylor, nobody is going to see anything but the girl you are.”

“What about my shoes?”

“What about them? Plenty of girls wear ugly shoes and they’re white. They don’t scream boy.”

“I guess.” By this time we were approaching the door and, while I was nervous about being inside and surrounded by more people, the chill of the wind convinced me to hurry on inside. I walked in and no one seemed to pay me any attention. No scratch that, a scrawny guy was staring at me. Afraid of his attention, I moved around to the other side of Julie. “Hailey, that guy is looking at me.”

Hailey looked back. “Was he? Perv. He’s too old for you.”

“W-what?!” This was obviously going to take some getting used to.

Maybe it was a good thing that we went to Wal-Mart first. There were people all around. While I still felt like I was wearing a big sign saying ‘boy in a dress’, no one seemed to care. People looked at me, but they mostly looked on past. We got bras, panties and sleepwear. Even though they were just ‘basics’, they might as well have been silks and furs to me. They were girls' clothes, and they were all mine.

Hailey mentioned my boy shoes to her mom, so we detoured to the shoe department and picked up a cheap pair of girl’s size 8A tennis shoes. I was learning my sizes as we shopped. For clothing I wore a junior’s size 5 or a woman's size 2, depending on the garment. However, Julie warned me that those last ones were Wally-world weird sizes, where they try to convince women that they are not as fat as they really are by using smaller size numbers. She said that at some of the other stores we would be at later, I should expect to need a larger size than that. Sigh. What is with women's clothing sizes, anyway? Why can't they be more rational than that? Apparently my bra size was ‘that awkward in-between size' thing, between an A and B cup. Since Julie expected me to grow(!), she bought an assortment of 32B bras for me.

I made my very first trip to the little girls room with Hailey by my side after receiving a firm 'No peeking' prior instruction from Julie-Mom. She’s trying to help, but sometimes she still doesn’t get me. I was expecting to step directly into the bathroom, but instead we passed through a mini-lounge sort of area with comfortable chairs and stuff. A woman diapering a squirming baby intrigued me. While I’d seen baby-changing stations in men’s bathrooms before, I’d never actually seen one in use. However, Hailey wasn’t slowing and I followed her on into the restroom proper.

Once we were past those oddities at the entrance, though, it seemed fairly normal. Other than the lack of urinals, which I had expected, it looked pretty much like the boy’s side, only cleaner and with a couple of more stalls. It lacked the reek of urine that the boy’s restroom had at school, but I didn’t miss that at all.

Hailey stopped me before I entered my stall. “Wait, a sec.” She dug out a little pocket-sized bottle of hand sanitizer out of her purse, quirted some out onto a folded handful of toilet paper, and handed it to me.

I looked at it in puzzlement. “What is this for?” I whispered it to her. The only other person present was the mother changing her baby and she looked distracted, but I certainly didn’t want this conversation overheard.

Hailey leaned into me and whispered in my ear. "Wipe the seat before you sit. Some women don’t sit down all the way in public restrooms. They squat over the seat and… well, it can get messy.”

“Really eww.” TMI – Too Much Information! And I thought sharing a bathroom with Rick was gross. He splattered sometimes, and left the toilet seat up, but at least he knew how to lift the seat in the first place. As much as I hated to give him credit, he was apparently more housebroken than I thought. I carefully wiped the seat with the disinfectant Hailey had given me before I sat down. I emptied my bladder sitting down, but that was nothing new. I avoided sitting down at school, because of the gross and disgusting factor, but at home I usually sat even before I’d started my journey to girl-land. I think it started because I usually took something to read with me. It didn’t take me long. I didn’t have the gross upset stomach stuff that I’ve had all too often lately.

I spotted another difference inside the stall. In addition to the usual toilet paper dispenser, there was a little bins mounted on the wall labeled 'Napkin Disposal'. To me napkin meant a paper food napkin, but that obviously couldn’t be right. I had to think about that one for a moment before I figured it out. Eww, again. I thought those things were flushable. Apparently not.

Hailey smiled at me as e both exited our stalls. “You managing okay?”

“Um, yeah.” Alright, I’d read this in stories that going to the bathroom was almost social for girls. Was that what was happening? It didn’t feel natural to me. I’d been doing my best to ignore the sounds she had made in the neighboring stall. Peeing together wasn’t exactly a bonding experience for me.

Hailey went on while washing her hands. “Just try to relax, you’re doing fine.”

I took a moment to wash my own hands before responding. I wasn’t so sure that I was doing fine. There were more differences than I’d expected after all. This was perhaps the biggest, boys almost never talk or even make eye contact in the restroom. Our previous conversation had been more educational. She’d explained a health hazard to me. This felt more like friendly chatter, so I played along as best as I could. “I’m excited about the clothes.”

“Good, let’s go get some more.”

To my relief we dived right back into shopping, which was a lot more comfortable than bathroom conversation. This time it was exercise clothes, and then we looked at skirts and jeans. We didn’t find a skirt in my size, but I got luckier with jeans. Julie loaded me up with three different pairs.

“Go try these on and see if you like any of them.”

“But…” So far I hadn’t tried anything on, other than shoe which I had just put on while standing in the shoe aisle. I knew how changing rooms worked at Walmart. I’d have my own private cubical, but this is still new territory.

“Hailey can go with you, if you like.”

“Yes, please.”

A few minutes later, I was trying on jeans back in the changing rooms. The first pair didn’t fit, but the second pair fit too well. They were tight, but not like squeezing into Hailey’s jeans. They fit like a glove. “I can’t wear these. They make my ass look huge.”

Hailey laughed. “No they don’t, they’re perfect! These are definitely the pair for you.”

“But, but…”

“Yup, that’s what they showcase all right.” Hailey giggled and then quieted down to a whisper. “Seriously Taylor, that’s how girl’s jeans are supposed to look. Are you a girl, or aren’t you?”

I studied my reflection in the mirror. I still thought my ass looked huge in them, but they fit me better than my old boy jeans did, that was for sure. While they were tight, they didn’t hurt at all. “I’m a girl,” I whispered back to her. “And I’ll take them.”

Chapter Seventy-One

Sunday, March 24th — Taylor Project Day 83

Today I learned a lot shopping with Julie(Mom), Aunt Dee Dee and Hailey. I was the young apprentice learning at the feet of three masters. At first I was disappointed that we weren’t going to Dallas, but rather to a Walmart plus an outlet mall, however given that it took us all day to do just that one mall, I’m not sure I could have handled shopping in all of Dallas. The lessons from Walmart were more about pricing and quality, what can be bought cheap and what can’t. We took a break and picked up Aunt Dee Dee for lunch, and then the real shopping began.

I thought at first it was all about outfitting me, but no, they were all picking up a few items. I think we hit just about every store in the outlet mall. The lessons there were more about fashion, picking clothes that work for you. I was surprised to find that Aunt Dee Dee didn’t use the color season thing that Hailey and Julie did. I thought all girls did, but they explained to me that it was only one fashion advice model and that most women learn what works for them through a lot of trial and error. We did a lot of trials, and I made a lot of errors. Aside from some exercise clothing, shoes, and assorted undergarments, I ended up with three skirts, one pair of jeans, four tops to mix and match with, and this adorable fitted pencil skirt dress thing.

Hailey would so chew me out for calling it a ‘thing’ after all our lessons, so I’ll try that again. The whole fashion vocabulary topic seems a lot more complex than I originally thought it would be, but I think that I’m getting the hang of it now. My new dress is a two-tone bodycon dress with raglan cap sleeves and an integral accent belt. The 'bodycon' thing is something I picked up from Aunt Dee Dee today. I think it means 'body conforming', or something like that. Basically, the dress gently hugs my curves without being too tackily tight.

The skirt part is a dark black, as is a band around the neckline, but most of the bodice as well as the two inch wide belt is what Julie called an 'ice grey'. Technically it has a 'scoop neckline', but there is a second band of ice grey material outside the black accenting trim which sort of creates a cool cowl neckline effect. That isn't the only thing cool about it, though, as the belt, or maybe I should say 'belts', cross over in an 'X' at the middle in front and back, sort of like a pair of gunslinger's holster-belts without the holsters. (LOL) If all this sounds like I really like this thing, I don’t–because I love it! I never realized clothes could be this cool.

To be honest, it wasn't my first choice, though. As we walked into the outlet mall I saw the perfect outfit that I will never buy. They had it set up on a mannequin and it was like the clothes called my name. It had all the colors that fit my Deep Winter: dark black pencil skirt with a bold white broad horizontal stripe at the upper thighs, white silk spaghetti strapped camisole top, and a hot pink bolero jacket with three-quarter sleeves and accented with black buttons. It was daring and bold and all the things I am not. Julie pointed out the flaws: the hem was too short, it was a power suit and not church or age appropriate, and it was a designer outfit that cost way more than our entire budget for shopping today. Aunt Dee Dee and Hailey called her a spoilsport and wanted me to try it on anyway, but I chickened out.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled with the dress that Julie helped me find. It's nice and feminine, without being 'hey, look at me' feminine. I think it’s really me. Jullie was a little uncomfortable with the length of the skirt, but it just looked so cute that Julie caved in and bought it anyway. Not that it is a mini-dress or whatever, it is just that the skirt only went to a couple inches above the knee, with a small slit in the back to make walking easier. I think Julie would have preferred something below knee length. She said something about that being the trend this year, but I also think she’s a little uncomfortable with me in short skirts still. In the end she relented and said it was okay as there is a lot of variation in the spring and summer lines this year. All I know is that I liked it, a lot. Especially when we picked up a couple different cropped rib-knit cardigans to go with it from Old Navy, as well as several chunky bracelets in different colors from Claire's.

I learned some lessons on accessorizing and I’m starting to get it. With what we bought I can easily see how I can swap from good little girl for church, to rocking my look at a party, and back to sweet and innocent, but serious for court. Although I’m still learning the accessory thing. We had a horrible time trying to find shoes to match. Most of the outlet mall's stores either had boring flats, which I didn't really want, or high stiletto heeled shoes that Julie just gave me the evil eye when I even suggested them. Or they did have something I liked, but the cost was truly mind-boggling. We ended up going back to Walmart again, where we picked up a nice comfy pair of moderately low two inch heeled, peeptoe slingback wedge sandals for me in a basic black that goes well with this outfit – and cost way less than anything similar we saw at the other stores.

I also learned that Julie had a method to her madness in starting at Walmart. Some of the prices I saw today simply stunned me. We were at an outlet mall, which meant we were supposed to be buying direct from the factories and cutting out some of the middlemen prices, right? Wrong. Being a girl definitely isn’t cheap. Although it is occasionally free. I got a free makeover in one store, but Julie wouldn’t buy what they were selling. I was upset at the time but she explained to me later that I was going to make a lot of mistakes and try out a lot of different styles starting out. It was better to do that with cheaper makeup. When I settled on what worked for me, then I could think about upgrading my makeup.

I’d wanted Aunt Dee Dee along just to spend time with her, but she’d ended up buying me still more stuff. She’d sprung for accessories. Besides the stuff already mentioned, I now have a purse and bangles and necklaces and clip on as well as magnetic earrings and hair dealies. She also got me a book, ‘Curly Girl’, which she claimed is the bible for curly hair. My hair isn’t really long enough yet, but I’m determined to grow it out. This may cause me some trouble in the short term while I'm still pretending to be a boy, but tough.

Oh, and we had lunch at a Tex-Mex place I never heard of before but was wonderful. Aunt Dee Dee and Julie-mom got along great. Important things I didn’t know, but learned today: Aunt Dee Dee is thinking of opening her own restaurant (not a Hooters), and Julie isn’t a bank teller – she’s a loan officer. She and Aunt Dee Dee had a long conversation about the merits of Aunt Dee Dee taking out a small business loan. I think Julie-mom about talked Aunt Dee Dee into it, which would be great.

I had a great time shopping most of the time. While the day was focused on me, everyone did some shopping for themselves which made it a lot more fun for everyone. Even when it wasn’t about me, I was interested because there is so much to learn about teen girl’s fashions. They are a lot more complicated than boy’s fashions, and adult women’s are even more complicated. Even within my Deep Winter recommended colors, I found I have a lot of choices. I’m still working out what kind of message that particular clothes communicate to other people, though. Julie was pretty cool, but some of my choices were overruled with, ‘Not until you’re older’. Since Hailey sometimes got the same response, I can’t complain too much. I’m being accepted as one of the girls.

Also, girl’s clothes fit me! All I had to do was get the right sizes. Hailey is close to my size, but the difference in having clothes that really fit is amazing. I look more like a girl than ever. Of course, that’s partly because I avoided anything unisex like the plague, but even with my hair no one questioned my right to be shopping for girl’s clothes, or to be in the girl’s changing rooms.

In retrospect, that might be the best thing of the entire day. I adore my new clothes, but I was welcomed as just one of the girls for the entire day. I know Julie-mom said she thought I was rushing into things, but she didn’t act like it today. As for Aunt Dee Dee, she was pushing the envelope. She tried to talk Julie into getting my ears pierced. While I’d love to have my ears pierced like other girls, it scared me as well. There aren’t any white guys at Pine Hill Middle School with pierced ears, so I shouldn’t do anything that permanent yet.

Which brings me down some, because the ball is over and I don’t get to wear my rocking dress to school. Tomorrow it is back to pretending to be Scotty. That bothers me a little, but I’m flying so high today it’s only a little downer.
 

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To Be Continued...